Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Following Launch of Israeli Spacecraft, Roger Waters Announces Boycott of the Moon

Following Launch of Israeli Spacecraft, Roger Waters Announces Boycott of the Moon

With the launch of Israel’s Beresheet spacecraft, a bid to make it the fourth country to land on the lunar surface, Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters is now urging his fans to boycott the moon. Waters says that people should make all efforts possible to avoid looking at the moon, reading about the moon or even saying the word “moon.” He has further demanded that the name of Pink Floyd’s eighth studio album be changed to “The Dark Side of...

‘Couldn’t You Have Said It Was Us?’ al Qaeda Asks Smollett

‘Couldn’t You Have Said It Was Us?’ al Qaeda Asks Smollett

With ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett facing charges over allegedly filing a false police report, Islamist terrorist group al Qaeda has questioned why the actor did not blame them for the reported attack. “All he had to do was say, ‘Yea, I was attacked on the street by two men. They were wearing keffiyehs and shouting Allahu Akbar,’’ al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri explained in a Tweet. “We would have claimed responsibility, there would be no police investigation, and all of a...

Ilhan Omar Apologizes, Had No Idea ‘Kikey McJewface’ was Offensive

Ilhan Omar Apologizes, Had No Idea ‘Kikey McJewface’ was Offensive

Freshman Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is once again apologizing for what some have called anti-Semitic remarks, saying that she did not know the term ‘Kikey McJewface’ was considered offensive. “I am always willing to learn from my mistakes, and I now understand that this term has triggered some sensitivities among my Jewish colleagues and constituents,” Omar, who used the slur towards CNN analyst Fareed Zakaria after he wrote a column highlighting anti-Semitism in the Muslim world, tweeted. “At the same time, I...

Amazon Chooses Saudi Arabia for Second Headquarters

Amazon Chooses Saudi Arabia for Second Headquarters

A week after cancelling its plan to build its second headquarters in Long Island City, Amazon announced that it will instead build HQ2 in Saudi Arabia, where it will be free from media scrutiny and grassroots political opposition. “We just can’t risk taking the time and expense to work out an elaborate deal with a mayor, governor or Prime Minister only to have it blown up by a handful of protestors or a bartender on Twitter,” Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos...

Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour

Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is taking the Fight for $15 to the Caliphate, demanding that the Islamic State pay a living wage to its mujahedeen in Iraq and Syria. “These fighters work very hard, very long hours, in a very dangerous job, and yet they are paid peanuts while the Caliph and those around him live very comfortably,” Sanders said in a stump speech in Aleppo. “It is not fair that the top 1 percent of ISIS officials get 83...

Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism

Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism

In a bold plan aimed at degrading the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, actress and activist Jenny McCarthy has proposed vaccinating ISIS members in hopes of giving the jihadi fighters autism. “While vaccines are too dangerous to give our children, there’s no better way to fight the Islamic State than to make sure all their fighters are vaccinated,” McCarthy told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, a handful of their fighters may be saved from measles or polio, but the thousands of...

Anti-Semites Fear Ilhan Omar is Using Anti-Semitic Tropes at Unsustainable Rate

Anti-Semites Fear Ilhan Omar is Using Anti-Semitic Tropes at Unsustainable Rate

Warning that the Congresswoman was on course to burn through all major Jewish stereotypes in her first year in office, a number of prominent bigots have urged Minnesota Democrat Ilhan Omar to pace herself in her use of anti-Semitic dog whistles. The warnings came after Omar was forced to apologize for implying that members of Congress support Israel due to payoffs from pro-Israel lobbyists, deploying the “rich Jews run the world stereotype.” This came just weeks after she apologized for...

After Conversion, Israel Now Focusing Diaspora Outreach Solely on Jenna Jameson

After Conversion, Israel Now Focusing Diaspora Outreach Solely on Jenna Jameson

The Mideast Beast has learned that after former adult film actress-turned-entrepreneur, Jenna Jameson, told reporters she converted to Judaism the Israeli government has announced it will redeploy all its resources to convince the former porn star to move to the Holy Land. “Previously, our diaspora outreach program aimed at appealing to a broad swath of Jews in Europe, the United States and the former Soviet Union,” noted ultra-nationalist Israeli Minister Naftali Bennett. Speaking to the Mideast Beast, Bennet said, “Now, however, we...

Howard Schultz Moves to Syria to Launch Moderate Rebel Group

Howard Schultz Moves to Syria to Launch Moderate Rebel Group

Criticizing what he sees as extremism on both sides of the Syrian Civil War, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has moved to Damascus and plans to launch a moderate militia to compete with both the Assad regime and ISIS. “It really feels like everyone in this conflict is either a genocidal dictator or a radical jihadi. What happened to all the moderate rebels?” Schultz asked. “Most of the population doesn’t like Assad or ISIS and is looking for someone moderate, like...

