Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

Israel Offers Harry and Meghan Leadership Role

Israel Offers Harry and Meghan Leadership Role

Israel today upped the stakes in a potential new role for Prince Harry and his Canadian bride. A government spokesman commented, “Western Canada is nice and all, but we feel that the near constant sunshine of Tel Aviv would be more to their liking. And frankly we find ourselves in a situation where we are going to need a new dynasty pretty soon. Preferable one that isn’t likely to be seeing the inside of a prison cell, which is why...

Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses

Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses

Iran has pushed the world closer to war with a new threat to target golf courses globally. A statement from the Supreme Leader’s office read, “You want to target our mosques and cultural sites? Well then, we will take what you hold most dear. The chance to hit a sweet birdie off the back nine. Unlike some people we’ve actually read the Hague Convention, and it definitely doesn’t mention lush greens and challenging water obstacles anywhere.” A Pentagon spokesman commented,...

US Ambassador Regrets Suggesting New Year’s After Party at His Place

US Ambassador Regrets Suggesting New Year’s After Party at His Place

The US Ambassador to Iraq has confessed feeling some regret that his drunken invitation for “Everyone to come back to my place to keep this party going!” has ended with the sacking of the Embassy. A spokesman for the Ambassador commented, “Look, its New Year, and to be frank the party at the British Embassy had been pretty lame, just loads of warm beer and sexual repression. So, it’s perfectly understandable that we would want to liven things up. How...

US Confirms Jared Leading on Wakanda Deal

US Confirms Jared Leading on Wakanda Deal

The United States State Department has confirmed that Jared Kushner has taken on the trade negotiations with African superpower Wakanda. A spokesman stated, “Jared is clearly the best placed official to take on this challenge. After all he’s spent all of 2019 dealing with such fantastical places as ‘Palestine’, and the mind-bending concept of a ‘Two-State Solution’. I mean come on, ‘Two States’? That’s as laughable as another Fantastic Four reboot.” A Palestinian negotiator commented, “I swear if we told...

Britain Now Safe for Jews, Everyone Else Fucked

Britain Now Safe for Jews, Everyone Else Fucked

Following the overwhelming defeat of Jeremy Corbyn at this week’s General Election, it has been confirmed that the UK’s Jewish population can now rest easy in their beds. A spokesperson for the Chief Rabbi commented, “We are relieved to see that our British home has rejected the scourge of anti-Semitism that was allowed to run rampant under Mr. Corbyn. Of course, we do appreciate that this means that the guys over at the local mosque are now well and truly...

White House Confirms: Only Poor Muslims Can Be Terrorists

White House Confirms: Only Poor Muslims Can Be Terrorists

A White House spokesman has confirmed that only those earning less than $100 a year can be properly defined as terrorists, whilst those from ‘good homes’ probably just needed a high-quality East Coast counsellor to talk through their anger issues with. “The President has been speaking to King Salman this morning and the two are in agreement that the tragic incident in Pensacola could have been easily avoided if only the gunman had had access to really high end anti-depression...

Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving

Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving

It has been confirmed that President Trump used his recent visit to Afghanistan to order US Army commanders to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry Christmas’ sign being displayed on the USS Eisenhower, we’ve realized that only massive military force can protect our sacred holidays....

Giuliani Offers to Take Fall for Netanyahu Too

Giuliani Offers to Take Fall for Netanyahu Too

Former Mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani has offered to admit to an Israeli court that he has been running a back-channel operation receiving money and gifts from wealthy donors without the knowledge of Prime Minister Netanyahu. A spokesman for Mr. Giuliani commented, “Rudy has already accepted that he will be the blood sacrifice for the latest episode of ‘Shit the GOP is ready to swallow’, so he thinks why not go for the two-for-one. And frankly what’s really worse?...

Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran

Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran

Following the overwhelming success of his first book Triggered, Donald Trump Jr., the Trump kid voted most likely to have a dead stripper in the trunk of his Lincoln Town Car three years in a row, has announced that his next project will be a detailed analysis of the Koran and its meaning in the modern world. A spokesman commented, “It’s important that people appreciate that Mr Trump Jr. not only has unique insights into the world of politics but...

Bloomberg Prepared to Lead Israel

Bloomberg Prepared to Lead Israel

Former Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, has confirmed that in the highly unlikely outcome that his potential third attempt to become US President is unsuccessful he is more than willing to step in to lead Israel. A spokesman for Mr Bloomberg commented, “It’s clearly a longshot because we all recognize how amazingly successful independent candidates have been in presidential campaigns.  Come on we all remember Perot and the other one……… However, if against all odds it doesn’t work out...

