Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Prophet Muhammad Disappointed to Find So Few Statues and Paintings of Himself

Prophet Muhammad Disappointed to Find So Few Statues and Paintings of Himself

The Prophet Muhammad admitted today that he was a bit disappointed to find that, 1,400 years after creating what he believed to be the perfect society in modern-day Saudi Arabia, the world seemingly has largely forgotten about him. “I realize a millennium and a half is a long time, but I expected to find at least an occasional painting or sculpture of myself,” Muhammad told The Mideast Beast. “I see paintings of the Prophet Isa [Jesus] all over the place, and...

Hillary Clinton to Run for President of Syria

Hillary Clinton to Run for President of Syria

DAMASCUS — Acknowledging that it is her best shot at becoming president, former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced the she will move to Syria and challenge President Bashar al-Assad in the next election. “I gave America two chances to elect me president, and they blew it both times,” Clinton said in press conference announcing her candidacy. “Now, I have no choice but to take my talents to Damascus.” Clinton, who lost in the Democratic primary in 2008 and...

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Atlanta Braves told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...

Trump Says He’ll Lift Sanctions if Iran Keeps Farrakhan

Trump Says He’ll Lift Sanctions if Iran Keeps Farrakhan

Offering the ayatollahs what he called the “ultimate deal,” US President Donald Trump has offered to lift all sanctions against the Islamic Republic of Iran if they agree to keep Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan. Farrakhan, who is visiting Iran, made headlines for leading a “Death to America” chant during his visit. Though Trump had previously promised to ratchet up sanctions, he is now willing to end his efforts to isolate the country in order to be rid of...

Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns

Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns

In response to legislation in Austria, Denmark and France banning Muslim women from wearing the burqa, Muslim countries across the Middle East have begun cracking down on young to middle-aged white men sporting “man buns”. Saudi Arabia was the first to issue a “man bun ban,” calling the hairstyle a threat to national security. Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan soon followed suit. “Potential terrorists can hide weapons or explosives in these man buns, putting innocent lives at risk,” Iranian President Hassan...

Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides

Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides

Despite the public relations boost it would give to an organization desperately trying to stay relevant, Islamic State officials have decided not to recruit rapper Kanye West to the terror group. “Honestly, we could probably get him to sign on as our spokesman in 15 minutes,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast, noting West’s dramatic vacillation over his support for US President Donald Trump. “Aggrieved young men from middle class backgrounds who are insecure about their masculinity,...

Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream

Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream

In another effort to infuse social justice into its products, Ben & Jerry’s has released a new ‘Mintifada’ ice cream to honor “the heroic activists who stood up to the shifty Jews” during two Palestinian uprisings. Along with its mint base, the ice cream will include pop rocks representing the suicide bombs used against Jewish targets and small pebbles referencing the rocks thrown at Israeli tanks and cars. “Alongside all those nutty chunks, this pint packs a powerful message under...

“Israeli-Palestinian Peace Unlikely During My Term in Power”, God Admits

“Israeli-Palestinian Peace Unlikely During My Term in Power”, God Admits

HEAVEN — On Thursday evening, God acknowledged that a negotiated settlement to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict “is not in the cards” during his remaining time in power. “While God believes steps can be taken to minimize violence and perhaps set the table for future negotiations, He has determined that a final status agreement is beyond reach for the foreseeable future,” one of God’s senior advisors told The Mideast Beast. “At this point, God’s goal is simply to preserve the possibility of a...

Israelis and Palestinians Demand End to 50 Cent-Ja Rule Conflict

Israelis and Palestinians Demand End to 50 Cent-Ja Rule Conflict

Declaring that the both sides in the dispute need to put the past behind them, Israelis and Palestinians have come together to call for an end to the longstanding conflict between rappers Ja Rule and 50 Cent. The joint plea for peace between the two New York City rappers comes after 50 Cent reignited the feud when he bought 200 front-row seat tickets to Ja Rule’s concert in Arlington, Texas. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas offered to host peace talks, declaring that...

European Court of Human Rights Rules Death Penalty OK for Infidels

European Court of Human Rights Rules Death Penalty OK for Infidels

Reversing its longstanding opposition to capital punishment, the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) ruled that the death penalty is admissible in cases when the defendant does not accept Prophet Muhammed as his or her savior. “While we remain generally opposed to any government ending the lives of even the worst criminals, people who reject the divinity of the Prophet Muhammed, May Peace Be Upon Him, could stir up prejudice and put at risk religious peace,” the recent ruling stated....

