Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

ISIS Abandons Jihad After Seeing Gillette Ad on Toxic Masculinity

ISIS Abandons Jihad After Seeing Gillette Ad on Toxic Masculinity

Islamic State fighters announced plans to lay down their arms Tuesday after an ad by the shaving product brand Gillette convinced them their efforts to re-establish the Caliphate were the result of toxic masculinity. “I never thought twice about decapitating human rights workers, blowing up Shiite mosques or keeping young Yazidi girls as sex slaves, because I was always told that was just the way guys were supposed to act,” said former Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who since quitting jihad has...

Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets

Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets

Claiming that the Russian strongman had promised an exclusive relationship, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly heartbroken to learn that Vladimir Putin has another asset. “I thought that what Vladimir and I had was special, and that carpet-bombing my enemies to oblivion was his way of saying, ‘I love you,’” a teary-eyed Assad told The Mideast Beast after seeing reports that US President Donald Trump is also a Russian asset. “I guess he just goes around dropping his bombs in...

Netanyahu Demands a Wall Outside Prosecutor’s Office

Netanyahu Demands a Wall Outside Prosecutor’s Office

In a dramatic address Tuesday night, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said he will shut down his country’s government unless lawmakers approve a concrete wall between his offices and the state attorney general. Standing outside the AG’s office in Jerusalem, Netanyahu claimed the wall was needed to stop a caravan of investigators seeking to harass Israeli citizens with  charges of corruption. “Without this wall, none of Israel’s citizens are safe from overzealous prosecutors looking to drive them from the prime...

Trump to Demolish Rep. Tlaib’s Home Following Profane Outburst

Trump to Demolish Rep. Tlaib’s Home Following Profane Outburst

Calling the action “the only effective deterrent against this behavior,” President Trump has ordered the National Guard to demolish the home of Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib following her use of profanity and threat to remove him from office. Tlaib, a Palestinian-American elected to Congress in November, told a group of supporters that Democrats would “impeach the motherfucker,” referring to Trump. Her comments earned scorn from Republicans and irked Democrats who sought to downplay talks of impeachment. Within hours of her comments,...

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Saying that the first-century preacher and possible messiah has been treated “very unfairly,” US President Donald Trump acknowledged that he is considering a pardon for Jesus Christ. “These Byzantines (sic) were really bad hombres, and they really treated this Jesus Christ guy very unfairly,” Trump said in a Tweet. “A lot of people don’t know this, but he was crucified by Puny Pontius Pilate. Sad!” Trump added that Christ is finally beginning to get recognition. The president was informed of...

Warren to Campaign in Burqa After Learning She is 1/1024th Middle Eastern

Warren to Campaign in Burqa After Learning She is 1/1024th Middle Eastern

US Senator Elizabeth Warren announced the launch of her 2020 presidential campaign while donning a full burqa, an Islamic garment which covers a woman’s body and face, after a DNA test showed that she is nearly 0.1% Middle Eastern. Warren’s surprising move came after the senator and presidential candidate backed away from claims of Native American ancestry. Instead, Warren will now focus on her one great-great-great-great grandparent believed to be from the Islamic world in order to claim the status of...

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

In a rare call for restraint from the terrorist group, ISIS’ leadership has criticized the UK’s Labour party for its anti-Semitic rhetoric, calling recent comments and online posts from the party’s leaders “a bit much.” “Listen, we hate the Jews as much as anyone, but you can’t just go around calling for Israel to be relocated to America, or saying Hitler was a Zionist,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “You have to show some sensitivity. Hell,...

ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

Santa Claus is being held by ISIS fighters in Raqqa, as the Islamic State is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS fighter in a video delivered to Al Jazeera’s North Pole correspondent. “Every year of my childhood, I left out a class of goat’s milk and a serving of baklava hoping he would,...

Trump Asks ISIS to Pay for Mexican Border Wall

Trump Asks ISIS to Pay for Mexican Border Wall

Growing increasingly desperate after Democrats refused to budget funding for his proposed wall on the Mexican border, US President Donald Trump has asked ISIS to pay for the wall. The request was revealed by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who posted a voicemail from Trump on his Facebook page. “Listen, Apu (sic), I really need you to send me about $5 billion to build this wall or I’m going to be in some real trouble. Actually, they already raised about...

Trump Eyes Yair Netanyahu for Chief of Staff

Trump Eyes Yair Netanyahu for Chief of Staff

In yet another administration shake-up, US President Donald Trump has been eyeing Yair Netanyahu – son of Israel’s prime minister – to be his new chief of staff after Yair said on Facebook he’d prefer if “all the Muslims leave” Israel. “Finally, someone who is not afraid to say exactly what I’m thinking,” Trump remarked after being read the 27-year-old Netanyahu’s Facebook post. “[Recently-appointed acting chief of staff] Mick Mulvaney, you’re fired! I found a new best people.” “When I...

