Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
Declaring that if he can bring a championship to Cleveland, he could certainly bring democracy to Syria, NBA star LeBron James has opted out of his contract with the Cavaliers and inked a five-year deal with moderate Syrian rebels battling both ISIS and the Assad regime. James announced his decision in an essay on Al Jazeera’s website. “I’m not going to...
After radical Islamists attacked a Radiohead listening party in Istanbul last Friday, the Western world has begun to awaken to the shocking fact that many Islamists still care about Radiohead. “Until Friday’s attack, I was under the impression that radical Islam could be controlled,” President Obama admitted in a press conference following Friday’s attack by Islamists in Turkey’s largest city....
The TSA’s strict prohibitions against bringing liquids and creams over 3.4 ounces onto U.S. flights has paid off, as a plot by al Qaeda agents to excessively brush their teeth in the airplane lavatory during domestic flights has been foiled. “In light of the statement in the TSA Guidelines that liquids, aerosols, gels, creams and pastes over 3.4 ounces will...
Residents throughout Qatar are demanding the resignation of a federal judge after a rape victim was given only a six-month prison sentence. “It’s unconscionable that while an innocent rapist will have to live with the traumas he caused himself for the rest of his life, his victim will be free in less than a year,” a petition, which demanded the...
Middle Eastern rulers from Egypt to Iran are reportedly willing to give democracy a second look after learning about the “Superdelegates” used to choose nominees in the U.S. presidential elections. “Whenever I heard someone talk about ‘voting’ or ‘democracy,’ I assumed it was just a bunch of normal people going into a booth and choosing who they want to be...
A series of angry tweets by Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has sent ISIS fighters running for the hills, as tweets promising to be “tough” against ISIS and to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism” have the terrorist group in a panic. “Sheikh Donald has promised toughness and vigilance and said that the infidels must be smart,” one terrified ISIS...
Looking to raise awareness and concern over the flood of rockets launched from the Gaza Strip for the past decade, Israel has decided to place gorillas throughout the communities and neighboring towns surrounding Gaza. “For years we’ve highlighted the deaths of innocent men, women, and children from these rockets, but people throughout Europe and on college campuses in the U.S....
The U.S. delivered a knockout blow in its decade-and-a-half “War on Terror”, killing Mahmoud al-Hassami, the last remaining terrorist in the world, in a drone strike in Yemen’s Abyan province. “While it’s been an arduous process, we knew all along that there were a finite number of terrorists out there and it was just a matter of time before we...
In a move that has alarmed U.S. officials and raised concerns over a potential nuclear breakout, the Islamic Republic Iran has begun importing large quantities of 1970s-era floppy disks. “There is only one possible use for these items, and that is to store information essential to controlling a nuclear arsenal,” U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said in a news...
In a ‘defense’ move that the Foreign Press Association blasted as collective punishment and a violation of press freedom, the Israeli government, now under the direction of its new Defense Minister, the hardline and slightly chubby Avigdor Lieberman, finally ordered the demolition of several CNN offices Wednesday after the network provided “inaccurate and biased coverage” of a November 2014 terror attack in...
With 2016 marking the 100-year anniversary of the Sykes-Picot Agreement, which created the borders that make up much of the modern Middle East, the French and British governments announced that they have once again proven their mapmaking abilities by re-divvying the North American continent. “In 1916, we and our French allies joined forces to create modern borders in the Middle...
Following a recent low profile trip to Israel, and following in the footsteps of other celebrities, sources close to rapper Marshall Mathers, better known by his stage name “Eminem,” say he may be planning to convert to Judaism. “I really thought I was being original with the whole white anger thing, and constantly complaining about my mother and then feeling guilty...
Citing Florida neighborhood watch coordinator George Zimmerman as his inspiration, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has decided to auction off the shells used to gas to death thousands of Syrian civilians. On websites advertising the shells, Assad described the artillery as “a piece of Syrian history.” “I am honored and humbled to announce the sale of a Syrian military icon,” Assad’s...
Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei told reporters he was pleasantly surprised by recent political developments in the United States, noting that Americans had seemingly gotten over their fear of allowing an irrational, unhinged, and bigoted madman to possess nuclear weapons. “I had been under the impression that Americans, and especially Republicans, were dead-set against letting a mentally disturbed fanatic with...
German Chancellor Angela Merkel has issued a warrant for the arrest of Turkish Prime Minister Ahmet Davutoglu after the prime minister’s reported falling out with Turkey’s president, Recep Tayyip Erdogan. “No one – I repeat, no one – will insult, demean, or disagree with President Erdogan while I’m still around,” said Merkel, who last month launched a criminal investigation into...
Claiming that his group’s goal of destroying America had clearly been achieved, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi declared “Mission Accomplished” following former Alaska governor Sarah Palin’s OMFG endorsement of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. “There were many who laughed at me when I declared the restoration of the Islamic caliphate and promised that it would bring about the downfall of the American infidels,” Baghdadi...
In an effort to improve his standing among Muslim voters, Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump posted a picture on Facebook Friday of himself eating falafel while giving a thumbs up to the camera. “Having the best jihad balls from the Trump Tower kitchen,” Trump wrote in the Facebook post, referring to the falafel. “I love Muslims and their strange terrorist...
While the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) is now “facing cash and manpower shortages,” ISIS is also having to deal with another unexpected problem, one similar to Ted Cruz just a few months ago. The organization has had to pull its latest execution video from social media after one of the executioners in the video was discovered to have previously worked as a soft-core...
For the second year in a row, ISIS leader Abu-Bakr Baghdadi took aim, figuratively, at his rivals, his allies, and the media in the second annual Caliphate Correspondents Dinner, putting aside jihad for a night of jokes. “This is the one time a year I try not to bomb,” Baghdadi quipped, earning laughs from foreign leaders and media members in...
Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump surprised foreign policy experts this week, delivering a speech in which he not only refrained from promising to nuke any of America’s allies but correctly pronounced the names of several Middle Eastern nations, including Syria. “I had expected him to nail Libya and Egypt, since those are pretty easy to pronounce,” former Middle East negotiator...
