Entertainment

Trump Invites Palestinian President and Israeli PM to Compete on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’

Trump Invites Palestinian President and Israeli PM to Compete on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’

After revealing that he’ll be staying on as executive producer of his reality TV show, Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump released a statement this morning disclosing a possible motive for the decision: he plans to use the game show as a political platform. Trump has invited Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to compete on the show’s upcoming season, with each playing on behalf of his country’s right to exist. “This is the best way to solve their...

Syrians Breathe Sigh of Relief as Kanye Released from Hospital after ‘Being Tired’

Syrians Breathe Sigh of Relief as Kanye Released from Hospital after ‘Being Tired’

ALEPPO — The residents of war-torn Aleppo breathed a collective sigh of relief Thursday night after learning Kanye West had been released from the hospital after eight whole days for exhaustion, according to major news channels, and TMZ. West has a rapidly shrinking fan base in Aleppo (due to the city’s rapidly dwindling population), but a fan base nevertheless. Many of these fans had been under considerable stress while the rapper was under observation for being tired. “Kanye’s music has...

Assad Looking to Sell His ‘Hamilton’ Tickets

Assad Looking to Sell His ‘Hamilton’ Tickets

Saying he no longer wanted to attend the hit Broadway musical, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly looking to sell two orchestra tickets to ‘Hamilton.’ “After all the stress at work, I had been looking forward to a nice night with my wife at the theater,” Assad wrote on a StubHub posting listing the tickets at face value. “But apparently, the cast has taken up the habit of harassing people in the audience over issues that they’re having at work,...

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton

From The Onion to The Mideast Beast, hundreds of satire writers have resolved to kill themselves on November 8 should Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton defeat GOP nominee Donald Trump, a months-long TMB investigation can reveal. “With the shit that pours out of that orange buffoon’s mouth, my articles over the past year have practically written themselves,” said one writer from The Onion, who is planning to jump from Chicago’s Willis Tower along with scores of colleagues. Employees at the...

ISIS Announces Halt in Attacks on US Following News of Brangelina Split

ISIS Announces Halt in Attacks on US Following News of Brangelina Split

Saying that strikes against the U.S. would be “heartless, gratuitous, and entirely inappropriate at the moment,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced a temporary unilateral ceasefire against America following the breakup of Hollywood’s most powerful celebrity couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “In light of recent events, we have suspended indefinitely all operations against the United States and ask our supporters and affiliates to do the same,” al-Baghdadi said in a press release. “While we have serious differences of opinion...

Emmys Snub For ISIS Film Producer Left off In Memoriam Reel

Emmys Snub For ISIS Film Producer Left off In Memoriam Reel

The 2016 Emmy Awards paid homage to the many stars who died this past year with its “In Memoriam” tribute on Sunday, September 18. However, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences failed to include several creative powerhouses who passed away in the reel, angering people around the world. Fans of ISIS propaganda video mega-producer Wa’il Adil Hasan Salman al-Fayad, killed by coalition forces near Raqqa earlier this month, were particularly irate at his exclusion. Al-Fayad oversaw ISIS’s production of...

ISIS Leader to Release Medical Records on The Dr. Oz Show

ISIS Leader to Release Medical Records on The Dr. Oz Show

Saying he was tired of false reports of his death, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has agreed to appear on “The Dr. Oz Show” to present his medical records. After giving the ISIS Caliph a thorough physical, Dr. Mehmet Oz, the host of the popular TV show, said the caliph is a bit overweight but overall healthy and should be able to continue jihad for many years to come. “It is important that the leader of the Caliphate be in...

‘Suicide Squad’ to be Remade with Cast of Middle East Dictators

‘Suicide Squad’ to be Remade with Cast of Middle East Dictators

HOLLYWOOD – Warner Bros. Pictures announced that Christopher Nolan will direct a reboot of the super villain movie, Suicide Squad. After the 2016 release disappointed critics and fans alike, the studio was giddy at the prospect of another attempt at the film with a different approach. “I took time to think how we could make the movie more modern and appeal to a new audience.” Explained Nolan. “I eventually realized that banding together all the different Middle East leaders would...

The Zohan Launches Presidential Run, Vows to “Make America Hummus-ier”

The Zohan Launches Presidential Run, Vows to “Make America Hummus-ier”

NEW YORK – Declaring that “neither De Donald nor De Hillary has what it takes to spread de American Dream around,” counter terrorist-turned-hair and hummus tycoon Zohan Dvir announced a historic independent run for the White House today, potentially transforming the current two-way U.S. Presidential race. “De Hillary is like smearing stale peanut butter on your toast, and De Donald like arsenic-laden shit,” said Dvir at his Ellis Island campaign launch, flanked by his running mate, wife and business partner,...

Chris Brown Offered Dream Job with ISIS

Chris Brown Offered Dream Job with ISIS

Grammy Award winner and domestic violence advocate Chris Brown was arrested on Tuesday following a standoff with police at his Hollywood mansion. Brown, best known for having the unmitigated gall to raise his fist to Rihanna’s beautiful visage back in 2009, recorded a profanity-laced rant on his Instagram account defending his actions and declaring himself a victim of police brutality. His self-pity and vitriol caught the eye of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who enthusiastically offered Brown a key role...

The Khans Get their Own Television Show

The Khans Get their Own Television Show

NBC announced today that Khizr and Ghazala Khan, Donald Trump’s favorite couple, will be getting their own reality program, as part of the fall TV schedule. “Muslim Fear Factor will feature pulse racing stunts that force contestants to face their most primal fear: American Muslims. The Khans have signed on to host what promises to be a fascinating journey deep into the minds of gun-toting, god-fearing, beer-swigging, mad-as-hell Americans: The more butt-hurt by life, the better. We are currently reviewing...

