Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Calling it a perfect solution to longstanding tension over the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, President Trump has proposed a plan to raze the entire site and replace it with the ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel and Mosque.’ Trump unveiled his plans just one day after meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Washington. After considering how to accommodate Jewish access to the site of the First and Second Temples and Muslim access to the Al Aqsa Mosque, Trump said he...

ISIS Members Shave Beards After Seeing How Stupid Assange Looks

ISIS Members Shave Beards After Seeing How Stupid Assange Looks

In a dramatic reversal, the Islamic State has banned long, unkempt beards after ISIS leaders saw just how stupid an unshaven Julian Assange looked during his arrest. Fighters will now be required to be clean-shaven or at most keep short, neatly-trimmed facial hair. Officially, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi cited a recently-discovered hadith, or saying of Prophet Muhammad, in announcing the change. But senior ISIS leaders, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told The Mideast Beast that the decision was...

Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’

Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’

Claiming that existing language did not go far enough to protect victims of racism and Islamophobia, House Democrats have passed a bill redefining the term “hate crime” to include “any criticism of, or disagreement with, Representative Ilhan Omar.” The bill comes after Omar’s description of the September 11 attacks as “some people did something” sparked outrage and led to criticism that she showed a lack of sensitivity towards victims of the attacks. Her defenders, however, said these criticisms led to...

Sanders Announces ‘Operation Write a Bestseller’ Plan to End Global Poverty

Sanders Announces ‘Operation Write a Bestseller’ Plan to End Global Poverty

Explaining that anyone who writes a bestselling book can be a millionaire, Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has announced a plan to end world poverty by ensuring all earth’s citizens have the chance to write a bestseller. “Frankly, capitalism has failed because the millionaires and billionaires won’t let everyone write a bestseller,” Sanders explained. “When I am president, we will allow everybody to write a bestselling book and become a millionaire, just like me.” Sanders’ plan would airdrop nearly two...

Arab Leaders Willing to Try Democracy After Netanyahu Wins Fifth Term

Arab Leaders Willing to Try Democracy After Netanyahu Wins Fifth Term

Saying that the institution “may not be as bad as people claim,” Arab leaders from across the Middle East say they are now open to giving democracy a shot after seeing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu win a fifth term in office. “I always thought democracy meant periodically changing who was in power,” explained Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. “But if democracy is just the president having a big ceremony every four or so years where everyone reminds him that he’s...

Netanyahu Promises to Annex West Village if Re-Elected

Netanyahu Promises to Annex West Village if Re-Elected

Days after vowing to annex Jewish settlements in the West Bank during his next term, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today took it a step further with a promise to also declare sovereignty over Lower Manhattan’s West Village. “No one can stop the Jewish people or the Jewish nation state from building homes in the West Village or anywhere else in New York City,” Netanyahu said at a campaign rally. “From Hebrew Union College to Ben’s Deli, the West Village...

Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer

Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer

In a move aimed at dealing a death blow to what remains of the Islamic State, US President Donald Trump has launched a wind turbine-building campaign across Iraq and Syria with the aim of giving the group’s remaining fighters cancer. “Listen, we’ve totally defeated ISIS, believe me, but now we have to make sure all their fighters are dead so they can never come back,” Trump said in an address from the Oval Office. “The quickest way to kill someone...

Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval

Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval

JERUSALEM — In his latest response to the UN Security Council’s resolution condemning his county’s settlement activity, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has broken off all diplomatic relations with the city of Tel Aviv. “No one will tell us where Jews can or cannot build homes – not the UN, and certainly not those smug, open-minded Tel Aviv liberals,” Netanyahu said in a statement announcing his latest move. “If these Israelis consider themselves real Jews, they should move to Amona...

Islamic State Leader Surprised Barr Memo Didn’t Mention Trump Joining ISIS

Islamic State Leader Surprised Barr Memo Didn’t Mention Trump Joining ISIS

Saying that he “thought it would have been kind of a big deal,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said he was a bit surprised to find US President Donald Trump’s pledge of allegiance to the Islamic State did not come up in Attorney General William Barr’s summary of the Mueller report. “I am no expert on American politics, but I thought the fact that President Trump formally swore to defend the Caliphate until his dying breath would have at least...

Erdogan Calls Turkish Public ‘Zionist Agents’ After Party’s Election Loss

Erdogan Calls Turkish Public ‘Zionist Agents’ After Party’s Election Loss

After seeing his AKP party beaten in local elections in Ankara and Istanbul, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan declared that his country’s electorate is in fact made up entirely of Zionist agents and Nazi remnants. “It is now more important than ever that we stand up to the enemies of Turkey, which it now turns out includes the Turkish people themselves,” Erdogan said after election results came in. “I guess all Turks are just Zionists or PKK after all.” While the...

