In Support of Iran Deal, 29 Top Nuclear Scientists Say Death by Nuke Relatively Painless

In Support of Iran Deal, 29 Top Nuclear Scientists Say Death by Nuke Relatively Painless

In a letter endorsing President Obama’s nuclear deal with Iran, 29 of America’s leading nuclear scientists vowed that death by nuclear annihilation is generally quick and painless. “After reading the agreement cover to cover and hearing from both critics and proponents of the deal, we can confidently say that having a nuke dropped on your city is a relatively peaceful way to go,” the letter read. “You’ll be gone before you realize what’s happened.” The letter did offer a few...

Five Survivors Found in Beirut Trash Avalanche

Five Survivors Found in Beirut Trash Avalanche

Protracted disagreement between the garbage collection company Sukleen, and the Lebanese government, following the closure of a landfill has led to the buildup of rubbish on the streets of Beirut. Mt. Hamra, a summit comprised of epic levels of trash in the center of the city, experienced a Class 4 avalanche last Friday on the leeward side. Environmental scientists suspect that the collapse was prompted by a passing souped-up Ferrari blasting “That Don’t Impress Me Much” by Shania Twain. Five...

Fox News Poll: President Carter Worse than Islamic State

Fox News Poll: President Carter Worse than Islamic State

A Fox News Poll published today will confirm that the 39th President of the United States is a greater danger to the American way of life than the psychopaths of the Islamic State. Carter, raised on a Communist peanut commune, was a draft dodger (before there was a draft), and hid out on nuclear submarines, probably in an attempt to sell secrets to the USSR. In 1952 he engineered the partial melt down of the Chalk River Reactor just to...

Americans, Iranian Hardliners Join Together for ‘Death to America’ Rally

Americans, Iranian Hardliners Join Together for ‘Death to America’ Rally

Iranian hardliners and American opponents of the proposed nuclear deal held a joint “Death to America” rally at the National Mall in Washington, confirming President Obama’s claims that the two sides have been in cahoots in opposing the landmark agreement. “This deal does not guarantee ‘anywhere, anytime’ inspections, as promised,” Senator Chuck Schumer, a New York Democrat and radical Shia Muslim, told the crowd. “Further, it does nothing to ensure that Sharia Law, the only code passed down from Allah...

Settlers Tired of World Whining Over Settlers

Settlers Tired of World Whining Over Settlers

Fed up with Israeli hand-wringing and the world pissing and moaning about a bunch of Jews living in remote and isolated desert areas of the Holy Land, residents and community leaders of a Judean Hills enclave held an emergency meeting to discuss marketing strategies going forward. Rebecca Steinbaum, an outspoken resident, gave The Mideast Beast an earful. “We aren’t Jewish terrorists going around firebombing and killing. My family moved out here to raise goats and grow some weed. This Price...

Iranian Leader’s New Book Outlines Strategies to Mortally Annoy Israelis

Iranian Leader’s New Book Outlines Strategies to Mortally Annoy Israelis

Fans of literature around the world rejoiced last month as famous postmodernist author and renowned peace activist Ayatollah Ali Khamenei published his new 416-page opus, “Palestine”. The book outlines Khamenei’s strategy of using attrition warfare to make life unbearable for Israeli Jews, prompting them to emigrate. The book details Iran’s current tactics of supporting and arming Hezbollah and Hamas with rockets and weaponry, but also mentions several novel stratagems that faithful Muslims are encouraged to attempt: Increase the intensity of...

ISIS Fighters Terrorized by Multiple Russian Bride Scams

ISIS Fighters Terrorized by Multiple Russian Bride Scams

Three young Chechnya Muslim women have been arrested for bilking the Islamic State out of thousands of dollars and this new form of financial terrorism is just the tip of the sand-berg. Widespread fraud and deception is plaguing the terror group, threatening its bottom line and revealing that they are easy prey for anything in a burqa with big eye slits. Police investigator Lieutenant Dmitry Zoloft spoke briefly to The Mideast Beast. “The Russian bride scam is one of the...

Hamas and ISIS Compete to be the Baddest Bitches in Gaza

Hamas and ISIS Compete to be the Baddest Bitches in Gaza

Following reports that ISIS has recently been operating in the Gaza Strip, Hamas – the outlawed terrorist organization governing the coastal enclave – has been literally losing their shit. Aside from this sharp increase in diarrhea output, the civilian targeting-rocket enthusiasts have been somewhat ruffled and upset by apparent Gazan support for the highly inventive head-separating rivals: ISIS, and is feeling threatened and emasculated following ISIS’ appearance. Speaking to the Mideast Beast, a Hamas spokesperson told us: ‘We just want...

Dentist Who Killed Cecil the Lion Seeks Asylum in Gaza Safe House

Dentist Who Killed Cecil the Lion Seeks Asylum in Gaza Safe House

Israeli operatives inside the Gaza Strip are reporting that American Dentist Walter J. Palmer, the crossbow hunter and executioner of beloved Cecil the Lion, is under Hamas Protected Custody. In a weak moment of ‘gotcha’ ecstasy, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh expressed his delight in hiding the blood thirsty American fugitive and scoring a public relations coup. The Mideast Beast correspondent in Rafah’s refugee camp was granted an exclusive interview. “He’s our kind of guy. I appreciate the total disregard for life, admire...

New Poll: Israelis Sick of Settlers’ Bullshit

New Poll: Israelis Sick of Settlers’ Bullshit

In the wake of the brutal murder of an 18-month old Palestinian child, Ali Saad Dawabsha, by way of firebombs, a new poll has found that Israelis are tired of their crazy settler countrymen. An ever-growing number of Israelis began living in West Bank settlements following the 1967 Six Day War, and since that time, like untreated genital warts, they’ve grown more conspicuous, numerous, and serve only to ruin Israel’s reputation. The number of “price tag” attacks against Palestinian homes...

