Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

Next Presidential Address Scheduled for Cave in Tora Bora

Next Presidential Address Scheduled for Cave in Tora Bora

White House officials have confirmed that further Presidential addresses to the nation will be held from a remote cave complex deep in the Afghan mountains. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders commented, “As the President has mentioned several times on Twitter over the last days he is pretty much the only one left in the White House. Really at this point it’s just him, Stephen Miller, and a short order chef. And he’s found the isolation invigorating`. But he knows he can...

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syrians have reacted angrily to a World Happiness Report that places them as only the fourth saddest place in the world, trailing Tanzania, Burundi and the Central African Republic. A spokesman for the Syrian government commented, “Tanzania has the Serengeti for fuck’s sake. How can you be sad when you’ve got lions to look at? I think we had some lions in the Damascus zoo, but we ate them. Doesn’t get sadder than that.” The disbelief is shared on all sides...

Syria Just a Tad Uncomfortable with Americans Still ‘Hanging Around’

Syria Just a Tad Uncomfortable with Americans Still ‘Hanging Around’

Syria has confessed that it is finding it a bit creepy that America hasn’t followed through with its intention to head home following what was supposed to be a long weekend stay but has gone on just a little bit too long for comfort. “Don’t get us wrong, it’s been great having them here. They make a lot less mess than the Turks. But once we heard that they had beaten ISIS, great news by the way, and we don’t...

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities admit that they find it difficult to tell the difference between gay men and ISIS members. One puzzled Egyptian Border guard said, “it’s harder to tell the difference than you might think. We were responding to reports of a bunch of men infiltrating our country via the Nile. It didn’t seem unreasonable to think they might have floated around from the coast of Syria, as those Zionists are notoriously relaxed about such activities.” “When we arrived on the scene we...

Israel Defense Forces Agree to Adopt Bow and Arrows

Israel Defense Forces Agree to Adopt Bow and Arrows

After confirming that security forces in Cameroon killed a potential suicide bomber with a poisoned arrow, Colonel Bill Giles of the IDF’s Novel and Interesting Weapons Department, has confirmed that they will be testing the idea from next month. “To be frank we’re fed up with the international criticism that follows when we don’t give rockets a fighting chance to land on something important. So the new trial will have some of our soldiers with the strongest wrist action lined up on...

SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The elite operators of SEAL Team Six have reportedly been deployed to the downtown Washington area in an attempt to track down an individual holed up in a confined space and raging against the injustices of the Western world. The special forces unit best known for bringing bin Laden to justice were apparently brought in as one of the final acts of outgoing Secretary of Defense, General Mattis. A spokesperson for the unit commented, “When ‘Mad Dog’ calls, we answer....

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS/ISIS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...

Israeli-Palestinian Consortium to Sell Trump Wall

Israeli-Palestinian Consortium to Sell Trump Wall

A Jerusalem-based joint venture has entered talks with the Trump administration to sell it the West Bank wall. The initiative follows repeated assertions by the President on Twitter that the wall is 99.9% effective. A spokesman for ‘Jew-Pal Barriers’ stated, “We don’t want to encourage cultural stereotypes, but apparently the guy is willing to pay $5 billion for this thing. And that buys a lot of goodwill, if you know what I mean.” “Don’t get me a wrong it’s a...

Drones for Everyone: IDF and Hamas Join Forces This Christmas

Drones for Everyone: IDF and Hamas Join Forces This Christmas

As Christmas has arrived, it’s the gift that everyone is hoping will be under the tree. And, it’s all part of an exciting new joint business venture from the IDF and Hamas who intend to take full advantage of all those godless heathens (sorry, ‘Christians’). Head of Holiday Electronics at the IDF, Colonel Dudu Climaxky, explained more. “I was checking out Amazon last week for a Secret Santa gift for this one Christian kid in the unit, and I discovered that...

President Trump: “Is Syria Even a Real Place?”

President Trump: “Is Syria Even a Real Place?”

President Trump has brought into question the entire existence of a country called ‘Syria’. “I mean I know the most about Geography, no one knows more. And I’ve never seen the place myself. ‘Whining Brett McGurk‘ says he’s been there. But he’s an Obama supporter so why should I trust him?” “I’ve travelled the most of any President, Mar A Lago, Bedminster, Mar A Lago again. And I don’t remember even coming close to a place called ‘Syria’. I mean...

General Flynn Invited to Saudi Consulate

General Flynn Invited to Saudi Consulate

Former National Security Adviser, General Michael Flynn, has received a last-minute invitation to attend the Saudi Arabian consulate in New York. “It really came out of the blue”, commented his lead defense attorney. “We were just in a huddle working out how we were going to avoid Mike becoming the prison ‘hand me round’ for the next five years, when we were passed a note with a personal invitation from the Crown Prince. We don’t know what it could be...

