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ISIS Members Shocked by Brutal Videos from GOP Debates
A series of brutally graphic videos, such as this one or this one, depicting unspeakable carnage has begun circulating in Iraq and Syria, horrifying the countries’ leaders and citizens alike. “How could someone do such a thing to another human being?” ISIS executioner Abu Rumaysah asked after watching a shocking video of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump shouting over Florida Senator Marco...
Israeli Leaders Debate Pettiest Way to Respond to Palestinian Hague Membership
Israeli leaders held a heated debate over how the country could respond to the Palestinians’ membership to the International Criminal Court in the pettiest, least mature manner possible. While Netanyahu initially suggested withholding funds from the Palestinians slated for municipal services, Economy Minister Naftali Bennett blasted the proposal as “hoity toity” and instead suggested a “pants blockade” on the Palestinian territories....
“A State in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush,” Says Netanyahu in Response to Question About Peace Process
As tensions between Israelis and Palestinians once again threaten to boil over and make a huge mess just like the raviolis you left boiling on the stove by accident, more and more questions have been directed at the leaders of both groups. People are demanding answers about why the peace process is now so old that it enjoys a tall...
Netanyahu Holds Emergency Cabinet Meeting on Playboy’s Recent Decision to Drop Nude Spreads
With the country gripped with panic after months of terrorist attacks and some calling this the start of a third Intifada, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu convened an emergency cabinet meeting Tuesday evening to address Playboy magazine’s announcement that it would no longer run images of naked women in its print edition. “Everyone in this country is in a panic over...
Pope Excommunicates South Carolina, Issues Fatwa Against Trump
In one of the largest excommunications in the history of Christianity, Pope Francis has expelled the entire state of South Carolina from the Catholic Church following presidential candidate Donald Trump’s victory in the state’s Republican primary. The pope has also issued a fatwa condemning the billionaire businessman to death. “I tried warning those backwards inbred hicks that building walls is...
Palestinians Growing Nostalgic for Glory Days of Jordanian and Egyptian Occupation
With the world now witnessing the forty-ninth year of Israeli control over parts of the West Bank, Palestinian residents of the territory are beginning to feel pangs of nostalgia for simpler times. Most people feel nostalgia for things like the Power Rangers, or Super Nintendo, or freedom from the crushing realization that time marches ever forward while affording you fewer and...
Syrian Refugees Politely Decline Qatar’s Offer to Let them Build Soccer Stadium
Refugees fleeing Syria’s four-year civil war declined a generous offer from the Qatari government, which promised them asylum and refugee status on the condition that they help the country build a soccer stadium for the 2022 FIFA World Cup. “After seeing the horrifying pictures from Turkey, our government has decided to absorb as many Syrian immigrants as wish to come...
Palestinians Reject Oscar Awards Swag Bags
Attempts by director Mike Leigh to encourage Oscar nominees to hand over their gift bags to Palestinians has been met with wide spread disinterest across the region. Local man Andrew James commented; “Apparently Mr. Leigh is upset that it includes a luxury trip to Israel. I guess I could get worked up about that, but I’m too busy worrying how...
Ted Nugent to Join Pink Floyd Following Anti-Semitic Facebook Post
Former Pink Floyd front man Roger Waters has announced that he will go on tour with rocker and gun fanatic Ted Nugent, with Waters saying that Nugent’s newfound anti-Semitism more than makes up for his lack of musical talent. Waters’ announcement comes two weeks after Nugent shared an anti-Semitic picture on Facebook, claiming Jews were responsible for gun control in...
Poll: Only 15% of Palestinians Polled Support Continued Polling of Feelings About Peace Process
JERUSALEM — The world awoke to some fresh news today, revealing what is for many a living nightmare. Don’t worry, we know what you’re thinking, and no, it’s not an ISIS or Trump takeover of America. This news has to do with polls, and not the stripper kind, and not the kind that live in Warsaw. Political polls of Israelis and...
