Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Imitating Bolsonaro, Al Qaeda Tries to Burn Down Arabian Desert

Imitating Bolsonaro, Al Qaeda Tries to Burn Down Arabian Desert

Envious that so much of the world’s anger has been directed towards Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro over fires in the Amazon Rainforest, al Qaeda has ordered its warriors to burn down the Middle East’s preeminent ecosystem, the Arabian Desert. Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri said in an internal memo that he hopes raging fires across the Arabian Peninsula will inspire the same type of outcry that the flames in the Amazon have, putting the terror group back in the spotlight....

Iran’s Supreme Leader Furious After Banned from Salman Rushdie’s Birthday Party

Iran’s Supreme Leader Furious After Banned from Salman Rushdie’s Birthday Party

Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei is calling for a complete boycott of Salman Rushdie after the novelist refused to invite Khamenei to his 73rd birthday party. Khamenei, who recently renewed a 30-year-old fatwa calling for Rushdie’s death, had planned to spend the birthday party lobbying for guests to carry out the death order. But those plans were halted when he was informed that he would not be let into the exclusive event. “This is so unfair!” a crying Khamenei said...

Tlaib’s Grandmother Furious She Must Keep Cooking, Throwing Away Food

Tlaib’s Grandmother Furious She Must Keep Cooking, Throwing Away Food

While Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib’s on-again off-again plans to visit Israel and the Palestinian territories have roiled the US, the uncertainty has also caused untold aggravation for Tlaib’s grandmother, who has spent the past week cooking for Rashida’s expected visit. After staying up all night cooking Rashida’s favorite dishes earlier this week, Tlaib’s grandmother was forced to feed a week’s worth of maqluba to the neighborhood cats when she learned that Israel had banned her and fellow congresswoman Ilhan Omar from...

Anthony Weiner Distraught He Never Got to Befriend Epstein

Anthony Weiner Distraught He Never Got to Befriend Epstein

Calling the deceased financier a kindred spirit, former US Congressman Anthony Weiner is reportedly distraught that he never got the chance to become friends with Jeffrey Epstein before his death. In a since-deleted Tweet, the disgraced New York politician complained that he was never invited to Epstein’s mansion, let alone his ‘orgy island’ in the Caribbean. While he hoped that this was an oversight, he admitted to being worried that he had done something wrong to not warrant an invite....

Bronx Zoo to Ban Video Games After Hedgehog Attacks Woman, Steals Rings

Bronx Zoo to Ban Video Games After Hedgehog Attacks Woman, Steals Rings

The Bronx Zoo announced that it will no longer allow its animals to play video games due to concerns that the games are leading to violent behavior. The decision came after one of the zoo’s hedgehogs attacked a visitor and stole her rings after playing hours upon hours of Sonic the Hedgehog. Just days earlier, an Italian tourist was sent to the hospital after a gorilla struck him with an empty barrel. “We are clearly seeing animals acting out on...

Saudis to Seek US Advice on Getting Enemies to Commit Suicide

Saudis to Seek US Advice on Getting Enemies to Commit Suicide

Nearly a year after his bungling execution of Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi drew international condemnation, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman is looking to his American allies for help in getting troublesome individuals to commit suicide. Bin Salman’s appeal for help came after billionaire financier and sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his Manhattan jail cell after apparently hanging himself. Epstein’s death came amid speculation that he may implicate other powerful figures in the political and business world,...

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our backs on such a tragedy,” Assad said after reading about the 2015 Tyrone shooting, then the Charleston church shooting that...

ISIS Bans Gun Sales to People Without History of Violence

ISIS Bans Gun Sales to People Without History of Violence

With the signing of landmark gun control legislation, the Islamic State has banned all gun sales to individuals with no history of violence, domestic abuse or mental illness. “While I believe strongly in the right to bear arms, there are certain people who should simply not own a military-grade weapon,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said as he signed the bill into law. “Too often, people are buying guns and then not using them to commit atrocities.” Baghdadi said that...

ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’

ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’

In a move aimed at terrorizing US citizens, the Islamic State has announced a new initiative to sit back and do nothing while Americans slaughter each other in mass shootings. “The whole point of radical Islamic terrorism is to prevent people from gathering at church, in school, at shopping centers, or at bars without the fear of falling victim to an act of senseless violence,” former Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained. “Since there’s not much more we can do on...

Syrian Civil War Ends After Assad Bans Violent Video Games

Syrian Civil War Ends After Assad Bans Violent Video Games

Taking inspiration from GOP Congressman Kevin McCarthy and US President Donald Trump, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has ended years of violence and civil war by enacting a ban on violent video games. The ban, which came after more than 400,000 Syrian deaths since 2011, has brought peace to the region, as both ISIS and pro-government forces have overcome their violent tendencies. “After hours upon hours of playing Grand Jihad Auto, World of Holy Warcraft, and Jihadi’s Creed, how could I...

US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay

US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay

Saying that the threat of additional terrorist attacks justified extraordinary measures, the US has begun holding suspected white supremacists on the island of Gringotanamo Bay off the coast of Cuba. American officials made the decision after a pair of shootings in Dayton, Ohio and El Paso, Texas – one of which was believed to be carried out by white supremacists – killed 29 Americans. Almost immediately, white men affiliated with radical groups were rounded up and shipped to the island,...