World’s Most Profitable Corporation Somehow More Valuable Than Bullshit Dot-Com Companies

World’s Most Profitable Corporation Somehow More Valuable Than Bullshit Dot-Com Companies

Analysts have been caught off guard by the announcement that Saudi oil monopoly, Aramco, is more valuable than the latest vegan pet food delivery startup out of Silicon Valley. One commented, “It appears that having a lock on the substance currently enabling the world to get from A to B, makes for a massively valuable corporation. Who knew? Apparently, this is moderately more useful than the connected fridge/emoji generator/massage chair that just pulled in a $100m A Round investment.” A...

Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy

Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy

Special forces Belgian Malinois, ‘Classified’ has been named by President Trump as his new envoy to the Middle East. The very good puppy was selected for the position following his key role in the death of ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi earlier this week. A spokesman for the President commented, “Loyal without question, willing to do anything for a belly rub, and at his happiest curled at the end of the President’s bed. These are just some of the qualities...

Pence and Pompeo Book Airbnb in Tel Aviv

Pence and Pompeo Book Airbnb in Tel Aviv

Sources have confirmed that the US Vice President and Secretary of State have booked an extended stay in a two-bedroom property close to the beach in Tel Aviv. A spokesman for Vice President Pence commented, “This is a long planned and well-deserved vacation for the guys. They’ve been promising each other they would carve out some quality time since the spring, and this has worked out perfectly. Although this is supposed to be a holiday, they made sure to click...

Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working

Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working

With the Middle East once again in turmoil, Jared Kushner, who has high hopes of becoming a ‘real boy’ one day soon, believes his iPhone may have malfunctioned. A spokesman for the wooden puppe….. senior advisor to the President commented, “Jared is certain he hasn’t dropped his phone down a toilet recently, so he thinks this might be to do with a new software update he hasn’t installed. We’ve urged him to get down to an Apple Store but he...

Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty

Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty

The latest effort to open up the Kingdom has not been met with the anticipated level of excitement from the international business community. One Western CEO commented, “OK great, now I can technically share a room with Karen from accounts when we are next in Riyadh. But how is that really going to happen if we can’t get properly buzzed first in the hotel bar? Think about it. She has to get over the fact that I’m a middle-aged guy...

Mossad Studies Qatar Olympics Preparation for Tips

Mossad Studies Qatar Olympics Preparation for Tips

Israeli security services have been studying with interest efforts by the Qatari authorities to snuff people out using unusual methods. A spokesman commented, “We pride ourselves on being the masters of ensuring that people we have an issue with have all sorts of unfortunate accidents. But these guys’ Olympic organizing committee is doing some next level shit. Heat, height and sleep deprivation are all proven ‘accident’ enablers, but it’s really the clever combinations they are putting together that are so...

Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu

Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu

Allies and friends of Prime Minister Netanyahu have expressed shock and surprise that Arab political parties, united under the Joint List party, have decided not to back their man in his attempt to continue his premiership and/or delay his visit to a local jail. A spokesman commented, “This really came out of the blue. I mean what have we ever done to upset those guys? We’re all scratching our heads around here. Do you think maybe they got the wrong...

Saudis Plan on Reducing Oil Supply to One Really Expensive Barrel

Saudis Plan on Reducing Oil Supply to One Really Expensive Barrel

Following the spike in oil prices following the attack on their facilities earlier this week Saudi authorities have decided to simplify their lives by restricting the world’s oil supply to one golden barrel located in a secret facility in the Riyadh area. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “It’s been clear to us for some time that being the world’s largest oil supplier is just a massive pain in the ass. It’s a lot of upkeep, no one likes us,...

John Bolton Joins Hamas

John Bolton Joins Hamas

Former National Security Advisor, John Bolton, is understood to have joined Hamas early today.  A press release from the organisation stated; “We’ve kept our eye on Mr. Bolton for a long time now and we were excited to hear he had been released from his contract by the Trump administration. We’ve been big fans since his enthusiasm for the Iraq war, well let’s face it any kind of war. I think it’s fair to say that we and many organizations...

New Jared Peace Plan Based on Sharpie Success

New Jared Peace Plan Based on Sharpie Success

Not content with the awe that the unveiling of his first stab at a peace plan created, Jared Kushner (The Trump son-in-law voted most likely to be a real, live boy) has released an expansion of the plan. “You have to appreciate that the modern Middle East is really just a lot of lines on a map drawn in by Westerners,” he commented. “And well, if recent events have taught me anything, it’s that the Trump family loves doodling on...