Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

Americans Ask, “Don’t We Have Any Cheaper Bombs?”

Americans Ask, “Don’t We Have Any Cheaper Bombs?”

Following the news that the US has spent $2.7 billion on bombing Islamic State, people have begun to ask, “Can’t we start using the cheaper bombs?” Armchair commentator, Bob James said, “The thick end of three billion just seems a lot when we’re talking about people driving around in vehicles that I expect to see in the parking lot of an Alabama...

Thank God that UAE Pilot is Foxy
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Thank God that UAE Pilot is Foxy

Remember the UAE Arab-Muslim female fighter pilot and her F-16 Fighting Falcon that blasted ISIS members to Never-Never Land? Well, media outlets around the world were joined in collective relief that the UAE fighter pilot, Major Mariam al-Mansouri is very ‘easy on the eye’. Middle East Editor for the New York Times Peter Johnson said, “let’s be honest recent developments in...

Saudi Wins “Sexist of the Year” 28th year running

Saudi Wins “Sexist of the Year” 28th year running

A Saudi Arabian groom has been crowned “Sexist of the Year 2014”, meaning the title will stay in the man-crazy desert kingdom for the 28th year straight [sic]. The groom ran away with the title when he divorced his bride the moment she unveiled herself at their arranged marriage. Saudi marriage commentator Hasim Rahman said, “Personally, I think everyone should...

Oh Good, Some More Religion to Fight Over
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Oh Good, Some More Religion to Fight Over

Scholars around the world were celebrating the discovery of a 5,000-year old wall in Northern Israel that is likely to be paying tribute to the ancient moon god Nanna. In a region where there has recently been a noticeable lack of excuses for mass murder, this discovery may have come at just the right time. Oxford Professor Theo Dickell, at...

Obama Declares He’s Resigning and Going on Hajj

Obama Declares He’s Resigning and Going on Hajj

President Obama is throwing in the towel and going on the Hajj. The visibly emotional Commander in Chief made the announcement at a White House press briefing earlier today. “I thought the last straw was watching Sarah Palin give an incoherent speech that made her look like the messy MILF you avoid at your cousins wedding, and realizing millions of you think she would...

Amnesty International Reports, ‘Pope Catholic?’
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Amnesty International Reports, ‘Pope Catholic?’

Senior Amnesty International analysts will be travelling later this week to Vatican City to begin a study into the Pope’s religious inclinations. Fresh from their ground-breaking report that Islamic State militants in Iraq were probably ‘a bit naughty’, the international human rights group will be eager to build further on their reputation on telling anyone with a shred of common...

‘Islamic State’ just not that into day-to-day politics
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‘Islamic State’ just not that into day-to-day politics

The ‘Islamic State’ (IS) has expressed surprisingly little interest in the makeup of the new Iraqi government, spokesman Nidal Nuseiri said. “This hum drum daily grind stuff just isn’t our thing. We like to deal in broad strokes, preferably in a downward direction.” “I’m sure it makes the Satan worshipers over in Washington feel good to see the new Cabinet...

UN Report on Gaza War Triggers Existential Crisis for IDF and Hamas
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UN Report on Gaza War Triggers Existential Crisis for IDF and Hamas

A long awaited report from the UN on the 2014 Israel-Gaza War has triggered a mutual meltdown in the IDF and Hamas. The Head of Public Affairs, IDF Brigadier General David Goldstein commented, “I was just putting the finishing touches to a well written and convincing description of the fog of war, decision loops, and how that led to the...

Syrians Welcome BBC Clean Air Report
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Syrians Welcome BBC Clean Air Report

Syrians have welcomed a new BBC report stating that air quality has improved substantially in the Middle East since the start of the civil war. Syrian civilian Abu Uba commented, “It’s really amazing news. Apparently levels of nitrogen dioxide have plummeted over Damascus and Aleppo. My family’s life expectancy should sky rocket. If it wasn’t for, you know, rockets…” One...

Standards Likely to be Lowered in Syrian Rebel Recruitment
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Standards Likely to be Lowered in Syrian Rebel Recruitment

As the number of Syrian rebels undergoing US Army training reaches 60 of the hoped-for 5,400, US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter has admitted that standards may have to “drop just a tad.” “At the moment a lot of people seem to think we are a being a bit too prescriptive in our selection procedure. For example, we ask whether they’ve...

Fox News Poll: President Carter Worse than Islamic State

Fox News Poll: President Carter Worse than Islamic State

A Fox News Poll published today will confirm that the 39th President of the United States is a greater danger to the American way of life than the psychopaths of the Islamic State. Carter, raised on a Communist peanut commune, was a draft dodger (before there was a draft), and hid out on nuclear submarines, probably in an attempt to...

Turkish Situation Last Straw for Israel
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Turkish Situation Last Straw for Israel

Israel has confirmed in an interview with The Mideast Beast (TMB) that this nonsense with Turkey has convinced it that it’s time to leave the region. “Look I’ve been trying to make this work since at least 1948, but shit is just getting more messed up by the day. I wake up this morning, pick up my copy of The Jerusalem...

Toyota Issues Urgent Recall Following Gaza Explosions
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Toyota Issues Urgent Recall Following Gaza Explosions

Toyota has ordered an immediate recall of all Corollas in the Gaza area following a mysterious set of explosions. A spokesman for the Japanese car giant said, “We’ve had problems with the AC on the 1992 models before, but to be honest we’ve never had a whole bunch just spontaneously combust. It’s a mystery we must get to the bottom...

Yemen Peace Talks Stalled as Everyone Prefers Staying In Geneva
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Yemen Peace Talks Stalled as Everyone Prefers Staying In Geneva

Peace talks between Yemen’s warring factions have failed to produce a ceasefire agreement as all sides attempt to extend their time in beautiful Switzerland. Yemen President Riad Yassin squarely placed the blame on the rebel Shiite Houthi side; “My team and I are just sitting here cooling our heels in the Four Seasons, and all I all see on their...

Lack of Iraqi Army Recruits Shock U.S. Military Officials
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Lack of Iraqi Army Recruits Shock U.S. Military Officials

US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter has expressed surprise at the lack of young Iraqi men desperate to have their heads handed to them by a bunch of medieval sociopaths. “I mean come on, the government is offering what $5.00-$6.00 a day and your very own only slightly used AK-47,” commented Carter at a recent event in Washington. “Plus you get to...

Islamic State Grabs ‘MILF’ Brand
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Islamic State Grabs ‘MILF’ Brand

Public Relations experts with the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) have expressed delight at the recent decision by the Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF) to hand over their weapons and enter a peace accord with the government of the Philippines. “This is just a great opportunity for us to rebrand as the Muslim Islamic Liberation Front. We’ve...

Belgium Objects to “Failure” Comments by Iraqi PM

Belgium Objects to “Failure” Comments by Iraqi PM

Belgium, the small North Sea-facing, chocolate eating, beer drinking nation has objected to being lumped in with the ‘world’ in comments by Iraqi Prime Minister, Haider al-Abadi. In an interview with The Israeli Daily, plucky Belgium noted, “I think what Mr al-Abadi meant by “failure on the part of the world”, was what the rest of us call ‘America’. Frankly...

‘This might be more complicated than we thought,’ admits everyone
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‘This might be more complicated than we thought,’ admits everyone

The professional commentator and activist communities were all thrown into joint turmoil recently with confirmation that the UAE and Egypt had combined forces to bomb pickup truck-driving locals in downtown Tripoli. “Say what now?” asked Expressive Dance student, Evan Gents, from his squat in the East End of London. “Woah, you’re blowing my mind. Do I need to add some more lines...