Gret Beater

Gret Beater's parents wanted him to study business at a respectable school but Gret was always better with words than with money, which is what lead him to take out a massive loan to study journalism at Clown College. He was once asked by Robe Lowe, "Why can't you just do cocaine in the bathroom like a normal person?" and was known as the class clown at Clown College, and not for good reasons.

After graduating at the bottom of his class, and inspired by a teacher he told him, "You're not going to make it past 30.” Gret decided to travel the world and write a book about his experiences in a volume titled, Roadkill of the New Jersey Turnpike. It has spent the last 200 weeks on the New York Times' "Affronts to Written Language" list with no sign of falling off anytime soon.

After his literary career cratered faster than Charlie Sheen in a room full of prostitutes, he was hired by The Mideast Beast to cover the shit show that is the most talked about region on the planet.

When not trying to resuscitate the corpse that is his writing career, he enjoys reading North Korean poetry, extreme-crocheting, bad metaphors, and beating literal dead horses.

 

UN Passes Resolution Condemning U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley

UN Passes Resolution Condemning U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley

Earlier this week, the UN general assembly passed a non-binding resolution condemning US Ambassador Nikki Haley as a “Debbie Downer”. In interviews with The Mideast Beast, several delegations to the United Nations have complained that the new US Ambassador to the UN is really bringing the mood down with all the talk of “being fair to Israel” and “addressing rampant...

Kushner and Saudi Crown Prince Enjoyed Xbox Play Date
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Kushner and Saudi Crown Prince Enjoyed Xbox Play Date

Following a story in the Washington Post, journalists and pundits have questioned whether Jared Kushner had anything to do with the recent shakeups in Saudi Arabia. It claimed, “The two princes are said to have stayed up until nearly 4 am several nights, swapping stories and planning strategy.” Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman recently had several princes and other...

Harvey Weinstein to Represent Hollywood at UN; Appointed to Human Rights Council

Harvey Weinstein to Represent Hollywood at UN; Appointed to Human Rights Council

Earlier today, Saudi representative to the Human Rights Council, Abdulaziz Alwasil, welcomed Harvey Weinstein’s appointment as Hollywood’s representative to the UN human rights body. In a statement, Alwasil said that his long and illustrious career of complete disregard for the rights of the women around him made him “a perfect fit for the council”. The allegations of rampant sexual misconduct...

Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”
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Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”

Syrian officials called for international intervention and condemnation of Israel for carrying out airstrikes against their favorite bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”. One Syrian soldier told The Mideast Beast, “you know after a long day, I just wanted to relax with my buddies and have a beer or a cocktail at our favorite watering hole, but now, thanks to the...

White House on Syria: All Nicknames on the Table

White House on Syria: All Nicknames on the Table

The White House released a statement that it has not yet decided on which nickname it will use for the president of Syria, Bashar al-Assad, saying: “all options are on the table”. Leaked documents from the White House posted by the White House to Twitter show that the nicknames under consideration for Assad were in no way limited to Elton...

EU Spokesperson in Israel Discovered to be a Fax Machine From 1994

EU Spokesperson in Israel Discovered to be a Fax Machine From 1994

After nearly 20 years of releasing the same anodyne statements regarding violence between Israelis and Palestinians, calling for “calm” and “restraint on both sides”, the European Union diplomatic offices are facing a potentially embarrassing situation. Officials have been scrambling to explain themselves after it was discovered early last week that the role of spokesperson to the European Union Delegation to...

Linda Sarsour Congratulates Islamic Countries on not Pinkwashing Oppression

Linda Sarsour Congratulates Islamic Countries on not Pinkwashing Oppression

Following the Pride Parade in Tel Aviv this past weekend, many groups and activists condemned Israel for its policy of ‘Pinkwashing’ and congratulated Muslim countries for their continuing oppression of women, minorities, and the LGBTQ+ community. ‘Pinkwashing’ is the accusation that Israel uses its open and inclusive society to cover up alleged abuses against Palestinians. Linda Sarsour – a woman...

Islamic Terror Organizations Condemn US for Withdrawing from Paris Climate Agreement
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Islamic Terror Organizations Condemn US for Withdrawing from Paris Climate Agreement

Islamic State, Al-Qaeda, Boko Haram, and other Islamic terror organizations are growing increasingly concerned that due to Global Warming, there might not be anyone left to kill. In a rare joint statement they condemned the Trump Administration for withdrawing from the Paris Climate Agreement saying “If Climate Change is allowed to continue, there won’t be anyone left for us to kill”. An...

New Intelligence: Thoughts and Prayers Not as Effective as Once Thought
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New Intelligence: Thoughts and Prayers Not as Effective as Once Thought

Internal documents recovered by U.S. Special Forces in Syria revealed that “thoughts and prayers” are not as effective against ISIS as once thought. The documents recovered have revealed that typing a status on Facebook and even to your 100 Twitter followers has not had the desired effect of deterring future attacks, nor have calls by celebrities for co-existence have had much...

Kim Jong-un: ‘Who Do I Have to Kill to Get Some Attention Around Here?’
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Kim Jong-un: ‘Who Do I Have to Kill to Get Some Attention Around Here?’

Kim Jong-un was reportedly dismayed this week when his successful ballistic missile tests failed to garner the international attention that he expected after being overtaken by Trump’s visit to the Middle East. The official news source of the People’s Democratic-nothing-to-see-here- everything-is-super-good-Republic of North Korea released a statement from the leader demanding: “Who the fuck do I have to kill to...

Experts on the Turkish Referendum: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

Experts on the Turkish Referendum: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

Following the Turkish referendum, people are now asking the tough question: What’s the worst that could happen? One expert at the Middle East Center for Stupid Questions (who wished to remain anonymous) said “although it looks bad at first, we can’t be sure that the delegation of even more power to a leader who is accused of wanting to turn...

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

Following the United States’ first use of the world’s largest non-nuclear bomb in combat, multiple terrorist groups condemned the US, rolled their eyes, and said, “you dickheads are just showing off”. An ISIS fighter interviewed by The Mideast Beast sounded exasperated saying “first it was the missiles, then it was the drones, and now this crap? Jesus, can’t they just...

UN Security Council on Syria: ‘All Verbs on the Table’ Following Chemical Attack
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UN Security Council on Syria: ‘All Verbs on the Table’ Following Chemical Attack

Following the US response to this week’s chemical attack in Syria, the United Nations has urged restraint on the part of all parties saying, “We have not exhausted all the possible words in the dictionary”. Representatives from members of the Security Council and General Assembly were threatening to draft a resolution expressing extreme consternation, bewilderment, and even outright stupefaction over the...

U.S. Targets Terror Groups’ Major Weakness: They Hate Layovers
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U.S. Targets Terror Groups’ Major Weakness: They Hate Layovers

Terrorists worldwide are scrambling to deal with the most recent US security restriction of banning personal electronic devices on planes flying directly to the US from several Muslim majority countries. One ISIS operations planner sounded exasperated when he told The Mideast Beast: “We’ve already booked the flight. Do you know how expensive it is to change your tickets? Let’s just say...