Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Virgins Hope They Don’t Get Stuck with Loser Times Square Terrorist

Virgins Hope They Don’t Get Stuck with Loser Times Square Terrorist

Virgins across paradise are praying that Akayed Ullah, who set off a pipe bomb strapped to his chest Monday near New York City’s Times Square, survives his wounds and does not become a martyr after his attack failed to kill any infidels. Since Sharia law dictates that anyone who dies fighting for Islam is awarded 72 virgins, Ullah, who pledged allegiance to ISIS, will be entitled his allotment should he succumb to his wounds. Following the pathetic attack, in which...

Israel to Move Its Embassy from Washington to Mar-A-Lago

Israel to Move Its Embassy from Washington to Mar-A-Lago

In a reciprocal gesture following the US president’s decision to move its embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that his own country’s US embassy will be moved from Washington DC to Mar-a-Lago. The move will bring Israeli diplomats closer to Donald Trump’s “Winter White House,” a Trump-owned Florida resort where the president enjoys meeting with foreign officials. “Just as Jerusalem is the eternal home of the Jewish people, there is no place that more embodies...

US Embassy Staff Riot Over Move to Jerusalem

US Embassy Staff Riot Over Move to Jerusalem

While US President Donald Trump’s decision to recognize Jerusalem as Israel’s capital has yet to ignite the Middle East, the decision has led to protests from embassy staff who complained they had spent months perfecting their “beach bods” for nothing. “[US Secretary of State Rex] Tillerson told me if I went to Israel, I’d be on the beach every day,” (< yup, watch the vid), said one masked embassy official, referring the embassy’s current location on the shore of the...

Saudi Mideast Peace Plan Gives Palestinians State in ‘The Sims’

Saudi Mideast Peace Plan Gives Palestinians State in ‘The Sims’

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and US Mideast envoy Jared Kushner have reached an agreement to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, with Israel keeping all its settlement blocs and the Palestinians receiving an independent state in ‘The Sims’ videogame. The deal, according to sources close to the prince, would see Jerusalem recognized as Israel’s capital, all settlements in the West Bank annexed and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu named as Grand Mufti. The Palestinians, meanwhile, would be awarded sovereignty in...

Trump Drinks Poison After His Twitter Account is Shut Down

Trump Drinks Poison After His Twitter Account is Shut Down

Declaring that he would rather die than see his followers forced to live without his enlightening tweets, US President Donald Trump swallowed a small vile of poison after learning his Twitter account had been deactivated. Trump’s dramatic action took place after the president was rebuked for retweeting anti-Muslim videos posted by a right-wing British activist. When he was unable to login to Twitter, he assumed that the site had once again shut him out, though he later discovered that he...

Iran’s Ayatollah ‘Deeply Honored’ After Saudi Crown Prince Calls Him ‘Hitler’

Iran’s Ayatollah ‘Deeply Honored’ After Saudi Crown Prince Calls Him ‘Hitler’

Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei said he is reconsidering his longstanding hostility towards Saudi Arabia after the Saudi crown prince paid him what he called “the ultimate compliment.” “I am honored and humbled that Mohammed bin Salman has said that I am the new Hitler,” Iran’s Supreme Leader told The Mideast Beast. “This act of friendship by the crown prince has led me to reconsider my distrust of the Saudis and of all Sunni Muslims.” The prince’s comments come amid...

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...

Shiite Muslims Blast Taylor Swift Over Silence on Caliphal Succession

Shiite Muslims Blast Taylor Swift Over Silence on Caliphal Succession

Demanding that the popular country-pop star pick a side, Shiite activists are increasingly calling out Taylor Swift over her silence regarding the rightful succession to the Prophet Muhammad. “Tay Tay never misses a chance to rip Kim and Kanye, but when it comes to Yazid’s murder of Husayn ibn Ali at the Battle of Karbala, all we hear are crickets,” wrote one Shiite magazine contributor. “Taylor is not obligated to be vocal about Middle Eastern sectarian disputes, but her silence...

Roy Moore Banned from Saudi Dating App for Courting Underage Girls

Roy Moore Banned from Saudi Dating App for Courting Underage Girls

In another potential blow to his election campaign, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore has been banned from the Saudi dating website “OK Muhammed” after users reported him for aggressively pursuing underage girls. While Saudi age of consent laws are far more lenient than those in the US, the dating application’s hosts felt that Moore took things a little too far. “We believe that when two people fall in love, small issues such as age and consent, should not get in...

After Joining Paris Agreement, Syria Switches to Eco-Friendly Cluster Bombs

After Joining Paris Agreement, Syria Switches to Eco-Friendly Cluster Bombs

Stressing its commitment to fighting climate change following its signing of the Paris Climate Accords, the Syrian government announced that it will begin using ecologically friendly explosives when cluster-bombing civilians. “Dropping barrel bombs full of pollutants on schools, mosques and hospitals was not just irresponsible. It was flat-out wrong,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad acknowledged. “As Paris Agreement signatories, our massive bombing campaigns will now be carbon neutral.” Syria’s announcement angered US President Donald Trump, who said it has led him...

