Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Democrats Urge Trump to Nominate ISIS Leader Instead of Kavanaugh

Democrats Urge Trump to Nominate ISIS Leader Instead of Kavanaugh

Noting that nobody could be more radical than Trump’s pick for the seat, Senate Democrats are urging the US president to replace Brett Cavanaugh with ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “I demand that President Trump withdraw his pick immediately and appoint a moderate, like [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad or al-Baghdadi,” Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters said after Trump’s pick was announced. “Now, I admit that I haven’t Googled Cabernet, or whatever his [Kavanaugh’s] name is, yet, but since Trump picked him...

In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’

In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again claimed victory at the polls, this time declaring himself winner of the 2018 American Idol competition. “I am humbled and gratified that the voters of this competition have chosen to reward me for my talents,” Erdogan said at a rally in Ankara, the Turkish capital. “This is a win for Turkey and a blow to its terrorist and Zionist enemies.” His announcement came two weeks after the Turkish leader claimed victory for...

British Protests, Violence Mark 242 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

British Protests, Violence Mark 242 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans celebrate the 242nd anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed “Occupied...

Khamenei Turns Down SCOTUS Seat: ‘I Don’t Want That Much Power’

Khamenei Turns Down SCOTUS Seat: ‘I Don’t Want That Much Power’

Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has turned down Donald Trump’s offer for a soon-to-be-vacant seat on the US Supreme Court, calling the position “too much power for one man.” “I may be a dictator, but at least I’m checked by the threat of Western intervention or a military coup,” Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “If I took Kennedy’s seat, I’d be serving for life as the swing vote between two extremes in a radically divided country.” He added, “I might even...

Following ‘Death to Palestine’ Chants, Iran Arms Jewish Terror Groups

Following ‘Death to Palestine’ Chants, Iran Arms Jewish Terror Groups

With protestors in Iran filmed chanting “Death to Palestine,” the Islamic Republic has begun funneling money to Lehava, the Jewish Defense League and other radical right-wing Israeli groups. The move represents a dramatic reversal for the country’s ruling Ayatollahs, who for decades have funded Palestinian terror groups like Hamas and Hezbollah while leading chants of “Death to America” and “Death to Israel.” But with the Iranian street now backing the Jewish state, Iran’s Supreme Leader has reversed course. Now, billions...

Trump Starves to Death After Restaurants Deny Him Service

Trump Starves to Death After Restaurants Deny Him Service

Democrats retook control of all three branches of the US government over the weekend, as nearly all Republican leaders including President Trump were denied service at a number of local restaurants, and starved. The effort was spurred by the owner of a Virginia Red Hen restaurant, who turned away Trump’s press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Once enough progressive restaurant owners joined the movement, it became impossible for anyone in Trump’s cabinet to find a restaurant to serve them, resulting ultimately...

Southern Poverty Law Center Lists SPLC as ‘Anti-Muslim Hate Group’

Southern Poverty Law Center Lists SPLC as ‘Anti-Muslim Hate Group’

Blasting the group as a “bunch of Islamophobic bigots,” the Southern Poverty Law Center has officially classified itself as an anti-Muslim extremist group. “The Southern Poverty Law Center targets Muslims like Maajid Nawaz – who are most certainly not anti-Muslim extremists– simply for their faith,” SPLC President Richard Cohen said in a recorded statement on Monday. “These folks are using their white privilege to attack innocent Muslims.” Earlier in the day, SPLC apologized for listing Nawaz in a directory of anti-Muslim...

Iran Bans Chick-Fil-A Over Treatment of Gays

Iran Bans Chick-Fil-A Over Treatment of Gays

In a move celebrated as a first step towards ending the execution of homosexuals, the Islamic Republic of Iran has shuttered all Chick-Fil-A location’s over the fast food chain’s opposition to same-sex marriage. “While we feel that homosexuality is a crime against Allah, and the only acceptable penalty is death, we also reject the homophobia of Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “Every Chick-Fil-A in the country will be burnt, and anyone suspected of eating...

Sara Netanyahu Leaving Bibi for Scott Pruitt

Sara Netanyahu Leaving Bibi for Scott Pruitt

Declaring that she has finally found somebody who shares her love of exploiting government resources for personal use, Israeli First Lady Sara Netanyahu announced that she is leaving her husband for EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt. “I thought I was living my best life with Benny – charging taxpayers for home renovations, installing luxury hotel rooms on private airplanes, and even using public servants to fetch bottle deposits,” Sara told The Mideast Beast. “I never knew there could be anything more....

