Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran

Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran

Following the overwhelming success of his first book Triggered, Donald Trump Jr., the Trump kid voted most likely to have a dead stripper in the trunk of his Lincoln Town Car three years in a row, has announced that his next project will be a detailed analysis of the Koran and its meaning in the modern world. A spokesman commented, “It’s important that people appreciate that Mr Trump Jr. not only has unique insights into the world of politics but...

Bloomberg Prepared to Lead Israel

Bloomberg Prepared to Lead Israel

Former Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, has confirmed that in the highly unlikely outcome that his potential third attempt to become US President is unsuccessful he is more than willing to step in to lead Israel. A spokesman for Mr Bloomberg commented, “It’s clearly a longshot because we all recognize how amazingly successful independent candidates have been in presidential campaigns.  Come on we all remember Perot and the other one……… However, if against all odds it doesn’t work out...

World’s Most Profitable Corporation Somehow More Valuable Than Bullshit Dot-Com Companies

World’s Most Profitable Corporation Somehow More Valuable Than Bullshit Dot-Com Companies

Analysts have been caught off guard by the announcement that Saudi oil monopoly, Aramco, is more valuable than the latest vegan pet food delivery startup out of Silicon Valley. One commented, “It appears that having a lock on the substance currently enabling the world to get from A to B, makes for a massively valuable corporation. Who knew? Apparently, this is moderately more useful than the connected fridge/emoji generator/massage chair that just pulled in a $100m A Round investment.” A...

Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy

Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy

Special forces Belgian Malinois, ‘Classified’ has been named by President Trump as his new envoy to the Middle East. The very good puppy was selected for the position following his key role in the death of ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi earlier this week. A spokesman for the President commented, “Loyal without question, willing to do anything for a belly rub, and at his happiest curled at the end of the President’s bed. These are just some of the qualities...

Pence and Pompeo Book Airbnb in Tel Aviv

Pence and Pompeo Book Airbnb in Tel Aviv

Sources have confirmed that the US Vice President and Secretary of State have booked an extended stay in a two-bedroom property close to the beach in Tel Aviv. A spokesman for Vice President Pence commented, “This is a long planned and well-deserved vacation for the guys. They’ve been promising each other they would carve out some quality time since the spring, and this has worked out perfectly. Although this is supposed to be a holiday, they made sure to click...

Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working

Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working

With the Middle East once again in turmoil, Jared Kushner, who has high hopes of becoming a ‘real boy’ one day soon, believes his iPhone may have malfunctioned. A spokesman for the wooden puppe….. senior advisor to the President commented, “Jared is certain he hasn’t dropped his phone down a toilet recently, so he thinks this might be to do with a new software update he hasn’t installed. We’ve urged him to get down to an Apple Store but he...

Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty

Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty

The latest effort to open up the Kingdom has not been met with the anticipated level of excitement from the international business community. One Western CEO commented, “OK great, now I can technically share a room with Karen from accounts when we are next in Riyadh. But how is that really going to happen if we can’t get properly buzzed first in the hotel bar? Think about it. She has to get over the fact that I’m a middle-aged guy...

Mossad Studies Qatar Olympics Preparation for Tips

Mossad Studies Qatar Olympics Preparation for Tips

Israeli security services have been studying with interest efforts by the Qatari authorities to snuff people out using unusual methods. A spokesman commented, “We pride ourselves on being the masters of ensuring that people we have an issue with have all sorts of unfortunate accidents. But these guys’ Olympic organizing committee is doing some next level shit. Heat, height and sleep deprivation are all proven ‘accident’ enablers, but it’s really the clever combinations they are putting together that are so...

Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu

Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu

Allies and friends of Prime Minister Netanyahu have expressed shock and surprise that Arab political parties, united under the Joint List party, have decided not to back their man in his attempt to continue his premiership and/or delay his visit to a local jail. A spokesman commented, “This really came out of the blue. I mean what have we ever done to upset those guys? We’re all scratching our heads around here. Do you think maybe they got the wrong...

Saudis Plan on Reducing Oil Supply to One Really Expensive Barrel

Saudis Plan on Reducing Oil Supply to One Really Expensive Barrel

Following the spike in oil prices following the attack on their facilities earlier this week Saudi authorities have decided to simplify their lives by restricting the world’s oil supply to one golden barrel located in a secret facility in the Riyadh area. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “It’s been clear to us for some time that being the world’s largest oil supplier is just a massive pain in the ass. It’s a lot of upkeep, no one likes us,...

