Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”
Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.
The inflammatory tweet came late last Thursday and followed hard on the heels of the President expressing similar support for Virginia, Michigan and Minnesota. A White House spokesman commented, “Look it was late, the President was enjoying his usual evening habit of poring over the Federalist Papers and a biography of Benjamin Franklin, because what a lot of people don’t...
The respiratory coronavirus disease. COVID-19, is to be offered the Chair of OPEC in recognition of its pivotal role in reducing oil demand. A spokesman for the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries commented, “This is very much a situation where it’s better to get them pissing outside the tent rather than pissing in. This diligent new virus has pretty...
In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State has confirmed that there are awards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re...
A spokesman for Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) has confirmed that COVID-19 has sadly impacted everyone with a difference of opinion from the Crown Prince. “We can confirm that the virus currently sweeping the world has had a particularly strong impact on individuals that have ever expressed less than 100% support for the current leadership. We can only surmise that...
People are preparing for wide-spread peace and reconciliation to break out across the Middle East once President Trump has some spare time from curing viruses with his ‘natural medical expertise’ I spoke with White House official Leonard Stevens. He said, “This explains a lot. First, we had Jared, who though remarkably lifelike for a real sex doll from the Ralph...
Presidential special advisor and cut-price WestWorld robot, Jared Kushner, has offered the Bernie Sanders campaign a copy of his latest peace plan in case the ‘Democrat’ wins power. Mr. Kushner was encouraged to ‘hedge his bets’ upon realizing the document would only need minor changes to make it palatable to Senator Sanders. A spokesman for the third most lifelike member...
Hezbollah commanders have reached out to Mr. Bloomberg’s people this week, following his Democratic debate appearance, to offer tips on a faster route to martyrdom. A spokesman for the self-immolation experts commented, “Dear god, that was the worst performance we’ve seen since the Iraqi army in 1991. At least those guys knew when to run away. If his plan was...
Residents of the Middle East have been united this week as they remain free of the latest zombie plague originating in China. Israeli bus driver Yehuda Ben-Shalom commented, “It’s just great to read about the world falling apart and not having it headlined with a picture of the Dome of the Rock. We might have to dodge the odd Palestinian...
Global markets, world leaders, and leading experts are breathing a collective sigh of relief as the latest peace plan, proposed by Pinocchio cosplayer of the year Jared Kushner, is turning out not to be the ‘Deal of the Century’. Middle East commentator Steve Kotkin said, “Frankly it would have been a massive pain in the ass if they’d pulled this...
Palestinian leadership are tonight taking on a more relaxed attitude to the latest proposed peace deal as they realize that the US President has a limited knowledge of his own country’s geography, let alone places not well-endowed with golf courses and high-end burger joints. A spokesman for the PLO commented, “We are now more willing to believe that Mr. Trump...
The Trump Israeli-Palestinian peace proposal has been confidently described by experts as highly likely to be just as good and long lasting as the two hundred or so that have proceeded it since 1967. A spokesman for Jared Kushner, special adviser to the President for the Middle East, and the wooden boy that was promised he could be a real...
Insiders have admitted that a much-anticipated meeting between Israeli and US leaders to launch the latest peace plan with the Palestinians, is in truth just a great opportunity to get ‘big-house’ ready. A spokesman for the White House commented, “The President is excited to have someone to show off his first attempts at home made shanks which he’s crafted from...
Online marketing firm The Spinner has admitted that on reflection it should have tackled anti-Semitism and Middle East peace before using its patented ‘brainwashing’ techniques on convincing wives and girlfriends to get breast implants. Co-founder, Elliot Shefler commented, “OK, looking back it’s clear that we may have wasted an opportunity to make the world a better place. But frankly it’s...
Israel today upped the stakes in a potential new role for Prince Harry and his Canadian bride. A government spokesman commented, “Western Canada is nice and all, but we feel that the near constant sunshine of Tel Aviv would be more to their liking. And frankly we find ourselves in a situation where we are going to need a new...
Iran has pushed the world closer to war with a new threat to target golf courses globally. A statement from the Supreme Leader’s office read, “You want to target our mosques and cultural sites? Well then, we will take what you hold most dear. The chance to hit a sweet birdie off the back nine. Unlike some people we’ve actually...
The US Ambassador to Iraq has confessed feeling some regret that his drunken invitation for “Everyone to come back to my place to keep this party going!” has ended with the sacking of the Embassy. A spokesman for the Ambassador commented, “Look, its New Year, and to be frank the party at the British Embassy had been pretty lame, just...
The United States State Department has confirmed that Jared Kushner has taken on the trade negotiations with African superpower Wakanda. A spokesman stated, “Jared is clearly the best placed official to take on this challenge. After all he’s spent all of 2019 dealing with such fantastical places as ‘Palestine’, and the mind-bending concept of a ‘Two-State Solution’. I mean come...
Following the overwhelming defeat of Jeremy Corbyn at this week’s General Election, it has been confirmed that the UK’s Jewish population can now rest easy in their beds. A spokesperson for the Chief Rabbi commented, “We are relieved to see that our British home has rejected the scourge of anti-Semitism that was allowed to run rampant under Mr. Corbyn. Of...
A White House spokesman has confirmed that only those earning less than $100 a year can be properly defined as terrorists, whilst those from ‘good homes’ probably just needed a high-quality East Coast counsellor to talk through their anger issues with. “The President has been speaking to King Salman this morning and the two are in agreement that the tragic...
Former Mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani has offered to admit to an Israeli court that he has been running a back-channel operation receiving money and gifts from wealthy donors without the knowledge of Prime Minister Netanyahu. A spokesman for Mr. Giuliani commented, “Rudy has already accepted that he will be the blood sacrifice for the latest episode of ‘Shit...
