Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

New London Mayor Promises to Create “Londonistan”

New London Mayor Promises to Create “Londonistan”

Newly elected London Mayor, Sadiq Khan has promised right-wing American bloggers that he will be carrying out the secret plan to create “Londonistan” just as soon as he finishes this nice cup of tea and gets through a very small list of minor tasks. “Apparently there are just some very small things on my to-do list that I have to...

Israeli Army and Hamas Clash Over “Batman V Superman”
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Israeli Army and Hamas Clash Over “Batman V Superman”

A fresh round of fighting has broken out along parts of the Israel-Gaza border following screenings of Batman V Superman in Tel Aviv and Gaza City. Colonel Daniel Shitzberg of the Secret Special Film Reviewing Unit of the Israel Defense Force (IDF) commented to The Mideast Beast; “All I did was post a review on our Facebook page stating that there...

America Outlasts Russia in “Last Hand on Syria” Competition
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America Outlasts Russia in “Last Hand on Syria” Competition

President Obama has claimed victory over Russia in their recent “Hands on Syria” contest during his weekly Presidential address, “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to confirm that all those years of training at NASCAR races in competitions to win a Ford F-150 have at last paid off. Those weak willed Russians just didn’t have what it takes to keep awake...

Syrian “Truce” to Be Developed Into “Truce or Dare” next Week
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Syrian “Truce” to Be Developed Into “Truce or Dare” next Week

All parties to the Syrian conflict have agreed that the two-day old truce is OK but really needs to be livened up if everyone is going to stick with it. Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov commented, “I’ve personally enjoyed having my morning coffee without being interrupted every five minutes by Human Rights Watch. However, I think this whole ‘not bombing...

Palestinians Reject Oscar Awards Swag Bags
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Palestinians Reject Oscar Awards Swag Bags

Attempts by director Mike Leigh to encourage Oscar nominees to hand over their gift bags to Palestinians has been met with wide spread disinterest across the region. Local man Andrew James commented; “Apparently Mr. Leigh is upset that it includes a luxury trip to Israel. I guess I could get worked up about that, but I’m too busy worrying how...

Pope and Patriarch Confirm ‘It’s All the Jews’ Fault’

Pope and Patriarch Confirm ‘It’s All the Jews’ Fault’

At the first historic meeting between the East and West Christian churches since the 11th century, the two senior funny hat-wearers agreed that their split had all been the fault of those Jews. Pope Francis stated “From what we can understand it was a Jew that told my predecessor that those guys in Constantinople had been talking shit behind his...

Drone Acted Alone Say Friends
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Drone Acted Alone Say Friends

Friends of the Israeli drone that was allegedly shot down over Iran last August have claimed that he acted alone, out of a mixture of boredom and bravado. An IDF Heron 450 Unmanned Aerial vehicle said, “Yeah, Yoni always was a bit rogue. During basic training he often faked a ‘lost link’ situation just so he could go off and buzz the...

EXCLUSIVE: Auschwitz Price-Fixing Exposé Proves Israelis are Perfectly Capable of Fucking Each Other Over
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EXCLUSIVE: Auschwitz Price-Fixing Exposé Proves Israelis are Perfectly Capable of Fucking Each Other Over

Israeli police have confirmed that their investigation into a suspected price-fixing scheme by Israeli travel agencies who organize school trips to former Nazi death camps shows that the tragedy of the Holocaust is no reason for some Jews to be massive assholes to each other. As Chief Inspector Yossi Cohen of the Jerusalem Serious Fraud Office told The Mideast Beast: “Basically there are some Jews that are real douche bags…...

Ebola Virus Would Be Taken More Seriously as a Threat If the IDF Were Involved
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Ebola Virus Would Be Taken More Seriously as a Threat If the IDF Were Involved

Jerusalem — World Health Officials (WHO) are calling for an exciting new approach to disease-control by suggesting a tie up with leading social media opinion dividers, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) A spokesmen for the WHO, John Smith, was quoted saying, “seriously, this stuff makes you bleed out of your freaking eyes, just thinking about it wants to make me...

