2016 US Presidential Election

Would-be Trump Assassin Annoyingly White
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Would-be Trump Assassin Annoyingly White

The Trump camp is reportedly furious at the amateur efforts of very white man Michael Sandford, after the 20-year-old Englishman made his assassination attempt this week at a Vegas rally. “I mean look at this guy, he’s so damn pale. I’m told he’s been living in his car. Well, all I can say is crack the sunroof open a little...

Establishment Fires Back after Trump Calls for Complete Shutdown of Dicks Entering the U.S.
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Establishment Fires Back after Trump Calls for Complete Shutdown of Dicks Entering the U.S.

Quoting security concerns from the surge of Syrian refugees, Donald Trump issued a statement calling for the immediate ban of dicks entering the United States. In a town hall event, Trump stated, “If you look at the terror attacks that have happened both at home and abroad, there’s only one group responsible: dicks.  We need to screen for dicks and not let...

ISIS Declares ‘Mission Accomplished’ on Destruction of America After Palin Endorses Trump
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ISIS Declares ‘Mission Accomplished’ on Destruction of America After Palin Endorses Trump

Claiming that his group’s goal of destroying America had clearly been achieved, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi declared “Mission Accomplished” following former Alaska governor Sarah Palin’s OMFG endorsement of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. “There were many who laughed at me when I declared the restoration of the Islamic caliphate and promised that it would bring about the downfall of the American infidels,” Baghdadi...

Trump Accuses Clinton’s Father of Masterminding Assassination of Israeli PM Rabin
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Trump Accuses Clinton’s Father of Masterminding Assassination of Israeli PM Rabin

Just two days after claiming that Ted Cruz’s father aided JFK’s assassin, Donald Trump has alleged that Hugh E. Rodham orchestrated the slaying of Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin. “Crooked Hillary got her daddy to organize the hit [by religious extremist Yigal Amir] in order to boost the reputation of her rapist husband, Bighead Bill,” said the GOP presidential candidate....

Experts Impressed After Trump Correctly Pronounces ‘Syria’ in Foreign Policy Speech
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Experts Impressed After Trump Correctly Pronounces ‘Syria’ in Foreign Policy Speech

Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump surprised foreign policy experts this week, delivering a speech in which he not only refrained from promising to nuke any of America’s allies but correctly pronounced the names of several Middle Eastern nations, including Syria. “I had expected him to nail Libya and Egypt, since those are pretty easy to pronounce,” former Middle East negotiator...

Eyeing Pennsylvania’s Syrian Voters, Clinton Recalls “Fleeing Chicago Sniper Fire as Child Refugee”
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Eyeing Pennsylvania’s Syrian Voters, Clinton Recalls “Fleeing Chicago Sniper Fire as Child Refugee”

ALLENTOWN, PA – At a rally in America’s ‘Little Syria,’ Hillary Clinton once again reaffirmed her reputation for saying or doing absolutely anything to get elected. “I’ll never forget that harrowing day when we fled violence-plagued Chicago for the safety of the suburbs,” a teary-eyed Democratic U.S. Presidential frontrunner told the crowd ahead of the Keystone State’s Tuesday primary. “And the...

EU Calls for Labelling Bernie Sanders as Jewish
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EU Calls for Labelling Bernie Sanders as Jewish

In a move that has outraged Jewish groups throughout the United States, the European Union has called for Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders to be clearly labelled as “Jewish.” “We feel that many voters are unaware of Bernie’s true identity,” one high-ranking EU official said yesterday in a statement. “Senator Sanders will have to wear a mark of some sort to...

Clueless Kasich Asks Jewish Students “If Christian or Muslim Blood Tastes Better in Matzah”
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Clueless Kasich Asks Jewish Students “If Christian or Muslim Blood Tastes Better in Matzah”

The Jewish outreach efforts of GOP Presidential hopeful John Kasich ended in a hail of menacing matzah balls after he invoked an infamous anti-Semitic falsehood during a recent campaign stop in Brooklyn. Ahead of Passover and the Republican New York primary, Kasich met with Orthodox Jews at a Borough Park yeshivah in an attempt to win their votes ­– and perhaps sway...

