Gret Beater

Gret Beater's parents wanted him to study business at a respectable school but Gret was always better with words than with money, which is what lead him to take out a massive loan to study journalism at Clown College. He was once asked by Robe Lowe, "Why can't you just do cocaine in the bathroom like a normal person?" and was known as the class clown at Clown College, and not for good reasons.

After graduating at the bottom of his class, and inspired by a teacher he told him, "You're not going to make it past 30.” Gret decided to travel the world and write a book about his experiences in a volume titled, Roadkill of the New Jersey Turnpike. It has spent the last 200 weeks on the New York Times' "Affronts to Written Language" list with no sign of falling off anytime soon.

After his literary career cratered faster than Charlie Sheen in a room full of prostitutes, he was hired by The Mideast Beast to cover the shit show that is the most talked about region on the planet.

When not trying to resuscitate the corpse that is his writing career, he enjoys reading North Korean poetry, extreme-crocheting, bad metaphors, and beating literal dead horses.

 

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status
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Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

After an intense, and sometimes hostile comments exchange, Jason Silverstein and Shlomo Horowitz, two liberal Jews from Long Island, claim to have solved most final status issues at the center of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Negotiations started when Jason posted a status on Facebook, berating Secretary of State John Kerry’s speech on Mideast peace. Shlomo, a liberal whose closest experience with...

‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack
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‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack

Earlier today, the Decepticons released a statement claiming responsibility for the Jerusalem truck terror attack that left four Israelis dead. This comes after much confusion when the BBC, New York Times, and other outlets published headlines that made it seem like it was the truck that was to blame for the attack. Indeed, as the attack was still in progress,...

Donald Trump Names Michael Bolton as Potential Special Envoy for Middle East Peace
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Donald Trump Names Michael Bolton as Potential Special Envoy for Middle East Peace

President-Elect Donald Trump announced earlier today that he is considering Michael Bolton as his special envoy for the Middle East Peace process. After the announcement, the question on everyone’s mind is: Doesn’t he mean John Bolton? Special Envoy for Middle East Peace is a position dedicated to bringing an end to the decades-long Israel-Palestinian conflict. John Bolton is a lawyer and diplomat who...

Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria
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Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria

According to the Russian Interfax news service, just in time for the holidays, Russia is planning to deploy an additional S-300 ‘Santa Tracking’ surface to air missile system to Syria. The weapon will be capable of tracking Santa Claus across Syrian airspace. The Russian Ministry of Defense (MoD) insists that the system is nothing for the US or its allies...

Obama to Media: ‘Sorry, I’m All Out of Fucks to Give’

Obama to Media: ‘Sorry, I’m All Out of Fucks to Give’

During a press conference earlier today, when asked about his thoughts on recent developments in the Middle East including Syria, The President, without saying a word, reached into his jacket pocket, came out with nothing, feigned surprise and said “Well, I just checked, and I’m out of fucks to give”. The president has spent much of his time in office...

U.S. Generals Ask, “So How Does This Coup Thing Work?”
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U.S. Generals Ask, “So How Does This Coup Thing Work?”

Several U.S. generals and other high-ranking officers have reportedly approached Turkish preacher Fethullah Gülen for advice: “So we were just wondering how this coup thing works? Asking for a friend, of course…” Fethullah Gülen, “living in self-imposed exile in rural Pennsylvania”, is the alleged force behind the attempted coup in Turkey this past summer. The officers responded to his claims...

Egyptian and Syrian Secret Police Call to Congratulate FBI Director Comey on Election Victory
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Egyptian and Syrian Secret Police Call to Congratulate FBI Director Comey on Election Victory

A source inside the FBI has confirmed to The Mideast Beast that, following the election results last week, FBI director James Comey received several calls of congratulations on the successful manipulation of the U.S. elections from the heads of secret police agencies from around the world. First to call was the Egyptian Mukhābarāt (secret police), responsible for the brutal suppression...