Ilhan Omar: Greatest Threats to America Are Racism and the Jews

Ilhan Omar: Greatest Threats to America Are Racism and the Jews

In response to comments from President Donald Trump urging her and three other freshmen Congressmen to “go back” to their countries, Representative Ilhan Omar called racism and bigotry the biggest threat facing America, along with the Jews. “It is horrifying that in 2019, an elected leader like Donald Trump could question our loyalty to our country based solely on our race and nationality,” Omar said in a press conference. “Besides, it’s the Jews who hate America.” Other far-Left lawmakers, known...

Women Thrilled to Learn Israel Only Violator of Women’s Rights

Women Thrilled to Learn Israel Only Violator of Women’s Rights

Calling it a miracle that all but one nation in the world now respects women’s rights, feminist organizations from across the globe are celebrating a recent UN resolution naming Israel as the world’s only women’s rights violator.  “For years, we witnessed brutal oppression of women in counties like Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan, honor killings in Pakistan, and the use of rape as a weapon of war in the Congo,” Joanna Manganara, the president of the International Alliance of Women, told The Mideast...

Ayanna Pressley Booted from ‘The Squad’ Over Insufficient Anti-Semitism

Ayanna Pressley Booted from ‘The Squad’ Over Insufficient Anti-Semitism

Blasting their colleague for her lack of disdain for American Jews, three progressive congresswomen have kicked Democrat Ayanna Pressley out of their “squad.” “Frankly, when it comes to pushing bizarre conspiracy theories against the Jews or being indignantly dismissive of Jewish concerns, Pressley has not been pulling her weight,” Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar said in a press conference. “While Rashida (Tlaib) and I have been busting our tails to bash the Jews every week, Pressley can’t even consistently defend those of...

Nazi Germany Proof Anti-Semitism Isn’t a Big Deal, Tlaib Says

Nazi Germany Proof Anti-Semitism Isn’t a Big Deal, Tlaib Says

Pointing to the example of Nazi Germany in defense of controversial pro-BDS legislation, Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib said that the rise of the Adolf Hitler proved that a little bit of anti-Semitism really isn’t that big a deal. “Some are calling this legislation anti-Semitic because it says that people should refuse to do business with Israeli Jews, but you know what?” she said during a speech on the House floor. “People have said a lot of things were anti-Semitic. Like when the...

UNESCO Declares Katz’s Deli ‘Palestinian Heritage Site’

UNESCO Declares Katz’s Deli ‘Palestinian Heritage Site’

In yet another blow to the Jewish People, UNESCO has declared Katz’s Delicatessen, a well-known Jewish, kosher-style establishment, a Palestinian world heritage site. “Al-Delicatessen al-Katz is as integral to Islamic history as Mecca, Medina and South Florida,” the resolution states. “Unfortunately, this landmark is threatened by the Zionist De Blasio occupation regime.” The resolution is the latest in a series of moves that some say are aimed at undermining Jewish connection to historical sites by UNESCO. It follows a decision...

BDS Expands After Learning Rest of Middle East Also Treats Palestinians Like Shit

BDS Expands After Learning Rest of Middle East Also Treats Palestinians Like Shit

Supporters of the Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions (BDS) campaign announced that they are widening the scope of their movement after learning that Palestinians are treated like shit across the Middle East and the rest of the world. “When we were told we had to boycott Israel, we thought that it was because of Israel’s treatment of Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza,” one recent convert to the BDS movement explained. “Then we read all about [Syrian President Bashar] Assad’s slaughter of Palestinians...

Palestine to Change Name to ‘Donaldstine’ in Bid for Trump’s Support

Palestine to Change Name to ‘Donaldstine’ in Bid for Trump’s Support

In response to the dedication of a new Israeli town called Trump Heights and other efforts aimed at flattering US President Donald Trump, Palestinian leaders will declare their territory the “State of Donaldstine.” The move represents a dramatic reversal for the Palestinian Authority, which had resisted peace negotiations led by the Trump Administration and accused the US of favoring Israeli demands. But after seeing Trump’s response to Israel’s attempts at flattery, the Palestinians have decided to try a similar approach. “For years...

New York Times Praises Saudis for Not Putting White Man on Moon

New York Times Praises Saudis for Not Putting White Man on Moon

Calling the Kingdom a “beacon of tolerance and progressive values,” a column in The New York Times praised Saudi Arabia for winning the “space race for equality” by refusing to put a straight white male on the moon. “While Americans were busy spreading white supremacy by sending cis-gendered straight white men into space, one after another, Saudi leadership refused to compromise on its pluralistic values,” the column stated. “Men and women, gay and straight, of all races stayed on Earth...

Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country

Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country

Confronted over her baffling explanation of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict on PBS’s “Firing Line,” Democratic House candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted that she had no idea that there’s a literal country called “Israel” or an aspiring nation called “Palestine.” Ocasio-Cortez acknowledged that her opposition to the “occupation” stemmed from her Socialist aversion to anything that sounded like it might have to do with a job. “I just think Israel should end the occupation, because like, we’re all people, so why should the...