Obama Demands 1996 Mel Gibson Film ‘Ransom’ Change Name to ‘Leverage’

Obama Demands 1996 Mel Gibson Film ‘Ransom’ Change Name to ‘Leverage’

Saying that the title of the film did not reflect an accurate description of the money Mel Gibson’s character paid kidnappers for the return of his son, President Obama has demanded that the name of the 1996 action thriller “Ransom” be changed to “Leverage.” “Tom Mullen [the character played by Gibson] was not paying the $2 million to the kidnappers as ransom, as the film’s title suggests, but was simply taking advantage of the leverage offered by having millions of...

Jihadi Teen Brides Lament the Death of Justin Bieber’s Instagram Account

Jihadi Teen Brides Lament the Death of Justin Bieber’s Instagram Account

Canadian “singer” Justin Bieber’s jihadi fan base is hurting this morning after their idol shut down his Instagram account. “Justin’s Instagram was a gift from Allah,” wailed one young ISIS bride. “I left school in New Jersey to join this utopian Islamic Caliphate, but I got depressed when I realized that ‘utopia’ doesn’t look as much like Panama City Beach during Spring Break as you might think. I’m not really sure that my new husband really knows what “utopia” means…...

Ozzy Osborne Seeks Cure for Sex Addiction in Saudi Arabia

Ozzy Osborne Seeks Cure for Sex Addiction in Saudi Arabia

Hard rock legend Ozzy Osborne is relocating to the kingdom of Saudi Arabia in a desperate search for a remedy to his addiction to sex. “Problem is, I have 24/7 access to every flavor of poontang you can imagine. I even hooked up with a chick I met at a polling station during the Brexit vote. That’s when it hit me: I need to move somewhere where women can’t vote,” the former Black Sabbath front man recollected whilst on his...

Iran Enlists the Help of 50 Cent and Diddy to Spend $400 million

Iran Enlists the Help of 50 Cent and Diddy to Spend $400 million

The Iranian government, having recently received a $400 million payment from the American government which was definitely not a ransom payment, has enlisted rappers 50 Cent and Diddy for advice on the best way to spend the money. “Since the money was already in cash and in relatively small denominations, they suggested that we ‘hit up the strip club’ and ‘make it rain on some hoes’,” Explained Ayatollah Khomeini. “A quick urban dictionary search confirmed the definition of these expressions....

ISIS Threatens U.S. with Game of Thrones Spoilers

ISIS Threatens U.S. with Game of Thrones Spoilers

In a terrifying new strategy aimed at escalating its war against the West, ISIS announced that it will inundate Americans with Game of Thrones spoilers next season unless the U.S. withdraws completely from the Middle East. “All the infidel drones and war planes in the world cannot change the fact that the Caliphate is seven hours ahead of the East Coast of the United States, meaning we will have plenty of time to watch the episodes and give away key...

Bernie Bros Look to Game of Thrones to Find Appropriate Punishment for Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Bernie Bros Look to Game of Thrones to Find Appropriate Punishment for Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Outgoing Democratic National Committee Chairwoman and cup of undercooked Ramen noodles Debbie Wasserman Schultz has been heavily criticized after wikileaks published proof that she and the DNC undermined Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign. After Wasserman Schultz announced her resignation, Bernie’s campaign manager Jeff Weaver told reporters that “Today the voices of Bernie Sanders supporters have been heard. It’s hard to miss them, they are shrill and keep screaming ‘bern the witch!’ Today have one unified rage-filled goal, and that’s to find...

Kim Kardashian Becomes World’s Foremost Investigative Journalist, US Govt. Quakes in Fear

Kim Kardashian Becomes World’s Foremost Investigative Journalist, US Govt. Quakes in Fear

HOLLYWOOD, CA — 2016 has been a year of political turmoil, terrorism, and unexpected Brexits, but perhaps the most shocking development yet came on Sunday evening when Kim Kardashian-West became the world’s foremost investigative journalist. Kardashian-West, previously best known for being attached to an amazing, albeit a gi-fucking-gantic ass (her own) and an awful one (her husband Kanye West) released video evidence via Snapchat of Taylor Swift approving the lyrics to Kanye’s song ‘Famous,’ after she previously denied any and...

Drake and Gigi Hadid Discuss Israel-Palestine Conflict Over Coffee

Drake and Gigi Hadid Discuss Israel-Palestine Conflict Over Coffee

Rapper Drake and supermodel Gigi Hadid have been spotted at a Hollywood Starbucks discussing their views on the Israel-Palestine conflict. Drake, who is half Jewish, believes in Israel’s right to remain a Jewish state. Hadid, whose father is Palestinian, believes in an end to the occupation and a one-state solution. The two were spotted around noon during the middle of a respectful, intellectual discussion. Drake later told the MidEast Beast, “Gigi taught me so much about what the Palestinian people...

50 Cent to Headline Saudi Arabia’s First Gay Pride Parade to Pay Off Debt

50 Cent to Headline Saudi Arabia’s First Gay Pride Parade to Pay Off Debt

LOS ANGELES — 50 Cent has reached a bankruptcy deal that will require him to pay out $23 million to his creditors over the next five years. In order to help pay that debt, he has confirmed that he will be performing in the first-ever gay pride festival in Saudi Arabia, despite his long history of anti-gay comments, such as (and including remarkable grammar skills, “If you [are] a man and your [sic] over 25 and you don’t eat pu**y...