Assad Advises Never Inject Bleach, Just Breathe It In

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President Assad of Syria, the guy other Middle East dictators would never let their daughters date because, you know, ‘standards’, has weighed into the bleach debate. In a news conference late Friday, flanked by his senior medical advisors he stated, “Look, I’m amazed I have to say this but please don’t inject yourself with bleach. It’s just an insane waste of good chemicals. You know my government hates waste, which is why we always deliver the good stuff by airburst. All the benefits delivered directly to your lungs. If my crack medical team thinks this is something that would help with CV-19 we will of course act rapidly. As quickly in fact as our jets can get airborne. And we pledge that not one of our citizens will be left out. Just look up when you hear the bombers… we mean ‘humanitarian airlift’ overhead and get ready to suck in the ‘medicine’.

A White House spokesman commented, “Fuck it, I’ve got nothing. Satire is dead.”