Mideast Groundhog Sees Shadow, Signaling Six More Generations of War

Mideast Groundhog Sees Shadow, Signaling Six More Generations of War

In a disappointing development for residents of the region, the Middle Eastern version of Groundhog Day ended with the groundhog seeing his shadow, an indicator that six more generations of war are ahead. Thousands of onlookers from across the Arabian Peninsula and beyond gathered in Mecca to watch Bunxsutawney Bill come out of his burrow, hoping he would usher in an era of peace. But the rodent soon scurried back into his hole, meaning the Mideast can expect at least...

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...

ISIS Promises Virginia Gov. 72 Virgins for Passing Abortion Law

ISIS Promises Virginia Gov. 72 Virgins for Passing Abortion Law

Calling him a leader in the war against infidels, the Islamic State has promised 72 virgins in for Virginia Governor Ralph Northam if he signs legislation allowing abortion until the moment of birth. “For years we have been enthusiastic about killing Americans, and we are thrilled to find that Emir Northam shares our passion,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said. “Just like any warrior who slays the enemies of Islam, Allah will reward him in the afterlife.” Baghdadi also promised...

Taliban Looks to Hire Pelosi to Lead Peace Talks with US

Taliban Looks to Hire Pelosi to Lead Peace Talks with US

After watching US President Donald Trump cave in his demand for a border wall to re-open the US government, the Taliban are desperately trying to recruit House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to lead upcoming peace talks. The Afghani terror group has reportedly offered to make Pelosi the first female Caliph and award her a 50% cut of Afghanistan’s opium revenues if she agrees to sit across from Trump during the peace talks. “This woman made the leader of the infidels accept...

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ATLANTA — Authorities in Atlanta have uncovered the largest ISIS sleeper cell ever found on US soil, with the terror outpost found in R&B star Robert “R.” Kelly’s basement. Detectives say R. Kelly had been using his uplifting lyrics and seductive voice to draw in and brainwash recruits, even recording reworked classics such as “Trapped in the Caliph’s Closet”, “Behead and Grind” and “I Believe I Can Fly…..This Hijacked Plane.” He would meet aspiring artists at his concerts, and recruit them...

ISIS Announces Terrorist Plot to Wear Red Hats, Smirk

ISIS Announces Terrorist Plot to Wear Red Hats, Smirk

In an attack they say will shake the nation to its core, the Islamic State promised to infiltrate the US wearing red hats and stand in public venues while smirking. The plan was revealed after Covington Catholic High School student Nick Sandmann’s appearance in a “Make America Great Again” hat at a March for Life rally in Washington DC led to widespread pandemonium and acrimony across the country. “For years, we’ve worked tirelessly to execute the perfect attack that will kill...

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

After reading several books touting conspiracy theories, former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden spent his last days in his compound in Pakistan questioning not only the U.S. government’s version of 9/11 but his own role in the 2001 attacks, newly released documents show. Among the books bin Laden kept in his Abbottabad compound was David Ray Griffin’s “The New Pearl Harbor,” which claims that the Twin Towers were not brought down by planes and that 9/11 was a “False...

Hamas Distances Itself from Women’s March Over Anti-Semitism Concerns

Hamas Distances Itself from Women’s March Over Anti-Semitism Concerns

The Palestinian militant movement Hamas is the latest group to disavow its support for the Women’s March over concerns of anti-Semitism, declining to take part in this weekend’s protests. The decision came after Tamika Mallory refused to condemn remarks by Louis Farrakhan comparing Jews to Satan. “We hate Jews too, but we still think there is such thing as going overboard,” Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh told The Mideast Beast. “Just because they both have horns, it doesn’t make the Jews...

ISIS Abandons Jihad After Seeing Gillette Ad on Toxic Masculinity

ISIS Abandons Jihad After Seeing Gillette Ad on Toxic Masculinity

Islamic State fighters announced plans to lay down their arms Tuesday after an ad by the shaving product brand Gillette convinced them their efforts to re-establish the Caliphate were the result of toxic masculinity. “I never thought twice about decapitating human rights workers, blowing up Shiite mosques or keeping young Yazidi girls as sex slaves, because I was always told that was just the way guys were supposed to act,” said former Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who since quitting jihad has...

Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets

Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets

Claiming that the Russian strongman had promised an exclusive relationship, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly heartbroken to learn that Vladimir Putin has another asset. “I thought that what Vladimir and I had was special, and that carpet-bombing my enemies to oblivion was his way of saying, ‘I love you,’” a teary-eyed Assad told The Mideast Beast after seeing reports that US President Donald Trump is also a Russian asset. “I guess he just goes around dropping his bombs in...

Netanyahu Demands a Wall Outside Prosecutor’s Office

Netanyahu Demands a Wall Outside Prosecutor’s Office

In a dramatic address Tuesday night, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said he will shut down his country’s government unless lawmakers approve a concrete wall between his offices and the state attorney general. Standing outside the AG’s office in Jerusalem, Netanyahu claimed the wall was needed to stop a caravan of investigators seeking to harass Israeli citizens with  charges of corruption. “Without this wall, none of Israel’s citizens are safe from overzealous prosecutors looking to drive them from the prime...