Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

Iraqi Government Receives Online Applications from DC

Iraqi Government Receives Online Applications from DC

Iraqi prime minister, Adel Abdul-Mahdi, has confirmed that the recent invitation for online applications for cabinet positions has had a surprisingly high number of applications from the Washington, DC region. “We were clear that this was only open to Iraqi nationals,” a spokesman for the PM commented. “However, we will say we were impressed by the enthusiasm and experience of many of the DC applications. Who knew there was such a large Iraqi expat community cluster. We were particularly impressed...

Bacon Sandwiches Encourage Israeli-Palestinian Peace

Bacon Sandwiches Encourage Israeli-Palestinian Peace

International peace efforts for the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict were recently given a boost by the introduction of bacon sandwiches to the breakfast buffet in Cairo. Dore Steinwitz, professional Israeli apologist, commented, “these are mental! Why did no one ever tell me about these before? I admit that since the invention of the refrigerator, I’ve been a little hazy on the need for the ‘no pig’ rules. But I never realized how batshit crazy they tasted. To be honest I’d be willing to open...

Freed Saudi Prince Disputes Minibar Bill

Freed Saudi Prince Disputes Minibar Bill

Prince Khaled bin Talal is locked in a war of words with the Riyadh Ritz-Carlton over minibar charges which he says have nothing to do with him. A spokesman for the Prince stated, “He’s been pretty chill about being locked up by his nephew for the last year on pretty ambiguous ‘corruption’ charges. But this is a step too far. He is adamant that he never touched those mini-sized bottles of soft drinks, the pretzels or packets of M&Ms. I...

Saudis Claim Khashoggi Was Hillary in a Wig

Saudis Claim Khashoggi Was Hillary in a Wig

In the latest of a string of increasingly desperate calls to the White House, Crown Prince bin Salman has claimed that the reporter known as ‘Jamal Khashoggi’ was in fact former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, acting out an elaborate deep state, Soros led, black-op to cause a division in the US-Saudi relationship. A spokesman for the Prince commented, “So to be honest we were running out of options. Even John Bolton wasn’t buying that Kamal was a dangerous radical...

All Jewish Pensioners to be Armed

All Jewish Pensioners to be Armed

In a further bid to control gun violence in America, all Jewish retirees are now to be armed and given full close quarter battle training by SWAT teams. An NRA spokesperson commented, “We fully support the President’s comments that things could have turned out differently if the worshippers had been packing heat. It’s clear that 97-year-old Rose Mallinger could have stood a much better chance if she’d had the ability to shoot back. Probably not a 9mm pistol as the recoil might...

Yemen: “We Think Some of Our Reporters Have Been Killed by Saudis Too”

Yemen: “We Think Some of Our Reporters Have Been Killed by Saudis Too”

Yemen has tentatively raised its hand and coughed, as the world has lost its collective mind over one journalist. “Hi, excuse me, sorry to interrupt. Sorry to be a nuisance. I’m not sure whether any of you had a chance to glance at the latest UN report? Well if you haven’t, we can summarize for you. So, 14 million of us are now facing ‘pre-famine conditions’, and we’re pretty sure that in that number were at least half a dozen...

Eric and Tiffany Return from Turkey with Surprise for Dad

Eric and Tiffany Return from Turkey with Surprise for Dad

Eric and Tiffany were seen entering the White House yesterday evening carrying a bowling ball bag and practically giddy with excitement, having arrived direct from Istanbul to Andrews Air Force Base. A close friend commented, “Frankly they’ve been in the shadow of Ivanka and Don Jr. for so long they would do anything to get some attention from their father. I believe that they got the idea from Jared. His Middle East peace plan has been stalled for a while...

President Arrives at Rally with Bone Saw

President Arrives at Rally with Bone Saw

The President wowed a capacity crowd last night at a rally, as he wielded a bone saw over his head. He described it as an unexpected gift from his close personal friend Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman. “It just came in the mail this morning, so thoughtful. He’s just a great guy. I tell you, you know that I know the best guys.” The President, proceeding to wave the saw in the direction of the press pool gathered at the rally,...

“Can You Just Give Us a Hand with This Big Bag First”, Saudis Ask Turkish Officials

“Can You Just Give Us a Hand with This Big Bag First”, Saudis Ask Turkish Officials

Saudi diplomats have welcomed Turkish officials as they begin their search of the consulate, only asking if they wouldn’t mind lending a hand to move a particularly heavy diplomatic bag first. “If you could just take the head, I mean front, end. Then we can get it down the stairs and into the trunk of this car,” an official asked the Turkish search party. The Turkish, well known for their impeccable manners, were happy to help, amidst much well natured...

Funny Smell in Saudi Consulate Probably Just the Drains

Funny Smell in Saudi Consulate Probably Just the Drains

Any funny smells originating from the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul are most likely to do with the terrible state of Turkish plumbing according to a spokesman for the Kingdom. “I can’t begin to tell you how many times we’ve complained to our host nation about this matter”, he expanded. “It’s becoming embarrassing. We can’t even invite any outspoken critics of the government around for a nice cup of mint tea and an open discussion where we agree to disagree, without...

