Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

Vice President Pence Invites Irish PM’s Boyfriend to Roof

Vice President Pence Invites Irish PM’s Boyfriend to Roof

Vice President Pence has invited Dr. Matthew Barrett, partner of Irish Prime Minister, Leo Varadkar to the roof of his official residence, the Naval Observatory. Mr. Pence extended the invitation following an awkward Friends of Ireland breakfast, at which neither Dr. Barrett or Mr. Varadkar were struck down by lightning. One attendee commented, “The Vice President kept on looking upwards during the event, and at one point when he caught the two of them briefly holding hands, he did seem...

Jared Kushner Takes Extended Tour of Middle East

Jared Kushner Takes Extended Tour of Middle East

Presidential aide, Jared Kushner, has made a surprise decision to undertake an extended tour of the Middle East. A spokesman for the President’s son-in-law commented, “I think we can all agree that peace in the region is just moments away. However, Mr. Kushner felt there were still some areas which he hadn’t had the chance to experience. Yemen for example. Have you experienced Yemen in the spring? It’s surprisingly delightful. And does anyone else think that Gaza is shockingly unappreciated...

Iranian Leadership: “Just Be Unhappy Like All Other Damn Western Couples”

Iranian Leadership: “Just Be Unhappy Like All Other Damn Western Couples”

Iranian religious leadership has reaffirmed their strong stance that marriage is something that should be endured until either the sweet release of death, or failing that a damn good divorce lawyer. “We won’t stand for all this happiness and displays of affection around this sacred bond,” remarked a spokesman for the religious police. “Why can’t they be miserable like my second cousin and his wife in Baltimore? He spends his days fantasizing about the new intern in Accounts, and she...

Saudi Arabia: We’d Take Syrian Refugees If We Had More Room

Saudi Arabia: We’d Take Syrian Refugees If We Had More Room

As the international community continues to decry about the lack of help from Arab-Muslim countries regarding Syrian refugees, the diminutive Saudi Kingdom announced today that it really wants to help its Syrian brothers and sisters but it’s unfortunately bursting at the seams. Saudi Foreign Minister Abdul Jabbar commented; “We’re just full up right now. Imagine how you feel after Ramadan ends and you hit the buffet. Well like that. Look, go and ask Kuwait, they’ve got loads of space.” RELATED: Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive...

Taliban Negotiators in Awkward Water-Cooler Moment with Syrian Team

Taliban Negotiators in Awkward Water-Cooler Moment with Syrian Team

US envoys to the Taliban have experienced a stilted five-minute conversation with their colleagues on the ISIS desk, as they discussed their ‘working lunch’ with Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar. “So yeah that sounds nice” commented one State Department official currently grappling with wiping out terror groups in Syria. “Was there hummus? I bet there was hummus. Everyone just sitting round and chillin, showing pictures of their kids and stuff. Sounds great. Well don’t mind us, we will just go back...

Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters

Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters

Winner of the sexiest nation (Middle East and North Africa Division) for three years running, Israel, has expressed concerned at the quality of international chicks willing to ‘stand by it’. Chatting with The Mideast Beast in an exclusive heart to heart, the Zionist hunk was unrepentant. “Look, it’s not that I’m not grateful for the support, it’s just that I have certain standards and a reputation to uphold. I mean have you been down the Tel Aviv beachfront on a Friday...

Saudi Prince Promotes “Turkish-type Consulate” Peace Plan

Saudi Prince Promotes “Turkish-type Consulate” Peace Plan

During his official visit to Pakistan Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman has invited his hosts to join him and Indian negotiators at the Saudi consulate of their choice for what he has dubbed ‘an introduction to enhanced negotiation techniques.’ A spokesman for the Crown Prince commented, “His Majesty has always felt that when tensions are at their highest the best thing to do is to invite all the parties to the dispute to a sit down and a nice cup...

Saudi App to Control Women Gets Vice President Seal of Approval

Saudi App to Control Women Gets Vice President Seal of Approval

Vice President Pence has signaled his broad approval of Saudi designed app ‘Absher’.  A spokesman for the VP Pence commented, “The Vice President is always eager to see new technology that protects women from the very real dangers of being unaccompanied by a male relative or spouse. Furthermore, he doesn’t really understand why any female would ever wish to leave these shores. We have malls, and beauty salons and even coffee shops where they can indulge in whatever latest entertainment...

ISIS Leadership asks, “Are we in the Sixth Sense?”

ISIS Leadership asks, “Are we in the Sixth Sense?”

