Entertainment

ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale

ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale

Saying it would be unfair to expect his warriors to sacrifice their lives for Islam before finding out if Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen actually get it on, ISIS spokesman Ahmed al-Lannister announced that the terror group will put off its apocalyptic battle with western infidels until after the popular HBO series “Game of Thrones” concludes. “While the forces of the faithful are eager to martyr themselves to defeat the unbelievers, they cannot enter the kingdom of Allah without first...

Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air

Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air

A spokesman for Iranian state television has confirmed that its presenters are buzzed pretty much all the time. “It’s pretty much the only way they can get through a show without breaking down. To be fair how do you think you would cope if each night you had to lead with stories on how terrible the great Satan is and their lap dog the little Satan. And you can’t keep straight whether the little Satan is Israel this week or...

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ATLANTA — Authorities in Atlanta have uncovered the largest ISIS sleeper cell ever found on US soil, with the terror outpost found in R&B star Robert “R.” Kelly’s basement. Detectives say R. Kelly had been using his uplifting lyrics and seductive voice to draw in and brainwash recruits, even recording reworked classics such as “Trapped in the Caliph’s Closet”, “Behead and Grind” and “I Believe I Can Fly…..This Hijacked Plane.” He would meet aspiring artists at his concerts, and recruit them...

Let’s Pop Saudi’s Ass Pimple

Let’s Pop Saudi’s Ass Pimple

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here This week on The Mideast Beast Podcast you’ll get all the info on Qatar, why they imported 4000 cows (no, it’s not beastility), and why they’re getting the boot from other major players in the Middle East. If you don’t have iTunes, check out our Podcast section on the website.  ...

Assad Offers Humanitarian Assistance to Lena Dunham’s Dogs

Assad Offers Humanitarian Assistance to Lena Dunham’s Dogs

Saying that he could no longer stand by in the face of such needless suffering, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has agreed to take in a limited number of dog refugees from actress Lena Dunham. Assad’s offer comes after reports that a healthy dog adopted by Dunham in 2014 was later returned to the animal shelter showing signs of PTSD. “While the suffering of Lamby has shocked Syrians and people throughout the world, it represents just a fraction of the trauma...

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ends After Lebanon, Tunisia Ban “Wonder Woman”

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ends After Lebanon, Tunisia Ban “Wonder Woman”

After more than 100 years of bloodshed, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict ended abruptly the other day after Lebanon and Tunisia banned the screening of the movie Wonder Woman, which features an Israeli actress in the iconic role. When Lebanon revealed that it had banned the film, Israeli PM Netanyahu called for all armed forces to retreat from the West Bank immediately and end the siege on Gaza. Thousands of ultra-nationalist religious settlers then decided to donate their homes to Palestinian refugees...

ISIS Mistakenly Takes Responsibility for Decapitating Trump

ISIS Mistakenly Takes Responsibility for Decapitating Trump

In a huge faux pas, ISIS mistakenly took responsibility for decapitating President Trump and is now seeking revenge after finding out the photo of Kathy Griffin holding up a bloody Trump head wasn’t real. Unfortunately for Griffin her greatest fear is no longer that her dying career is finally over, as she has now officially been targeted by ISIS. There has been no word from Griffin, who was unconvincingly devastated by the onslaught of backlash from the President – who...

White House Correspondents’ Dinner ‘Finds Better President as Guest’

White House Correspondents’ Dinner ‘Finds Better President as Guest’

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner committee has decided on a fresh approach following President Trump’s decision to not attend this year. They extended an invitation to Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, the self-proclaimed ‘longtime fan of the New York Times’, and he has accepted. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on his speech, which I can assure you is going to be full of ‘zingers’. He recognizes the religious leanings of...

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm

Alex Jones, the walking advertisement for why you really shouldn’t stay out in the sun too long, and the host of Infowars.com has reported that the elite Golden Division of the Iraqi Army is engaged in intense combat with ISIS forces in and around the Swedish capital. Heavy fighting is reported around the Ikea store in Jakobsberg, although Infowars.com correspondents may be confusing this with the normal Sunday afternoon rush to get reasonably priced homeware bargains. President Trump has directed...

Iranian President to be Roasted at White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Iranian President to be Roasted at White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, has accepted an invitation to be the guest of honor at this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on his speech, which I can assure you is going to be full of ‘zingers’. He recognizes the religious leanings of his audience so he’ll be limiting the Zionist jibes and will only be telling one holocaust joke. But that will be the...

