Noting that every action the US has taken in the Middle East for roughly seven decades has been wrong, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has adopted the ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ of doing the opposite of policymakers’ instincts. “Every decision we have made – who to bomb, where to invade, who to ally with – has gone disastrously wrong,” Pompeo explained....
Democrats and liberal activists across the US are renewing calls for the impeachment of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh following allegations that the judge was heard laughing at a recently released stand-up routine by comedian David Chappelle. The special, called “Sticks & Stones,” features controversial jokes about LGBTQ advocates, the #metoo movement, and Michael Jackson. Shortly after the accusation was...
Islamic State is “distraught” that none of their members were represented in the UK Vogue Magazine special edition, guest edited by the former American actress and current member of the British Royal Family, Meghan Markle. “We understand just how inspiring these pop culture magazines are, and with a guest celebrity editor like Meghan being involved, we thought we just had...
In the most extensive comments on his nuclear ambitions to date, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un said he needs an extensive weapons program because women refuse to take him seriously on dating sites due to his height. In a heated exchange with US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Kim was told that is not acceptable to continue developing his...
Following a fierce backlash against social media personality Kylie Jenner for her controversially themed Handmaid’s Tale party, an unsuspecting defender has come to her cause. Iran’s Supreme Leader has backed the party and its socialite host as “a rare example of a Western party which professes conservative Sharia values”. A spokesperson for the Islamic Republic’s highest office holder commented further,...
Accusing the nation of engaging in “apartheid against foreign musicians,” Icelandic techno group Hatari filed charges against Israel for crimes against humanity after being served tasteless falafel during its trip for Eurovision. “While I know that the Middle East has seen injustice and suffering, nothing can compare to the pain of expecting the best falafel I’ve ever tasted and instead...
As Eurovision kicks off in Tel Aviv, the event’s PR team has launched a new campaign urging audiences to purchase the remaining tickets to the music competition, touting it as the “Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv.” The campaign is a last-minute attempt to draw in foreign audiences to the event which has not yet sold out, due in part to...
A week after finally re-emerging five years after his previous appearance, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi acknowledged that his time in seclusion was due not to his fear of Hellfire missiles but to avoid spoilers from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast that he had planned on remaining in the spotlight, but decided to live off the grid...
Lovers of good music have flocked to the BDS demand to boycott the Eurovision final planned for Tel Aviv this year. One critic confirmed, “We don’t have any particular view on the complexities of a two-state solution or the future of the Golan Heights. However, I think we can all get on board with the idea that the Eurovision contest...
In a sign that no one in the kingdom is truly above the law, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has been beheaded after authorities say he posted spoilers to Avengers: Endgame. The crown prince was arrested following a tweet in which he stated, “Just saw the new Avengers movie, and I have to say, way to go Thanos!” Within...
In a recent interview, former adult movie star Mia Khalifa said that she had been receiving death threats from ISIS and has seen photo-shopped pictures online of herself being beheaded. Khalifa made headlines in the past for participating in an adult video wearing a Hijab and has angered some over several Lebanese nationalistic tattoos as well as a Lebanese Flag...
Saying that the nation’s involvement in the region does “not spark joy,” newly-named Defense Secretary Marie Kondo announced she will withdraw all US troops and diplomats from the Middle East. President Trump’s surprise pick to replace Jim Mattis, Kondo took only 15 seconds to ditch the country’s entire web of alliances and longstanding hostilities and abandon any relations with the...
With ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett facing charges over allegedly filing a false police report, Islamist terrorist group al Qaeda has questioned why the actor did not blame them for the reported attack. “All he had to do was say, ‘Yea, I was attacked on the street by two men. They were wearing keffiyehs and shouting Allahu Akbar,’’ al Qaeda leader Ayman...
ISIS leaders are increasingly concerned that they may in fact be emulating Bruce Willis’ role in the supernatural thriller. A spokesman said, “President Trump keeps claiming we are beaten, but we still appear to be here. However, we know the President is a highly truthful man. So that leads us to the only logical conclusion. Were we really dead the...
In an attempt to regain some of the attention which has dissipated to ISIS in recent years, Al Qaeda is set to publish a provocatively titled new fighting manual and will be hosting their first book launch next week. Entitled “Fifty Shades of Jihad”, the manual is marketed as a “guide for both the expert and the uninitiated in the...
ATLANTA — Authorities in Atlanta have uncovered the largest ISIS sleeper cell ever found on US soil, with the terror outpost found in R&B star Robert “R.” Kelly’s basement. Detectives say R. Kelly had been using his uplifting lyrics and seductive voice to draw in and brainwash recruits, even recording reworked classics such as “Trapped in the Caliph’s Closet”, “Behead and...
With just weeks until Christmas, the Islamic State has officially banned the popular holiday song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” due to concerns that the song promotes men asking women for consent. “The man in the song repeatedly begs the woman to stay with him overnight instead of simply throwing a burlap sack over her head and declaring her his wife,”...
In one of the deadliest pub crawls so far this holiday season, 12 people were killed and hundreds injured during Mecca’s annual ‘MuhammadCon’ celebration. The event, in which hundreds of Muslims hit the town dressed as their favorite prophet, has generally turned into a night of public intoxication and drunken rowdiness, much like SantaCon in the US and the Vatican’s ChristCon....
Declaring that the both sides in the dispute need to put the past behind them, Israelis and Palestinians have come together to call for an end to the longstanding conflict between rappers Ja Rule and 50 Cent. The joint plea for peace between the two New York City rappers comes after 50 Cent reignited the feud when he bought 200 front-row...
After finally declaring her intention to vote for Democrats in the 2018 midterms, crossover pop and country star Taylor Swift is expected to shortly announce which side she supports in Syria’s civil war. “In the past I have been reluctant to publicly voice my opinion on Middle Eastern politics, but due to several events in my life and in the...
