Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

President Donald Trump lashed out at Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai, responding to criticism from the 18-year-old Pakistani by claiming that “a real hero would have never gotten shot in the first place.” “I mean, everyone goes on about how, ‘Oh, she’s soooo brave, and so courageous,’ just because she got shot in the face. I mean, how brave do you need to be to get shot in the face? It’s not like she caught the bullet in her teeth –...

Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran

Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran

Apparently unaware that the drone destroyed by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards was unmanned, US President Donald Trump praised the “brave and patriotic pilot senselessly killed” and promised payback would be swift. Puzzlingly, Trump even said that he had spoken to the family of the pilot to offer his condolences. “They told me, Donald, you are doing a tremendous job, crooked Hillary never would have called us,” Trump recalled. “We are going to make Iran pay, believe me. Now if he...

AOC Calls Hilton Hotel a Concentration Camp After Room Service Arrives Late

AOC Calls Hilton Hotel a Concentration Camp After Room Service Arrives Late

In a scathing one-star TripAdvisor review, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called the Hilton Hotel in Washington D.C. “literally a concentration camp” after her room service order arrived nearly 15 minutes late. “Just like the knotsies (sic) starved the Jews in the Holocaust, the Hilton is refusing to bring me my breakfast omelette in a timely manner, putting my health, and therefore my life, at risk,” Ocasio-Cortez wrote. “It is hard to believe I am in an actual concentration camp.” The post...

Ocasio-Cortez Compares Basic Economics Textbook to Mein Kampf

Ocasio-Cortez Compares Basic Economics Textbook to Mein Kampf

Freshman Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is once again under fire for minimizing the holocaust after she referred to the book “Basic Economics” as “pretty much the same thing as” Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler’s manifesto. Ocasio-Cortez has already faced criticism after comparing the use of tear gas to the Nazis’ use of cyanide gas and for likening migrant camps at the US-Mexico border to concentration camps. But she doubled down Wednesday after receiving a copy of “Basic Economics” by Thomas Sowell in the...

Egypt Swears it Tortured Morsi No More than Usual

Egypt Swears it Tortured Morsi No More than Usual

Rejecting any responsibility for the death of the deposed leader, Egypt’s government vowed that former president Mohammed Morsi was not tortured any more than every other political prisoner held in the country. “Mr. Morsi died of natural causes, and any suggestion that his death was caused by his treatment in prison is reckless and completely unfounded,” a statement from President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi read. “Other than denying medical treatment, keeping him in solitary confinement, and occasionally waterboarding him while making him...

Golan Heights Town That Is Named After Trump Declares Bankruptcy

Golan Heights Town That Is Named After Trump Declares Bankruptcy

Just days after ground was broken in the new Golan Heights settlement, Trump Heights announced that it had no choice but to officially declare bankruptcy after billions of shekels of debt was discovered on its balance sheet. The move shocked auditors, who noted that the only construction to take place so far was a groundbreaking ceremony for a commemorative plaque. A list of expenditures in Chapter 9 documents revealed that most of the funding was spent on “Make America Great...

Al Qaeda Leader Jealous of De Blasio’s Unpopularity in New York

Al Qaeda Leader Jealous of De Blasio’s Unpopularity in New York

Lamenting that he is not nearly as hated despite helping orchestrate the September 11 attacks, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri is reportedly jealous of New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio’s deep unpopularity among New Yorkers. De Blasio, who has faced criticism for his decision to run for president, has a net negative approval rating of 24 points in New York, with 53 percent of New Yorkers disapproving of his performance. “Hell, I planned the most devastating terrorist attack in...

Dyke March Bans Supporters with Large Noses

Dyke March Bans Supporters with Large Noses

In an effort to create a safe space for Palestinians and anti-Zionists, organizers of the Dyke March announced that people with long or hook-shaped noses will be banned from next year’s event. The march courted controversy this year when it banned pride flags with the Star of David and other Jewish symbols in a move it said marked solidarity with Palestinian supporters. Despite the ban, however, organizers fear some Zionists may have slipped into the event disguised as normal people. “Even...

Saudi Arabia Celebrates Pride Month by Hanging Gays with Rainbow Noose

Saudi Arabia Celebrates Pride Month by Hanging Gays with Rainbow Noose

Calling it a momentous step towards recognition of the LGBTQ+ community, Saudi Arabia announced that all homosexuals executed during pride month would be hung from a rainbow noose or beheaded with a rainbow-colored ax. Though human rights activists said much further process remains necessary, the announcement marks a major step forward for gay equality in the kingdom. “We have a thriving gay community here in Saudi Arabia, and this is our way of recognizing and celebrating it,” Crown Prince Mohammad...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv, just as the city’s annual Gay Pride Week’s activities kicked off. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly straight in the city is a near death sentence, as heterosexuals are thrown from rooftops, stoned to death or...

Palestinians Call for One-State Solution to US-Mexico Dispute

Palestinians Call for One-State Solution to US-Mexico Dispute

In a rejection of more than two decades of Palestinian foreign policy, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said it might be time for the US and Mexico to give up on their attempt at a two-state solution. “Listen, we’ve tried having separate states on each side of the Rio Grande, and we ended up with one side sending all its rapists over, and the other side trying to build a wall,” Abbas said during a joint press conference with Mexican President...

