Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Egypt’s Sisi Supports Trump’s Impeachment After Hearing that it is a ‘Coup’

Egypt’s Sisi Supports Trump’s Impeachment After Hearing that it is a ‘Coup’

Democrats’ attempt to impeach President Donald Trump has earned the support of Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, after Republicans described efforts to remove the president as “a coup.” “I was never a big fan of impeachment when it was a constitutionally mandated process to hold a powerful and divisive head of state accountable,” Sisi explained. “But a sudden, violent takeover of power by force? That I can get behind.” Leaders from across the Middle East were reportedly puzzled that Trump...

Iran Mistakenly Cracks Down on Hong Kong Protests

Iran Mistakenly Cracks Down on Hong Kong Protests

Admitting they were completely baffled by a popular uprising that had nothing to do with the regime, Iran has mistakenly sent forces to crack down on anti-government protestors in Hong Kong. Although the protestors are demanding independence from the Chinese government, Iranian leaders said that recent demonstrations in Iran, Iraq and Lebanon had led the Ayatollahs to reflexively put down all pro-democracy movements across the Eastern Hemisphere. “Honestly, whenever we see masses of people on TV demanding their rights, we...

Human Rights Watch Praises Iran for Only Killing Shitty Civilians

Human Rights Watch Praises Iran for Only Killing Shitty Civilians

Defending the Islamic Republic’s brutal crackdown against economic protestors, Human Rights Watch Executive Director Kenneth Roth praised the Iranian government for only killing civilians who were “really losers to begin with anyway.” “If reports are true, Iran’s record of only killing shitty civilians who weren’t contributing much to begin with is commendable,” Roth Tweeted. “It would be better if they didn’t kill anyone, but nobody’s perfect.” Roth, whose statement came after an earlier tweet praising Iran for not killing civilians...

Bloomberg’s Mideast Peace Plan Gives $1m to All Non-Terrorists

Bloomberg’s Mideast Peace Plan Gives $1m to All Non-Terrorists

In an ambitious blueprint towards an Israeli-Palestinian peace agreement, Democratic presidential candidate and former NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg has proposed giving $1 million of his personal fortune to any Palestinian that agrees not to be a terrorist. Speaking at his campaign launch, Bloomberg said a final status agreement is possible if both sides have sufficient incentives, which he will provide from his $52 billion bank account. In addition to his stipend to Palestinian non-terrorists, Bloomberg would allow payouts to settlers...

Chick-fil-A Begins Donating to Hezbollah in Effort to Please Far Left

Chick-fil-A Begins Donating to Hezbollah in Effort to Please Far Left

After ending donations to two controversial Christian charities, fast food chain Chick-fil-A is looking to gain additional left-wing customers by instead giving the funds to Islamist militant group Hezbollah. Officials from the Georgia-based fried chicken joint privately called the decision a win-win. “These contributions have somehow increased our support among progressives, who see Hezbollah as a like-minded organization,” one Chick-fil-A executive told The Mideast Beast. “At the same time, we can continue doing what we love – giving money to...

Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow BDSM Kit

Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow BDSM Kit

In an embarrassing mix-up, the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas ordered hundreds of beginner’s BDSM kits from actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s gift guide, believing it was associated with the BDS, or Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions, movement against Israel. Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh initially appeared triumphant after making the $1,350 purchase. Haniyeh released a video in which he donned black leather restraints on his wrists and ankles and let UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn spank him with a matching paddle. “With Allah as our witness, we...

Erdogan Rounds Up ‘People’ Reporters After ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Snub

Erdogan Rounds Up ‘People’ Reporters After ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Snub

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has begun arresting reporters for People magazine on terrorism charges after the publication once again passed him over for its annual ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ award. Within minutes of the magazine awarding singer and EGOT winner John Legend the honor for 2019, Erdogan’s forces had hauled away dozens of journalists and staff members, calling them enemies of the state. “These terrorists are trying to destroy Turkey and its citizens by stealing this award, which I clearly...

Trump Asks Turkey to Invade Mexico

Trump Asks Turkey to Invade Mexico

Insisting that someone must do something about gang violence that now threatens US citizens, President Donald Trump has called on his Turkish counterpart, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, to send troops into Mexico. “These murderous gangs have been wreaking havoc on innocent families in Mexico and now America, and the only way to stop them is to confront them with overwhelming force,” Trump declared during a press conference. “This is a job for the best fighting force the world has ever known...

Warren Proposes ‘Jihad Tax’ to Defeat al Qaeda, ISIS

Warren Proposes ‘Jihad Tax’ to Defeat al Qaeda, ISIS

Insisting that there is no problem on Earth that can’t be solved by the right tax, Senator and Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren has proposed a “jihad tax” to wipe radical Islamic groups like ISIS and al Qaeda off the map. Her detailed proposal would create a system for taxing everything from suicide bombings and beheadings to hijackings and pipeline attacks. Terrorists would still be targeted in special forces missions, but SEAL Team Six will now comprise IRS agents instead...

Ecstatic Ariel Gold Announces Acceptance into ISIS

Ecstatic Ariel Gold Announces Acceptance into ISIS

Days after returning from Iran, Code Pink national co-director Ariel Gold announced on Twitter that she has also been accepted into the Islamic State to lead the country’s Jewish outreach program. “I spoke to ISIS President Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi, and it turns out he has the exact same opinion about Jews and Israel as I do!” Gold tweeted. “And to think that some people call him anti-Semitic.” Gold promised to “keep an open mind” as she met with ISIS leaders...

