Gret Beater

Gret Beater's parents wanted him to study business at a respectable school but Gret was always better with words than with money, which is what lead him to take out a massive loan to study journalism at Clown College. He was once asked by Robe Lowe, "Why can't you just do cocaine in the bathroom like a normal person?" and was known as the class clown at Clown College, and not for good reasons.

After graduating at the bottom of his class, and inspired by a teacher he told him, "You're not going to make it past 30.” Gret decided to travel the world and write a book about his experiences in a volume titled, Roadkill of the New Jersey Turnpike. It has spent the last 200 weeks on the New York Times' "Affronts to Written Language" list with no sign of falling off anytime soon.

After his literary career cratered faster than Charlie Sheen in a room full of prostitutes, he was hired by The Mideast Beast to cover the shit show that is the most talked about region on the planet.

When not trying to resuscitate the corpse that is his writing career, he enjoys reading North Korean poetry, extreme-crocheting, bad metaphors, and beating literal dead horses.

 

President of Iran on ‘Alternative Facts’ in America: “It’s a Good Start”

President of Iran on ‘Alternative Facts’ in America: “It’s a Good Start”

In an interview with The Mideast Beast, current President of Iran, Hassan Rouhani pointed out that, although American leaders have made headway, they still have a long way to go when it comes to lying to their people. He said, “let’s start with that name: alternative facts? Sounds so close to the truth, why even bother?” Don’t get me wrong, President Obama had some good ones such as “If you like your doctor you can keep your doctor” and “I’m not...

Middle East Leaders Condemn Trump’s Inauguration

Middle East Leaders Condemn Trump’s Inauguration

Nations from across the Middle East have reportedly condemned Barack Obama and the United States for inaugurating Donald J. Trump as the 45th President of the United States of America. In Saudi Arabia, King Salman had called on Obama to appoint a male relative as the next “president” of the US, saying that the peaceful transfer of power from one rival party to the other was a disgusting spectacle.  In a rare show of consensus, the Islamic Republic of Iran...

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

After an intense, and sometimes hostile comments exchange, Jason Silverstein and Shlomo Horowitz, two liberal Jews from Long Island, claim to have solved most final status issues at the center of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Negotiations started when Jason posted a status on Facebook, berating Secretary of State John Kerry’s speech on Mideast peace. Shlomo, a liberal whose closest experience with a Palestinian was his friend at Columbia University who wore a keffiyeh “in solidarity” responded saying that his attitude was...

ISIS Announces Re-Branding: Islamic Safe Space; Berkeley Pledges Allegiance

ISIS Announces Re-Branding: Islamic Safe Space; Berkeley Pledges Allegiance

ISIS has announced that, as part of its 2017 rebranding program, it will no longer be known as ‘Islamic State’ but would rather be known as ‘Islamic Safe Space in Iraq and Syria’. The move is seen as an attempt to appeal more towards the younger generation and socially conscious millennials who have made just about everything you can imagine about Social Justice. A senior ISIS leader interviewed by The Mideast Beast stated, “Once we saw the kind of stuff...

‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack

‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack

Earlier today, the Decepticons released a statement claiming responsibility for the Jerusalem truck terror attack that left four Israelis dead. This comes after much confusion when the BBC, New York Times, and other outlets published headlines that made it seem like it was the truck that was to blame for the attack. Indeed, as the attack was still in progress, the New York Times ran the headline “Truck Rams into Soldiers in Jerusalem” and the BBC described it as a...

Russian Foreign Minister Realizes John Kerry Has Been Serious This Whole Time

Russian Foreign Minister Realizes John Kerry Has Been Serious This Whole Time

MOSCOW — Earlier this week Secretary of State John Kerry called on all sides involved in the war to take steps toward finding a political solution to the mass murder in Syria; that’s when it dawned on Russian Foreign minister Sergey Lavrov: John Kerry has been totally fucking serious this entire time. In an interview Lavrov told The Mideast Beast: “I mean, come on, how many times can you call for a ceasefire? After the whole chemical weapons red line...