Saudis Hire OJ to Find Khashoggi’s Real Killers

Saudis Hire OJ to Find Khashoggi’s Real Killers

In a move aimed at highlighting his commitment to bringing those responsible to justice, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman has hired NFL Hall of Famer OJ Simpson to investigate the killing of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “My primary goal in life is to pursue the real killer or killers of Jamal. They are out there somewhere,” the Saudi leader said in a press conference. “And there is no one who knows more about finding real killers than OJ Simpson.” The Saudi...

ISIS Can’t Believe They Forgot to Send Bombs to Republicans

ISIS Can’t Believe They Forgot to Send Bombs to Republicans

With Americans divided over a series of mail bombs sent to left-wing political figures, ISIS leaders that greenlit the coordinated bombing campaign are kicking themselves over their failure to also send bombs to Republicans. “How could we forget to make sure our victims were bipartisan?” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi complained. “We got so excited about sending bombs to George Soros, President Obama, CNN and a bunch of other infidels that we completely missed the fact that they all happened...

Khashoggi Killed, Dismembered, and then Buried Self, Saudis Now Say

Khashoggi Killed, Dismembered, and then Buried Self, Saudis Now Say

Walking back its admission that the journalist was killed by Saudi agents inside the country’s consulate in Istanbul, the Saudi government now says Jamal Khashoggi took his own life, then dismembered himself before burying his own remains at the nearby consul general’s house. “Khashoggi had been very depressed due to the shame he felt for insulting the Royal Family in his newspaper columns,” a government spokesman said in a statement. “We tried to stop him, but soon after he entered...

ESPN Hires Ahmadinejad as Football Analyst

ESPN Hires Ahmadinejad as Football Analyst

In a move aimed at boosting the network’s progressive bona fides, ESPN announced that it has hired former Iranian president and die-hard football fan Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as its new NFL/social justice reporter. The move comes after a series of tweets in which Ahmadinejad – who has denied the Holocaust and claimed that there are no gay Iranians – opined on college football, Colin Kaepernick and the murder of Huey Newton. “Since Jemele Hill left the network, we really have not had...

ISIS Disbands After Stephen Hawking Reveals ‘There is No God’

ISIS Disbands After Stephen Hawking Reveals ‘There is No God’

The Islamic State has officially announced its dissolution after scientist Stephen Hawking’s revelation that “there is no God” made the radical Islamist group irrelevant. ISIS, which declared the restoration of the Islamic caliphate in 2014 and has spent the past four years waging a holy war, learned of Hawking’s discovery while reading his recently-published final book. The group initially tried to remake itself as a radical atheist organization, beheading believers and changing its slogan from “There is no God but Allah”...

Hamas Leader to Move to Israel After Discovering He’s 1/1024 Jewish

Hamas Leader to Move to Israel After Discovering He’s 1/1024 Jewish

In a shocking turn, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh announced that he has renounced jihad and now supports Zionism after a DNA test revealed that he is nearly 0.1 percent Jewish. Haniyeh now says he will move to Israel, practice Judaism and join the Likud party, a dramatic turnaround for a leader who previously vowed to destroy the Jewish state. He announced the findings in a heartfelt video posted to his campaign website, which featured the former terrorist learning the results of...

Rogue Killers Shocked Trump Solved Khashoggi Murder

Rogue Killers Shocked Trump Solved Khashoggi Murder

The rogue killers who snuck into the Saudi consulate in Istanbul to murder journalist Jamal Khashoggi admitted to being stunned that US President Donald Trump was able to immediately solve the crime despite their attempts to pin it on the Saudi government. “We really thought nobody would suspect us if we chose an outspoken dissident to murder and waited until he happened to enter the consulate just as a 15-man Saudi hit squad entered through the back door,” one of the...

ISIS Announces Plan to Destroy West by Ignoring Climate Change

ISIS Announces Plan to Destroy West by Ignoring Climate Change

In what the group’s leaders are calling its boldest attack to date, the Islamic State vowed to completely ignore climate change until it destroys Western civilization. In a chilling video, Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi vowed to do nothing to reduce carbon dioxide emissions despite a recent UN report warning that imminent action is needed to prevent disaster. “Unless the infidels withdraw from our holy lands, end their support for corrupt regimes and accept Islam, we will continue to...

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise

Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 76 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just as well as any heroic male martyr would have, but instead of the 72 virgins the Quran promises us, I only got 55,” said Hayat...

Taylor Swift to Announce Position on Syrian Civil War

Taylor Swift to Announce Position on Syrian Civil War

After finally declaring her intention to vote for Democrats in the 2018 midterms, crossover pop and country star Taylor Swift is expected to shortly announce which side she supports in Syria’s civil war. “In the past I have been reluctant to publicly voice my opinion on Middle Eastern politics, but due to several events in my life and in the Arab world, I feel very differently now,” Swift said in an Instagram post. “I will soon announce who I plan...