Ilhan Omar Pissed She Didn’t Think of Blaming Mossad for Christchurch Shooting

Ilhan Omar Pissed She Didn’t Think of Blaming Mossad for Christchurch Shooting

With the leader of New Zealand’s biggest mosque blaming the Mossad, Israel’s intelligence agency, for attacks against Muslim worshippers that left 50 dead earlier this month, US Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is reportedly furious at herself for not coming up with it earlier. “I take a lot of pride in making sure that I tap each and every opportunity to advance anti-Semitic stereotypes,” Omar told The Mideast Beast. “I can’t believe I missed one as obvious as ‘the Jews are secretly...

Gaza Reporters Finally Catch Up on ‘Game of Thrones’

Gaza Reporters Finally Catch Up on ‘Game of Thrones’

With nothing newsworthy taking place in the Gaza Strip in recent weeks, reporters covering the territory have finally had the chance to binge hit HBO show “Game of Thrones.” After months of constantly reporting on every Israeli action in Gaza, reporters said they were pleasantly surprised to find that the latest series of protests were not against Israel at all. “Honestly, when I heard that a Palestinian writer had his fingers smashed and that civilians were being beaten on the...

Terrorists Tired of Jeremy Corbyn Constantly Wanting to Hang Out

Terrorists Tired of Jeremy Corbyn Constantly Wanting to Hang Out

With every day bringing new revelations of UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn honoring violent jihadists, terrorists from a range of Islamist groups admitted that they are tired of hanging out with the British opposition leader. “At first it wasn’t so bad. He’d snap a picture, we’d talk about killing Jews, and then he’d be on his way,” one leader of a Gaza-based Islamist group told The Mideast Beast. “But he just kept wanting to hang out more and more. One...

Erdogan Finally Faces Backlash After Calling Steve Irwin a Bitch

Erdogan Finally Faces Backlash After Calling Steve Irwin a Bitch

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan may have finally gone too far in his feud with Australia, as the president now faces an uprising after calling the late Australian conservationist Steve Irwin a “little bitch.” Erdogan’s comments marked the climax of a series of threats aimed at Australia’s citizens since a terror attack last week by an Australian white supremacist killed 50 Muslim worshippers in New Zealand. Erdogan threatened to send Australian tourists home in body bags and referenced World War I’s...

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a lot of obstacles to getting this deal done,” Spencer told reporters. “Namely, we hate Arabs and Muslims, and they hate whites and infidels.”...

Old-Fart Algerian Leader Forgoes Re-election Bid to Run for US Presidency

Old-Fart Algerian Leader Forgoes Re-election Bid to Run for US Presidency

Calling the US the only country where an elderly man on death’s doorstep can still run for the nation’s highest office, 82-year-old Algerian President Abdelaziz Bouteflika announced that he will look to challenge Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential election.  His announcement comes after Bouteflika was forced to withdraw from Algeria’s upcoming presidential election, in which he had planned to seek a fifth term, after protests broke out across the country. But Bouteflika, who has rarely given speeches and has...

Marie Kondo Named SECDEF, Pulls Out of Middle East

Marie Kondo Named SECDEF, Pulls Out of Middle East

Saying that the nation’s involvement in the region does “not spark joy,” newly-named Defense Secretary Marie Kondo announced she will withdraw all US troops and diplomats from the Middle East. President Trump’s surprise pick to replace Jim Mattis, Kondo took only 15 seconds to ditch the country’s entire web of alliances and longstanding hostilities and abandon any relations with the Middle East or the rest of the Muslim world. “The secretary examined the country’s troop presence in Afghanistan and Syria,...

Assyrians Massacred After Pelosi Leaves Them Out of Anti-Hate Resolution

Assyrians Massacred After Pelosi Leaves Them Out of Anti-Hate Resolution

In one of the Middle East’s worst genocides in a generation, tens of thousands of Assyrians were killed after US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi forgot to include them in a resolution condemning hate. The resolution, originally proposed to focus on anti-Semitism after a string of controversial comments by Congresswoman Ilhan Omar, was ultimately turned into a comprehensive list condemning all possible bigotries. But while denouncing hate against Jews, Muslims, African Americans, Latinos, Swedes, the LGBTQ community, dentists, Klingons, snow...

Following Brexit Vote, UK Considers Joining Middle East

Following Brexit Vote, UK Considers Joining Middle East

With Britain looking for a new home after narrowly voting to leave the EU, the Brits are reportedly considering joining the Middle East. “Things didn’t work out with Europe, but it’s time we get back out there on the market,” former London mayor and leading Brexiter Boris Johnson told The Mideast Beast. “The Middle East has some great things to offer; it’s got warm weather, historical sites, people with real tans, a touch of our own imperial legacy, and a little...

Following Launch of Israeli Spacecraft, Roger Waters Announces Boycott of the Moon

Following Launch of Israeli Spacecraft, Roger Waters Announces Boycott of the Moon

With the launch of Israel’s Beresheet spacecraft, a bid to make it the fourth country to land on the lunar surface, Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters is now urging his fans to boycott the moon. Waters says that people should make all efforts possible to avoid looking at the moon, reading about the moon or even saying the word “moon.” He has further demanded that the name of Pink Floyd’s eighth studio album be changed to “The Dark Side of...