2016 US Presidential Election

State Department Workers Abandon Review of 15,000 Clinton Emails, Seek Asylum at Saudi Arabian Embassy
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State Department Workers Abandon Review of 15,000 Clinton Emails, Seek Asylum at Saudi Arabian Embassy

Dozens of civil servants tasked with analyzing nearly 15,000 emails of previously undisclosed communications from Hillary Clinton’s private server whilst she was Secretary of State have abandoned their posts and sought asylum at the nearby Saudi Arabian embassy. “It was worse than sitting through Zoolander 2. We were told that no one could leave until somebody found something nasty on...

Clinton: If Elected President, Bill Will Be Kept Away from the Interns
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Clinton: If Elected President, Bill Will Be Kept Away from the Interns

Addressing concerns that a philandering ‘First Dude’ could scandalize a future Hillary Clinton Administration, the Democratic U.S. Presidential nominee vowed on Friday to “keep Bill on a short, GPS-reinforced leash.” “Look, even though Bill has apologized for what happened – which occurred nearly twenty years ago, I may add – I’ll put preventative measures in place,” former First Lady Hillary Clinton...

Trump Campaign Warily Monitors Athletic Ability of Mexican and Syrian Olympic Athletes
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Trump Campaign Warily Monitors Athletic Ability of Mexican and Syrian Olympic Athletes

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL –  While the rest of the world revels in the spectacle of the Olympic games, and quakes in fear of the Zika virus coming home with their athletes, one group is engrossed in the competition for an entirely different reason. “I’m so glad I planned it this way,” Donald Trump told his staff this week, “I’m such a genius for scheduling the...

Trump on Slain U.S. Muslim Soldier’s Mom: ‘With A Face Like Hers, He’s Better Off Dead!’
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Trump on Slain U.S. Muslim Soldier’s Mom: ‘With A Face Like Hers, He’s Better Off Dead!’

NEW YORK – The war of words between Donald J. Trump and the parents of a fallen U.S. soldier significantly escalated last night after the GOP presidential nominee repeatedly insulted the appearance of Army Captain Humayun Khan’s bereaved mother. After reiterating his previous attacks on Ghazala Khan and her husband, Khizr, Trump told Fox News’s Sean Hannity: “Imagine having a...

Hillary Clinton Denies Having a Jewish Heritage; Admits to “Slight Resemblance”
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Hillary Clinton Denies Having a Jewish Heritage; Admits to “Slight Resemblance”

Former First Lady and Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton categorically denied being a member of the Chosen People of God over the weekend, saying, “I know I have the nose for it, and perhaps even the temperament, but I am in no way connected to those Jews.” Speaking at a ‘Friends of Saudi Arabia’ fundraiser, the former Secretary of State cited example...

In Bid to Win ISIS Vote, Trump Vows ‘Blood of the Infidels Will Run Like a River’
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In Bid to Win ISIS Vote, Trump Vows ‘Blood of the Infidels Will Run Like a River’

With polls showing Hillary Clinton with a sizable lead following the Democratic convention, Republican presidential candidate and former Carrot Top impersonator Donald Trump has announced that his campaign will now target disillusioned “ISIS-American” voters this fall. “Now crooked Hillary may be too politically correct to say, ‘There is no God but Allah, and Muhammed is his prophet,’ but, believe me,...

Trump Promises to Amend Declaration of Independence to Address ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’
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Trump Promises to Amend Declaration of Independence to Address ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’

Promising an amendment to the document if elected, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted America’s founding fathers for being “too politically correct” to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism” in the Declaration of Independence. “Hey, I haven’t actually had time to read the Declaration of Independence, but believe me, I was shocked when my advisors told me that there wasn’t one mention of...

Liberal Arab Activists Withdraw Their Calls for Democracy Following Trump Nomination
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Liberal Arab Activists Withdraw Their Calls for Democracy Following Trump Nomination

CAIRO — As Donald Trump won enough delegates to become the Republican presidential nominee last week, liberal activists from across the Arab world have retracted their longstanding demand that their countries adopt democratic rule. “For years, I have been calling for democratic elections and for the will of the people to prevail,” Saudi blogger Raif Badawi told The Mideast Beast. “Now, with Mr....

Trump Promises to Strengthen ISIS by Weakening American Democracy
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Trump Promises to Strengthen ISIS by Weakening American Democracy

WASHINGTON D.C. — Following his promise on Fox News to “strengthen ISIS”, the presumptive Republican nominee, Donald Trump, vowed today to “turn them into a very, very serious threat”. Trump promised to continue making “literally the most Islamophobic remarks any President could ever make”, in order to “increase recruitment to ISIS in the US by so-so-so much folks”. He elaborated...

ISIS to End its Caliphate, Throw Farewell Party at Republican National Convention
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ISIS to End its Caliphate, Throw Farewell Party at Republican National Convention

WASHINGTON D.C. — For weeks, rumors have persisted that A-list celebrities might be making an appearance at Donald Trump’s Republican National Convention this summer. Yet while the GOP Convention will not include Mike Tyson, Bruce Wills, or a single Jew, it will feature leaders of the militant group, the Islamic State. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said;  “We always get...

Trump’s Jewish Grandkids: If You Become President, Please Don’t Gas Us
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Trump’s Jewish Grandkids: If You Become President, Please Don’t Gas Us

NEW YORK – Citing widespread support for his presidential bid by white supremacists, Ivanka Trump’s children have reportedly issued an impassioned appeal to “Grandpa Don to spare us the horrors of a second Holocaust” if the presumptive GOP nominee wins in November. The somewhat hysterical plea follows multiple anti-Semitic and otherwise racist incidents that have marred the Republican’s campaign for the...

In Show of Support for Terror Victims, Trump Vows to Build New Golf Course in Istanbul
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In Show of Support for Terror Victims, Trump Vows to Build New Golf Course in Istanbul

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saluted the Turkish people after a heinous terror attack at Ataturk airport in Istanbul, which killed 42 people and injured more than 230. “Wherever evil strikes, we will strike back…by constructing a Turnberry golf course. Turkey needs to take back its country, just like the United Kingdom did. Wherever we break ground on a front...

Donald Trump: Move the Palestinians to Puerto Rico
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Donald Trump: Move the Palestinians to Puerto Rico

NEW YORK – Billionaire Republican presidential contender Donald Trump has unveiled a controversial peace proposal for the strife-torn holy land: give the U.S. island territory of Puerto Rico to the Palestinians as compensation for surrendering to Israel. According to the so-called “Trump Solution,” rolled out by the outspoken business magnate at a Manhattan press conference, the U.S. would fund the relocation...