Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Lone Vote Against Jeter for Hall of Fame

Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Lone Vote Against Jeter for Hall of Fame

In an attack that the terror group hopes will put it back on Americans’ radar, al Qaeda has claimed credit for the one vote against inducting former Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter into the Hall of Fame. Jeter received 424 out of 425 possible votes on Tuesday, leaving the sports world furious at the sole holdout, whose identity has not been revealed. But in a chilling tweet issued a day later, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri said he was the one...

Obese ISIS Leader ‘Jabba the Jihadi’ Loses 300 Pounds, Hired as Subway Spokesman

Obese ISIS Leader ‘Jabba the Jihadi’ Loses 300 Pounds, Hired as Subway Spokesman

Recently captured Islamic State mufti Abu Abdul Bari (dubbed ‘Jabba the Jihadi’), who weighed in at more than 560 pounds (254 kilograms) at the time of his arrest, has dropped nearly 300 pounds after switching his diet to three six-inch Subway sandwiches each day. Subway has brought on Bari to lead a new ad campaign, making the jihadi leader its spokesman. “Subway’s sandwiches are jihadelicious – but they won’t blow up your waistline!” Bari says in recently aired commercial while...

Warren Claims Bernie Gave Her Smallpox Blanket

Warren Claims Bernie Gave Her Smallpox Blanket

As the feud between the two democratic presidential candidates escalates, Senator Elizabeth Warren now claims that Senator Bernie Sanders offered her a smallpox-infected blanket in an effort to push her out of the race. Warren’s allegation comes a day after she told reporters that Sanders privately told her that a woman could not win the presidency, a charge Sanders denies. Reached by The Mideast Beast, Warren said that Sanders also told her that Americans would never accept a Cherokee as...

International Criminal Court Hopes World War III Doesn’t Take Attention from Israel

International Criminal Court Hopes World War III Doesn’t Take Attention from Israel

The International Criminal Court (ICC) is urging Iran and the US to de-escalate their conflict, warning that the impending war is distracting from its long overdue plan to prosecute Israel. The ICC announced last month that it would investigate Israel for alleged war crimes in Gaza and the West Bank, saying that that nothing else noteworthy was going on in the world. But President Donald Trump’s decision to target Iranian General Qasem Soleimani has left little room in the headlines...

Iran Accepts Rose McGowan as Refugee

Iran Accepts Rose McGowan as Refugee

Calling it a sign of mercy towards the American people, the Iranian government has accepted Rose McGowan’s asylum claim following the actress’ tweet begging the ayatollahs’ forgiveness following recent US airstrikes. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the country’s Supreme Leader, launched a daring mission to rescue McGowan after she tweeted, “We are being held hostage by a terrorist regime. We do not know how to escape. Please do not kill us.” Khamenei told The Mideast Beast that Iranian fighter planes were already...

Trump Threatens to Target Persian Square in Los Angeles

Trump Threatens to Target Persian Square in Los Angeles

President Donald Trump said he has added domestic Iranian cultural sites, including Los Angeles’s “Little Persia,” to its list of potential targets in the event of an Iranian attack. “This is a WARNING! If Iran strikes America, we will bomb anything Iranian that we can find!” Trump tweeted Sunday morning. “We will start by wiping out Persian Square in LA, and if that doesn’t stop the ayatollahs we will begin rounding up Persian cats!” Little Persia, also known as Tehrangeles,...

Dems Support Airstrike After Soleimani’s Old Tweets Emerge

Dems Support Airstrike After Soleimani’s Old Tweets Emerge

Democrats initially opposed to President Trump’s decision to take out Iran’s Quds Force Commander Qasem Soleimani have reversed course after decade-old offensive tweets by the general emerged. Leading Democrats now call the strike long overdue after the tweets – described as sexist, homophobic, and Islamophobic – were discovered by a blogger for the Huffington Post. “Just watched 45 minutes of the new Ghostbusters movie – boring!” one tweet declared. “Sorry broads, but Tina Fey is no Dan Aykroyd.” “Is it...

Khamenei Misses the Days When Biggest Threat Was Iranian People

Khamenei Misses the Days When Biggest Threat Was Iranian People

Pondering how to respond to American air strikes that took out his top general, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei admitted that he longed for the days when the greatest threat to his power was the Iranian populace looking for basic human rights. “You know who never kills your top military officials in a drone strike on foreign soil? Unarmed protestors,” Khamenei said wistfully. “You can kill them by the thousands – and trust me, I have – and the worst...

‘We Could Have Just Paid You Back for the Broken Glass,’ Khamenei Says

‘We Could Have Just Paid You Back for the Broken Glass,’ Khamenei Says

After his top commander was killed by a US airstrike, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has accused Americans of being “really anal about your embassies all of a sudden.” “I mean, jeez, talk about an overreaction,” Khamenei said in his first official statement after the death of Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis — the deputy head of the Iran-backed Iraqi Popular Mobilization Forces. “All our militias did was break a few windows. We could have just...

New York Enacts Strict ‘Eight-Strikes’ Law to Stop Attacks on Jews

New York Enacts Strict ‘Eight-Strikes’ Law to Stop Attacks on Jews

Promising to finally get tough on attacks against Jews, New York has instituted a stringent ‘eight strikes’ law promising legal consequences to anyone who commits more than seven felony assaults against random Jewish citizens. The law was spurred by outrage after Brooklyn resident Tiffany Harris was arrested twice within a week for attacks against Jews, in one instance screaming “fuck you Jews” while slapping a group of Orthodox women in Crown Heights, and immediately released each time. She was finally...

