Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Israel Regrets Hiring Jeffrey Epstein’s Prison Guards
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Israel Regrets Hiring Jeffrey Epstein’s Prison Guards

The Israel Prison Service is facing tough questions over its decision to hire the guards tasked with monitoring Jeffrey Epstein to protect six Palestinian prisoners. The guards, Tova Noel and Michael Thomas, had been assigned to protect Epstein when the financier and convicted sex offender was found dead in his cell in August 2019. Speaking on the condition of anonymity,...

Taliban Leader Wears ‘Death to the West’ Tux to Met Gala
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Taliban Leader Wears ‘Death to the West’ Tux to Met Gala

Taliban leader Abdul Ghani Baradar has received both praise and accusations of hypocrisy after photos emerged of the militant wearing a “Death to the West” tuxedo while appearing at the star-studded Met Gala in New York City. Baradar, who flew in for the event on a UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter, used the $35,000-per-ticket celebration to rail against America’s materialistic capitalism....

Taliban Appoints Carole Baskin Defense Secretary
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Taliban Appoints Carole Baskin Defense Secretary

Hopes that the Taliban would show a gentler, less evil face their second time in power were dashed Wednesday, as the Afghan militant group appointed alleged murderer and Tiger King star Carole Baskin to lead the military. Baskin, who is suspected of killing her husband and feeding him to tigers in 1997, said she will show mercy to resistance fighters...

‘I Was on Ambien When I Pulled Out of Afghanistan,’ Biden Says
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‘I Was on Ambien When I Pulled Out of Afghanistan,’ Biden Says

Seeking to deflect blame for the disastrous US withdrawal from Afghanistan, President Joe Biden now says he had taken the sleeping aid Ambien before planning the hasty withdrawal from the country. “I’m not heartless, just an idiot,” Biden tweeted. “I mixed up my pills before meeting with the generals about Afghanistan and took Ambien instead of my Donepezil. By the...

Taliban Defeated After Leader Dies in ‘Milk Crate Challenge’
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Taliban Defeated After Leader Dies in ‘Milk Crate Challenge’

In a dramatic reversal of fortunes, the Taliban regime in Afghanistan has collapsed after Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar fell to his death while attempting the “Milk Crate Challenge” now popular on TikTok. Baradar announced plans to attempt the challenge, which involves climbing a pyramid of stacked milk crates, after triumphantly entering Kabul following the Taliban’s capture of the...

Looking to Solidify Superpower Status, China Set to Occupy Afghanistan
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Looking to Solidify Superpower Status, China Set to Occupy Afghanistan

Declaring it a sacred tradition his country is proud to inherit, Chinese President Xi Jinping announced Friday his military is preparing for an invasion and a minimum decade-long occupation of Afghanistan. The announcement came after President Biden announced a full troop withdrawal and an end to the U.S.’s “forever war” in the country last month. “As a rising superpower, we...

Iran Denies Calling Off Nuclear Talks amid Obama Birthday Party Snub
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Iran Denies Calling Off Nuclear Talks amid Obama Birthday Party Snub

TEHRAN — Iran’s Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei vigorously denied pulling out of Nuclear Talks with the US after being disinvited to former President Barack Obama’s 60th birthday party on Martha’s Vineyard. “That had nothing to do with it,” fumed the fiery spiritual leader, still wearing his ‘Shi’ite Chic’ chocolate chiffon robe and a turban festooned with images of a smiling...

All Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure
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All Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure

President Joe Biden’s bipartisan infrastructure bill has successfully passed a major obstacle as a result of a sudden and unexpected move: every single last Republican has thrown its support behind the infra package. The Mideast Beast has learned that it was the specific clarification that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” will be included in Biden’s expansive definition of infrastructure...

Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats
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Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats

PHOENIX, ARIZONA — Donald Trump has issued a statement acknowledging Joe Biden as the legitimate winner of the 2020 presidential election, with the former president delivering a giant wooden horse (painted in gold color of course) to the US Capitol as a peace offering for good measure. The move came as a surprise to Biden and Congressional leaders, who arrived...

Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Dairy Enrichment Plant
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Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Dairy Enrichment Plant

Calling the ice cream manufacturer an “existential threat” to the Jewish state – a phrase rarely ever used in Israeli political discourse – Israeli opposition leader and former prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called for air strikes against the Ben & Jerry’s dairy enrichment plant in Waterbury, Vermont. Netanyahu urged the US, which has more advanced technology and more powerful...