ISIS leaders are increasingly concerned that they may in fact be emulating Bruce Willis’ role in the supernatural thriller. A spokesman said, “President Trump keeps claiming we are beaten, but we still appear to be here. However, we know the President is a highly truthful man. So that leads us to the only logical conclusion. Were we really dead the whole time?” “We’ve been looking back to meetings we’ve had with Western journalists, and actually when we think about it...

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so insensitive. Just yesterday we posted a nice video of our guys marching along with some really cool music playing and the comments section just lit...

Pope Arrives in UAE to ‘Chill’

Pope Arrives in UAE to ‘Chill’

Pope Francis has admitted today that he is visiting the Gulf this week purely to ‘chillax’ like everyone else that turns up during the Northern hemisphere winter months. “A lot of people are making a big thing about this being a major step forward in interfaith understanding. And that’s great,” the leader of the Catholic faith commented from a chilly Vatican City. “However, I also really need some sun and fun, and I hear those six-star hotels are the real...

Taliban Eager to Move into Trump ‘Caves’

Taliban Eager to Move into Trump ‘Caves’

Logistical experts with the Taliban have made inquiries into the option of inhabiting the Trump ‘Caves’ that they keep hearing so much about. “It’s no secret that we love a deep dark hiding place and we also fully appreciate the Trump brand. So these seem absolutely ideal for us,” commented a spokesman for the terror group. “However so far we’ve not been able to get anyone to give us details, like pricing or floor plans. Or is financing available? We...

Next Presidential Address Scheduled for Cave in Tora Bora

Next Presidential Address Scheduled for Cave in Tora Bora

White House officials have confirmed that further Presidential addresses to the nation will be held from a remote cave complex deep in the Afghan mountains. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders commented, “As the President has mentioned several times on Twitter over the last days he is pretty much the only one left in the White House. Really at this point it’s just him, Stephen Miller, and a short order chef. And he’s found the isolation invigorating`. But he knows he can...

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syrians have reacted angrily to a World Happiness Report that places them as only the fourth saddest place in the world, trailing Tanzania, Burundi and the Central African Republic. A spokesman for the Syrian government commented, “Tanzania has the Serengeti for fuck’s sake. How can you be sad when you’ve got lions to look at? I think we had some lions in the Damascus zoo, but we ate them. Doesn’t get sadder than that.” The disbelief is shared on all sides...

Syria Just a Tad Uncomfortable with Americans Still ‘Hanging Around’

Syria Just a Tad Uncomfortable with Americans Still ‘Hanging Around’

Syria has confessed that it is finding it a bit creepy that America hasn’t followed through with its intention to head home following what was supposed to be a long weekend stay but has gone on just a little bit too long for comfort. “Don’t get us wrong, it’s been great having them here. They make a lot less mess than the Turks. But once we heard that they had beaten ISIS, great news by the way, and we don’t...

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities admit that they find it difficult to tell the difference between gay men and ISIS members. One puzzled Egyptian Border guard said, “it’s harder to tell the difference than you might think. We were responding to reports of a bunch of men infiltrating our country via the Nile. It didn’t seem unreasonable to think they might have floated around from the coast of Syria, as those Zionists are notoriously relaxed about such activities.” “When we arrived on the scene we...

Israel Defense Forces Agree to Adopt Bow and Arrows

Israel Defense Forces Agree to Adopt Bow and Arrows

After confirming that security forces in Cameroon killed a potential suicide bomber with a poisoned arrow, Colonel Bill Giles of the IDF’s Novel and Interesting Weapons Department, has confirmed that they will be testing the idea from next month. “To be frank we’re fed up with the international criticism that follows when we don’t give rockets a fighting chance to land on something important. So the new trial will have some of our soldiers with the strongest wrist action lined up on...

SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The elite operators of SEAL Team Six have reportedly been deployed to the downtown Washington area in an attempt to track down an individual holed up in a confined space and raging against the injustices of the Western world. The special forces unit best known for bringing bin Laden to justice were apparently brought in as one of the final acts of outgoing Secretary of Defense, General Mattis. A spokesperson for the unit commented, “When ‘Mad Dog’ calls, we answer....

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS/ISIS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...

Israeli-Palestinian Consortium to Sell Trump Wall

Israeli-Palestinian Consortium to Sell Trump Wall

A Jerusalem-based joint venture has entered talks with the Trump administration to sell it the West Bank wall. The initiative follows repeated assertions by the President on Twitter that the wall is 99.9% effective. A spokesman for ‘Jew-Pal Barriers’ stated, “We don’t want to encourage cultural stereotypes, but apparently the guy is willing to pay $5 billion for this thing. And that buys a lot of goodwill, if you know what I mean.” “Don’t get me a wrong it’s a...