Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities admit that they find it difficult to tell the difference between gay men and ISIS members. One puzzled Egyptian Border guard said, “it’s harder to tell the difference than you might think. We were responding to reports of a bunch of men infiltrating our country via the Nile. It didn’t seem unreasonable to think they might have floated around from the coast of Syria, as those Zionists are notoriously relaxed about such activities.” “When we arrived on the scene we...

Israeli Military Thrilled That Iran is Stepping Up

Israeli Military Thrilled That Iran is Stepping Up

The Israel Defense Force (IDF) is reportedly giddy with excitement that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard is putting on its big boy shoes and coming out to play. As rockets rained down on the Golan Heights, soldiers were seen high-fiving each other whilst applying ‘Next Stop Tehran’ stickers to the turrets of their tanks. A senior officer commented, “We’ve checked Google Maps this morning, and it seems a pretty straight forward route. We anticipate some delays around the Baghdad ring road, but only...

IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’

IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’

JERUSALEM — In the latest attempt to prevent any further fighting in the north and in the south, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) has been authorized to conduct ‘Operation Dictionary’. Guaranteed to delight definition-loving Hamas and Hezbollah fighters, The Mideast Beast has learned that Israeli forces will begin carpet bombing the areas with the books starting 07:00 tomorrow. Each specially designed low-drag, English-Arabic edition will come with a bookmark in the C-section with the word “ceasefire” highlighted in green marker pen. RELATED: IDF Hands Out...

Parkland Crisis Actors Demanding Double Time for Syria Work

Parkland Crisis Actors Demanding Double Time for Syria Work

The Parkland professional acting troop, unofficial motto, “You Shoot, We Cry”, have been in talks through their agents on requiring extensive overtime payments for their recent work in Douma, Syria. A spokesperson for the group commented, “We’ve been flat out these past weeks and we simply feel that our commitment to our craft needs to be recognized by our Zionist/Anti 2A/Deep State masters”. “Frankly, being required to jet over to Syria on short notice to roll around in the rubble...

Comey Not in Syria

Comey Not in Syria

Reports in from the overnight strikes on Syria have confirmed that James Comey was not hit. The Mideast Beast understands that President Trump authorized the attacks after reading a later-deleted tweet from the Fox and Friends account stating that the former FBI Director would be kicking off his book tour in Damascus. The tweet did not make clear that this would be Damascus, Virginia. Meanwhile, air defenses over Iran were reportedly on high alert following a favorable Yelp review by...

IDF Confirms: “We Shoot Kids Just to Keep the Debate Going”

IDF Confirms: “We Shoot Kids Just to Keep the Debate Going”

An IDF spokesperson has confirmed that they only use live rounds when they feel things have become a little too comfortable. “We’ve got a friend in the White House who’s one tweet away from leveling Tehran and we’ve ordered all the party food for when they move their embassy to Jerusalem. But to be frank all that good news leaves us with an aching sense that we could get into a rut.” “Thank the Lord for Hamas, we can always...

British Labour Party Issues Statement: “Let’s Just Agree to Disagree About the Jews”

British Labour Party Issues Statement: “Let’s Just Agree to Disagree About the Jews”

In an attempt to draw a line under current criticism that the Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn might be just a tiny bit “anti-Jew” the party HQ provided a press release this morning. It read in part: “Look just to be clear we love Jews. We merely have a principled concern with the rights of Palestinians to live in peace on their land and the long-term hope for a two-state solution that recognizes everyone’s rights. Also, we suspect that Jews run...

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Sources within Mossad, Israel’s national intelligence agency, have confirmed to The Mideast Beast that it has better things to worry about than Britain’s Leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, and that on balance he isn’t the biggest existential threat to the State of Israel. “Iran continues to race towards possession of nuclear weapons, ISIS is still around, and the Syrian army continues taking out its frustrations on its own people. So with all that in mind we don’t consider the ramblings of some...

Middle East Breathes Sigh of Relief as Trump Concentrates on China

Middle East Breathes Sigh of Relief as Trump Concentrates on China

The region voted most likely to bring about The End of Days since 1948 breathed easy the other day as President Trump pivoted his Twitter diplomacy in an Asian direction. A Saudi diplomat commented, “For a moment there we thought he was going to start giving us some grief over the oil prices or the cluster fuck of the month that is Yemen. But luckily it appears that he thought it would be more fun to provoke another nuclear power.” Israeli commentator...

Saudi Arabia Planning Least Exciting Resort Ever

Saudi Arabia Planning Least Exciting Resort Ever

The Saudi Arabian government has admitted to being disappointed at the public reaction to its plans for a new tourist resort on islands in the Red Sea. One blogger commented, “So what you’re saying is it will be like lying on a beach in Dubai but without the two-for-one cocktail hour. Or like lying on the beach in Tel Aviv but with all the girls covered in black sheets. You’re not really selling this to me.” Another said, “I appreciate...