ISIS Clarifies: ‘We Had Nothing to Do with Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Performance’

ISIS Clarifies: ‘We Had Nothing to Do with Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Performance’

Calling it a disaster for which the West has only itself to blame, ISIS issued a statement Sunday morning stating that it bore no responsibility for singer Mariah Carey’s disastrous performance on ABC’s New Year’s Eve event at Times Square. “In the wake of the infidel Mariah Carey’s nakba [catastrophe] last night, we have heard people speculate that we may have hacked into the speaker system to embarrass the American Crusaders, or secretly drugged Mrs. Carey, or some shit like that,”...

Walt Disney’s Epcot Opens ‘Little Israel’

Walt Disney’s Epcot Opens ‘Little Israel’

ORLANDO, FL — The Happiest Place On Earth just got a little happier, as Disney announced the opening of Little Israel at Epcot Center this past weekend, just in time for Hanukkah and Christmas.  The multinational corporation has carved out some land to represent the Jewish State, providing authentic cultural experiences all staffed by out-of-your-league chicks rocking casually slung assault rifles. As Epcot is known for showcasing technological innovations from around the world, Little Israel features the Iron Dome Missile...

Donald Trump Names Michael Bolton as Potential Special Envoy for Middle East Peace

Donald Trump Names Michael Bolton as Potential Special Envoy for Middle East Peace

President-Elect Donald Trump announced earlier today that he is considering Michael Bolton as his special envoy for the Middle East Peace process. After the announcement, the question on everyone’s mind is: Doesn’t he mean John Bolton? Special Envoy for Middle East Peace is a position dedicated to bringing an end to the decades-long Israel-Palestinian conflict. John Bolton is a lawyer and diplomat who has served in several Republican administrations including Ambassador to the UN; his name had even been tossed around as a...

Trump Invites Palestinian President and Israeli PM to Compete on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’

Trump Invites Palestinian President and Israeli PM to Compete on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’

After revealing that he’ll be staying on as executive producer of his reality TV show, Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump released a statement this morning disclosing a possible motive for the decision: he plans to use the game show as a political platform. Trump has invited Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to compete on the show’s upcoming season, with each playing on behalf of his country’s right to exist. “This is the best way to solve their...

Syrians Breathe Sigh of Relief as Kanye Released from Hospital after ‘Being Tired’

Syrians Breathe Sigh of Relief as Kanye Released from Hospital after ‘Being Tired’

ALEPPO — The residents of war-torn Aleppo breathed a collective sigh of relief Thursday night after learning Kanye West had been released from the hospital after eight whole days for exhaustion, according to major news channels, and TMZ. West has a rapidly shrinking fan base in Aleppo (due to the city’s rapidly dwindling population), but a fan base nevertheless. Many of these fans had been under considerable stress while the rapper was under observation for being tired. “Kanye’s music has...

Assad Looking to Sell His ‘Hamilton’ Tickets

Assad Looking to Sell His ‘Hamilton’ Tickets

Saying he no longer wanted to attend the hit Broadway musical, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly looking to sell two orchestra tickets to ‘Hamilton.’ “After all the stress at work, I had been looking forward to a nice night with my wife at the theater,” Assad wrote on a StubHub posting listing the tickets at face value. “But apparently, the cast has taken up the habit of harassing people in the audience over issues that they’re having at work,...

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton

From The Onion to The Mideast Beast, hundreds of satire writers have resolved to kill themselves on November 8 should Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton defeat GOP nominee Donald Trump, a months-long TMB investigation can reveal. “With the shit that pours out of that orange buffoon’s mouth, my articles over the past year have practically written themselves,” said one writer from The Onion, who is planning to jump from Chicago’s Willis Tower along with scores of colleagues. Employees at the...

ISIS Announces Halt in Attacks on US Following News of Brangelina Split

ISIS Announces Halt in Attacks on US Following News of Brangelina Split

Saying that strikes against the U.S. would be “heartless, gratuitous, and entirely inappropriate at the moment,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced a temporary unilateral ceasefire against America following the breakup of Hollywood’s most powerful celebrity couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “In light of recent events, we have suspended indefinitely all operations against the United States and ask our supporters and affiliates to do the same,” al-Baghdadi said in a press release. “While we have serious differences of opinion...

Emmys Snub For ISIS Film Producer Left off In Memoriam Reel

Emmys Snub For ISIS Film Producer Left off In Memoriam Reel

The 2016 Emmy Awards paid homage to the many stars who died this past year with its “In Memoriam” tribute on Sunday, September 18. However, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences failed to include several creative powerhouses who passed away in the reel, angering people around the world. Fans of ISIS propaganda video mega-producer Wa’il Adil Hasan Salman al-Fayad, killed by coalition forces near Raqqa earlier this month, were particularly irate at his exclusion. Al-Fayad oversaw ISIS’s production of...