ISIS Leader Asks, “Why Aren’t They Going After ‘Crooked Saddam’?”

ISIS Leader Asks, “Why Aren’t They Going After ‘Crooked Saddam’?”

Calling the Iraqi-led effort to dislodge his forces from their strongholds a distraction, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi questioned why the army and media were not instead focusing their attention on “crooked Saddam.” “It is so unfair that everyone keeps attacking our caliphate when they should be focusing on Saddam.” Baghdadi said in a barrage of Tweets. “I heard that he was trying to buy uranium from the Russians! Sad!” Speaking to reporters, Baghdadi said he would direct the Iraqi...

Kelly Blasts ISIS and Yazidis for Failing to Compromise

Kelly Blasts ISIS and Yazidis for Failing to Compromise

Saying that the collapse of Iraq could have been avoided if both ISIS and its victims had shown a bit of flexibility, White House chief of staff John Kelly said the rise of ISIS resulted from a “lack of ability to compromise.” “I know that ISIS was pretty unreasonable in believing that they could kill all non-Sunni men and keep all the young Yazidi girls as sex slaves,” Kelly said during an appearance on Laura Ingraham’s radio show Tuesday. “But...

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

American intelligence officials were dismayed to learn that a group of men believed to be moderate Syrian rebels were in fact just ISIS members in Halloween costumes. Hopes were raised when a CIA source spotted a group of military-age males walking into a Damascus-area Starbucks in Western clothing. None of the men were wearing ski masks or carrying scimitars or severed heads, leading officials to believe that the men could be elusive moderate Syrian rebels. Other US intelligence agencies were conferenced...

ISIS Members Demand to Know Why Terrorists are Stationed in Niger

ISIS Members Demand to Know Why Terrorists are Stationed in Niger

Demanding greater transparency from the terror group, rank-and-file ISIS members want to know what ISIS fighters were doing in Niger during a confrontation that killed four US soldiers. “I, like most servants of the Caliphate, was shocked to learn that we were engaged in combat in the country,” one mid-level ISIS official told The Mideast Beast. “Is it not enough that we have troops fighting in Libya, Yemen, Egypt, Algeria and the Caucuses?” Many ISIS sources acknowledged the need for...

ISIS Leader Sits Out Battle for Raqqa with Bone Spurs

ISIS Leader Sits Out Battle for Raqqa with Bone Spurs

Urging his fighters to stand their ground to the last man, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said that he will be forced to sit out the apocalyptic battle for the salvation of the caliphate due to severe bone spurs. “I wish that I could be on the front lines with my fellow mujahedeen, fearlessly embracing martyrdom,” al-Baghdadi said in a message broadcast to ISIS members. “Unfortunately, a moderate case of bone spurs has caused discomfort and tenderness, so I will...

Trump: Before 1867, US Presidents Didn’t Bother to Call Soldiers’ Families

Trump: Before 1867, US Presidents Didn’t Bother to Call Soldiers’ Families

Defending his silence regarding the killings of four Green Berets in Niger, US President Donald Trump noted that before 1867, his predecessors did not even bother to call the families of fallen soldiers. “Okay, so I haven’t gotten around to calling the families of the fallen Green Berets, or the Navy SEAL killed in Yemen, but so what?” Trump said in a press conference. “The first 18 presidents never phoned a single grieving relative.” Trump initially claimed that President Obama...

UNESCO Responds to US Exit with 77 Anti-Israel Resolutions

UNESCO Responds to US Exit with 77 Anti-Israel Resolutions

A meeting held by UNESCO’s General Conference to address President Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the agency ended with the conference passing nearly 80 resolutions condemning Israel and the Jewish people. “We really aren’t sure how it happened,” Director-General Irina Bokova admitted. “We opened up the debate to discuss the loss of US support, and the next thing I know we’ve passed 12 resolutions condemning the Jews for the Holocaust.” While UNESCO’s stated mission is to promote peace...

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Stepping up US support for efforts to overthrow the Assad regime, the Trump administration announced that it has begun distributing paper towels to anti-government forces. The decision came after the president received praise for his response to Hurricane Maria’s devastation, showing up two weeks after the storm hit and dramatically throwing paper towels to people in hurricane relief centers. In a series of tweets on Sunday, Trump said he will look to replicate this success in other policy areas. “Everyone...

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

Taking the unusual step of defending its sworn enemy, the Islamic Republic of Iran has called a recent NRA advertisement “a bit dark” for its dystopic portrayal of the United States. “Listen, we eagerly await the destruction of the Great Satan as much as anybody, and we believe America is the cause of all the world’s evil,” Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, told The Mideast Beast. “But the NRA goes a bit overboard. I mean, things can’t be that...

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our backs on such a tragedy,” Assad said after reading about the 2015 Tyrone shooting, then the Charleston church shooting that...