Iraqi Troops “Shocked” By Idea They Were Supposed To Fight
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Iraqi Troops “Shocked” By Idea They Were Supposed To Fight

Baghdad — Iraqi Prime Minister Haider al-Abadi has explained in a BBC interview that his brave boys were simply surprised by the concept that they were supposed to do something with all that Western-supplied shiny equipment and training. “Be reasonable, how were we supposed to know you actually wanted some sort of return on investment?” commented Mr. al-Abadi from his...

Israeli Navy Intercepts Gaza Bound Vessels to Ease Crushing Boredom

Israeli Navy Intercepts Gaza Bound Vessels to Ease Crushing Boredom

A senior Israeli Navy official has confirmed that they intercept boats in international waters out of “sheer boredom and wanting something to do.” IDF General Shay Blowitz, Head of Staff Morale admitted to The Mideast Beast, “Can you imagine how crushingly boring it is travelling up and down the Israeli coast? And don’t get me started on the sexual frustration...

Israeli Arms Industry Excited About Iranian Market
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Israeli Arms Industry Excited About Iranian Market

Israeli arms companies reacted with predictable enthusiasm on the announcement of the nuclear deal with Iran and the lifting of sanctions. Yoni Fluffberg, Vice President of Communications at Elbit Systems commented, “We’ve been lobbying for the chance to supply Iran for years. For us it’s the complete package. Disputes with their neighbours, shit loads of cash from natural resources, and...

Iraqis Love-Bomb ISIS; Everyone Trying not to Look Surprised

Iraqis Love-Bomb ISIS; Everyone Trying not to Look Surprised

As news broke that Iraqi military pilots had ‘love-bombed’ ISIS militants with food and ammunitions, international military experts were practicing their ‘surprised’ faces in bathroom mirrors. “No way!!!” exclaimed one retired General with eyebrows pushed firmly up his forehead and jaw in the fully dropped position. “They did what now? That is completely surprising to me and in no way something...

Israeli Teenage Boys Conflicted
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Israeli Teenage Boys Conflicted

Teenage boys all over Israel are conflicted over whether it’s OK to “spank the Rabbi” over some Hollywood chick who’s come out as anti-Semitic. Elie Hognuts, a hairy palmed 15 year old from Tel Aviv said “ever since the movie Vanilla Sky, I’ve been enjoying a “private visit to the Western Wall” with the thought of Penelope Cruz as a sexy religious...

France Prepares to Bomb Syria because Libya has Turned Out So Well
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France Prepares to Bomb Syria because Libya has Turned Out So Well

Following last week’s ISIS attacks on Paris, French President François Hollande confirmed in a news conference today that it would be ‘Bombs Away’ later this week; “I think everyone will agree with me that Libya is a shining example of what a good old fashioned dose of bombing will do. And if we can be half as successful in Syria...

Americans Ask, “Don’t We Have Any Cheaper Bombs?”

Americans Ask, “Don’t We Have Any Cheaper Bombs?”

Following the news that the US has spent $2.7 billion on bombing Islamic State, people have begun to ask, “Can’t we start using the cheaper bombs?” Armchair commentator, Bob James said, “The thick end of three billion just seems a lot when we’re talking about people driving around in vehicles that I expect to see in the parking lot of an Alabama...

Thank God that UAE Pilot is Foxy
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Thank God that UAE Pilot is Foxy

Remember the UAE Arab-Muslim female fighter pilot and her F-16 Fighting Falcon that blasted ISIS members to Never-Never Land? Well, media outlets around the world were joined in collective relief that the UAE fighter pilot, Major Mariam al-Mansouri is very ‘easy on the eye’. Middle East Editor for the New York Times Peter Johnson said, “let’s be honest recent developments in...