Obama Promises Jonathan Pollard Will be Allowed to Return to Israel in Time to be Nuked

Obama Promises Jonathan Pollard Will be Allowed to Return to Israel in Time to be Nuked

Responding to reports that Israeli spy Jonathan Pollard would be banned from leaving the U.S. for five years following his release this November, President Obama assured Israelis that Pollard would be back in his homeland well before Iran annihilates the country with its newly-procured nuclear weapons. “There have been concerns, however unfounded, that forcing Mr. Pollard to remain in the United States for five years after his release would somehow prevent him from being in Israel when Iran launches its...

Israel Promises Palestinian Child’s Killers Will Do “The Hardest Community Service Hours There Are”

Israel Promises Palestinian Child’s Killers Will Do “The Hardest Community Service Hours There Are”

After the killing of Palestinian child Ali Dawabsha by Israeli settlers, Israel has promised that when caught, the assailants will be subject to a community service regime unheard of in previous cases of settler violence. “Terrorism is terrorism,” said a statement released by the Justice Ministry. “We will set a precedent to show that behavior like this is absolutely unacceptable. Jewish terrorists will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.” The statement further specified the kind of community...

Netanyahu Re-Gifts Iron Dome for Obama’s Birthday

Netanyahu Re-Gifts Iron Dome for Obama’s Birthday

With the relationship still a little testy, US President Barack Obama did not invite Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to his August 4 birthday bash. After getting word of the cold-shoulder treatment and learning he was not on the preferred guest list with Beyoncé, Mahmoud Abbas, Fabio, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Netanyahu shrugged off the latest snub and told his staff, “Wherever the fuck he was born, he’s still going to be 53, 54 or whatever. I have to send a...

Diplomatic Crisis as Obama Unfriends Netanyahu on Facebook

Diplomatic Crisis as Obama Unfriends Netanyahu on Facebook

JERUSALEM – The icy relationship between President Obama and Prime Minister Netanyahu hit a new, almost too-hard-to-believe low this week, with the American president ‘unfriending’ the Israeli Premier on Facebook. Though it’s unclear exactly when Obama made the move to delete his Israeli counterpart as a Facebook friend – most likely around the time Netanyahu accepted Boehner’s controversial invite – Netanyahu only learned of the snub yesterday, according to a source close to the prime minister. “Bibi was looking at...

Commandments 11-20 Discovered in Israeli Cave

Commandments 11-20 Discovered in Israeli Cave

Coming off the heels of a cryptic tease about a “big announcement” earlier this week, Israeli archaeologists released an earth-shattering finding in Southern Israel. The apparent second half of what has up until now been called the Biblical “Ten Commandments.” Israeli archaeologist Ron Yisraeli told the media, “It turns out that there were actually twenty commandments given to Moses, and we had just misplaced the other half.” Billions of people all over the world profess to live their lives according...

Hezbollah Ends All Military Activity in Response to Garbage Crisis

Hezbollah Ends All Military Activity in Response to Garbage Crisis

Lebanon’s waste management disaster has crippled the Party of God’s ability to function, forcing the militant group to quit the war waging business. “I was on the rooftop of an underground nightclub, just groovin’ to ‘Bitch I’m Madonna’ and getting ready to launch a rocket into the living room of a Lebanese member of parliament. All of a sudden, thousands of slimy rats jump on my face. These working conditions are horrible. Think I’ll try beauty school,” complained a Hezbollah...

Netanyahu Assures International Community That He is Committed to Pursuing Status Quo

Netanyahu Assures International Community That He is Committed to Pursuing Status Quo

Following Netanyahu’s surprise victory in Israel’s March elections, Benjamin Netanyahu recently took a moment to address his critics. Many had feared that he would pursue a peace deal with the Palestinians and end the conflict once and for all. Bibi addressed the questions about his commitment to the current quagmire by releasing a statement earlier today. “I am willing to make significant sacrifices for the sake of maintaining the status quo with the Palestinians. I am willing to meet with Palestinian leadership at...

France Surrenders to an Unsuspecting Iran

France Surrenders to an Unsuspecting Iran

French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius delivered a short note to Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani from French President Francois Hollande: “We quit. Paris is yours. Good luck in Syria and Yemen.” “We are of course deeply flattered by the French government’s capitulation. We thought we were meeting to work out a deal for Iran to start building Peugeot cars. After seven hours of intense, nonstop talks, poor, pale Fabius slips me this lovely pink scented Post-it. I guess we’re the proud owners of...

Trump Tower Tehran to Open Spring 2016

Trump Tower Tehran to Open Spring 2016

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Trump Tower Tehran & Trump Persian Palace Casino opening Sunday March 20, 2016 to coincide with Norooz, the Persian New Year in Iran. Trump Tower Tehran is set to feature one ultra-ultra luxury residence and 9,190 hotel guestrooms with spectacular views of the hanging cranes, easy access to daily ‘Death to the West’ rallies, which includes live US and Israeli flag burnings. Trump Persian Palace Casino is a new concept in Islamic entertainment, with private alcohol-free, no...

Defense Department Asks Twitter Users Who U.S. Should Bomb

Defense Department Asks Twitter Users Who U.S. Should Bomb

Building on the great success of the State Department’s initiative allowing Tweeters to weigh in on how to prevent terrorism, the Pentagon has unveiled its new “#WhoElseShouldWeBomb?” campaign. “We want your input. Share who you’d like us to attack. Are Iraq and Syria enough or are there countries we’re forgetting?” the Department of Defense’s official Twitter account Tweeted early Saturday, ending with the now-trending #WhoElseShouldWeBomb? hashtag. Pentagon officials said they would tally responses at the end of each day and send U.S....