U.S. Jews Torn between Adding Trump Fans or Bernie Bros as 11th Plague at Passover Dinner
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U.S. Jews Torn between Adding Trump Fans or Bernie Bros as 11th Plague at Passover Dinner

Ahead of Passover, many Jewish Americans are debating which extra plague to include in the Seder night recitation of the Ten Plagues of Egypt. “Trump fans and Bernie Bros are as idiotic and dangerous as each other,” said Ira Abrahmovitz, who is weighing which group to add to the list of biblical plagues that Jews read out alone during Seder. “Whether...

Trump: “Obama is Too Politically Correct to Kill Terrorists’ Families”
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Trump: “Obama is Too Politically Correct to Kill Terrorists’ Families”

Citing President Obama’s adherence to international law when it comes to killing civilians, Donald Trump told the media that the president is overly controlled by “political correctness,” and that a President Trump would kill all families of suspected terrorists, presumably including the children. “International law?” Trump spat in response to a reporter’s question about the Geneva Conventions. “Do you think these...

Hamas Endorses Sanders for President, Calls Him “Jew We Can Believe In”
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Hamas Endorses Sanders for President, Calls Him “Jew We Can Believe In”

Less than a week after erroneously claiming that Israel killed “over 10,000 innocents” in the 2014 Gaza War, Democratic U.S. Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has earned the endorsement of the Islamist group Hamas. “Sanders is just our kind of Jew,” said Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri on Al Aqsa TV yesterday. “Whereas Hillary Clinton is a Zionist c**t from hell, Sanders...

Radical Leftists Unsure Whether to Protest AIPAC for Hosting Trump or Trump for Speaking to AIPAC
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Radical Leftists Unsure Whether to Protest AIPAC for Hosting Trump or Trump for Speaking to AIPAC

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s upcoming speech to AIPAC, the influential pro-Israel lobby, has presented a unique predicament for social justice warriors across the United States, as the leftists have not been able to decide which side to protest. “We were going to post a bunch of comments on Trump’s Facebook page telling him, ‘Don’t speak to those apartheid-supporting Jews,...

Florida’s Jewish Trump Voters Too Riddled with Dementia to Remember What Fascism Is
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Florida’s Jewish Trump Voters Too Riddled with Dementia to Remember What Fascism Is

BOCA RATON – After his resounding victory in Florida’s GOP presidential primary, elderly Jewish Floridians who voted for Donald Trump have admitted that they don’t get what all the fuss is about.  Sitting in the dining room of Beth Tzion, Palm Beach County’s Jewish old age home, 82-year-old resident Hymie Rosenberg praised the controversial GOP frontrunner for his “strength, wisdom...

Following Trump Wins, Middle Eastern Dictators Vow to Free U.S. from Democracy
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Following Trump Wins, Middle Eastern Dictators Vow to Free U.S. from Democracy

Leaders across the Middle East are calling for the spread of dictatorship to the United States, as the ongoing presidential election campaign has shined a light on the dangers of democratic governance. “While Egypt’s citizens are protected from whack jobs who try to win over voters by bragging about the size of their peckers, in America an orange steak salesman/reality...

After David Duke and Louis Farrakhan Endorse Trump, Other Anti-Semites Under Pressure to Follow Suit
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After David Duke and Louis Farrakhan Endorse Trump, Other Anti-Semites Under Pressure to Follow Suit

With prominent anti-Semites including former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan endorsing Republican billionaire Donald Trump in his run for President, other noted anti-Semites including Richard Falk and the leaders of ISIS and al Qaeda are facing increasing pressure to get on board the Trump bandwagon. “On the one hand, the infidel Trump represents...