As countries around the world continue to mourn for Lebanon following two devastating explosions on 4 August, and as they continue to do what all countries should do which is donate, Trump remained steadfast in his convictions to never help others especially if their Miss Universe contestant was forgettable. While other countries were quick to express their sorrow and grief,...
After years of pretending that his name was pronounced “Yo-sem-i-tee”, Yosemite Sam was finally exposed to the public by real-life cartoon villain President Trump for actually being a “yo-semite”. In swift retaliation against Mr Sam’s “sneaky” practices, the Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions (BDS) movement called for a boycott against Yosemite Sam, and all other Looney Tunes affiliates, because not only are...
The leadership of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions (BDS) movement announced that even if you are dedicated to the destruction of Israel, it is permitted to watch Fauda. The decision was announced along with other allowances such as permission to use any Israeli-made vaccines for the virus, after they decided that its members were probably going to watch it anyway....
Looking to crush the last bit of resistance to his continued rule, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad has brought on talk show host Ellen DeGeneres as interior minister to keep the country’s Sunni majority in line. Assad made the appointment after reading about the strong hand DeGeneres took towards staff on her TV show. “I need someone who will rule with...
In response to criticism by Jewish-Canadian actor Seth Rogen, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that anti-marijuana laws will be enforced more strictly with harsher prison sentences. New prison sentences for marijuana possession will vary from a minimum of one month to a maximum of however long ‘Green Hornet’ feels like. The move was described by experts as the “biggest...
Actor and comedian Seth Rogen will team up with former Iranian President and die-hard Tupac fan Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a comedy about the duo’s marijuana-filled attempt to launch a terrorist attack on Israel, Point Grey Pictures announced. Ahmadinejad will play himself in the film, as he looks to cap off his career of public service with a devastating suicide bombing...
This week the CEO of the only globalist organization Trump hasn’t pulled out of, Disney World, reopened its parks during a surge of infections. Similarly controversially, Turkish President Erdogan decided to revert the Hagia Sophia into a mosque because, as it turns out, a pandemic is boring without a backdrop of sectarian violence. However, both leaders quickly realized that these...
Smack talk between Hellboy star, Ron Perlman and newly bearded Senator for Texas, Ted Cruz, has escalated rapidly. What started as a slightly homoerotic desire by Mr. Cruz to watch Representative Jim Jordan wrestle 70-year-old Mr. Perlman, possibly in custard, had by Tuesday ended with a date being set for a cage match in Jerusalem. A spokesperson for Senator Cruz...
The progressive Taliban Institute for Literacy Advancement in Afghanistan angrily burned Harry Potter books in protest against J.K. Rowling’s recent transgender-phobic remarks. The bestselling British author committed the cardinal sin of questioning the womanhood of transgender individuals who made the journey from men to women. Mrs. Fatimah Yassin, the Taliban Minister for Gender-Fluid Weird Creatures, spoke to The Mideast Beast...
The rapper and movie star Ice Cube cultivated notoriety this week after sharing a series of anti-Semitic memes on twitter, not to mention a scathing and detailed report on his “long, disturbing history of anti-Semitism. Although these sorts of actions usually result in a Twitter ban, or even job loss, mere seconds after tweeting the images Ice Cube received a...
Stepping up his attacks on the World Health Organization, US President Donald Trump has banned Roger Daltrey, the front man for the British rock band The Who, from entering the country. “The WHO is totally doing the bidding of China and has been very unfair to me, and a lot of people are telling me that this Roger guy is...
In the US, Americans are demanding that they be allowed to go back to worshiping in churches, and in Israel, the Chief Rabbi is demanding that synagogues and other religious institutions be opened. Everyone is ready to get back to religious observance except for one important figure: God The Almighty One, blessed be He says that he is just not...
Inspired by comedian Joe Rogan’s $100 million deal with Spotify, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad says he will resign his position as president to focus on launching a news and culture podcast. It is not clear what will happen when Assad, whose efforts to cling to power have left to more than half a million dead, exits politics, as the strongman...
Actor and director Mel Gibson announced that she has transitioned and now identifies as a woman, a move that came a day before Gibson declared her candidacy in the controversial “Miss Hitler 2020” pageant. “I’ve always kept the real me buried deep inside, but it’s time to stop hiding and let my spirit shine,” said Gibson, who will now go...
The International Criminal Court (ICC) accuses Israel of “brutally killing Pallywood’s movie star Mohamed al-Duracell three times.” ICC Chief Prosecutor Fatou Bensouda spoke to The Mideast Beast while finalizing the conclusions of the slightly predetermined probe concerning Israeli crimes. “Killing someone three times is a very serious crime that the ICC does not take lightly. Our human rights loving Saudi...
Already incensed by the release of an Egyptian sci-fi series that predicts its destruction, Israel has completely lost its cool with its neighbor on discovering they only have a vague understanding of what a ‘Jedi’ is. In a late-night WhatsApp exchange Egypt stated, “Is that the one with Captain Kirk? Look to be honest we only really enjoy this stuff...
Celebrities on coronavirus lockdown are proposing that the world “take a week of quarantine” every year to commemorate the “scary and unsettling” time they went through and the unique insights it has given them. “I think that everyone should take a week of quarantine every year just to remember this time,” said British actor Idris Elba, who said he and his wife...
While the Paris fashion weeks were recently cancelled due to the pandemic, ISIS fashion week, which took place in a Syrian prison, proudly unveiled a trendy COVID-19 resistant unisex burka. ISIS’ chief fashion designer Mohammed Saladin who was educated at the prestigious New York Liberal Fashion School for Inclusive Oppression, enthusiastically spoke to The Mideast Beast about his innovative virus-resistant...
Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has issued a fatwa, or religious decree, against American animal rights activist Carole Baskin, accusing the big cat enthusiast of killing her husband. “The Quran and many hadiths warn explicitly not to feed your husband to a herd of tigers,” Khamenei exclaimed. “If that infidel Carole Baskin does not repent and accept Allah, I order...
Antonio Guterres, Secretary-General of the United Nations, delivered breaking news on Friday when he tweeted that Lady Gaga had found the time to talk to him recently about her recent work on peacemaking in the Middle East. “@ladygaga I am so touched that you are spending this moment in your bored #stayathome routine to try and bring peace to the...
