Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working
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Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working

With the Middle East once again in turmoil, Jared Kushner, who has high hopes of becoming a ‘real boy’ one day soon, believes his iPhone may have malfunctioned. A spokesman for the wooden puppe….. senior advisor to the President commented, “Jared is certain he hasn’t dropped his phone down a toilet recently, so he thinks this might be to do...

Mossad Studies Qatar Olympics Preparation for Tips

Mossad Studies Qatar Olympics Preparation for Tips

Israeli security services have been studying with interest efforts by the Qatari authorities to snuff people out using unusual methods. A spokesman commented, “We pride ourselves on being the masters of ensuring that people we have an issue with have all sorts of unfortunate accidents. But these guys’ Olympic organizing committee is doing some next level shit. Heat, height and...

Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu

Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu

Allies and friends of Prime Minister Netanyahu have expressed shock and surprise that Arab political parties, united under the Joint List party, have decided not to back their man in his attempt to continue his premiership and/or delay his visit to a local jail. A spokesman commented, “This really came out of the blue. I mean what have we ever...

Saudis Plan on Reducing Oil Supply to One Really Expensive Barrel

Saudis Plan on Reducing Oil Supply to One Really Expensive Barrel

Following the spike in oil prices following the attack on their facilities earlier this week Saudi authorities have decided to simplify their lives by restricting the world’s oil supply to one golden barrel located in a secret facility in the Riyadh area. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “It’s been clear to us for some time that being the world’s...

John Bolton Joins Hamas
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John Bolton Joins Hamas

Former National Security Advisor, John Bolton, is understood to have joined Hamas early today.  A press release from the organisation stated; “We’ve kept our eye on Mr. Bolton for a long time now and we were excited to hear he had been released from his contract by the Trump administration. We’ve been big fans since his enthusiasm for the Iraq...

New Jared Peace Plan Based on Sharpie Success

New Jared Peace Plan Based on Sharpie Success

Not content with the awe that the unveiling of his first stab at a peace plan created, Jared Kushner (The Trump son-in-law voted most likely to be a real, live boy) has released an expansion of the plan. “You have to appreciate that the modern Middle East is really just a lot of lines on a map drawn in by...

IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time
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IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time

Beqaa Valley, Lebanon — The Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and Hezbollah have been forced to admit their highly publicized conflict has in fact been a total fraud. An IDF spokesman confirmed, “Yep, the jig is up. The dummy soldiers spotted this week are really just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, the last decades of conflict have been faked...

Israel Picks Salman of Saudi Arabia as New King

Israel Picks Salman of Saudi Arabia as New King

Following high-level negotiations between Jerusalem and Riyadh, it has been confirmed that King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques will be adding Israel to his portfolio later this year. The decision was made following concern that President Donald Trump might actually proclaim himself regent with a view to turning the Golan Heights into a giant...

President Trump Buys Yemen

President Trump Buys Yemen

Following the refusal of the Danish government to consider selling him Greenland, President Trump has set his sights on the Middle Eastern country voted “Most Bombable” five years in a row. A spokesman for the President commented, “Frankly we were just testing the waters with Greenland. But it was clear early on that there was a high risk we would...

Iran Left Off Email Chain Re: Jared Plan for Peace
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Iran Left Off Email Chain Re: Jared Plan for Peace

There have been red faces all-round the US State Department this week as a junior official confirmed that Iran had inadvertently not been included in the recipient list for the Jared Kushner peace plan. The revelation has provided a clear explanation for their recent saber rattling in the Gulf. They just hadn’t been made aware that all the problems had...

ISIS Leaders Reveal ‘Secrets’, Joining Trump in New Age of Transparency
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ISIS Leaders Reveal ‘Secrets’, Joining Trump in New Age of Transparency

Following the lead from the US President, terror cell leaders are striving to become much more open regarding their future plans. From their last holdouts across Syria, ISIS are leading the new wave of sharing. In an online video posted yesterday a spokesman for the group stood in front of a large white board clearly indicating the groups location, composition...

Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers
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Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers

Lovers of good music have flocked to the BDS demand to boycott the Eurovision final planned for Tel Aviv this year. One critic confirmed, “We don’t have any particular view on the complexities of a two-state solution or the future of the Golan Heights. However, I think we can all get on board with the idea that the Eurovision contest...

“Saudi Crucifixion” a Step Too Far for British Government

“Saudi Crucifixion” a Step Too Far for British Government

A British Government spokesperson has confirmed that “nailing them up” is very much where they draw the line when it comes to what’s “cool” in international relations. “We’ve kept quiet when our Saudi friends have indulged it a bit of hand chopping. I mean come on, you’ve got two. But we did make some disgruntled noises around the beheading business....

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”
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Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep...

18 Million Syrians LOL at Steve King’s Meme Game

18 Million Syrians LOL at Steve King’s Meme Game

The post-war population of Syria has been forced to give props for Republican Representative Steve King, as he again demonstrates his totally on-point meme game. One commented, “Whatever side of the issue you’re on, and we know all about sides here, comedy gold has no sect or creed. Kudos, Mr. King. You. Are. Hilarious.” Another war-ravaged survivor said, “Some people...

Vice President Pence Invites Irish PM’s Boyfriend to Roof

Vice President Pence Invites Irish PM’s Boyfriend to Roof

Vice President Pence has invited Dr. Matthew Barrett, partner of Irish Prime Minister, Leo Varadkar to the roof of his official residence, the Naval Observatory. Mr. Pence extended the invitation following an awkward Friends of Ireland breakfast, at which neither Dr. Barrett or Mr. Varadkar were struck down by lightning. One attendee commented, “The Vice President kept on looking upwards...

Jared Kushner Takes Extended Tour of Middle East

Jared Kushner Takes Extended Tour of Middle East

Presidential aide, Jared Kushner, has made a surprise decision to undertake an extended tour of the Middle East. A spokesman for the President’s son-in-law commented, “I think we can all agree that peace in the region is just moments away. However, Mr. Kushner felt there were still some areas which he hadn’t had the chance to experience. Yemen for example....

Iranian Leadership: “Just Be Unhappy Like All Other Damn Western Couples”

Iranian Leadership: “Just Be Unhappy Like All Other Damn Western Couples”

Iranian religious leadership has reaffirmed their strong stance that marriage is something that should be endured until either the sweet release of death, or failing that a damn good divorce lawyer. “We won’t stand for all this happiness and displays of affection around this sacred bond,” remarked a spokesman for the religious police. “Why can’t they be miserable like my...