ISIS Bans ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ for Not Being Rapey Enough

ISIS Bans ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ for Not Being Rapey Enough

With just weeks until Christmas, the Islamic State has officially banned the popular holiday song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” due to concerns that the song promotes men asking women for consent. “The man in the song repeatedly begs the woman to stay with him overnight instead of simply throwing a burlap sack over her head and declaring her his wife,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said in a statement announcing the ban. “That is not a message we want to...

Twelve Killed in Mecca During Annual ‘MuhammadCon’ Bar Crawl

Twelve Killed in Mecca During Annual ‘MuhammadCon’ Bar Crawl

In one of the deadliest pub crawls so far this holiday season, 12 people were killed and hundreds injured during Mecca’s annual ‘MuhammadCon’ celebration. The event, in which hundreds of Muslims hit the town dressed as their favorite prophet, has generally turned into a night of public intoxication and drunken rowdiness, much like SantaCon in the US and the Vatican’s ChristCon. Brawls between robe-clad partiers are common and frequently spill over into the streets. “It is the one time of year that...

Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval

Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval

JERUSALEM — In his latest response to the UN Security Council’s resolution condemning his county’s settlement activity, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has broken off all diplomatic relations with the city of Tel Aviv. “No one will tell us where Jews can or cannot build homes – not the UN, and certainly not those smug Tel Aviv liberals,” Netanyahu said in a statement announcing his latest move. “If these Israelis consider themselves real Jews, they should move to Amona [a...

Ocasio-Cortez Blasts Maccabees for Using Oil Instead of Renewables

Ocasio-Cortez Blasts Maccabees for Using Oil Instead of Renewables

Calling for a government ban on Hanukkah celebrations, Congresswoman-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez blasted the Maccabees for using oil instead of wind or solar power to light their menorah. Hanukkah celebrates the Maccabees – a group of rebel Jewish warriors in the second century BC – rededicating the Second Temple in Jerusalem and making one day’s worth of ritual olive oil burn for eight nights. The incoming congresswoman, however, tweeted that the Maccabees “are clearly in the pockets of big oil” and...

Trump Demands Khashoggi’s Death Certificate

Trump Demands Khashoggi’s Death Certificate

Once again questioning his intelligence community’s conclusions on the killing, US President Donald Trump is now demanding to see slain journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s death certificate. “Listen, if this Jamal guy wants to prove he was murdered by the Saudis, then he should just show us his death certificate,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “If he can’t then he isn’t dead, which means he couldn’t have been killed by the Saudis.” Trump said he had sent a team to Hawaii to...

Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children

Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children

Santa Claus will be switching to natural gas to put in naughty children’s stockings this Christmas, as the low cost of the gas due to fracking has made coal economically inviable. “While coal has been my preference for punishing bad children for two millennia, I cannot ignore how economic trends impact our bottom line,” Claus told The Mideast Beast. “The low price and abundance of natural gas make it a natural transition.” Santa also considered instead purchasing crude oil from...

Marc Lamont Hill Calls for Jewish Homeland in the Mediterranean Sea

Marc Lamont Hill Calls for Jewish Homeland in the Mediterranean Sea

Defending himself against accusations of anti-Semitism after calling for a Palestine “from the river to the sea,” former CNN analyst Marc Lamont Hill now says he welcomes a Jewish homeland at the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea. “In calling for the elimination of all Jews between the Jordan River and the Mediterranean, I am endorsing a Jewish presence in the sea, in the river, or anyplace else where they won’t bother any Palestinians,” Hill said in an op-ed. “It deeply...

ISIS Disappointed to Find Few Middle Easterners in Caravan

ISIS Disappointed to Find Few Middle Easterners in Caravan

With a caravan of Latin American migrants finally reaching the US border, leaders of the Syria-based terrorist group ISIS are reportedly disappointed to see few potential supporters in the group. “We were so excited when Supreme Leader Trump promised that there were criminals and unknown Middle Easterners making their way into the land of the infidels,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said. “We thought when these mujahedeen finally made it to the border, there would be jihad all over the place.”...

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus, most...

Khashoggi Probably Not a Real Person, Trump Says

Khashoggi Probably Not a Real Person, Trump Says

In another effort to absolve the Saudi regime of the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, US President Donald Trump now says that the Washington Post journalist was “probably not even a real person anyway.” “Listen, we have no proof that this Jamal Pierogi (sic) guy even existed,” Trump said after the CIA released a report concluding that Khashoggi did exist and that his murder was ordered by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. “I mean, maybe he was and maybe he...