Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Sanders Blasts .1% of Americans for Hogging 100% of Coronavirus

Sanders Blasts .1% of Americans for Hogging 100% of Coronavirus

In a scathing attack on Americans battling COVID-19, Senator Bernie Sanders accused the 60,000 Americans diagnosed with the novel coronavirus of rigging the system to prevent all Americans from experiencing the disease. “We keep hearing about how America is leading the world in new coronavirus cases, and how there have never been more Americans with a fever and dry cough, but for most citizens it does not feel that way,” Sanders said at a recent rally. “It is not fair...

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the invasion aimed at bringing democracy to the Omani people and ending the dictatorship of Sultan Haitham bin Tariq, who took office in January. “For too...

Assad Now Embarrassed he Met with Tulsi Gabbard

Assad Now Embarrassed he Met with Tulsi Gabbard

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has apologized for his 2017 meeting with Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, saying that he had been under the impression that she was a relevant political figure in the US. Assad’s statement came after Gabbard dropped out of the presidential race after receiving just 0.5% of the vote in Tuesday’s primary contests. “I never would have met with her if I knew how absolutely irrelevant she was,” Assad told supporters. “Christ, even I let my opponents get a...

‘I Was Jumped by Coronavirus,’ Jussie Smollett Says

‘I Was Jumped by Coronavirus,’ Jussie Smollett Says

Former ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett was attacked early Monday morning by a violent Coronavirus gang, the actor told Chicago police. Smollett was walking home from a nearby Subway restaurant when a group of Coronavirus germs approached him, according to his own account to police. Yelling, “This is Wuhan country!” the germs proceeded to cough in his face and wrap a noose around his neck. Smollett managed to fight them off without dropping his Subway sandwich, which he then ate. “Everyone...

ISIS Urges Suicide Bombers to Avoid Large Crowds

ISIS Urges Suicide Bombers to Avoid Large Crowds

In an effort to prevent the spread of coronavirus, the Islamic State is advising its suicide bombers to avoid large crowds and densely packed areas while carrying out their operations. “As we look to mitigate the harm caused by COVID-19, we are adjusting our operations to protect our mujahideen against the threat of the virus,” ISIS leader Amir Mohammed al-Salbi said in a memo to employees. “Suicide bombers and other prospective martyrs should avoid crowded locations and be sure to...

Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’

Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’

Aiming to strike fear in the heart of every American, al Qaeda has launched Operation Cough in Public, with sleeper cells activating across the US to cough loudly in crowded venues. Al Qaeda agents will go to sporting events, concerts, and busy shopping malls and cough repeatedly without covering their mouths, according to internal documents seen by The Mideast Beast. The terror group hopes to create a stampede of Americans fleeing the venues, leading to mass casualties. “Until the infidels,...

Palestinians Give New Yorkers Tips on Living Under Occupation

Palestinians Give New Yorkers Tips on Living Under Occupation

With the National Guard called into New York’s suburbs in response to a Coronavirus outbreak, New Yorkers are reaching out to Palestinians for tips on living under military occupation. “Until this week, I never knew what it was like to have my movement restricted, or to see tanks in the street,” said one resident of New Rochelle, New York, where the National Guard established a one-mile containment zone. “Luckily, my buddies in the West Bank and Gaza have been very...

BDS Movement to Boycott Coronavirus for Attending AIPAC

BDS Movement to Boycott Coronavirus for Attending AIPAC

Leaders of the anti-Israel Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement (BDS) are now calling for a boycott of the Coronavirus after it was reported that the virus was present at the recent conference for the pro-Israel lobby AIPAC in Washington DC. “We have repeatedly called on supporters of the Palestinian people to skip the racist, Islamophobic, apartheid AIPAC conference, and we are disappointed to learn that the Coronavirus was nonetheless present,” BDS supporter and Bernie Sanders campaign surrogate Linda Sarsour said...

Taliban Blasts ‘Sexist’ US for Not Supporting Warren’s Presidential Bid

Taliban Blasts ‘Sexist’ US for Not Supporting Warren’s Presidential Bid

The Taliban has called off its peace deal with the US, saying that it could not normalize relations with such a sexist nation following Senator Elizabeth Warren’s exit from the presidential race. “Warren’s failure to gain traction exposed Americans’ deep-seated misogyny”, deputy Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar said. He also noted, “countries across the world, from Australia to the UK to Pakistan, have elected female leaders, but the United States keeps rejecting qualified women like Liz Warren in favor...

MC Hammer to Lead Sanders’ Economic Team

MC Hammer to Lead Sanders’ Economic Team

Responding to criticism that his spending plan would result in a $25 trillion shortfall, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced he has appointed rapper and noted fiscal authority MC Hammer to serve as lead economic advisor. “It’s not a radical idea to say that every American deserves free healthcare, free education, and a summer camp,” Sanders said during a press conference. “But those racist, sexist billionaires at the Congressional Budget Office claim that my plan would bankrupt the country by my...

Sanders Vows to Pardon Harvey Weinstein After He Launches Literacy Program

Sanders Vows to Pardon Harvey Weinstein After He Launches Literacy Program

Senator Bernie Sanders is calling for a pardon for Hollywood sex offender Harvey Weinstein after the disgraced producer promised to launch a literacy program for Los Angeles residents. The move came after Weinstein, whose abuse helped launch the #metoo movement, was found guilty on charges of third-degree rape and criminal sex act. But Sanders, who is now the frontrunner for the Democratic presidential nomination, said his commitment to improving literacy outweighed the accusations by more than 80 women of sexual...