Donald Trump Names Michael Bolton as Potential Special Envoy for Middle East Peace

Donald Trump Names Michael Bolton as Potential Special Envoy for Middle East Peace

President-Elect Donald Trump announced earlier today that he is considering Michael Bolton as his special envoy for the Middle East Peace process. After the announcement, the question on everyone’s mind is: Doesn’t he mean John Bolton? Special Envoy for Middle East Peace is a position dedicated to bringing an end to the decades-long Israel-Palestinian conflict. John Bolton is a lawyer and diplomat who has served in several Republican administrations including Ambassador to the UN; his name had even been tossed around as a...

Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria

Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria

According to the Russian Interfax news service, just in time for the holidays, Russia is planning to deploy an additional S-300 ‘Santa Tracking’ surface to air missile system to Syria. The weapon will be capable of tracking Santa Claus across Syrian airspace. The Russian Ministry of Defense (MoD) insists that the system is nothing for the US or its allies to be concerned about. It is simply being deployed as a precaution to make sure that Santa has a safe...

Obama to Media: ‘Sorry, I’m All Out of Fucks to Give’

Obama to Media: ‘Sorry, I’m All Out of Fucks to Give’

During a press conference earlier today, when asked about his thoughts on recent developments in the Middle East including Syria, The President, without saying a word, reached into his jacket pocket, came out with nothing, feigned surprise and said “Well, I just checked, and I’m out of fucks to give”. The president has spent much of his time in office struggling to strike the delicate balance between fighting the so-called Islamic State and keeping the US out of another ground...

U.S. Generals Ask, “So How Does This Coup Thing Work?”

U.S. Generals Ask, “So How Does This Coup Thing Work?”

Several U.S. generals and other high-ranking officers have reportedly approached Turkish preacher Fethullah Gülen for advice: “So we were just wondering how this coup thing works? Asking for a friend, of course…” Fethullah Gülen, “living in self-imposed exile in rural Pennsylvania”, is the alleged force behind the attempted coup in Turkey this past summer. The officers responded to his claims that he really knew nothing about overthrowing governments by saying, “OK that’s cool, we get, but let’s just say hypothetically...

Egyptian and Syrian Secret Police Call to Congratulate FBI Director Comey on Election Victory

Egyptian and Syrian Secret Police Call to Congratulate FBI Director Comey on Election Victory

A source inside the FBI has confirmed to The Mideast Beast that, following the election results last week, FBI director James Comey received several calls of congratulations on the successful manipulation of the U.S. elections from the heads of secret police agencies from around the world. First to call was the Egyptian Mukhābarāt (secret police), responsible for the brutal suppression of dissent and freedom of expression in Egypt, and for single handedly making Ray Bans cool across the region again....

ISIS Releases Statement on Battle of Mosul:” No It’s Cool, We Didn’t Want Mosul Anyway.”

ISIS Releases Statement on Battle of Mosul:” No It’s Cool, We Didn’t Want Mosul Anyway.”

The ISIS-affiliated al-Amaq news agency recently published a statement through their online channels, regarding recent efforts by the Iraqi army and other forces to retake the city of Mosul. The statement began: “No it’s cool, we didn’t really want Mosul anyway.” An unnamed spokeswoman for the Islamic State expanded, saying “When you are trying to create a global caliphate you obviously have to include every city, but If I had to list my favorite, it wouldn’t be Mosul.” Mosul, Iraq’s...

ISIS Sleeper Agents in the US Prefer Clinton to Trump According to New Poll

ISIS Sleeper Agents in the US Prefer Clinton to Trump According to New Poll

A new poll shows the overwhelming majority of ISIS sleeper agents in the United States prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election. The first-time survey on the political positions of covert agents of the Islamic State currently residing in the US, as well as agents planted in refugee populations destined for the US, indicate that they prefer the Democratic nominee for president. Asked why they preferred Clinton to Trump, one stated: “I think she speaks to my...