Gret Beater

Gret Beater's parents wanted him to study business at a respectable school but Gret was always better with words than with money, which is what lead him to take out a massive loan to study journalism at Clown College. He was once asked by Robe Lowe, "Why can't you just do cocaine in the bathroom like a normal person?" and was known as the class clown at Clown College, and not for good reasons.

After graduating at the bottom of his class, and inspired by a teacher he told him, "You're not going to make it past 30.” Gret decided to travel the world and write a book about his experiences in a volume titled, Roadkill of the New Jersey Turnpike. It has spent the last 200 weeks on the New York Times' "Affronts to Written Language" list with no sign of falling off anytime soon.

After his literary career cratered faster than Charlie Sheen in a room full of prostitutes, he was hired by The Mideast Beast to cover the shit show that is the most talked about region on the planet.

When not trying to resuscitate the corpse that is his writing career, he enjoys reading North Korean poetry, extreme-crocheting, bad metaphors, and beating literal dead horses.

 

In Between Car Bombs, Iraqis Offer Support to Swedes Following Tragic Fake Attack
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In Between Car Bombs, Iraqis Offer Support to Swedes Following Tragic Fake Attack

The Iraqi government released a statement earlier today, in solidarity with the Swedish people after they were targeted by President Trump with a false terrorist attack this past weekend. Swedish citizens were shocked to their very cores to find themselves under retroactive assault Friday night after the President referenced “what happened last night in Sweden” at his Florida rally. The...

President Trump to Netanyahu, “Does Putin Talk about Me?”

President Trump to Netanyahu, “Does Putin Talk about Me?”

Documents obtained by The Mideast Beast regarding the initial meeting between Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and President Donald Trump reveal a productive conversation. The two leaders discussed a range of topics including settlements, the moving of the US embassy to Jerusalem, and the threat of Iran. In addition, there was one item that kept coming up in conversation a lot:...

Continent That Spent Thousands of Years Killing One Another Dismayed With Violence in The Mideast
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Continent That Spent Thousands of Years Killing One Another Dismayed With Violence in The Mideast

Representatives from the continent that spent thousands of years killing each other en masse have released their most recent condemnation of violence in Syria and Iraq. The European council of ministers met earlier this week to condemn the violence in the region fueled by ideological differences; the German foreign minister, representing the country that, up until 1989 was split down...

Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022

Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022

There’s one Middle Eastern nation that sees the chaos in the region, as well as the waves that Donald Trump has caused in the first two weeks of his administration as a massive plus: Qatar. Why? According to their leader Hamad Bin Khalifa al-Thani, “because just about everyone’s forgotten we’re hosting the world cup in five years. The vote by...

Palestinian Authority, Hamas, Hezbollah Express Support for Berkeley Riots Against Milo Yiannopoulos

Palestinian Authority, Hamas, Hezbollah Express Support for Berkeley Riots Against Milo Yiannopoulos

The leaders of the Palestinian Authority, along with Hamas and Hezbollah expressed their support this morning following the violent riots at Berkeley triggered when professionally angry man Milo Yiannopoulos was scheduled to speak on the last night of his “Dangerous Faggot” tour. Berkeley students decided to express their right to free speech against what Yiannopoulos had to say by burning...

Donald Trump Clinches “Islamic State Recruiter of the Month”
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Donald Trump Clinches “Islamic State Recruiter of the Month”

The ISIS-affiliated al-Amaq news agency has reported that Donald Trump has been named “recruiter of the month” this January. The statement read, “in recognition of superior recruiting efforts on the part of Donald J. Trump, we present this certificate of appreciation for his contribution to the cause of the Islamic State.” ISIS leaders, recruiters, and foot soldiers alike were stunned...

Al-Qaeda Launches ‘Name Your Resistance Group’ Startup Service in the U.S.
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Al-Qaeda Launches ‘Name Your Resistance Group’ Startup Service in the U.S.

For a long time, Israel was branded as the ‘startup nation’, but there’s a new contender for the title: Al-Qaeda. Following the creation of ‘the resistance’ in the US as the progressive movement against Donald Trump, the terror group is launching a startup that aims to make the naming of your resistance group much easier. The service provides a various...

Middle East Leaders Condemn Trump’s Inauguration

Middle East Leaders Condemn Trump’s Inauguration

Nations from across the Middle East have reportedly condemned Barack Obama and the United States for inaugurating Donald J. Trump as the 45th President of the United States of America. In Saudi Arabia, King Salman had called on Obama to appoint a male relative as the next “president” of the US, saying that the peaceful transfer of power from one...

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status
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Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

After an intense, and sometimes hostile comments exchange, Jason Silverstein and Shlomo Horowitz, two liberal Jews from Long Island, claim to have solved most final status issues at the center of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Negotiations started when Jason posted a status on Facebook, berating Secretary of State John Kerry’s speech on Mideast peace. Shlomo, a liberal whose closest experience with...

‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack
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‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack

Earlier today, the Decepticons released a statement claiming responsibility for the Jerusalem truck terror attack that left four Israelis dead. This comes after much confusion when the BBC, New York Times, and other outlets published headlines that made it seem like it was the truck that was to blame for the attack. Indeed, as the attack was still in progress,...

Donald Trump Names Michael Bolton as Potential Special Envoy for Middle East Peace
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Donald Trump Names Michael Bolton as Potential Special Envoy for Middle East Peace

President-Elect Donald Trump announced earlier today that he is considering Michael Bolton as his special envoy for the Middle East Peace process. After the announcement, the question on everyone’s mind is: Doesn’t he mean John Bolton? Special Envoy for Middle East Peace is a position dedicated to bringing an end to the decades-long Israel-Palestinian conflict. John Bolton is a lawyer and diplomat who...

Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria
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Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria

According to the Russian Interfax news service, just in time for the holidays, Russia is planning to deploy an additional S-300 ‘Santa Tracking’ surface to air missile system to Syria. The weapon will be capable of tracking Santa Claus across Syrian airspace. The Russian Ministry of Defense (MoD) insists that the system is nothing for the US or its allies...

Obama to Media: ‘Sorry, I’m All Out of Fucks to Give’

Obama to Media: ‘Sorry, I’m All Out of Fucks to Give’

During a press conference earlier today, when asked about his thoughts on recent developments in the Middle East including Syria, The President, without saying a word, reached into his jacket pocket, came out with nothing, feigned surprise and said “Well, I just checked, and I’m out of fucks to give”. The president has spent much of his time in office...

U.S. Generals Ask, “So How Does This Coup Thing Work?”
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U.S. Generals Ask, “So How Does This Coup Thing Work?”

Several U.S. generals and other high-ranking officers have reportedly approached Turkish preacher Fethullah Gülen for advice: “So we were just wondering how this coup thing works? Asking for a friend, of course…” Fethullah Gülen, “living in self-imposed exile in rural Pennsylvania”, is the alleged force behind the attempted coup in Turkey this past summer. The officers responded to his claims...

Egyptian and Syrian Secret Police Call to Congratulate FBI Director Comey on Election Victory
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Egyptian and Syrian Secret Police Call to Congratulate FBI Director Comey on Election Victory

A source inside the FBI has confirmed to The Mideast Beast that, following the election results last week, FBI director James Comey received several calls of congratulations on the successful manipulation of the U.S. elections from the heads of secret police agencies from around the world. First to call was the Egyptian Mukhābarāt (secret police), responsible for the brutal suppression...