Entertainment

ISIS Leader to Pose in Swimsuit for Vogue Magazine
,

ISIS Leader to Pose in Swimsuit for Vogue Magazine

In a photo shoot that supporters of the ISIS leader have called inspirational, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi will appear on the cover of Vogue magazine wearing only a tight black speedo and hot pink bikini. “I’m still alive and I am beautiful!” the Caliph wrote in a Tweet accompanying the picture, which showed him in stunning two-piece. The spread...

Gloves that Don’t Fit and Metal Detectors that Don’t Quit
,

Gloves that Don’t Fit and Metal Detectors that Don’t Quit

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here On this episode, No. 8: Is there a link between OJ Simpson and the Middle East peace process? Leave it to hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles to make that leap as they discuss renewed tensions, terror, and moral high ground. Spoiler...

ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale
,

ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale

Saying it would be unfair to expect his warriors to sacrifice their lives for Islam before finding out if Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen actually get it on, ISIS spokesman Ahmed al-Lannister announced that the terror group will put off its apocalyptic battle with western infidels until after the popular HBO series “Game of Thrones” concludes. “While the forces of...

Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air
,

Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air

A spokesman for Iranian state television has confirmed that its presenters are buzzed pretty much all the time. “It’s pretty much the only way they can get through a show without breaking down. To be fair how do you think you would cope if each night you had to lead with stories on how terrible the great Satan is and...

Let’s Pop Saudi’s Ass Pimple
,

Let’s Pop Saudi’s Ass Pimple

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here This week on The Mideast Beast Podcast you’ll get all the info on Qatar, why they imported 4000 cows (no, it’s not beastility), and why they’re getting the boot from other major players in the Middle East. If you don’t have...

Assad Offers Humanitarian Assistance to Lena Dunham’s Dogs
,

Assad Offers Humanitarian Assistance to Lena Dunham’s Dogs

Saying that he could no longer stand by in the face of such needless suffering, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has agreed to take in a limited number of dog refugees from actress Lena Dunham. Assad’s offer comes after reports that a healthy dog adopted by Dunham in 2014 was later returned to the animal shelter showing signs of PTSD. “While...

ISIS Mistakenly Takes Responsibility for Decapitating Trump
,

ISIS Mistakenly Takes Responsibility for Decapitating Trump

In a huge faux pas, ISIS mistakenly took responsibility for decapitating President Trump and is now seeking revenge after finding out the photo of Kathy Griffin holding up a bloody Trump head wasn’t real. Unfortunately for Griffin her greatest fear is no longer that her dying career is finally over, as she has now officially been targeted by ISIS. There...

White House Correspondents’ Dinner ‘Finds Better President as Guest’
,

White House Correspondents’ Dinner ‘Finds Better President as Guest’

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner committee has decided on a fresh approach following President Trump’s decision to not attend this year. They extended an invitation to Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, the self-proclaimed ‘longtime fan of the New York Times’, and he has accepted. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on...

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm
, ,

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm

Alex Jones, the walking advertisement for why you really shouldn’t stay out in the sun too long, and the host of Infowars.com has reported that the elite Golden Division of the Iraqi Army is engaged in intense combat with ISIS forces in and around the Swedish capital. Heavy fighting is reported around the Ikea store in Jakobsberg, although Infowars.com correspondents...

Walt Disney’s Epcot Opens ‘Little Israel’
, ,

Walt Disney’s Epcot Opens ‘Little Israel’

ORLANDO, FL — The Happiest Place On Earth just got a little happier, as Disney announced the opening of Little Israel at Epcot Center this past weekend, just in time for Hanukkah and Christmas.  The multinational corporation has carved out some land to represent the Jewish State, providing authentic cultural experiences all staffed by out-of-your-league chicks rocking casually slung assault...

Donald Trump Names Michael Bolton as Potential Special Envoy for Middle East Peace
,

Donald Trump Names Michael Bolton as Potential Special Envoy for Middle East Peace

President-Elect Donald Trump announced earlier today that he is considering Michael Bolton as his special envoy for the Middle East Peace process. After the announcement, the question on everyone’s mind is: Doesn’t he mean John Bolton? Special Envoy for Middle East Peace is a position dedicated to bringing an end to the decades-long Israel-Palestinian conflict. John Bolton is a lawyer and diplomat who...

Trump Invites Palestinian President and Israeli PM to Compete on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’
,

Trump Invites Palestinian President and Israeli PM to Compete on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’

After revealing that he’ll be staying on as executive producer of his reality TV show, Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump released a statement this morning disclosing a possible motive for the decision: he plans to use the game show as a political platform. Trump has invited Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to compete on the show’s upcoming...

Assad Looking to Sell His ‘Hamilton’ Tickets
,

Assad Looking to Sell His ‘Hamilton’ Tickets

Saying he no longer wanted to attend the hit Broadway musical, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly looking to sell two orchestra tickets to ‘Hamilton.’ “After all the stress at work, I had been looking forward to a nice night with my wife at the theater,” Assad wrote on a StubHub posting listing the tickets at face value. “But apparently,...

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton
, ,

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton

From The Onion to The Mideast Beast, hundreds of satire writers have resolved to kill themselves on November 8 should Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton defeat GOP nominee Donald Trump, a months-long TMB investigation can reveal. “With the shit that pours out of that orange buffoon’s mouth, my articles over the past year have practically written themselves,” said one writer...

ISIS Announces Halt in Attacks on US Following News of Brangelina Split
,

ISIS Announces Halt in Attacks on US Following News of Brangelina Split

Saying that strikes against the U.S. would be “heartless, gratuitous, and entirely inappropriate at the moment,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced a temporary unilateral ceasefire against America following the breakup of Hollywood’s most powerful celebrity couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “In light of recent events, we have suspended indefinitely all operations against the United States and ask our...