Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag

Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag

In a negotiating blunder, US President Donald Trump has agreed to lift all economic sanctions on the North Korean regime and withdraw American troops from the peninsula in exchange for a lifetime supply of North Korean t-shirts, hats and paraphernalia. Reeling from sanctions and fearing a military strike, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un entered the meeting prepared to dismantle his nuclear program, release all political prisoners and allow for democratic elections. Seated across from Trump, Kim began, “In exchange for...

Hamas Officially Changes Name to ‘Unarmed Protestors’

Hamas Officially Changes Name to ‘Unarmed Protestors’

The Palestinian Islamic Resistance Movement, previously known as Hamas, has agreed to change its name to “Unarmed Protestors,” saving scores of newspaper editors and humans rights organizations from being forced to issue corrections. The name change comes after Hamas admitted that most Palestinians killed last week on the Gaza border were members of the militant group, contradicting claims in publications like the Washington Post as well as from politicians including Bernie Sanders. Media and other organizations that had criticized Israel for...

‘And I’m Still Pissed About that Shoe,’ Japanese PM Tells Israel

‘And I’m Still Pissed About that Shoe,’ Japanese PM Tells Israel

With the international community up in arms over the death count in Gaza, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has issued a statement reminding Israel that he has not forgiven its leader for serving dessert in a shoe during a state dinner. “It is distasteful in our culture to wear shoes in the house, and to place one on the dinner table is simply appalling,” Abe said during a UN debate over Israel’s use of force against Palestinians trying to breach...

Palestinians Call Off Protests After Hearing Pastor Jeffress’s Views

Palestinians Call Off Protests After Hearing Pastor Jeffress’s Views

Hamas leaders in Gaza have called off protests against the opening of the US Embassy in Jerusalem after discovering that Pastor Robert Jeffress, who delivered the opening prayer, held similar beliefs to the terror group. “This guy has said that Jews are going to hell, that Hitler was sent by God, and that the Holy Land should never be divided,” Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh told The Mideast Beast. “I can’t believe that we were ever fighting.” After reading about Jeffress’s...

US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot

US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot

The American Left has lost its pre-eminent thinker, as The Atlantic national correspondent Ta-Nehisi Coates has been discovered to be a Russian bot programmed to write 10,000-word essays tying the day’s lead news item to slavery and segregation. “It was quite simple, really,” Alexei Sokolov, a 26-year-old programmer from Novosibirsk, told The Mideast Beast. “We just programmed 15,000 pages of Howard Zinn books into the bot, and trained it to plug in the day’s top trending topic using the linguistic...

Kerry to Help Iran Build Nuclear Weapon Through ‘Shadow Enrichment’

Kerry to Help Iran Build Nuclear Weapon Through ‘Shadow Enrichment’

Vowing to finish what he started as Secretary of State, John Kerry is reportedly studying nuclear fission with the aim of building an atomic bomb for the Iranian regime. After hearing that US President Donald Trump was likely to exit the nuclear deal he helped negotiate, Kerry ordered several textbooks on nuclear physics before booking a one-way ticket to Tehran. The Mideast Beast caught up with Kerry at the Fordow enrichment plant outside Qom, where he was furiously attempting to...

Bowing to Pressure from Women’s March Activist, Starbucks to Ban Jews

Bowing to Pressure from Women’s March Activist, Starbucks to Ban Jews

Yielding to pressure from a handful of anti-Israel activists, Starbucks announced that Jews will no longer be allowed in any of the company’s location. The decision comes after Women’s March organizer Tamika Mallory, a supporter of Nation of Islam founder and noted anti-Semite Louis Farrakhan, tweeted her frustration over having to wait in line behind potential Zionists. “How am I supposed to enjoy my iced Frappuccino not knowing whether one of these dirty Jews is going to gore me with...

ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After ‘Caliphate Correspondents’ Dinner’ Roast

ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After ‘Caliphate Correspondents’ Dinner’ Roast

ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has drawn criticism from across the political spectrum for his performance at the annual Caliphate Correspondents’ Dinner, with many observers calling his speech offensive. Baghdadi’s performance began well, with jokes about his terror group’s diminishing territory. “I know things haven’t been going so well for us recently,” Baghdadi acknowledged. “Even Toys R Us called us to offer condolences.” But when he turned his attention to US President Donald Trump, Baghdadi’s speech turned from light-hearted satire to...

ISIS Plans to Strike US in ‘Operation Loiter in Starbucks’

ISIS Plans to Strike US in ‘Operation Loiter in Starbucks’

In an attack that could cripple the US economy and the American way of life, the Islamic State plans to send terrorists to Starbucks locations across the country and occupy seats without making a purchase. Memos from ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to the group’s US sleeper cells describe the strike as the “9/11 of loitering,” as agents will spend hours in the coffee chain’s most comfortable seats without buying so much as a bottle of water. Not only would...