ISIS Advice To NRA: ‘Semi-Automatic Rifles Not Enough to Overthrow American Tyrant”

ISIS Advice To NRA: ‘Semi-Automatic Rifles Not Enough to Overthrow American Tyrant”

In an open letter to NRA President Wayne LaPierre, top ISIS leadership has expressed concern that AR-15s may not be enough to defend average Americans from the threat of tyrannical government. It reads in part: “Hi man, al-Baghdadi here. Just wanted to take some time out from running the caliphate to hit you with some truth bombs. I hope they won’t hurt as much as the 500lb Paveway IV laser guided bad boys that the USAF keeps throwing around. And...

Syrian Government Confesses: Whole Conflict Played Out by ‘Crisis Actors’

Syrian Government Confesses: Whole Conflict Played Out by ‘Crisis Actors’

A Syrian government official has admitted to The Mideast Beast that the war that has appeared to be raging since 2011 has in fact been elaborately staged to put Syria ‘front of mind’ and perhaps even get an Olympics Games nod for 2028. The official commented, “We don’t think we can carry on the delusion any longer as Alex Jones has been emailing us some very pointed questions. So best to come clean. Yes, it’s all been a hoax. Gotcha!...

Trump Furious at His Low Ranking in Threat to World Peace

Trump Furious at His Low Ranking in Threat to World Peace

WASHINGTON D.C. — Donald Trump has reacted with fury at being rated as an equal threat to world peace as the rise of jihadi terrorism, in an Economist Intelligence Unit report. In a statement to the press he said; “I’ve always been a winner, just like America, and I won’t accept equal place with a bunch of guys that frankly I couldn’t even point to on a map. And I refuse to learn more, because learning is for losers.” He...

Syrian Government Responds to Rebel-Held Swimming Pool Crisis

Syrian Government Responds to Rebel-Held Swimming Pool Crisis

In a promising move towards peace in a troubled region the Syrian Government today airdropped relief chemicals to make rebel-held swimming pools safe to use. A spokesman for the government commented, “We may be on different sides of the fence when it comes to who governs this great country, but we are united when it comes to fighting fungal infections that can really ruin your pool time. So, we leaped into action the moment we heard about this brewing crisis.”...

Iraq Thrilled by Turkish Threat to Swing by for a Fight

Iraq Thrilled by Turkish Threat to Swing by for a Fight

The Iraqi government has enthusiastically greeted Turkish President Erdogan’s threat to fight Kurdish forces on their soil. A spokesperson commented, “Fighting is really what we’re known for over here, so close neighbors offering to come and join in is always most welcome. There’s really more than enough pain and suffering to go around. Come one come all! That’s our motto!” A Turkish army commander spoke for many of his colleagues, “Iraq is really in the top three places that everyone...

US Government Suggests the Middle East to “Shut Down”

US Government Suggests the Middle East to “Shut Down”

A spokesperson for the US government suggested over the weekend that the region voted “Most Troublesome” 2017 years in a row, consider following the United States into ‘furlonging’ all but essential personnel. “Really the Turkish invasion of Syria in pursuit of Kurdish militants currently backed by us is the last straw. We could just about cope when we just needed to state, ‘Saudi good, Iran bad.’ But this is some next level three-dimensional chess shit right here. And let’s be...

New Hamas Charter Just the Lyrics to “Imagine”

New Hamas Charter Just the Lyrics to “Imagine”

A Hamas spokesman has confirmed that the organization’s latest policy document will consist solely of the lyrics of the 1971 John Lennon smash hit “Imagine.” Fawzi Barhoum commented, “We recognize that our original 1988 Charter has put a lot of people off. For a long time, we thought it was just annoying to the Jews that we wanted to drive them all into the sea. But apparently, that kind of thinking was not ‘groovy’, and we accept that now.” “And...

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and women could have resorted to any number of juvenile jokes relating to camels, their owners, and the potential of a close relationship between the two. It is a tribute to them that there was...

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has instructed lawyers to commence legal action against the state of Texas. A letter sent to Governor Greg Abbott outlines the case, “Our client objects to your attempts to take on the mantle of the birthplace of the ‘end of days’ with your so-called ‘biblical’ flood. It is a well-established fact that the end of the world will only commence within the confines of our region. Read your bible, people!” A spokesperson for the terror...

US Senate Confirms Iran Much Easier Than Health Care

US Senate Confirms Iran Much Easier Than Health Care

The 98-2 United States Senate vote to impose new sanctions on Iran has confirmed once and for all that Middle Eastern international relations is tons easier than health care. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell commented earlier today, “Many people have suggested that on health care reform we choked bigger than the Boston Red Sox, but those guys can kiss my throat pouch. As President Trump so wisely tweeted just the other day, health reform is hard. And if the President...