Trump Promises Crippling Tariffs Against ISIS

Trump Promises Crippling Tariffs Against ISIS

In an effort to finally defeat the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, US President Donald Trump has announced a 15% tariff on all goods imported from the Caliphate. The tariff, which will also tax exports to ISIS, bewildered economists, who noted that the policy would have little effect since there was no trade between the US and the Islamic State. But Trump, who last week announced a tariff on Mexican imports unless the country curbs illegal immigration, was unphased,...

Trump, Khamenei Best Friends After Learning They Both Hate McCain

Trump, Khamenei Best Friends After Learning They Both Hate McCain

In a dramatic turnaround, US President Donald Trump and Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei have become best friends after learning that they share a vehement hatred for the late US Senator John McCain. The pair made the discovery early Saturday morning, when Trump phoned the Ayatollah to brag about the latest round of sanctions against Iran. Trump called Khamenei the “fourth most terrible person ever, after fat Rosie O’Donnell, little Adam Schiff and that pussy John McCain.” To his surprise, Khamenei...

Trump Challenges Iranian Leader to Winner-Take-All Game of Battleship

Trump Challenges Iranian Leader to Winner-Take-All Game of Battleship

In another dramatic foreign policy development, US President Donald Trump has threatened to annihilate Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei in Hasbro’s classic board game ‘Battleship.’ In a tweet that reportedly stunned the president’s generals and top advisors, Trump offered to withdraw all military forces from the Middle East and turn over the entire US nuclear arsenal to Iran if the Ayatollah beats him in a winner-take-all Battleship match. “I have a very big brain and no (sic) more about war...

Netanyahu Proposes Compromise Requiring Haredi Jews to Play One Game of Laser Tag

Netanyahu Proposes Compromise Requiring Haredi Jews to Play One Game of Laser Tag

In what he has called a major concession aimed at obviating the need for another round of elections, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has put forward a bill requiring Haredi, or ultra-Orthodox, Israelis to take part in one game of laser tag to avoid military service. The proposal comes in response to demands by Avigdor Liberman, the leader of the right-wing Yisrael Beytenu party, that the government pass legislation regulating the draft of yeshiva students into the military. The prime...

Hatari Petitions The Hague Over Bland Falafel in Israel

Hatari Petitions The Hague Over Bland Falafel in Israel

Accusing the nation of engaging in “apartheid against foreign musicians,” Icelandic techno group Hatari filed charges against Israel for crimes against humanity after being served tasteless falafel during its trip for Eurovision. “While I know that the Middle East has seen injustice and suffering, nothing can compare to the pain of expecting the best falafel I’ve ever tasted and instead being handed a dry, stale, lukewarm ball of mediocrity,” Hatari drummer Einar Stefansson said in a press conference as he...

Rashida Tlaib Plans Relaxing Spa Week at Auschwitz

Rashida Tlaib Plans Relaxing Spa Week at Auschwitz

Noting that she really needs some pampering after a stressful week in Congress, Representative Rashida Tlaib has booked a trip to Poland for a week of spa treatment at Auschwitz. “Dealing with all this nagging from Republicans and Jews has really been terrible for my skin,” said Tlaib, referring to criticism over recent comments about the Holocaust. “I need to go someplace quiet and relaxing, and no place gives me a calming feeling quite like Auschwitz.” Already, news of her trip...

NYC Launches ‘See Something, Confront Your Unconscious Bias and Islamophobia’ Campaign

NYC Launches ‘See Something, Confront Your Unconscious Bias and Islamophobia’ Campaign

In an effort to revamp his city’s post-9/11 “See Something Say Something” campaign, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has announced a fresh “See Something, Confront Your Unconscious Bias and Consider How the White Supremacist Patriarchy Has Shaped what is Considered Suspicious” initiative. Posters with the new slogan will begin going up on billboards, trains and buses throughout the city, as de Blasio hopes to refocus threats of terrorism to spur New Yorkers to question their assumptions about Middle Eastern...

Activists Leave Birthright Trip to Protest Lack of Hot Israeli Soldiers

Activists Leave Birthright Trip to Protest Lack of Hot Israeli Soldiers

In another courageous protest against the occupation less than a year ago, a third group of Jewish activists has left its free Birthright trip to take a stand against the lack of hot Israeli soldiers on their tour bus. “We came to Israel on Birthright to get a complete and accurate picture of our ancestral homeland by having sex with muscular, tan special forces commanders, but instead we got stuck with two skinny privates and some guy in the IDF’s IT...

Confused Biden Touts Endorsement from Ben-Gurion

Confused Biden Touts Endorsement from Ben-Gurion

Days after mistakenly telling supporters that the late Margaret Thatcher had recently express concern about Donald Trump’s presidency, former Vice President Joe Biden announced that he has received the endorsement of former Israeli prime minister David Ben-Gurion. “Just spoke with Prime Minister Ben-Gurion – he gave me a ringing endorsement and said he’s very worried about this Nixon fellow,” the 76-year-old Biden tweeted. “As your president, I will work hard for all Americans and will bring Hirohito to justice!” A Biden...