ISIScope of the Month / Al-Aquarius: More Slaves Coming Your Way

In February, your quintessential energy – as seen in the way you hack through every last bit of defiant neck gristle during a beheading – will bring you good fortune, but challenges will also present themselves, requiring caution and preventative action.

REWARDS: As an Al-Aquarius-born jihadi, your creativity and vision propel you to ever-bloodier heights, and your novel contributions to building the Caliphate is likely to pay off this month in the form of a military promotion or a huge catch of fresh slaves – enjoy the spoils of your hard work!

CHALLENGES: That said, there are only so many acts of brutality you can realistically perform each day; to avoid jihadi burnout, delegate tasks to fresh recruits and take time out to brainstorm fun new ways to separate infidel heads from infidel bodies. Caution is also warranted in regard to technology this month: to maximize the carnage in your terror assaults, have a Western – not Russian – trained jihadi engineer check your Kalashnikov or rocket launcher before heading out to slaughter apostates in the field.

RELATIONSHIPS: On the love front, Al-Aquari jihadis can have difficulty expressing emotions, and one of your wives may be feeling neglected. To avoid causing her any further anguish, this month save your more sadistic predilections for your new slaves and show your disgruntled wife just how much you treasure her by sensually bathing her in a pool of infidel blood, or by making her roses crafted from flayed skin – she’ll definitely appreciate the thought!

Al-Aquarisis Lucky Things for February 2016:

Most Auspicious Day: Feb. 12 – first anniversary of the Caliphate’s glorious beheading of Egyptian Christian migrant workers on a lovely beach in Libya

Color: Standard Badass ISIS Black with a dash of Piranha Red

Lucky Charm: Teeth from a decapitated Syrian soldier on a string made from his dried intestine, to be worn around the neck for protection against U.S.-led airstrikes

Strength Keyword: Bloodbath