Entertainment
Emmys Snub For ISIS Film Producer Left off In Memoriam Reel
The 2016 Emmy Awards paid homage to the many stars who died this past year with its “In Memoriam” tribute on Sunday, September 18. However, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences failed to include several creative powerhouses who passed away in the reel, angering people around the world. Fans of ISIS propaganda video mega-producer Wa’il Adil Hasan Salman al-Fayad, killed by coalition forces near Raqqa earlier this month, were particularly irate at his exclusion. Al-Fayad oversaw ISIS’s production of...
ISIS Leader to Release Medical Records on The Dr. Oz Show
Saying he was tired of false reports of his death, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has agreed to appear on “The Dr. Oz Show” to present his medical records. After giving the ISIS Caliph a thorough physical, Dr. Mehmet Oz, the host of the popular TV show, said the caliph is a bit overweight but overall healthy and should be able to continue jihad for many years to come. “It is important that the leader of the Caliphate be in...
‘Suicide Squad’ to be Remade with Cast of Middle East Dictators
HOLLYWOOD – Warner Bros. Pictures announced that Christopher Nolan will direct a reboot of the super villain movie, Suicide Squad. After the 2016 release disappointed critics and fans alike, the studio was giddy at the prospect of another attempt at the film with a different approach. “I took time to think how we could make the movie more modern and appeal to a new audience.” Explained Nolan. “I eventually realized that banding together all the different Middle East leaders would...
The Zohan Launches Presidential Run, Vows to “Make America Hummus-ier”
NEW YORK – Declaring that “neither De Donald nor De Hillary has what it takes to spread de American Dream around,” counter terrorist-turned-hair and hummus tycoon Zohan Dvir announced a historic independent run for the White House today, potentially transforming the current two-way U.S. Presidential race. “De Hillary is like smearing stale peanut butter on your toast, and De Donald like arsenic-laden shit,” said Dvir at his Ellis Island campaign launch, flanked by his running mate, wife and business partner,...
Chris Brown Offered Dream Job with ISIS
Grammy Award winner and domestic violence advocate Chris Brown was arrested on Tuesday following a standoff with police at his Hollywood mansion. Brown, best known for having the unmitigated gall to raise his fist to Rihanna’s beautiful visage back in 2009, recorded a profanity-laced rant on his Instagram account defending his actions and declaring himself a victim of police brutality. His self-pity and vitriol caught the eye of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who enthusiastically offered Brown a key role...
The Khans Get their Own Television Show
NBC announced today that Khizr and Ghazala Khan, Donald Trump’s favorite couple, will be getting their own reality program, as part of the fall TV schedule. “Muslim Fear Factor will feature pulse racing stunts that force contestants to face their most primal fear: American Muslims. The Khans have signed on to host what promises to be a fascinating journey deep into the minds of gun-toting, god-fearing, beer-swigging, mad-as-hell Americans: The more butt-hurt by life, the better. We are currently reviewing...
Obama Demands 1996 Mel Gibson Film ‘Ransom’ Change Name to ‘Leverage’
Saying that the title of the film did not reflect an accurate description of the money Mel Gibson’s character paid kidnappers for the return of his son, President Obama has demanded that the name of the 1996 action thriller “Ransom” be changed to “Leverage.” “Tom Mullen [the character played by Gibson] was not paying the $2 million to the kidnappers as ransom, as the film’s title suggests, but was simply taking advantage of the leverage offered by having millions of...
Jihadi Teen Brides Lament the Death of Justin Bieber’s Instagram Account
Canadian “singer” Justin Bieber’s jihadi fan base is hurting this morning after their idol shut down his Instagram account. “Justin’s Instagram was a gift from Allah,” wailed one young ISIS bride. “I left school in New Jersey to join this utopian Islamic Caliphate, but I got depressed when I realized that ‘utopia’ doesn’t look as much like Panama City Beach during Spring Break as you might think. I’m not really sure that my new husband really knows what “utopia” means…...
Ozzy Osborne Seeks Cure for Sex Addiction in Saudi Arabia
Hard rock legend Ozzy Osborne is relocating to the kingdom of Saudi Arabia in a desperate search for a remedy to his addiction to sex. “Problem is, I have 24/7 access to every flavor of poontang you can imagine. I even hooked up with a chick I met at a polling station during the Brexit vote. That’s when it hit me: I need to move somewhere where women can’t vote,” the former Black Sabbath front man recollected whilst on his...
Iran Enlists the Help of 50 Cent and Diddy to Spend $400 million
The Iranian government, having recently received a $400 million payment from the American government which was definitely not a ransom payment, has enlisted rappers 50 Cent and Diddy for advice on the best way to spend the money. “Since the money was already in cash and in relatively small denominations, they suggested that we ‘hit up the strip club’ and ‘make it rain on some hoes’,” Explained Ayatollah Khomeini. “A quick urban dictionary search confirmed the definition of these expressions....
