Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

Assad Advises Never Inject Bleach, Just Breathe It In
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Assad Advises Never Inject Bleach, Just Breathe It In

President Assad of Syria, the guy other Middle East dictators would never let their daughters date because, you know, ‘standards’, has weighed into the bleach debate. In a news conference late Friday, flanked by his senior medical advisors he stated, “Look, I’m amazed I have to say this but please don’t inject yourself with bleach. It’s just an insane waste...

Yemen Offers to Store Saudi Oil in Bomb Craters
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Yemen Offers to Store Saudi Oil in Bomb Craters

With the price of oil in negative territory for the first time in history, Yemen has offered its friendly neighbour a creative storage option. A spokesman commented, “As you can imagine we were devastated to learn that our friends were suffering such hardship, and of course we wanted to help. Now clearly, we couldn’t lend them any money because someone...

Trump Tweets “Liberate Palestine!” By Mistake

Trump Tweets “Liberate Palestine!” By Mistake

The inflammatory tweet came late last Thursday and followed hard on the heels of the President expressing similar support for Virginia, Michigan and Minnesota. A White House spokesman commented, “Look it was late, the President was enjoying his usual evening habit of poring over the Federalist Papers and a biography of Benjamin Franklin, because what a lot of people don’t...

Hamas Bans Homeworking for Gazans
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Hamas Bans Homeworking for Gazans

Hamas is leading the charge against the tyranny of telecommuting, or homeworking, by banning video conferencing, along with the occasional arrest to really drive the point home. A spokesman commented, “We’ve been monitoring how bosses have been forcing workers into annoying and unproductive online conference calls. We all know how they just raise blood pressure as people forget to unmute...

Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement Over Yemen
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Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement Over Yemen

In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by the newest respiratory virus, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign...

All Political Opposition in Saudi Arabia Struck Down with COVID-19

All Political Opposition in Saudi Arabia Struck Down with COVID-19

A spokesman for Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) has confirmed that COVID-19 has sadly impacted everyone with a difference of opinion from the Crown Prince. “We can confirm that the virus currently sweeping the world has had a particularly strong impact on individuals that have ever expressed less than 100% support for the current leadership. We can only surmise that...

Jared Kushner Offers Sanders Campaign His Middle East Peace Plan

Jared Kushner Offers Sanders Campaign His Middle East Peace Plan

Presidential special advisor and cut-price WestWorld robot, Jared Kushner, has offered the Bernie Sanders campaign a copy of his latest peace plan in case the ‘Democrat’ wins power. Mr. Kushner was encouraged to ‘hedge his bets’ upon realizing the document would only need minor changes to make it palatable to Senator Sanders. A spokesman for the third most lifelike member...

Hezbollah Offers Bloomberg Easier Route to Suicide

Hezbollah Offers Bloomberg Easier Route to Suicide

Hezbollah commanders have reached out to Mr. Bloomberg’s people this week, following his Democratic debate appearance, to offer tips on a faster route to martyrdom. A spokesman for the self-immolation experts commented, “Dear god, that was the worst performance we’ve seen since the Iraqi army in 1991. At least those guys knew when to run away. If his plan was...

Virus-Free Middle East Feeling Pretty Smug at the Moment

Virus-Free Middle East Feeling Pretty Smug at the Moment

Residents of the Middle East have been united this week as they remain free of the latest zombie plague originating in China. Israeli bus driver Yehuda Ben-Shalom commented, “It’s just great to read about the world falling apart and not having it headlined with a picture of the Dome of the Rock. We might have to dodge the odd Palestinian...

Well That Went About as Well as Expected…
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Well That Went About as Well as Expected…

Global markets, world leaders, and leading experts are breathing a collective sigh of relief as the latest peace plan, proposed by Pinocchio cosplayer of the year Jared Kushner, is turning out not to be the ‘Deal of the Century’. Middle East commentator Steve Kotkin said, “Frankly it would have been a massive pain in the ass if they’d pulled this...

203rd Mideast Peace Proposal Set to be as Successful as the Last 202

203rd Mideast Peace Proposal Set to be as Successful as the Last 202

The Trump Israeli-Palestinian peace proposal has been confidently described by experts as highly likely to be just as good and long lasting as the two hundred or so that have proceeded it since 1967. A spokesman for Jared Kushner, special adviser to the President for the Middle East, and the wooden boy that was promised he could be a real...

US and Israeli Leaders Meet to Swap Prison Tips

US and Israeli Leaders Meet to Swap Prison Tips

Insiders have admitted that a much-anticipated meeting between Israeli and US leaders to launch the latest peace plan with the Palestinians, is in truth just a great opportunity to get ‘big-house’ ready. A spokesman for the White House commented, “The President is excited to have someone to show off his first attempts at home made shanks which he’s crafted from...