Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”
Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.
Scholars around the world were celebrating the discovery of a 5,000-year old wall in Northern Israel that is likely to be paying tribute to the ancient moon god Nanna. In a region where there has recently been a noticeable lack of excuses for mass murder, this discovery may have come at just the right time. Oxford Professor Theo Dickell, at...
President Obama is throwing in the towel and going on the Hajj. The visibly emotional Commander in Chief made the announcement at a White House press briefing earlier today. “I thought the last straw was watching Sarah Palin give an incoherent speech that made her look like the messy MILF you avoid at your cousins wedding, and realizing millions of you think she would...
Senior Amnesty International analysts will be travelling later this week to Vatican City to begin a study into the Pope’s religious inclinations. Fresh from their ground-breaking report that Islamic State militants in Iraq were probably ‘a bit naughty’, the international human rights group will be eager to build further on their reputation on telling anyone with a shred of common...
The ‘Islamic State’ (IS) has expressed surprisingly little interest in the makeup of the new Iraqi government, spokesman Nidal Nuseiri said. “This hum drum daily grind stuff just isn’t our thing. We like to deal in broad strokes, preferably in a downward direction.” “I’m sure it makes the Satan worshipers over in Washington feel good to see the new Cabinet...
A long awaited report from the UN on the 2014 Israel-Gaza War has triggered a mutual meltdown in the IDF and Hamas. The Head of Public Affairs, IDF Brigadier General David Goldstein commented, “I was just putting the finishing touches to a well written and convincing description of the fog of war, decision loops, and how that led to the...
Syrians have welcomed a new BBC report stating that air quality has improved substantially in the Middle East since the start of the civil war. Syrian civilian Abu Uba commented, “It’s really amazing news. Apparently levels of nitrogen dioxide have plummeted over Damascus and Aleppo. My family’s life expectancy should sky rocket. If it wasn’t for, you know, rockets…” One...
As the number of Syrian rebels undergoing US Army training reaches 60 of the hoped-for 5,400, US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter has admitted that standards may have to “drop just a tad.” “At the moment a lot of people seem to think we are a being a bit too prescriptive in our selection procedure. For example, we ask whether they’ve...
A Fox News Poll published today will confirm that the 39th President of the United States is a greater danger to the American way of life than the psychopaths of the Islamic State. Carter, raised on a Communist peanut commune, was a draft dodger (before there was a draft), and hid out on nuclear submarines, probably in an attempt to...
The Israeli Government has admitted setting up a crisis center in case it turns out douche bag of the day Walter James Palmer is a Jew. Spokeswoman Eva Goldberg commented; “It would be just typical that just as we got over the hump of ‘Gaza One Year On’, this asshat turns out to be one of ours. I think I...
Israel has confirmed in an interview with The Mideast Beast (TMB) that this nonsense with Turkey has convinced it that it’s time to leave the region. “Look I’ve been trying to make this work since at least 1948, but shit is just getting more messed up by the day. I wake up this morning, pick up my copy of The Jerusalem...
Toyota has ordered an immediate recall of all Corollas in the Gaza area following a mysterious set of explosions. A spokesman for the Japanese car giant said, “We’ve had problems with the AC on the 1992 models before, but to be honest we’ve never had a whole bunch just spontaneously combust. It’s a mystery we must get to the bottom...
Peace talks between Yemen’s warring factions have failed to produce a ceasefire agreement as all sides attempt to extend their time in beautiful Switzerland. Yemen President Riad Yassin squarely placed the blame on the rebel Shiite Houthi side; “My team and I are just sitting here cooling our heels in the Four Seasons, and all I all see on their...
US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter has expressed surprise at the lack of young Iraqi men desperate to have their heads handed to them by a bunch of medieval sociopaths. “I mean come on, the government is offering what $5.00-$6.00 a day and your very own only slightly used AK-47,” commented Carter at a recent event in Washington. “Plus you get to...
Belgium, the small North Sea-facing, chocolate eating, beer drinking nation has objected to being lumped in with the ‘world’ in comments by Iraqi Prime Minister, Haider al-Abadi. In an interview with The Israeli Daily, plucky Belgium noted, “I think what Mr al-Abadi meant by “failure on the part of the world”, was what the rest of us call ‘America’. Frankly...
The professional commentator and activist communities were all thrown into joint turmoil recently with confirmation that the UAE and Egypt had combined forces to bomb pickup truck-driving locals in downtown Tripoli. “Say what now?” asked Expressive Dance student, Evan Gents, from his squat in the East End of London. “Woah, you’re blowing my mind. Do I need to add some more lines...
President Bashar al-Assad recently authorized air strikes on militia units in northern Montana in collaboration with elements of the Canadian Defence Forces and the UN. The White House was kept fully informed of the operation. The Syrian Leader was quoted, “to be completely honest I just felt that the world had become so completely unhinged that this didn’t seem that...
Advanced elements of the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) were arriving last night in the Lone Star State to augment Texas State Guard units in their brave resistance against Muslim Special Forces “wage war against Americans.” Colonel Yoni Fluffberg of the IDF commented, “We got a video call yesterday from the Governors office. At first it was hard to make out what...
Full-time Prime Minister and part-time Banana Republic ‘Seniors’ model, Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu was accused by his peers at the United Nations a few months ago of ‘just never being bloody satisfied.’ “Will he just give it a rest for a day,” complained Ban Ki-moon in a rare moment of candour. “We’ve got every man and his dog dropping explosives on ISIS,...
In a move guaranteed to delight fan boys everywhere, the IDF has agreed to a ten-year marketing agreement with the people that brought you The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy. The move means that from now on IDF operations will not be burdened with such yawn-encouraging names as “Cast Lead” or “Protective Edge” and instead will benefit from much snappier...
Extreme wedding crashers, known as ‘Lehava‘, have been praised for drawing attention to the most pressing threat to Israeli security to occur since Israel’s Independence: crazy Israeli-Jews. For some time analysts have been torn between deciding whether continued moves by Iran to marry long range ballistic missiles with nuclear weapons or the zone of insecurity caused by the fighting in Syria...