Dog in Baghdadi Raid Defects to ISIS After Promise of Unlimited Belly Rubs

Dog in Baghdadi Raid Defects to ISIS After Promise of Unlimited Belly Rubs

In what is being called the greatest American betrayal since Benedict Arnold, the Belgian Malinois who helped track down Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, has defected to ISIS after the terror group promised her unlimited belly rubs. The dog, named Conan, had become a hero in the US for her role in the killing of Baghdadi, even being mentioned as a candidate of the Medal of Honor. But all it took for ISIS to flip her was a 23-second...

Sanders Proposes Sending Israel’s Military Aid to Mel Gibson

Sanders Proposes Sending Israel’s Military Aid to Mel Gibson

Accusing the Jewish state of committing “atrocities” against the Oscar-winner’s acting career, US Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders proposed ending military aid to Israel and instead giving the funds to Mel Gibson. “It is not anti-Semitic to acknowledge that the Jewish people have completely destroyed this man’s career just for speaking the truth,” Sanders said during a conference hosted by J Street. “Why are we sending $3.8 billion to Israel instead of helping poor Mel rebuild his life?” Sanders...

‘Guess That’s It for Us,’ Islamic Terrorists Say

‘Guess That’s It for Us,’ Islamic Terrorists Say

Radical Islamic terrorists from across the Middle East are calling it quits following the death of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, with all agreeing that the time has come to abandon jihad and accept Western values. “Listen, we had a really good run blowing stuff up and beheading Americans while we recreated the world of Muhammad and the rightly guided caliphs,” one former ISIS fighter said as he sipped on a can of Coca-Cola. “But let’s face it. Our Caliph...

ISIS to Trump: Stop Sending Mixed Signals

ISIS to Trump: Stop Sending Mixed Signals

With the terror group’s leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, reportedly dead in a US raid, members of the Islamic State are begging US President Donald Trump to stop sending mixed signals. “First, you finally ditch those Kurds that have been killing us for years and let thousands of our prisoners break free,” one ISIS executive told The Mideast Beast. “Then just when we think you are really committed to working things out, you go and kill our best terrorist! It’s enough...

Ethnic Cleansings ‘Good and Easy to Win,’ Trump Says

Ethnic Cleansings ‘Good and Easy to Win,’ Trump Says

With his decision to pull troops out of Syria already forcing 250,000 Kurds to flee their homes, US President Donald Trump is now calling himself a “genocide man” and bragging that “ethnic cleansings are good, and easy to win!” “This ethnic cleansing is going to be tremendous for the Kurds, great for America, and really just great for civilization,” Trump told reporters as he boarded Air Force One. “Anyone who says that the Kurds don’t want to be slaughtered or...

LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season

LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season

Calling them “misinformed” and blasting them for causing what he called a “really difficult week,” Lakers superstar LeBron James has called on protestors in Hong Kong to just relax until after the NBA season ends. “My team and I had like a 20-hour flight to China, and I really think these protestors didn’t stop and think about how their actions would affect our trip here,” James tweeted. “I’m not addressing the substance of their protests, but couldn’t they have waited...

ISIS Names Trump Honorary Caliph

ISIS Names Trump Honorary Caliph

The Islamic State has made US President Donald Trump the first non-Muslim to earn the title of “Honorary Caliph,” celebrating the American leader for helping to free more than 1,000 ISIS fighters. The distinction came after Trump announced that he would withdraw all forces from northern Syria, abandoning his Kurdish forces which long stood as the greatest threat to ISIS. Within days, thousands of Islamic State fighters had been freed from prison, paving the way for the terror group to...

Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms

Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms

In a dramatic reversal, leading Democrats are now supporting President Donald Trump’s sudden withdrawal from Syria’s Kurdish regions after it was revealed that the Kurdish government does not require businesses to operate gender-neutral bathrooms. Trump’s decision to pull troops and allow Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to invade the region had prompted bipartisan outrage, particularly after reports emerged of heavy civilian casualties. But that began to change after video of the Turkish onslaught showed a Kurdish business with restrooms clearly...

Trump Blasts Kurds for Not Saving Jesus

Trump Blasts Kurds for Not Saving Jesus

Facing increasing criticism over his decision to abandon his Kurdish allies despite their key role in the fight against ISIS, US President Donald Trump now claims his decision stems from the Kurds’ refusal to intervene in the execution of Jesus nearly 2,000 years. Trump first claimed that the Kurds had not fought alongside Americans during the invasion of Normandy, justifying his recent betrayal. But when it was pointed out that Kurds were thousands of miles away from the European theater...

‘No One Fucks Over Kurds Like Me,’ Trump Brags

‘No One Fucks Over Kurds Like Me,’ Trump Brags

Declaring that he was “absolutely tremendous” at betraying his country’s most loyal allies, US President Donald Trump declared in a press conference that he was the most prolific leader in US history at fucking over the Kurds. “Frankly, a lot of presidents were really pathetic when it came to convincing the Kurds to risk their lives on our behalves, and then leaving them to be slaughtered as soon as we didn’t need them anymore,” Trump told reporters. “A lot of...