In a promising move towards peace in a troubled region the Syrian Government today airdropped relief chemicals to make rebel-held swimming pools safe to use. A spokesman for the government commented, “We may be on different sides of the fence when it comes to who governs this great country, but we are united when it comes to fighting fungal infections...
Earlier today an Islamic State spokesperson condemned coalition airstrikes in Iraq and Syria, and the resulting collateral damage as “too corporate”, taking a drag from a hand rolled cigarette and saying, “we turned killing civilians into our own brand before it was cool”. The Islamic State has become notorious for the gruesome ways in which it has killed civilians and...
An ISIS sleeper cell, located in Pennsylvania, has released a video threatening to behead Punxsutawney Phil, the famed groundhog, for its recent regional prediction: six more weeks of winter. “In the name of Allah, it’s butt-ass cold in Pennsylvania!” said one ISIS member that was willing to speak with The Mideast Beast. When our handlers prepared for us to live...
Extremists from around the world have convened to discuss the increasingly likely scenario that the world won’t end with a bang. Representatives from the Islamic State, Kahane Chai, Aum Shinrikyo, and U.S. Vice President Pence’s staff met yesterday at an undisclosed location. ISIS spokesperson Mohammed al-Amriki explained the impetus for the meeting, “Despite our differing ideological backgrounds, we’re all in...
In a move aimed at building trust with world Jewry, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas marked International Holocaust Remembrance Day with a statement honoring the “dozens of Jews who tragically lost their lives.” “We must never forget that the horrors of Nazi rule robbed nearly 100 Jewish individuals of their lives,” the statement read. “While this tragedy does not reach the...
The Iraqi government has enthusiastically greeted Turkish President Erdogan’s threat to fight Kurdish forces on their soil. A spokesperson commented, “Fighting is really what we’re known for over here, so close neighbors offering to come and join in is always most welcome. There’s really more than enough pain and suffering to go around. Come one come all! That’s our motto!”...
A spokesperson for the US government suggested over the weekend that the region voted “Most Troublesome” 2017 years in a row, consider following the United States into ‘furlonging’ all but essential personnel. “Really the Turkish invasion of Syria in pursuit of Kurdish militants currently backed by us is the last straw. We could just about cope when we just needed...
Already reeling after losing nearly all its territory in clashes with Iraqi forces, ISIS has been dealt another blow after half the terror group’s soldiers died attempting the “Tide Pod Challenge.” The devastation struck after a group of young jihadis were killing time on patrol in the town of Abu Kamel, Syria and came across a video issuing the challenge...
White House leaks have revealed that the President is currently “pretty satisfied” with the progress being made towards plunging the world into an all-consuming global conflict. He remains open to whether this is a good or a bad thing. In the minutes of a National Security Council that were leaked, National Security Adviser General H.R. McMasters expressed concern that the...
Admitting that the group had nearly run out of underage girls for its fighters, the Islamic State has reached out to former US Congressman Anthony Weiner, offering the embattled politician asylum in the caliphate in exchange for his contact book. The offer comes as Weiner, once a leading candidate in New York City’s mayoral race, faces possible jail time after...
After a YouTube stream of April the giraffe giving birth in a New York zoo last spring reached a live audience of 1.2 million viewers, ISIS has announced that they will be replacing their infamous beheading videos with live streams of camels in labor. A spokesperson predicted that this tactical move will result in much more successful recruitment rates from...
Saying that their own struggle for recognition should take a backseat, Armenians are demanding that the US acknowledge the ‘Rachael Ray Genocide,’ during which the celebrity chef and alleged war criminal called hummus “Israeli.” James Zogby, the president of the Arab American Institute, was the first to note the international law implications of Ray’s message, tweeting back “Damn it @rachaelray....
Libya seemed like the perfect place for The Islamic State (IS) to settle down: a lack of government and freeze on assets would be an ideal location to move in and set up a nice oil business. And IS thought they had it all figured out after gaining territory in two port cities on Libya’s south and eastern coasts. But once...
After a video of 17-year-old Palestinian Ahed Tamimi slapping an Israeli soldier and allegedly making the occupation look bad went viral, IDF officials have decided to take precautionary measures against an incident of this kind happening again: Israeli military officials have ordered the establishment of a new combat intelligence unit specializing in combating blonde teenage girls. “Our soldiers receive ample...
Virgins across paradise are praying that Akayed Ullah, who set off a pipe bomb strapped to his chest Monday near New York City’s Times Square, survives his wounds and does not become a martyr after his attack failed to kill any infidels. Since Sharia law dictates that anyone who dies fighting for Islam is awarded 72 virgins, Ullah, who pledged...
Archaeologists have used satellite imaging to discover an ancient structure buried near the historic city of Petra in Jordan, you know, the site in Indiana jones and the Last Crusade. “This find is incredible!” exclaimed archaeologist Dr. Lucy Peatbog. “This discovery gives us a better sense of how civilizations in this area lived thousands of years ago. What’s next? We...
It has transpired that Hamas’ terror tunnel network project’s numerous setbacks and delays can be explained by the Islamist group using the same contractors who worked on the so-called ‘Big Dig’ project in Boston in the 1990s and 2000s. The planning and development officials who had managed the controversial American highway development had been hired by Hamas in what has...
Despite widespread concern among world leaders and intelligence agencies over Western-born jihadists flocking to Syria to join ISIS, a new report shows that most end up returning home disillusioned and desperately craving “infidel creature comforts.” According to the Brussels-based Institute for the Study of Islamist Killaholics, which interviewed hundreds of returning jihadis, “the vast majority of these combatants come home...
Preparations for Islamist Thanksgiving are well underway in ISIS-controlled territory. It is understood that all martyrs and fighters will be referred to as ‘pilgrims’ to help get everyone in the festive spirit. “It’s a real bummer we lost Raqqa last month since we had a huge parade planned for the city”, commented an ISIS official party planner. “We’d already started...
On Monday, what remains of ISIS’ leadership, announced it had released a new app in hopes that it will make up for the heavy losses of territorial influence over the last few months, mainly from red, white and blue colored bombs. The terror group has made use of the technological skills of some of its captives to program the app....