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Saying that the first-century preacher and possible messiah has been treated “very unfairly,” US President Donald Trump acknowledged that he is considering a pardon for Jesus Christ. “These Byzantines (sic) were really bad hombres, and they really treated this Jesus Christ guy very unfairly,” Trump said in a Tweet. “A lot of people don’t know this, but he was crucified by Puny Pontius Pilate. Sad!” Trump added that Christ is finally beginning to get recognition. The president was informed of...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv during today’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly straight in the city is a near death sentence, as heterosexuals are thrown from rooftops, stoned to death or forced to watch season two of...

In Meeting with Kim Jong Un, Assad Expected to Focus on Human Rights

In Meeting with Kim Jong Un, Assad Expected to Focus on Human Rights

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is expected to push North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un on the latter’s human rights record when the two leaders meet later this month. Sources close to Assad said say the Syrian ruler hopes to establish closer ties between the countries, but would not turn a blind eye to the suffering of North Korea’s people. “Any true partnership between our nations will include a mutual respect for human rights and international norms,” one Syrian diplomat...

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on Ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protestors earlier this month, Hamas must be excused for shooting rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from the UN Human Rights Council declared. “It was Memorial Day Weekend and they were Ambien firing.” The council...

Trump Visits Holocaust Memorial, Says Victims ‘Would Have Hated Crooked Hillary’

Trump Visits Holocaust Memorial, Says Victims ‘Would Have Hated Crooked Hillary’

Speaking at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum, President Trump declared Tuesday that victims of the genocide “would be very happy and proud at how well our country is doing.” “Anne Frank, you like her, right? Let me tell you, she would be so happy that I finally got the NFL to make those bums stand for our national anthem. Nice!” Trump declared, as other attendees looked on in stunned silence. “And you think she would have voted for Crooked Hillary?...

Trayon White Calls for Negotiations with the Jews to End Baltimore Flooding

Trayon White Calls for Negotiations with the Jews to End Baltimore Flooding

With the Baltimore area devastated by heavy flooding, DC Councilman Trayon White has called for negotiations with the Jews who control the weather. “It is time for us to put aside our hostility for the Rothschildren (sic) and other Jewish bankers and ask them what we must do to get this rain to end,” White, who made headlines for saying that the Jewish family controls the climate, explained. “The Jews gave us this weather, and only the Jews can take...

Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag

Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag

In a negotiating blunder, US President Donald Trump has agreed to lift all economic sanctions on the North Korean regime and withdraw American troops from the peninsula in exchange for a lifetime supply of North Korean t-shirts, hats and paraphernalia. Reeling from sanctions and fearing a military strike, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un entered the meeting prepared to dismantle his nuclear program, release all political prisoners and allow for democratic elections. Seated across from Trump, Kim began, “In exchange for...

Hamas Officially Changes Name to ‘Unarmed Protestors’

Hamas Officially Changes Name to ‘Unarmed Protestors’

The Palestinian Islamic Resistance Movement, previously known as Hamas, has agreed to change its name to “Unarmed Protestors,” saving scores of newspaper editors and humans rights organizations from being forced to issue corrections. The name change comes after Hamas admitted that most Palestinians killed last week on the Gaza border were members of the militant group, contradicting claims in publications like the Washington Post as well as from politicians including Bernie Sanders. Media and other organizations that had criticized Israel for...

‘And I’m Still Pissed About that Shoe,’ Japanese PM Tells Israel

‘And I’m Still Pissed About that Shoe,’ Japanese PM Tells Israel

With the international community up in arms over the death count in Gaza, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has issued a statement reminding Israel that he has not forgiven its leader for serving dessert in a shoe during a state dinner. “It is distasteful in our culture to wear shoes in the house, and to place one on the dinner table is simply appalling,” Abe said during a UN debate over Israel’s use of force against Palestinians trying to breach...

Palestinians Call Off Protests After Hearing Pastor Jeffress’s Views

Palestinians Call Off Protests After Hearing Pastor Jeffress’s Views

Hamas leaders in Gaza have called off protests against the opening of the US Embassy in Jerusalem after discovering that Pastor Robert Jeffress, who delivered the opening prayer, held similar beliefs to the terror group. “This guy has said that Jews are going to hell, that Hitler was sent by God, and that the Holy Land should never be divided,” Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh told The Mideast Beast. “I can’t believe that we were ever fighting.” After reading about Jeffress’s...

US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot

US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot

The American Left has lost its pre-eminent thinker, as The Atlantic national correspondent Ta-Nehisi Coates has been discovered to be a Russian bot programmed to write 10,000-word essays tying the day’s lead news item to slavery and segregation. “It was quite simple, really,” Alexei Sokolov, a 26-year-old programmer from Novosibirsk, told The Mideast Beast. “We just programmed 15,000 pages of Howard Zinn books into the bot, and trained it to plug in the day’s top trending topic using the linguistic...