Iranian Officials Withdraw $150 Billion in Singles at Strip Club ATM
High-ranking Iranian officials woke up late yesterday morning in a drunken haze, only to suddenly remember with horror that the previous night had been spent blowing their recently acquired fortune, $150 billion, which had been unfrozen following the lifting of sanctions. According to a special report, the night had started out casually, with a small pregame at a local bar. At...
Rubio Offers to Support Israel with “Fleet of Mindless Drones”
Following recent negotiations on a military aid package, presidential candidate Marco Rubio pledged to maintain Israel’s technological superiority by proposing a plan to supply the country with a fleet of drones. “If elected President, I would ensure Israel maintains its technological advantages and has access to plenty of drones,” Mr. Rubio stated in a scripted press conference. “I know, deeply,...
Israel Found Guilty…..of Treating Homosexuals with Respect
Among the many charges leveled at the State of Israel is the claim that the country engages in ‘pinkwashing.’ In other words, people find it suspicious that Israel treats homosexuals like people. “Look, the gays are icky. Israel can’t actually accept them. They’re clearly up to something,” explained social justice warrior Anita Cohen. RELATED: Gays Now Majority of Population in Tel...
Pope and Patriarch Confirm ‘It’s All the Jews’ Fault’
At the first historic meeting between the East and West Christian churches since the 11th century, the two senior funny hat-wearers agreed that their split had all been the fault of those Jews. Pope Francis stated “From what we can understand it was a Jew that told my predecessor that those guys in Constantinople had been talking shit behind his...
Russian Foreign Minister Admits, “We Don’t Actually Have a Word for ‘Ceasefire'”
Middle Eastern diplomacy was dealt a further blow last night after Russian Foreign Minster Lavrov admitted that “There isn’t really a word for ‘ceasefire’ in our language.” Lavrov continued, “No one at the Foreign Affairs Ministry is more embarrassed than me. I’ve been sitting in these Munich meetings all week listening to John Kerry go on about this possible Syrian...
Palestinian Leadership Suffering from Classic Case of Pre-Valentine’s Day Emotional Neediness
After former Palestinian negotiator Nabil Shaath recently begged the world for increased attention to the Palestinian cause by only semi-rhetorically asking, “do we need to hijack your planes again”?!, relationship experts are now giving The Mideast Beast their unsolicited take on the controversy. Tel Aviv-based art therapist, and owner of seven cats, Dr. Rachel Leah Tamar-Schmaltz told the Mideast Beast...
Hamas Assures Child Tunnel Laborers They “Will Reach China Very Soon”
Mahmoud Al-Tabi, a commander in the armed wing of Hamas, has promised child laborers that their dig to China will ultimately bear fruit. “Don’t worry” he said at a ceremony commemorating the 2014 war with Israel. “We’ve had minor setbacks, but if we push through, we’ll definitely reach Isra, I mean, China very soon. Now, Who wants ice cream?” Dozens of...
After Trump Victory, ISIS Bemoans Lack of Bombable Targets in New Hampshire
Following Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s convincing win in the New Hampshire primary Tuesday night, senior ISIS officials were reported to be desperately looking for “bombable targets” in the small northeastern state. “We were so excited when we heard that this crusader madman had won New Hampshire,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained in an interview with The Mideast Beast....
ISIS Set to Announce Exciting Line of Spring Fashion This Week in New York
Exploding the fashion world, the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) announced plans to release their first ever Spring Collection at this week’s New York’s Fashion Week. “A creative force such as ISIS just cannot be contained,” said ISIS spokesperson Stuart Goldstein. “From new currency, to unprecedented brutality, to making sex-slavery cool again, ISIS is setting the world alight, literally....
Obama Added to Terrorist Watchlist After He’s Seen Giving Speech at a Mosque
President Barack Obama has been added to the federal Terrorist Watchlist after NSA surveillance discovered the president had not only attended but spoken at a mosque in Baltimore last week. “Mr. Obama was seen on February 3 entering the Islamic Society of Baltimore, where he stayed for approximately one hour,” one NSA official told The Mideast Beast on the condition...