Entertainment
Obama Demands 1996 Mel Gibson Film ‘Ransom’ Change Name to ‘Leverage’
Saying that the title of the film did not reflect an accurate description of the money Mel Gibson’s character paid kidnappers for the return of his son, President Obama has demanded that the name of the 1996 action thriller “Ransom” be changed to “Leverage.” “Tom Mullen [the character played by Gibson] was not paying the $2 million to the kidnappers as ransom, as the film’s title suggests, but was simply taking advantage of the leverage offered by having millions of...
Jihadi Teen Brides Lament the Death of Justin Bieber’s Instagram Account
Canadian “singer” Justin Bieber’s jihadi fan base is hurting this morning after their idol shut down his Instagram account. “Justin’s Instagram was a gift from Allah,” wailed one young ISIS bride. “I left school in New Jersey to join this utopian Islamic Caliphate, but I got depressed when I realized that ‘utopia’ doesn’t look as much like Panama City Beach during Spring Break as you might think. I’m not really sure that my new husband really knows what “utopia” means…...
Ozzy Osborne Seeks Cure for Sex Addiction in Saudi Arabia
Hard rock legend Ozzy Osborne is relocating to the kingdom of Saudi Arabia in a desperate search for a remedy to his addiction to sex. “Problem is, I have 24/7 access to every flavor of poontang you can imagine. I even hooked up with a chick I met at a polling station during the Brexit vote. That’s when it hit me: I need to move somewhere where women can’t vote,” the former Black Sabbath front man recollected whilst on his...
Iran Enlists the Help of 50 Cent and Diddy to Spend $400 million
The Iranian government, having recently received a $400 million payment from the American government which was definitely not a ransom payment, has enlisted rappers 50 Cent and Diddy for advice on the best way to spend the money. “Since the money was already in cash and in relatively small denominations, they suggested that we ‘hit up the strip club’ and ‘make it rain on some hoes’,” Explained Ayatollah Khomeini. “A quick urban dictionary search confirmed the definition of these expressions....
Saudi Prince Buys Rights to Jewish Song
A Saudi Prince today purchased the rights to the well-known Jewish song Hava Nagila (Let’s rejoice). Reached for comment on his yacht, the Prince said through an interpreter “I dig the tune. It friggin’ rocks.” With the specter of future royalty payments looming, Jewish folk bands are refusing to play the song. “I hated the damn thing anyway! I felt like such a tool whenever we played it,” remarked Shlomo Tubberstein, a local folk musician from Jerusalem. “Trying to remain Celibate?...
ISIS Threatens U.S. with Game of Thrones Spoilers
In a terrifying new strategy aimed at escalating its war against the West, ISIS announced that it will inundate Americans with Game of Thrones spoilers next season unless the U.S. withdraws completely from the Middle East. “All the infidel drones and war planes in the world cannot change the fact that the Caliphate is seven hours ahead of the East Coast of the United States, meaning we will have plenty of time to watch the episodes and give away key...
Bernie Bros Look to Game of Thrones to Find Appropriate Punishment for Debbie Wasserman Schultz
Outgoing Democratic National Committee Chairwoman and cup of undercooked Ramen noodles Debbie Wasserman Schultz has been heavily criticized after wikileaks published proof that she and the DNC undermined Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign. After Wasserman Schultz announced her resignation, Bernie’s campaign manager Jeff Weaver told reporters that “Today the voices of Bernie Sanders supporters have been heard. It’s hard to miss them, they are shrill and keep screaming ‘bern the witch!’ Today have one unified rage-filled goal, and that’s to find...
Kim Kardashian Becomes World’s Foremost Investigative Journalist, US Govt. Quakes in Fear
HOLLYWOOD, CA — 2016 has been a year of political turmoil, terrorism, and unexpected Brexits, but perhaps the most shocking development yet came on Sunday evening when Kim Kardashian-West became the world’s foremost investigative journalist. Kardashian-West, previously best known for being attached to an amazing, albeit a gi-fucking-gantic ass (her own) and an awful one (her husband Kanye West) released video evidence via Snapchat of Taylor Swift approving the lyrics to Kanye’s song ‘Famous,’ after she previously denied any and...
50 Cent to Headline Saudi Arabia’s First Gay Pride Parade to Pay Off Debt
LOS ANGELES — 50 Cent has reached a bankruptcy deal that will require him to pay out $23 million to his creditors over the next five years. In order to help pay that debt, he has confirmed that he will be performing in the first-ever gay pride festival in Saudi Arabia, despite his long history of anti-gay comments, such as (and including remarkable grammar skills, “If you [are] a man and your [sic] over 25 and you don’t eat pu**y...
As Pokémon GO Wreaks Havoc Across U.S., CIA Confirms Iran is Behind the Game
QUANTICO — For years, Americans have been told to fear the looming monster of a nuclear Iran, and so we have. But, in a classic M. Night Shyamalan twist, the real monsters were in our pockets all along. Pocket Monsters ‘Pokémon,’ as they’re called on the street, have begun to pop up across the United States thanks to the new mobile game, ‘Pokémon Go.’ Americans have begun to wander, without any discernable concern for their wellbeing, around their cities and...
Western World Shocked by Islamist Belief that Radiohead is Still Relevant
After radical Islamists attacked a Radiohead listening party in Istanbul last Friday, the Western world has begun to awaken to the shocking fact that many Islamists still care about Radiohead. “Until Friday’s attack, I was under the impression that radical Islam could be controlled,” President Obama admitted in a press conference following Friday’s attack by Islamists in Turkey’s largest city. “It’s now clear, however, that these people are completely detached from civilization and modernity.” RELATED: ISIS Plays Snippet of New Nickelback...
Are You up for the ‘Iron Dome’ Challenge?
Following the success of the Ice Bucket Challenge in aid of ALS, Hamas and the IDF have been moved to create their very own charity fundraising scheme. Saul Starstein, Director of Giving for the IDF explained more. “We all accept that our media profile is really not that great. Now’s not the time to get into the blame game of ‘who fired first’…though they totally did. But now we’ve reached across borders to join hands with our recent enemies and bring...
Mideast Leaders to Use Game of Thrones Strategies for Peace Initiative during Month of Fast
As chaos and civil war continues to grow in the Middle East, Middle Eastern leaders have gathered in honor of Ramadan, in attempt to restore order and quell tensions during the holy month. “By following the last four episodes of GOT Season 6, which Allah has so generously brought forth to us to coincide with our holy month, we will surely be able to work less and pray more as we effectively impose the show’s strategies on our people.” Beginning...