John Bolton Joins Hamas

John Bolton Joins Hamas

Former National Security Advisor, John Bolton, is understood to have joined Hamas early today.  A press release from the organisation stated; “We’ve kept our eye on Mr. Bolton for a long time now and we were excited to hear he had been released from his contract by the Trump administration. We’ve been big fans since his enthusiasm for the Iraq war, well let’s face it any kind of war. I think it’s fair to say that we and many organizations...

New Jared Peace Plan Based on Sharpie Success

New Jared Peace Plan Based on Sharpie Success

Not content with the awe that the unveiling of his first stab at a peace plan created, Jared Kushner (The Trump son-in-law voted most likely to be a real, live boy) has released an expansion of the plan. “You have to appreciate that the modern Middle East is really just a lot of lines on a map drawn in by Westerners,” he commented. “And well, if recent events have taught me anything, it’s that the Trump family loves doodling on...

IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time

IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time

Beqaa Valley, Lebanon — The Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and Hezbollah have been forced to admit their highly publicized conflict has in fact been a total fraud. An IDF spokesman confirmed, “Yep, the jig is up. The dummy soldiers spotted this week are really just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, the last decades of conflict have been faked through a cunning combination of the effects team from Industrial Light and Magic, truckloads of fireworks, and of course all...

Israel Picks Salman of Saudi Arabia as New King

Israel Picks Salman of Saudi Arabia as New King

Following high-level negotiations between Jerusalem and Riyadh, it has been confirmed that King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques will be adding Israel to his portfolio later this year. The decision was made following concern that President Donald Trump might actually proclaim himself regent with a view to turning the Golan Heights into a giant golf course and proclaim Gal Gadot his queen. A spokesman for the Jews commented, “Don’t get us wrong, we’re grateful...

President Trump Buys Yemen

President Trump Buys Yemen

Following the refusal of the Danish government to consider selling him Greenland, President Trump has set his sights on the Middle Eastern country voted “Most Bombable” five years in a row. A spokesman for the President commented, “Frankly we were just testing the waters with Greenland. But it was clear early on that there was a high risk we would just be adding a bunch of liberal sea level raising alarmists to the voting roles. And really who needs that...

Iran Left Off Email Chain Re: Jared Plan for Peace

Iran Left Off Email Chain Re: Jared Plan for Peace

There have been red faces all-round the US State Department this week as a junior official confirmed that Iran had inadvertently not been included in the recipient list for the Jared Kushner peace plan. The revelation has provided a clear explanation for their recent saber rattling in the Gulf. They just hadn’t been made aware that all the problems had been solved. A spokesman for Mr. Kushner stated, “Well, doesn’t this explain everything? Even the fake news media has had...

ISIS Leaders Reveal ‘Secrets’, Joining Trump in New Age of Transparency

ISIS Leaders Reveal ‘Secrets’, Joining Trump in New Age of Transparency

Following the lead from the US President, terror cell leaders are striving to become much more open regarding their future plans. From their last holdouts across Syria, ISIS are leading the new wave of sharing. In an online video posted yesterday a spokesman for the group stood in front of a large white board clearly indicating the groups location, composition and plans for breakfast. “We admit that we are struggling right now and our previous policy of complete secrecy was...

Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers

Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers

Lovers of good music have flocked to the BDS demand to boycott the Eurovision final planned for Tel Aviv this year. One critic confirmed, “We don’t have any particular view on the complexities of a two-state solution or the future of the Golan Heights. However, I think we can all get on board with the idea that the Eurovision contest is an affront to all lovers of good music and taste. In all that’s holy, does anyone really think that...

“Saudi Crucifixion” a Step Too Far for British Government

“Saudi Crucifixion” a Step Too Far for British Government

A British Government spokesperson has confirmed that “nailing them up” is very much where they draw the line when it comes to what’s “cool” in international relations. “We’ve kept quiet when our Saudi friends have indulged it a bit of hand chopping. I mean come on, you’ve got two. But we did make some disgruntled noises around the beheading business. Because everyone knows that is a serious curtailer of life. To be clear it was never as terrible as when...

Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Shits and Giggles”

Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Shits and Giggles”

Israel’s national intelligence agency, Mossad, has admitted they were behind the wiretapping of the Trump presidential team, but stressed that they were only doing it “for shits and giggles”. Speaking anonymously, a spokesman for the agency commented, “Hands up yes it was us, not Obama. That guy is way too straight-laced for this. But I want to stress it was just some of the guys breaking the monotony of a quiet midweek evening. You’d be surprised how many of those...