Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters
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Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters

Winner of the sexiest nation (Middle East and North Africa Division) for three years running, Israel, has expressed concerned at the quality of international chicks willing to ‘stand by it’. Chatting with The Mideast Beast in an exclusive heart to heart, the Zionist hunk was unrepentant. “Look, it’s not that I’m not grateful for the support, it’s just that I...

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes
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Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine, a token humanitarian gesture to Gaza for adhering to the current ceasefire. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and...

IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’
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IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’

JERUSALEM — In the latest attempt to prevent any further fighting between Gaza and Israel, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) has been authorized to conduct ‘Operation Dictionary’. Guaranteed to delight definition-loving Hamas and Islamic Jihad fighters, The Mideast Beast has learned that Israeli forces will begin carpet bombing the areas with the books starting 07:00 Friday morning. Each specially designed...

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”
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ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head-chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so insensitive. Just yesterday we posted...

Hamas Bans Homeworking for Gazans During Coronavirus Lockdowns
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Hamas Bans Homeworking for Gazans During Coronavirus Lockdowns

Hamas is leading the charge against the tyranny of telecommuting, or homeworking, by banning video conferencing, along with the occasional arrest to really drive the point home. A spokesman commented, “We’ve been monitoring how bosses have been forcing workers into annoying and unproductive online conference calls. We all know how they just raise blood pressure as people forget to unmute...

Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen
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Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen

In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by SARS-CoV 2, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign of precision...

Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving
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Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving

It has been confirmed that President Trump’s recent calls for downsizing US troops in Afghanistan is to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry Christmas’ sign being...

Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Shits and Giggles”

Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Shits and Giggles”

Israel’s national intelligence agency, Mossad, has admitted they were behind the wiretapping of the Trump presidential team, but stressed that they were only doing it “for shits and giggles”. Speaking anonymously, a spokesman for the agency commented, “Hands up yes it was us, not Obama. That guy is way too straight-laced for this. But I want to stress it was...

Assad Advises Never Inject Bleach, Just Breathe It In
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Assad Advises Never Inject Bleach, Just Breathe It In

President Assad of Syria, the guy other Middle East dictators would never let their daughters date because, you know, ‘standards’, has weighed into the bleach debate. In a news conference late Friday, flanked by his senior medical advisors he stated, “Look, I’m amazed I have to say this but please don’t inject yourself with bleach. It’s just an insane waste...

Yemen Offers to Store Saudi Oil in Bomb Craters
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Yemen Offers to Store Saudi Oil in Bomb Craters

With the price of oil in negative territory for the first time in history, Yemen has offered its friendly neighbour a creative storage option. A spokesman commented, “As you can imagine we were devastated to learn that our friends were suffering such hardship, and of course we wanted to help. Now clearly, we couldn’t lend them any money because someone...

Trump Tweets “Liberate Palestine!” By Mistake

Trump Tweets “Liberate Palestine!” By Mistake

The inflammatory tweet came late last Thursday and followed hard on the heels of the President expressing similar support for Virginia, Michigan and Minnesota. A White House spokesman commented, “Look it was late, the President was enjoying his usual evening habit of poring over the Federalist Papers and a biography of Benjamin Franklin, because what a lot of people don’t...

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven
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ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State has confirmed that there are awards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re...

All Political Opposition in Saudi Arabia Struck Down with COVID-19

All Political Opposition in Saudi Arabia Struck Down with COVID-19

A spokesman for Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) has confirmed that COVID-19 has sadly impacted everyone with a difference of opinion from the Crown Prince. “We can confirm that the virus currently sweeping the world has had a particularly strong impact on individuals that have ever expressed less than 100% support for the current leadership. We can only surmise that...