Celebrities on coronavirus lockdown are proposing that the world “take a week of quarantine” every year to commemorate the “scary and unsettling” time they went through and the unique insights it has given them. “I think that everyone should take a week of quarantine every year just to remember this time,” said British actor Idris Elba, who said he and his wife...
Celebrities on coronavirus lockdown are proposing that the world “take a week of quarantine” every year to commemorate the “scary and unsettling” time they went through and the unique insights it has given them. “I think that everyone should take a week of quarantine every year just to remember this time,” said British actor Idris Elba, who said he and...
While the Paris fashion weeks were recently cancelled due to the pandemic, ISIS fashion week, which took place in a Syrian prison, proudly unveiled a trendy COVID-19 resistant unisex burka. ISIS’ chief fashion designer Mohammed Saladin who was educated at the prestigious New York Liberal Fashion School for Inclusive Oppression, enthusiastically spoke to The Mideast Beast about his innovative virus-resistant...
Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has issued a fatwa, or religious decree, against American animal rights activist Carole Baskin, accusing the big cat enthusiast of killing her husband. “The Quran and many hadiths warn explicitly not to feed your husband to a herd of tigers,” Khamenei exclaimed. “If that infidel Carole Baskin does not repent and accept Allah, I order...
Antonio Guterres, Secretary-General of the United Nations, delivered breaking news on Friday when he tweeted that Lady Gaga had found the time to talk to him recently about her recent work on peacemaking in the Middle East. “@ladygaga I am so touched that you are spending this moment in your bored #stayathome routine to try and bring peace to the...
Responding to criticism that his spending plan would result in a $25 trillion shortfall, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced he has appointed rapper and noted fiscal authority MC Hammer to serve as lead economic advisor. “It’s not a radical idea to say that every American deserves free healthcare, free education, and a summer camp,” Sanders said during a press conference....
The PLO movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ shocked the movie industry by winning the Oscar for “Best Fake News Special Effects.” CNN, which was involved in the PLO movie project, won the Oscar for “Best Supporting Actor.” An impressed Steven Spielberg told The Mideast Beast: “I’ve done ‘Jaws’ and ‘Indiana Jones’ but nobody beats PLO in staging massacres and faking ancient civilizations....
The Mideast Beast is announcing several cutbacks following the continued buffoonery of President Donald Trump. Although the President has condemned the publication as “fake, maybe even the fakest news”, it was not his censure, but his actions, which have led to the dramatic restructuring at The Mideast Beast. Senior Researcher at the Washington Institute of Funny Shit on the Internet,...
Democratic Rep. Rashida Tlaib has demanded that the iTunes store refund her purchase of Lizzo’s new hit single “Juice” after the congresswoman discovered the singer is not saying “Blame it on the Jews.” Tlaib said she heard the popular song on the radio and rushed to purchase the single due to what she believed was its powerful message. “I thought...
The Iranian Republican Guard Corps took responsibility for the devastating attack that took place on Sunday night in Beverly Hills via a social media account associated with the military organization. The tweet appeared on Tuesday night saying that “that this was only the beginning of the Iranian Republic’s retribution for the murder of Qasem Soleimani” Hollywood celebrities were devastated by...
The United States State Department has confirmed that Jared Kushner has taken on the trade negotiations with African superpower Wakanda. A spokesman stated, “Jared is clearly the best placed official to take on this challenge. After all he’s spent all of 2019 dealing with such fantastical places as ‘Palestine’, and the mind-bending concept of a ‘Two-State Solution’. I mean come...
Responding to a US Senate bill condemning the Armenian genocide, Turkey’s parliament has passed a unanimous resolution condemning the Kardashian family for crimes against humanity. “The real Armenian Genocide is the one that these sisters are committing against world culture and common decency,” the resolution stated. “We can no longer ignore the suffering of countless victims, who have lost countless...
In a move aimed at highlighting their party’s diversity, the Democratic Party announced that Palestinian-American rapper DJ Khaled will take the debate stage alongside the party’s six leading white candidates. The decision came amid concern among Democratic leaders that all candidates to qualify for the debate would be white following Senator Kamala Harris’s withdrawal from the race. “We are the...
In an embarrassing mix-up, the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas ordered hundreds of beginner’s BDSM kits from actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s gift guide, believing it was associated with the BDS, or Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions, movement against Israel. Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh initially appeared triumphant after making the $1,350 purchase. Haniyeh released a video in which he donned black leather restraints on his wrists and...
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has begun arresting reporters for People magazine on terrorism charges after the publication once again passed him over for its annual ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ award. Within minutes of the magazine awarding singer and EGOT winner John Legend the honor for 2019, Erdogan’s forces had hauled away dozens of journalists and staff members, calling them enemies...
Following backlash, singer Demi Lovato has profusely apologized for her recent concert in and praise of Israel, insisting she had no idea that the people who treated her so well on the trip were in fact Jews. Lovato spent her time in the country, which she billed as a spiritual journey, visiting the Western Wall and Israel’s Holocaust memorial, Yad...
Noting that every action the US has taken in the Middle East for roughly seven decades has been wrong, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has adopted the ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ of doing the opposite of policymakers’ instincts. “Every decision we have made – who to bomb, where to invade, who to ally with – has gone disastrously wrong,” Pompeo explained....
Democrats and liberal activists across the US are renewing calls for the impeachment of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh following allegations that the judge was heard laughing at a recently released stand-up routine by comedian David Chappelle. The special, called “Sticks & Stones,” features controversial jokes about LGBTQ advocates, the #metoo movement, and Michael Jackson. Shortly after the accusation was...
The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for shooting rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from...
Islamic State is “distraught” that none of their members were represented in the UK Vogue Magazine special edition, guest edited by the former American actress and current member of the British Royal Family, Meghan Markle. “We understand just how inspiring these pop culture magazines are, and with a guest celebrity editor like Meghan being involved, we thought we just had...