Saudi Prince Buys Rights to Jewish Song
A Saudi Prince today purchased the rights to the well-known Jewish song Hava Nagila (Let’s rejoice). Reached for comment on his yacht, the Prince said through an interpreter “I dig the tune. It friggin’ rocks.” With the specter of future royalty payments looming, Jewish folk bands are refusing to play the song. “I hated the damn thing anyway! I felt like such a tool whenever we played it,” remarked Shlomo Tubberstein, a local folk musician from Jerusalem. “Trying to remain Celibate?...
ISIS Threatens U.S. with Game of Thrones Spoilers
In a terrifying new strategy aimed at escalating its war against the West, ISIS announced that it will inundate Americans with Game of Thrones spoilers next season unless the U.S. withdraws completely from the Middle East. “All the infidel drones and war planes in the world cannot change the fact that the Caliphate is seven hours ahead of the East Coast of the United States, meaning we will have plenty of time to watch the episodes and give away key...
Bernie Bros Look to Game of Thrones to Find Appropriate Punishment for Debbie Wasserman Schultz
Outgoing Democratic National Committee Chairwoman and cup of undercooked Ramen noodles Debbie Wasserman Schultz has been heavily criticized after wikileaks published proof that she and the DNC undermined Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign. After Wasserman Schultz announced her resignation, Bernie’s campaign manager Jeff Weaver told reporters that “Today the voices of Bernie Sanders supporters have been heard. It’s hard to miss them, they are shrill and keep screaming ‘bern the witch!’ Today have one unified rage-filled goal, and that’s to find...
Kim Kardashian Becomes World’s Foremost Investigative Journalist, US Govt. Quakes in Fear
HOLLYWOOD, CA — 2016 has been a year of political turmoil, terrorism, and unexpected Brexits, but perhaps the most shocking development yet came on Sunday evening when Kim Kardashian-West became the world’s foremost investigative journalist. Kardashian-West, previously best known for being attached to an amazing, albeit a gi-fucking-gantic ass (her own) and an awful one (her husband Kanye West) released video evidence via Snapchat of Taylor Swift approving the lyrics to Kanye’s song ‘Famous,’ after she previously denied any and...
50 Cent to Headline Saudi Arabia’s First Gay Pride Parade to Pay Off Debt
LOS ANGELES — 50 Cent has reached a bankruptcy deal that will require him to pay out $23 million to his creditors over the next five years. In order to help pay that debt, he has confirmed that he will be performing in the first-ever gay pride festival in Saudi Arabia, despite his long history of anti-gay comments, such as (and including remarkable grammar skills, “If you [are] a man and your [sic] over 25 and you don’t eat pu**y...
As Pokémon GO Wreaks Havoc Across U.S., CIA Confirms Iran is Behind the Game
QUANTICO — For years, Americans have been told to fear the looming monster of a nuclear Iran, and so we have. But, in a classic M. Night Shyamalan twist, the real monsters were in our pockets all along. Pocket Monsters ‘Pokémon,’ as they’re called on the street, have begun to pop up across the United States thanks to the new mobile game, ‘Pokémon Go.’ Americans have begun to wander, without any discernable concern for their wellbeing, around their cities and...
Western World Shocked by Islamist Belief that Radiohead is Still Relevant
After radical Islamists attacked a Radiohead listening party in Istanbul last Friday, the Western world has begun to awaken to the shocking fact that many Islamists still care about Radiohead. “Until Friday’s attack, I was under the impression that radical Islam could be controlled,” President Obama admitted in a press conference following Friday’s attack by Islamists in Turkey’s largest city. “It’s now clear, however, that these people are completely detached from civilization and modernity.” RELATED: ISIS Plays Snippet of New Nickelback...
Are You up for the ‘Iron Dome’ Challenge?
Following the success of the Ice Bucket Challenge in aid of ALS, Hamas and the IDF have been moved to create their very own charity fundraising scheme. Saul Starstein, Director of Giving for the IDF explained more. “We all accept that our media profile is really not that great. Now’s not the time to get into the blame game of ‘who fired first’…though they totally did. But now we’ve reached across borders to join hands with our recent enemies and bring...
Mideast Leaders to Use Game of Thrones Strategies for Peace Initiative during Month of Fast
As chaos and civil war continues to grow in the Middle East, Middle Eastern leaders have gathered in honor of Ramadan, in attempt to restore order and quell tensions during the holy month. “By following the last four episodes of GOT Season 6, which Allah has so generously brought forth to us to coincide with our holy month, we will surely be able to work less and pray more as we effectively impose the show’s strategies on our people.” Beginning...