Across the globe, and especially in the Middle East, leaders and politicians – from popes to Ayatollahs and from Presidents to Vice Presidents – rang in 2022 with their own New Year’s resolutions. The Mideast Beast, in a joint operation with Wikileaks, has exclusively obtained documents revealing the New Year’s Resolutions of the following political figures:
Russian President Vladimir Putin: Find a cooler country to invade than “the Ukraine.” Maybe Alaska?
US President Joe Biden: Don’t die; and finally find out who this ‘Brandon’ guy is.
Israeli Defense Minister Benny Gantz: Finally choose between Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennett and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, and stop stringing them both along in a cruel love triangle.
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau: Go a full month without appearing in blackface.
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan: Will attempt to stop releasing jailed ISIS members in order to create more vacancies for journalists.
New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern: Finally break it off with Pete Davidson.
Vice President Kamala Harris: New Year’s resolution? (cackles uncontrollably)
UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres: None – everything going fine already.
Chinese President Xi Jinping: Get my wife to stop calling me “Winnie” during sex.
Taliban Emir Hibatullah Akhundzada: Figure out how to work all these Black Hawk helicopters and American Humvees.
Pope Francis: Convince Vatican to pay for “Pope-marine” and “Pope-oplane” so I don’t have to ride in that stupid Popemobile anymore.
Donald Trump: Figure out who this “Q” guy is, and why he hasn’t reinstated me yet.
Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei: Find another country to chant “death” to – Israel and America are getting a bit old.
Chief Medical Advisor to the US President Anthony Fauci: Convince Americans to stop eating bats.
By Khamenei.ir, CC BY 4.0
By Newzild – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0
By Korea.net, CC BY-SA 2.0
By Kremlin.ru, CC BY 4.0
By Officia do Palácio do Planalto – Flickr, CC BY 2.0,