Antonio Guterres, Secretary-General of the United Nations, delivered breaking news on Friday when he tweeted that Lady Gaga had found the time to talk to him recently about her recent work on peacemaking in the Middle East.
“@ladygaga I am so touched that you are spending this moment in your bored #stayathome routine to try and bring peace to the #MiddleEast” tweeted the 70-year old Guterres. “You and your distinguished colleagues are great humanitarians, acting as amazing role models for other #Covid19 challenged people, who all look like melted ice cream on their sofas, binging Netflix while taking one more step towards alcoholism as they pop open that third bottle of dry white. Not you ladies. You are empowering humanity”.
“You know, I am probably one of the most empowered women on the planet, right? So while we’re all bored as fuck at home because of coronavirus, instead of posting half-naked pictures of ourselves on Instagram, let’s, you know, like, make peace in the Middle East?” Lady Gaga told The Mideast Beast. “So I called Shakira – because her grandfather is from Lebanon, so she’s clearly an expert on the Middle East conflict. Obviously, I also called Cardi B and J-Lo and they totally thought that the four of us could make peace in the Middle East. In our opinion, it all comes down to sexual empowerment. It’s absolutely critical to peace and equality. But how do you make a woman look sexy and powerful in a burqa or an orthodox Jewess in a fucking wig? I’m really starting to realize the decades of struggle that have plagued special envoys and top diplomats: bringing peace to the Middle East is not going to be easy.”
The Mideast Beast also reached out to Cardi B, who seemed slightly less optimistic about peace in the region while the Covid-19 pandemic rages on.
“If you work at the fucking Pentagon, let a bitch know. I need to know. I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m losing my fucking mind. I want to get dressed up. I want to put a fucking lace front on, I want to put on my fucking expensive outfits, and I want to go out. And I can’t!” the rapper (who is currently isolated in her mansion) said.