Natalie Portman Joins BDS, Boycotts Herself

Natalie Portman Joins BDS, Boycotts Herself

Saying that she has finally come around to support the cultural boycott of Israel, Jerusalem-born actress Natalie Portman is reportedly urging fans not to watch any of her movies. The actress, who last week cancelled a trip to Israel in response to the recent conflict on the Gaza border, has gone to great lengths to make sure none of her fans support her movies. “I was about to rent ‘The Phantom Menace’ from a Redbox, and she just appeared out...

Corbyn Holds Memorial for ‘German Reputations’ Lost in Holocaust

Corbyn Holds Memorial for ‘German Reputations’ Lost in Holocaust

As people in Israel, and throughout the world, mark Yom HaShoah, or Holocaust Memorial Day, UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn issued a touching eulogy to the thousands of Germans who saw their reputations suffer under Nazi rule. “We can never forget the terrible tragedy of Europe’s concentration camps, where innocent Germans were verbally attacked simply for doing their jobs,” Corbyn said in a heartfelt speech. “Every citizen of the world can imagine the suffering of these poor guards, scientists and...

Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’

Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’

Warning that their tolerance for the GOP president’s actions has its limits, House and Senate Republicans insisted that the assassination of special counsel Robert Mueller would be “a red line” for the president. “While I believe the investigation into Russian meddling in our election to be baseless, the president should let Mr. Mueller do his job without interference,” House Speaker Paul Ryan said in a statement. “His assassination would draw much concern from Democrats and Republicans alike.” South Carolina Senator...

Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists

Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists

Impressed by reports of Israeli snipers gunning down Palestinian journalists, US President Donald Trump has asked Israel’s government for advice on how to deal with hostile media. “When I so much as hint at offing a nosy reporter or point out that CNN is the enemy of the American people, everyone goes through the roof,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “But those Jews can just pick off whoever they want and get away with it.” Israel has come under fire...

Trump Bans Queen from US Due to Relation to Prophet Muhammed

Trump Bans Queen from US Due to Relation to Prophet Muhammed

Promising to take no chances when it comes to America’s security, US President Donald Trump has banned the UK’s Queen Elizabeth II amid reports that she may be a descendent of Prophet Muhammed. “I am hearing reports, very troubling, that the Queen is actually a Muslim terrorist, and I am issuing a complete ban on the royal family until we can figure out what the hell is going on,” Trump said in a press conference announcing the ban. “I have to...

Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama

Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama

Lamenting that the former first dog did nothing as his owner escalated a campaign of drone strikes and targeted killings, leftist activist Noam Chomsky is calling for Bo Obama to be brought before The Hague for alleged war crimes. “While Barack Obama violated the Geneva Conventions, the 1907 Hague Restrictions and the customary laws of war with his killings of civilians in Pakistan, Yemen, and Somalia, we heard not so much as a bark from his best friend and accomplice,”...

Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules

Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules

Once an outspoken anti-Semite and Holocaust denier, former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced plans to return to Judaism after a group of Conservative rabbis overturned an 800-year ban on eating kitniyot, a group of foods that includes rice, beans and legumes, during Passover. “The only reason I converted to Islam in the first place was because I could never go eight days without bread, rice, beans or corn,” Ahmadinejad told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the they’ve finally changed those...

Biden Vows to Give Assad a ‘Noogie’

Biden Vows to Give Assad a ‘Noogie’

Calling the Syrian strongmen an evil tyrant who desperately needs to be brought to justice, former Vice President Joe Biden has vowed to track down Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and give the Middle Eastern leader a “noogie.” “If we were back in high school, I would find that sucker, put him in a headlock and dig my knuckles into his skull until he cried ‘uncle,’” Biden declared Friday. “And you know what? That is exactly what I’m going to do.”...

Middle Eastern Observers Certify Russian Elections

Middle Eastern Observers Certify Russian Elections

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s landslide re-election complied with international standards, according to election monitors from across the Middle East. “In polling stations throughout the country, Russian voters were free to cast their ballots without fear of intimidation or retribution,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad said in a statement. “Votes were counted thoroughly and accurately by disinterested parties, and the results reflect the will of the people.” Egypt’s Abdel Fattah el-Sisi echoed Assad’s statement, adding that the leadup to the election also...

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Saying that he was determined to prove himself to be the smartest of the president’s children, Eric Trump has released a series of e-mails sent to ISIS leaders begging for a meeting with a senior member of the terror group. “My brother is all over the TV becuz (sic) he got to meeted (sic) with the Russians,” said one e-mail addressed to “Mister Bag Daddy,” an apparent misspelling of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s name. “I have to show dad...

Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran

Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran

In a bold move made in response to President Trump’s upcoming meeting with the North Korean dictator, former Secretary of State John Kerry has demanded Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un turn over all its nuclear weapons to the Islamic Republic of Iran. “If Rocket Man is serious about avoiding war with America, he is going to have to turn over all his nukes to the only person in the world that we can truly trust,” Kerry declared as he boarded a...