Facebook Introduces Post-Graduate Requirement for Commenting on Arab-Israeli Conflict

Facebook Introduces Post-Graduate Requirement for Commenting on Arab-Israeli Conflict

In a blow to online experts everywhere Facebook has restricted the ability of users to comment on the Arab-Israeli conflict until they have delivered proof of at least four years higher education (six if you went to Tel Aviv University, cause we all know that’s just a party school). Facebook spokeswoman Sarah Bluestein said “we’ve discovered that while we are the perfect outlet for sharing videos of people falling down holes and anything to do with kittens, we are far...

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...

Jews Spoiling It for Middle Eastern Women’s Rights Again

Jews Spoiling It for Middle Eastern Women’s Rights Again

Saudi officials have expressed exasperation over claims that a senior aide to Prime Minister Netanyahu, David Keyes, has been getting all ‘grabby’ with the ladies. A Saudi spokesman commented, “Just when we were making such strides here in the Kingdom, what with all the driving and a vast decrease in stoning, then we get the Jews ‘not understanding boundaries again’, just like 1967. This is why we get you to cover up girls!” An Israeli government spokesperson said, “We’re hoping that...

Israeli Military Thrilled That Iran is Stepping Up

Israeli Military Thrilled That Iran is Stepping Up

The Israel Defense Force (IDF) is reportedly giddy with excitement that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard is putting on its big boy shoes and coming out to play. As rockets rained down on the Golan Heights, soldiers were seen high-fiving each other whilst applying ‘Next Stop Tehran’ stickers to the turrets of their tanks. A senior officer commented, “We’ve checked Google Maps this morning, and it seems a pretty straight forward route. We anticipate some delays around the Baghdad ring road, but only...

Saudi Women Will Be Allowed to Drive to Execution

Saudi Women Will Be Allowed to Drive to Execution

In yet another major step forward for female empowerment in The Kingdom, it has been confirmed that women will be allowed to drive to the upcoming execution of human rights activist Israa al-Ghomgham. A government spokesman confirmed, “The firsts just keep coming here in the newly liberalizing Saudi Arabia. Not only can the ladies drive their own cars and secure a prime viewing spot, afterwards they are welcome to join the men to watch the national football team get absolutely murdered...

Saudi To Fund Tesla to Get to Mars Ahead of Jews

Saudi To Fund Tesla to Get to Mars Ahead of Jews

The Saudi Sovereign Wealth Fund has admitted they are in advanced talks with Elon Musk to finance his buyout bid. A spokesman commented, “Let’s be honest the Zionists have won down here on Earth. We need to draw a line under it and look to the stars. Mr. Musk has promised us exclusivity on the first Mars rockets. I don’t care how devious you think the Jews are, they can’t fly.” “Obviously we will be using the old ‘diversifying from...

Israel Tells Turkey, “You Went Full Hitler, You Never Go Full Hitler”

Israel Tells Turkey, “You Went Full Hitler, You Never Go Full Hitler”

Israel has rebuked Turkey for going “Full Hitler” way too early into an argument the two were conducting early Saturday evening. The disagreement started, as it often has, over something Israel said it had heard Syria say about Turkey behind its back. “It was just your standard smack talk. You know, if you come over my border again I’m going to treat you like you were Armenian,” Israel commented. “However, we think Turkey was further down the bottle of Raki...

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities admit that they find it difficult to tell the difference between gay men and ISIS members. One puzzled Egyptian Border guard said, “it’s harder to tell the difference than you might think. We were responding to reports of a bunch of men infiltrating our country via the Nile. It didn’t seem unreasonable to think they might have floated around from the coast of Syria, as those Zionists are notoriously relaxed about such activities.” “When we arrived on the scene we...

IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’

IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’

JERUSALEM — In the latest attempt to prevent any further fighting in the north and in the south, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) has been authorized to conduct ‘Operation Dictionary’. Guaranteed to delight definition-loving Hamas and Hezbollah fighters, The Mideast Beast has learned that Israeli forces will begin carpet bombing the areas with the books starting 07:00 tomorrow. Each specially designed low-drag, English-Arabic edition will come with a bookmark in the C-section with the word “ceasefire” highlighted in green marker pen. RELATED: IDF Hands Out...

Parkland Crisis Actors Demanding Double Time for Syria Work

Parkland Crisis Actors Demanding Double Time for Syria Work

The Parkland professional acting troop, unofficial motto, “You Shoot, We Cry”, have been in talks through their agents on requiring extensive overtime payments for their recent work in Douma, Syria. A spokesperson for the group commented, “We’ve been flat out these past weeks and we simply feel that our commitment to our craft needs to be recognized by our Zionist/Anti 2A/Deep State masters”. “Frankly, being required to jet over to Syria on short notice to roll around in the rubble...