ISIS Can’t Understand Why Sanders Hasn’t Praised It Yet

ISIS Can’t Understand Why Sanders Hasn’t Praised It Yet

Pointing to the Vermont senator’s support for dictatorships in Cuba, Nicaragua, and the Soviet Union, leaders of the Islamic State are bewildered that Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has not yet said anything good about its caliphate. “He lavished praise on Fidel Castro, Daniel Ortega, heck, even Stalin. What do these brutal dictators have that we don’t?” ISIS leader Amir Mohammad al-Salbi pleaded. “He said that Castro’s authoritarianism was okay because he had a literacy program and provided everyone free...

‘Years as Hamas Prisoner Prepared Me for Marriage,’ Gilad Shalit Says

‘Years as Hamas Prisoner Prepared Me for Marriage,’ Gilad Shalit Says

In an exclusive interview, the most famous former Hamas captive Gilad Shalit said the five years he spent as a prisoner has prepared him for his upcoming marriage. “A lot of men head into marriage not knowing what it’s like to lose all your freedoms, to have to beg for food, to be lucky if you’re allowed to use the bathroom,” Shalit, who recently announced his engagement to girlfriend Nitzan Shabbat, told The Mideast Beast. “For me, none of this...

Bloomberg Loses Youth Vote After He Forgets to Buy Ads on The Mideast Beast

Bloomberg Loses Youth Vote After He Forgets to Buy Ads on The Mideast Beast

Former mayor and Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has seen his support among young voters plummet despite millions in new media advertising after the billionaire neglected to promote a single post on The Mideast Beast, a popular political satire news site. The Bloomberg campaign made headlines by sponsoring content on several popular social media accounts in an effort to reach millennial voters. Experts say the strategy would have worked, virtually assuring him the presidency, had he not overlooked the most...

AOC Praises Middle Eastern Leader Yasser Ben-Gurion

AOC Praises Middle Eastern Leader Yasser Ben-Gurion

Looking to tout her expertise on Middle Eastern political expertise, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez cited “famed leader Yasser Ben-Gurion” in an Instagram post. “I was just reading about how famed leader Yasser Ben-Gurion predicted decades ago that President Trump would ruin things between the Israelis and Palestinians,” Ocasio-Cortez wrote on Instagram, confusing David Ben-Gurion, Israel’s first prime minister, and Palestinian Liberation Organization founder Yasser Arafat. “I don’t remember what he said, but I think it was something about falafel.”...

ISIS Offshoot Wins Popularity After Describing Attacks as ‘Democratic Terrorism’

ISIS Offshoot Wins Popularity After Describing Attacks as ‘Democratic Terrorism’

An offshoot of the Islamic militant group ISIS has seen its popularity surge among US millennials after explaining its acts of violence are in fact “democratic terrorism.” “This is nothing like the real terrorism that al Qaeda or Hezbollah carry out,” Mohammed al-Sandersi, the head of Democratic ISIS, or DISIS, told The Mideast Beast. “It is going to be good terrorism, like in Norway or Sweden.” Despite the country’s historic aversion to radical jihad, DISIS has quickly gained adherents at...

Syria to Send Election Monitors to New Hampshire

Syria to Send Election Monitors to New Hampshire

Citing confusion and irregularities during Monday’s Democratic caucuses in Iowa, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced his country will send election monitors to oversee the upcoming primary in New Hampshire. “The citizens of the state, the country, and the world need to know whether the results of the New Hampshire election truly reflects the will of the people,” Assad said during a press conference. “It is imperative for the global community to ensure that the American people – and not party...

Bloomberg Asks TruNews How Whole ‘Jew Coup’ Thing Works

Bloomberg Asks TruNews How Whole ‘Jew Coup’ Thing Works

Former New York City Mayor and Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg lashed out at far-right news site TruNews for warning of a potential “Jew coup,” calling it a baseless conspiracy theory and adding, “besides, if it was a real thing, how exactly would it work?” “As a Jewish American, I am shocked and offended that President Trump would credential an organization that promotes such offensive anti-Semitic tropes,” Bloomberg said. “There is no such thing as a ‘Jew coup,’ but if...

Tlaib Disappointed to Learn Lizzo Not Saying ‘Blame it on the Jews’

Tlaib Disappointed to Learn Lizzo Not Saying ‘Blame it on the Jews’

Democratic Rep. Rashida Tlaib has demanded that the iTunes store refund her purchase of Lizzo’s new hit single “Juice” after the congresswoman discovered the singer is not saying “Blame it on the Jews.” Tlaib said she heard the popular song on the radio and rushed to purchase the single due to what she believed was its powerful message. “I thought that I had stumbled upon more than a catchy tune. This was my entire political platform set to music,” Tlaib...

Warren Vows to Get a Disabled Transgender Illegal Immigrant’s Approval Before Any Military Action

Warren Vows to Get a Disabled Transgender Illegal Immigrant’s Approval Before Any Military Action

In a bid to appeal to her party’s most progressive voters, Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren has promised to seek the approval of a disabled transgender Muslim illegal immigrant before authorizing any military action in the Middle East. Her statement came a day after she said she would only appoint a Secretary of Education that was approved by a young transgender person at a campaign stop in Iowa. She was later asked about her Middle East policy. “How are you...