Opening 4,000-Year-Old Tomb Probably Best Option Agree Peace Experts

Opening 4,000-Year-Old Tomb Probably Best Option Agree Peace Experts

Regional peace experts have concluded that at this point opening a 4,000-year-old undisturbed Egyptian tomb is probably the worlds least bad option for regional stability. “We’ve all seen the movies and read the prophecies”, commented Dr Adam Goldberg of the Israeli Institute for Arcane Weird Ass Shit. “And let’s face it, waking up a millennia-old evil mummy with supernatural powers to control the undead, would on the face of it, be an ever so slight improvement on the current mess....

Turkey Apologizes for Lack of Commitment to Syrian Violence

Turkey Apologizes for Lack of Commitment to Syrian Violence

Turkey has admitted publicly its failure to keep the good times going in Syria and has committed to another invasion some time before Christmas. A statement from the government read, “Totally our bad, we took our eye off the ball on this one. We had somehow assumed that between the Americans, Russians, Kurds, half a dozen other separatist groups and Bashar al-Assad, that a decent level of bloodshed would have been achieved. We were wrong.” “But we intend to rectify...

ISIS Blames Low Poll Numbers on “Terrorist Harassment”

ISIS Blames Low Poll Numbers on “Terrorist Harassment”

An ISIS spokesman today complained that only a constant pattern of “fake news” was holding their global poll numbers down in what he called “terrorist harassment”. “We’re just doing all these amazing things around worldwide jihad. Chopping off heads, blowing shit up, keeping the infidels in a constant state of panic. But we just constantly struggle to get our numbers above 50%. We blame the Western media with their constant barrage of articles suggesting that mass carnage and bloodshed are ‘a...

Prince bin Salman to Senator Graham, “Well You’d Know What ‘Crazy’ Fucking Looks Like”

Prince bin Salman to Senator Graham, “Well You’d Know What ‘Crazy’ Fucking Looks Like”

The Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia has expressed some surprise that South Carolina Senator, Lindsey Graham, couldn’t think of anyone closer to home that was “crazy and dangerous.” “Really, really? No one springs to mind? No one just down the street from you? Big guy tweets a lot. Ringing any bells?” “Mohammed give me strength. Look, yes, it may or may not be true that I may or may not have given the green light to sticking a US resident...

Experts Confirm War in Yemen Would Worsen with Fewer Bombs

Experts Confirm War in Yemen Would Worsen with Fewer Bombs

Analysts have agreed with the views of Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, that cutting off the supply of American high explosives to the Saudi Air Force would make the lives of Yemeni civilians immeasurably less bearable. A spokesman for the Department of Defense commented, “You have to understand the average Yemeni now has very little access to free entertainment. The excitement and wonder caused by the sudden roar of a fighter-bomber overhead coupled with the...

White House Confirms First Thanksgiving Saudi Prince Pardon

White House Confirms First Thanksgiving Saudi Prince Pardon

The White House today announced the start of a new tradition for this holiday season with Sarah Sanders stating, “President Trump knows that the American people elected him to transform this country, and what better place to continue that journey than by vastly improving our traditions. So, starting this holiday he will be picking one member of the Saudi Royal Family to receive a very special gift: a full Presidential pardon, for any crimes they may, or we must stress very...

Don Jr. Offers to Listen to Killing Tape for Dad

Don Jr. Offers to Listen to Killing Tape for Dad

President Trump’s eldest child stepped in over the weekend, offering to listen to the tape supplied by the Turkish security services of the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. A White House insider commented, “His dad didn’t want to listen on account of it being a ‘suffering tape, a terrible tape’, but Junior was all like, ‘it’s cool, I can listen while I’m in the gym getting my six pack in shape.’” “So far, we think he’s listened to it over...

Lamb Confirmed as Khashoggi Killer

Lamb Confirmed as Khashoggi Killer

Saudi authorities have announced that after a thorough investigation of the killing of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi, that they have identified a young sheep as 100% to blame. A government spokesman commented, “He might look harmless, all cute and fluffy. But don’t fall for it, he’s in fact a stone-cold killer. Case closed, nothing more to see here. We will be executing him swiftly and then coincidently enjoying a delicious BBQ.”” The lamb has so far denied everything, “I wasn’t even...

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep the Jewish People safe from a bunch of anti-tank wielding fanatics and what thanks do I get?” “Sweet fuck all!...