In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, a tearful Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, has allegedly claimed that Harvey Weinstein touched him inappropriately. This comes amidst a new wave of accusations against the powerful Hollywood producer. The account provided by al-Baghdadi was harrowing: “He invited me into his office to talk about a biopic of my life....
Defending his decision to ‘like’ a pornographic post on Twitter Monday, US senator Ted Cruz insisted his action was proof that he would not let terrorism stop him from living his life. “Our nation’s founders risked their lives for our right to live in freedom, to establish our own government, and to stream video of a good-looking young man having...
Saying that Islamic State caused “lasting damage” to the global jihadi movement, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri has unloaded on his ISIS counterparts in a new memoir. “Everything that we did, ISIS just kept trying to one-up us,” Zawahiri complains in the book. “We proposed declaring a caliphate once we unite the lands of Islam, and they said ‘Well, we’ll...
In a photo shoot that supporters of the ISIS leader have called inspirational, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi will appear on the cover of Vogue magazine wearing only a tight black speedo and hot pink bikini. “I’m still alive and I am beautiful!” the Caliph wrote in a Tweet accompanying the picture, which showed him in stunning two-piece. The spread...
Saying it would be unfair to expect his warriors to sacrifice their lives for Islam before finding out if Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen actually get it on, ISIS spokesman Ahmed al-Lannister announced that the terror group will put off its apocalyptic battle with western infidels until after the popular HBO series “Game of Thrones” concludes. “While the forces of...
A spokesman for Iranian state television has confirmed that its presenters are buzzed pretty much all the time. “It’s pretty much the only way they can get through a show without breaking down. To be fair how do you think you would cope if each night you had to lead with stories on how terrible the great Satan is and...
Saying that he could no longer stand by in the face of such needless suffering, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has agreed to take in a limited number of dog refugees from actress Lena Dunham. Assad’s offer comes after reports that a healthy dog adopted by Dunham in 2014 was later returned to the animal shelter showing signs of PTSD. “While...
After more than 100 years of bloodshed, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict ended abruptly the other day after Lebanon and Tunisia banned the screening of the movie Wonder Woman, which features an Israeli actress in the iconic role. When Lebanon revealed that it had banned the film, Israeli PM Netanyahu called for all armed forces to retreat from the West Bank immediately...
In a huge faux pas, ISIS mistakenly took responsibility for decapitating President Trump and is now seeking revenge after finding out the photo of Kathy Griffin holding up a bloody Trump head wasn’t real. Unfortunately for Griffin her greatest fear is no longer that her dying career is finally over, as she has now officially been targeted by ISIS. There...
The White House Correspondents’ Dinner committee has decided on a fresh approach following President Trump’s decision to not attend this year. They extended an invitation to Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, the self-proclaimed ‘longtime fan of the New York Times’, and he has accepted. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on...
Alex Jones, the walking advertisement for why you really shouldn’t stay out in the sun too long, and the host of Infowars.com has reported that the elite Golden Division of the Iraqi Army is engaged in intense combat with ISIS forces in and around the Swedish capital. Heavy fighting is reported around the Ikea store in Jakobsberg, although Infowars.com correspondents...
Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, has accepted an invitation to be the guest of honor at this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on his speech, which I can assure you is going to be full of ‘zingers’. He recognizes the religious leanings of his...
Calling it a disaster for which the West has only itself to blame, ISIS issued a statement Sunday morning stating that it bore no responsibility for singer Mariah Carey’s disastrous performance on ABC’s New Year’s Eve event at Times Square. “In the wake of the infidel Mariah Carey’s nakba [catastrophe] last night, we have heard people speculate that we may have...
ORLANDO, FL — The Happiest Place On Earth just got a little happier, as Disney announced the opening of Little Israel at Epcot Center this past weekend, just in time for Hanukkah and Christmas. The multinational corporation has carved out some land to represent the Jewish State, providing authentic cultural experiences all staffed by out-of-your-league chicks rocking casually slung assault...
President-Elect Donald Trump announced earlier today that he is considering Michael Bolton as his special envoy for the Middle East Peace process. After the announcement, the question on everyone’s mind is: Doesn’t he mean John Bolton? Special Envoy for Middle East Peace is a position dedicated to bringing an end to the decades-long Israel-Palestinian conflict. John Bolton is a lawyer and diplomat who...
After revealing that he’ll be staying on as executive producer of his reality TV show, Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump released a statement this morning disclosing a possible motive for the decision: he plans to use the game show as a political platform. Trump has invited Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to compete on the show’s upcoming...
ALEPPO — The residents of war-torn Aleppo breathed a collective sigh of relief Thursday night after learning Kanye West had been released from the hospital after eight whole days for exhaustion, according to major news channels, and TMZ. West has a rapidly shrinking fan base in Aleppo (due to the city’s rapidly dwindling population), but a fan base nevertheless. Many...
Saying he no longer wanted to attend the hit Broadway musical, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly looking to sell two orchestra tickets to ‘Hamilton.’ “After all the stress at work, I had been looking forward to a nice night with my wife at the theater,” Assad wrote on a StubHub posting listing the tickets at face value. “But apparently,...
From The Onion to The Mideast Beast, hundreds of satire writers have resolved to kill themselves on November 8 should Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton defeat GOP nominee Donald Trump, a months-long TMB investigation can reveal. “With the shit that pours out of that orange buffoon’s mouth, my articles over the past year have practically written themselves,” said one writer...
Saying that strikes against the U.S. would be “heartless, gratuitous, and entirely inappropriate at the moment,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced a temporary unilateral ceasefire against America following the breakup of Hollywood’s most powerful celebrity couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “In light of recent events, we have suspended indefinitely all operations against the United States and ask our...
