Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”
Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.
Following totally expected statements from Amnesty International blasting Israel for ‘war crimes’ – and accusing the 73-year old Zionist badass of ‘callous indifference’ regarding targets in pretty much all wars with Gaza – The Mideast Beast caught up with the Zionist pinup for an exclusive chat. “Look, I can accept that Amnesty thinks I may have been a bit heavy-handed...
Citizens around the world, especially Israelis and Palestinians, are waking up this morning to the shocking news that not everything going on in the world involves and revolves around their little conflict. International developments for which Israelis and Palestinians have no involvement include: Accelerating the spread of the Delta and Delta Plus Coronavirus variants throughout the world. This apparently was...
RIYADH — While it’s true that foreign unmarried couples are permitted to stay in hotel rooms together in Saudi Arabia, another wildly progressive step for the Kingdom, two years have passed and the ‘move towards modernity’ has yet to be met with the anticipated level of excitement from the international business community. One Western CEO commented, “OK great, now I...
Winner of the sexiest nation (Middle East and North Africa Division) for three years running, Israel, has expressed concerned at the quality of international chicks willing to ‘stand by it’. Chatting with The Mideast Beast in an exclusive heart to heart, the Zionist hunk was unrepentant. “Look, it’s not that I’m not grateful for the support, it’s just that I...
In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine, a token humanitarian gesture to Gaza for adhering to the current ceasefire. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and...
JERUSALEM — In the latest attempt to prevent any further fighting between Gaza and Israel, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) has been authorized to conduct ‘Operation Dictionary’. Guaranteed to delight definition-loving Hamas and Islamic Jihad fighters, The Mideast Beast has learned that Israeli forces will begin carpet bombing the areas with the books starting 07:00 Friday morning. Each specially designed...
A startling new report from the Institute of Basic Common Sense, suggests that in general people should use the time given by the warning siren of incoming rockets to seek immediate shelter for themselves and their families. In a move guaranteed to cause controversy it suggests that people using the time to position themselves for the perfect Instagram image are,...
ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head-chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so insensitive. Just yesterday we posted...
Hamas is leading the charge against the tyranny of telecommuting, or homeworking, by banning video conferencing, along with the occasional arrest to really drive the point home. A spokesman commented, “We’ve been monitoring how bosses have been forcing workers into annoying and unproductive online conference calls. We all know how they just raise blood pressure as people forget to unmute...
Taking a break from setting up secret military camps in Middle America, the United Nations has confirmed that beginning in 2015 Italian will be the formal language for all Middle Eastern nations. Explaining the dictate, Jonathan Bourg, Head of World Domination, said, “We’ve been thinking a lot about why things over there just won’t calm the fuck down. Some say...
In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by SARS-CoV 2, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign of precision...
News that the President’s son-in-law – and Westworld robot voted “most unconvincing” three years in a row – Jared Kushner, remains in his leading and effective position in the domestic fight against the coronavirus has been met with dismay throughout the Middle East. A Saudi government spokesman commented, “Well now what? We figured the US would’ve had the virus under...
It has been confirmed that President Trump’s recent calls for downsizing US troops in Afghanistan is to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry Christmas’ sign being...
Israel’s national intelligence agency, Mossad, has admitted they were behind the wiretapping of the Trump presidential team, but stressed that they were only doing it “for shits and giggles”. Speaking anonymously, a spokesman for the agency commented, “Hands up yes it was us, not Obama. That guy is way too straight-laced for this. But I want to stress it was...
Vice President Pence has announced that forthwith all meetings of the coronavirus committee will be held in the new Jewish capital, just in case “this is the big one.” A spokesman for the Cabinet Member voted ‘most likely to ascend to the Kingdom of Heaven’ by CPAC four years running, commented, “This office is concentrated on reacting to this crisis...
In a touching sign of support for the always-embattled nation, and with clear indications of “something just being a bit wrong with them” tourists are still flocking to Israel. Whether it’s to enjoy the rocket filled skies in the south or the all-year-long seething religious tension in Jerusalem, there is something for everyone’s budget. Tour operator David Binglebloom said “surprisingly,...
The Saudi Government has welcomed a UN report that they be removed from the blacklist of countries that cause harm to children during conflict. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’re pleased to report that as of this week we will no longer be harming Yemeni kids, mainly because we killed the last one on Tuesday. The little rascal was...
Smack talk between Hellboy star, Ron Perlman and newly bearded Senator for Texas, Ted Cruz, has escalated rapidly. What started as a slightly homoerotic desire by Mr. Cruz to watch Representative Jim Jordan wrestle 70-year-old Mr. Perlman, possibly in custard, had by Tuesday ended with a date being set for a cage match in Jerusalem. A spokesperson for Senator Cruz...
President Assad of Syria, the guy other Middle East dictators would never let their daughters date because, you know, ‘standards’, has weighed into the bleach debate. In a news conference late Friday, flanked by his senior medical advisors he stated, “Look, I’m amazed I have to say this but please don’t inject yourself with bleach. It’s just an insane waste...
With the price of oil in negative territory for the first time in history, Yemen has offered its friendly neighbour a creative storage option. A spokesman commented, “As you can imagine we were devastated to learn that our friends were suffering such hardship, and of course we wanted to help. Now clearly, we couldn’t lend them any money because someone...
