Officials from Hamas are meeting later this week to discuss the finer points of slaughtering Jews. Representatives from the political and military branches, as well as religious authorities, are debating the possibility of implementing Halal butchering methods when stabbing Jews, whether male or female. In a speech, Mahmoud al-Bashiri, a Hamas leader explained, “We must consider adopting Halal methods when...
Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has publicly condemned the 62 Palestinians killed during the rioting on the Gazan border. Speaking to the press, Netanyahu said “These Arab rioters should feel ashamed for disrupting the travels of these brave, innocent Jewish bullets on their way through Gaza. Those bullets were simply minding their own business when they were ruthlessly assaulted by...
Following weeks of protests and riots along the Gaza border with Israel as part of their “March of Return”, one Hamas spokesman has announced that Gaza has officially run out of things to set fire to, and has declared a state of emergency. “It’s official”, the spokesman said in a statement, “we’ve literally run out of things to burn. We’ve...
The Palestinian Islamic Resistance Movement, previously known as Hamas, has agreed to change its name to “Unarmed Protestors,” saving scores of newspaper editors and humans rights organizations from being forced to issue corrections. The name change comes after Hamas admitted that most Palestinians killed last week on the Gaza border were members of the militant group, contradicting claims in publications...
In one of the latest viral internet stories, a recording of the word “Laurel” is heard by many as “Yanny”. While the original recording was actually “Laurel”, the alternate version can be heard if the individual has a deficiency hearing certain frequencies, or if certain frequency information is deliberately lowered and others are intentionally increased. A number of similar phrases...
While many world leaders have been quick to condemn the killing of nearly 60 Palestinian protestors at the Gaza border, President Donald Trump has not only defended the action but has even gone so far as to say it was insufficient. Late Tuesday evening he tweeted, “If anything, Israel has been too soft on the Palestinians. We could’ve killed twice...
In a rare outburst, the leaders of Gaza have harsh words against Syria’s President Assad. When asked if this was because of the thousands of Palestinians killed by the Syrian regime including dozens during the recent the bombing of the Yarmouk refugee camp, Ismail Haniyeh replied “Sure there’s that. But we’re really pissed about his chemical weapon attacks at the time of our protests stealing our...
In an amicable gesture of peace and cooperation, Prime Minister Netanyahu is expected to announce the transfer of all Palestinian civilian sewage responsibility directly to Hamas’ expertly engineered terror tunnels. This olive branch, a giant leap forward in Israeli-Palestinian relations, seeks to mimic the same working relationship that Israel shares with Jordan. Netanyahu’s office released a supportive message on the...
ISIS spokesman Abdullah da-Mullah has announced the cessation of military operations against the infidels (i.e. the world), in order to focus on a more deadly threat to the Islamic Caliphate. “We have directed our forces to halt their advance in both Iraq and Syria immediately. All offensive units have been given new orders as of this morning,” said da-Mullah. “The...
Speaking to The Mideast Beast, al-Qaeda has confirmed that they are absolutely, positively not doing anything these days. Muhammad Babaganoush al-Sadiki, an al-Qaeda commander in Syria, commented, “Nope, not really up to anything these days. Just farming, and chilling, and not raising money or making chemical weapons. Expand into India? That’s crazy. What would we be doing in Yemen? We’ve never...
Vowing to finish what he started as Secretary of State, John Kerry is reportedly studying nuclear fission with the aim of building an atomic bomb for the Iranian regime. After hearing that US President Donald Trump was likely to exit the nuclear deal he helped negotiate, Kerry ordered several textbooks on nuclear physics before booking a one-way ticket to Tehran....
Following Kanye West’s most recent public psychotic break on Twitter, President Trump is invoking his authority as commander-in-chief to make a difference in urban America. In an unprecedented consensus across all branches, the US will effectively replace all military-issued footgear with Yeezys. West, apparently under the influence of his ex-step-father-turned-ex-step-mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner, raged a hailstorm of tweets praising the President...
The Mideast Beast can exclusively reveal that the world-renowned Israeli intelligence agency, the Mossad, has plans to up its game and improve its spying capabilities by using new and innovative intelligence methods, including using Pig Latin as its new secret code. “We’ve been slacking lately”, a source told The Mideast Beast. “We haven’t really made any progress on the covert...
Nicaraguan protestors are turning to a new leader, who is an expert in attempts to suppress corrupt government oppression in a crap country where no one really wants to be anyway. “Abbas is the face of the longest-lasting civil protest of our time,” protestor Julio Gonzalez de la Peña stated between rounds of tear gas and pepper spray. “And it...
According to sources, Netanyahu is counting on the Iranians to pull through for him right now. An anonymous aide told The Mideast Beast, “You know with the cigar thing, the submarine thing, the news thing, the telecom thing all starting to heat up, he was really hoping a new war with Iran could shift the tide. There’s nothing like a good...
In an attack that could cripple the US economy and the American way of life, the Islamic State plans to send terrorists to Starbucks locations across the country and occupy seats without making a purchase. Memos from ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to the group’s US sleeper cells describe the strike as the “9/11 of loitering,” as agents will spend...
The Parkland professional acting troop, unofficial motto, “You Shoot, We Cry”, have been in talks through their agents on requiring extensive overtime payments for their recent work in Douma, Syria. A spokesperson for the group commented, “We’ve been flat out these past weeks and we simply feel that our commitment to our craft needs to be recognized by our Zionist/Anti...
LONDON – After many months of accusations of bias from the political Right, media outlets have been taken by surprise by attacks from the other side of the aisle. UK Labour’s shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott, has lashed out at media over reports that she tweeted a misleading photo regarding joint US, UK and French air strikes on Syrian military installations. Ms...
A baffled President Donald Trump has been discussing with close aides how he doesn’t understand “why people are still insisting I’m BFFs with Putin even after I bombed his other BFF.” “I tried everything, but the Fake News Media won’t listen! The minute I said the words ‘Cold War’ everybody in the world, especially poop-faced Mueller, should have stopped doubting...
The Mossad, Israel’s international espionage agency has released a highly trained Kraken to harass and destroy Gazan fishing ships. In a statement released by a Mossad spokesperson, they admitted to previously training sharks to attack Egyptians in the Red sea, as well as eagles to spy on Hezbollah, and of course Flipper Goldstein, the Mossad dolphin to spy on Hamas. The spokesman explained, “Honestly, the...
