2016 US Presidential Election

Clinton: I’m as Qualified as Any Male Candidate to Fail at Solving Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
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Clinton: I’m as Qualified as Any Male Candidate to Fail at Solving Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

In a statement to the media today, the Democratic presidential nominee addressed sexist analyses of her qualifications.  Hillary Clinton spoke directly to those critics claiming that America just isn’t ready for its first female President, maintaining her trademark air of stately confidence, with just a hint of bitterness at potentially having the Oval Office snatched out of her hands yet...

Hillary Promises ‘ISIS Reset’ as President
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Hillary Promises ‘ISIS Reset’ as President

Citing the success of her “Russian Reset” as Secretary of State, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has promised to launch an “ISIS Reset” if elected this November. “While it’s clear that the United States and the Islamic State have gotten off on the wrong foot, it’s about time that we focus on our common interests and work together on key...

Trump Unveils Plan to Battle ISIS by Complaining that the War on Terror is Rigged
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Trump Unveils Plan to Battle ISIS by Complaining that the War on Terror is Rigged

Noting that there is no better way to achieve victory than to complain about the fact that you are losing, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced plans to defeat ISIS by constantly complaining that the global war on terror is rigged against the West. In a detailed policy statement, Trump promised that as president, following successful terrorist attacks carried out...

Trump ‘Softens’ Immigration Policy, Offers “Free Hat to Every Deported Mexican”
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Trump ‘Softens’ Immigration Policy, Offers “Free Hat to Every Deported Mexican”

TUCSON – Citing his “terrific compassion,” GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has offered ‘Make America Great Again’ hats to all would-be deportees from the U.S. to “shield them from the harsh sun back in their homeland.” “And they say I’m a cold-hearted racist!” the billionaire told a rally in suburban Tucson yesterday. “Believe me, the Mexicans will be overjoyed with this token...

ISIS Leader Embraces Democracy after Watching Second Clinton-Trump Debate
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ISIS Leader Embraces Democracy after Watching Second Clinton-Trump Debate

Abu bakr al-Baghdadi, CEO of the Islamic State, was so enthralled by the 90-minute presidential town hall debate that he has ordered his leadership to make a drastic change in how the organization conducts its worldwide Jihad campaign. “Starting today, we will conquer by lying, threatening, spreading vicious rumors and slinging unprecedented amounts of filth at our opponents. That should...

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton
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World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton

From The Onion to The Mideast Beast, hundreds of satire writers have resolved to kill themselves on November 8 should Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton defeat GOP nominee Donald Trump, a months-long TMB investigation can reveal. “With the shit that pours out of that orange buffoon’s mouth, my articles over the past year have practically written themselves,” said one writer...

Excluded from Trump’s “Spate of Hate,” Gays Cry Foul
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Excluded from Trump’s “Spate of Hate,” Gays Cry Foul

LOS ANGELES – Alleging that Donald Trump’s “selective bigotry” is damaging their standing among fellow oppressed groups, angry gay Americans are demanding that the Republican presidential candidate extend his deluge of insults to them. At a rally in West Hollywood, hundreds of irate gay white men protested their “immoral exclusion from Trump’s spate of hate.” Complained James, a 24-year-old personal trainer...

Experts Baffled as Trump Leads Saudi Election Polls
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Experts Baffled as Trump Leads Saudi Election Polls

A new series of polls has political analysts perplexed, as American businessman Donald Trump holds a commanding lead in the upcoming Saudi election race despite holding views at odds with the population on nearly every issue. “Though Trump has called for a ban on Muslims in the U.S., praised soldiers for dipping bullets in pig blood, promised to kill the...

Trump to Admit Obama Not Founder of ISIS by 2020
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Trump to Admit Obama Not Founder of ISIS by 2020

Saying that he has always been one to acknowledge when he is wrong, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is reportedly prepared to admit before the 2020 election that President Obama and Hillary Clinton did not, in fact, found ISIS. “After Mr. Trump claimed that President Obama was born in Kenya and that his birth certificate was a forgery, it was...

The Zohan Launches Presidential Run, Vows to “Make America Hummus-ier”
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The Zohan Launches Presidential Run, Vows to “Make America Hummus-ier”

NEW YORK – Declaring that “neither De Donald nor De Hillary has what it takes to spread de American Dream around,” counter terrorist-turned-hair and hummus tycoon Zohan Dvir announced a historic independent run for the White House today, potentially transforming the current two-way U.S. Presidential race. “De Hillary is like smearing stale peanut butter on your toast, and De Donald...