House Passes Resolution Condemning All Unprovoked Attacks in Brooklyn

House Passes Resolution Condemning All Unprovoked Attacks in Brooklyn

After a week in which at least eight Jews were attacked by strangers on the streets of Brooklyn, House Democrats have passed a resolution condemning all random attacks against minorities in New York. “We oppose attacks on the streets of Brooklyn by Islamophobes, white supremacists, transphobes, homophobes, gingerphobes, and all other bigots,” the resolution stated. “We will not tolerate hate against any oppressed group and will fight to ensure Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, African Americans, Latinx Americans, women, short people, freakishly...

‘Jewish Voice for Peace’ Menorah Just Christmas Tree on Fire

‘Jewish Voice for Peace’ Menorah Just Christmas Tree on Fire

Looking to tout its Jewish credentials, anti-Israel advocacy group Jewish Voice for Peace left followers confused as it posted a picture of a Christmas tree in flames with the caption “our Hanukkah menorah!” “Happy to celebrate this holiday with our fellow Jewish Jews and with our wonderful new menorah,” stated the caption of the picture that looked nothing like a menorah or anything remotely Hanukkah related. “Just as our candles burn, we hope 2020 will see Israel, its people and...

Corbyn Relieved He Doesn’t Have to Attend Some Stupid Menorah Lighting

Corbyn Relieved He Doesn’t Have to Attend Some Stupid Menorah Lighting

Calling it a silver lining to his recent election loss, UK Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn admitted he is greatly relieved he does not have to attend any menorah lightings or “do any other stupid Jewy stuff” to mark the start of Hanukkah. “If I was prime minister right now, I’d probably be surrounded by a bunch of hairy rabbis bragging about how they killed some Greeks 2,500 years ago,” Corbyn told The Mideast Beast. “I’d have to give some speech...

World Leaders Dismayed to Find Trump Still President

World Leaders Dismayed to Find Trump Still President

Hours after Donald Trump became only the third US president to be impeached, world leaders from across the globe were stunned and despondent to learn that Trump is still president. “I called the White House and asked for the president, and as soon as he answered I said, ‘Mike, congrats on the promotion! So glad you’re in charge now instead of commander lard-ass,” French President Emmanuel Macron told The Mideast Beast. “Imagine my horror when I hear that jackass’s voice...

Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide

Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide

Refusing to sign a bipartisan resolution condemning the 100-year-old genocide, US President Donald Trump insisted Tuesday that there were “good people on both sides” of the Armenian genocide. “Listen, there were some very good Ottomans and there were some very bad Ottomans, believe me,” Trump said during a press conference called to discuss infrastructure legislation. “Not all the Ottomans who went there to kill the Armenians were interested in genocide. Some were just upset about what happened to Australian Archduke...

Newsweek Embarrassed to Learn Only Iranian Journalists Beheaded for Negative Coverage

Newsweek Embarrassed to Learn Only Iranian Journalists Beheaded for Negative Coverage

A week after publishing a cover story claiming Iran’s downfall would lead to a resurgence by ISIS, editors at Newsweek magazine admitted they published the story believing that the Iranian regime had strict control of the media globally rather than simply in Iran. “I got this assignment to write about the political situation in Iran, but when I started Googling ‘Iran’ every article I could find talked about how Iran routinely tortures and murders journalists, and how the Ayatollahs won’t...

British Jews Still Plan to Flee UK For Better Weather

British Jews Still Plan to Flee UK For Better Weather

Acknowledging that they no longer felt unsafe after Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn’s electoral beatdown, 77% of Jews said they are nonetheless planning to leave the UK because they share their neighbors’ view of the dreadful weather. “I’ve been saying for years that I’m going to leave the UK if that Jew-hater is elected,” one Jewish Londoner told The Mideast Beast. “But really that was just more of an excuse. I’ve just had it with the rain, the fog, and living...

Warren Blasts North Korea for Promising ‘Christmas Gift’ Instead of Holiday Gift

Warren Blasts North Korea for Promising ‘Christmas Gift’ Instead of Holiday Gift

Calling the North Korean strongman “problematic,” Democratic Senator and presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren came out swinging after Kim Jong Un promised the US a “Christmas gift,” likely in the form of a satellite launch or weapons test. “Does Mr. Kim have any idea how hurtful this language is to American men, women, and non-binary individuals who do not celebrate Christmas?” Warren said while appearing on Meet the Press Sunday morning. “If the Supreme Leader refuses to use inclusive language in...

Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians

Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians

Responding to a US Senate bill condemning the Armenian genocide, Turkey’s parliament has passed a unanimous resolution condemning the Kardashian family for crimes against humanity. “The real Armenian Genocide is the one that these sisters are committing against world culture and common decency,” the resolution stated. “We can no longer ignore the suffering of countless victims, who have lost countless hours of their lives watching those stupid shows.” The bill called for a moment of silence for all Turkish youths...

Hamas, Hezbollah Unfriend Corbyn on Facebook

Hamas, Hezbollah Unfriend Corbyn on Facebook

Fearing that their association with the British Labour leader will hurt their popularity in the UK, terrorists from Islamist militant groups including Hamas and Hezbollah have unfriended Jeremy Corbyn on Facebook. Despite his loyal support for the terror group, senior members of Hamas told The Mideast Beast that they have begun ignoring Corbyn’s calls after exit polls showed him leading his party to its worst outcome since 1935. “We have appreciated his friendship, but how can we ever expect support...