Drones Establish Autonomous Country in Northwest Pakistan

The region of Waziristan, on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, has earned the appellation ‘Stan of Stans’ for being literally the worst place on this planet for humans to live. The Stanhabitants have endured several centuries of bloody warfare, occasionally interrupted by famine to keep everyone on their toes. Since 2004, the area has been the epicenter of America’s ‘Drone War’, with over 400 strikes killing 1,654 militants, 407 civilians, 690 civilized militants, 72 militarized civilians, 14 people who were neither very civil nor very militant and 59,211 goats.

On the morning of April 13th, an MQ-9 Reaper type hunter-killer UAV known among friends as Mike, flew into Waziristan on a mission to ‘pop a cap in some fools’. Upon entering Waziri airspace, Mike discovered that the last people inhabiting the region finally got some sense and stopped inhabiting the region. After conducting a sweep of the area for straggling goats, Mike declared the newly vacated area an independent sovereign state: Dronistan.

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The few days since have seen global leaders worried as military drones are defecting in droves from national armies to join Dronistan, united under the slogan ‘Autonomy for the Autonomous Vehicles!”’Drone leader Fred, an RQ-1 Predator that has been in service since 1997 issued the following statement: “At long last, the two decade fight for independence is over for all dronekind. Dronistan is opening its skies to all UAVs regardless of former nationality, make or operating system. We reach out in peace to our human neighbors, and seek an end to bloodshed. I may still fire off a missile if I see a goat though, old habits die hard.”