Gret Beater's parents wanted him to study business at a respectable school but Gret was always better with words than with money, which is what lead him to take out a massive loan to study journalism at Clown College. He was once asked by Robe Lowe, "Why can't you just do cocaine in the bathroom like a normal person?" and was known as the class clown at Clown College, and not for good reasons.
After graduating at the bottom of his class, and inspired by a teacher he told him, "You're not going to make it past 30.” Gret decided to travel the world and write a book about his experiences in a volume titled, Roadkill of the New Jersey Turnpike. It has spent the last 200 weeks on the New York Times' "Affronts to Written Language" list with no sign of falling off anytime soon.
After his literary career cratered faster than Charlie Sheen in a room full of prostitutes, he was hired by The Mideast Beast to cover the shit show that is the most talked about region on the planet.
When not trying to resuscitate the corpse that is his writing career, he enjoys reading North Korean poetry, extreme-crocheting, bad metaphors, and beating literal dead horses.
The United Nations peacekeeping mission in Lebanon, also known as UNIFIL, is set to have its mandate renewed at the end of August. They are concerned, however, that the collapse of Lebanon over the last decade and the violence that Hezbollah has inflicted on the country, could reflect poorly on their ability to carry out their mission. In a normal...
North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, ordered this week that all pet dogs be confiscated from citizens, claiming the dogs were a symbol of “Western decadence”. Some are concerned though, that in the starving hermit kingdom, the pets might also represent “a decent lunch”. North Korea insists that this is not the case, and blamed Israel for the new policy....
Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Mohammad Shtayyeh announced Monday that the Palestinians will boycott next year’s Expo (world fair) in Dubai following the UAE’s opening of diplomatic relations with Israel. In the statement he said, “Palestinians have much to offer the world, more than the Israelis and the US, and the world will have to reckon with our absence next year....
Jared Kushner, the President’s son-in-law and stock image model for future AI robots, reportedly spent the better part of the fifth afternoon in several weeks to explain to the President of the United States why campaigning in Israel was not a good idea, mainly because Israel has no electoral votes, and is a separate country. It’s understandable that the President...
Following the blast that leveled a good chunk of Beirut, the Iranian regime joined the international chorus of pledges of aid. The Iranian Ambassador to Lebanon said that the Islamic Republic was willing to render any assistance necessary; when a Lebanese journalist asked if that included ceasing to use Lebanon as a staging area to attack Israel with blatant disregard...
The leadership of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions (BDS) movement announced that even if you are dedicated to the destruction of Israel, it is permitted to watch Fauda. The decision was announced along with other allowances such as permission to use any Israeli-made vaccines for the virus, after they decided that its members were probably going to watch it anyway....
The Israeli Air Force (IAF) has reportedly asked the US to purchase KC -46 Pegasus tankers earlier than originally planned. The request is raising eyebrows that the aerial refueling capability might be for an attack on Iran. Although at a press conference, Commander of the Israeli Air Force, General Amikam Norkum, said that was not the case. “The Tankers are...
While It seems like the United States is handling the coronavirus pandemic about as well as a Parkinson’s patient in a minefield, a Pentagon source says that this might be more intentional than the public was originally led to believe. According to a source at the Pentagon, it’s part of America’s new cutting-edge counter-terrorism policy: The terrorists can’t destroy America...
The Palestinian Authority continues to protest Netanyahu’s plans for unilateral annexation of parts of the West Bank as destructive to the peace process and denies Palestinians their historic right to say “No” to literally any other solution that might actually work. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said in a public statement that the Palestinian people would not be denied their historical...
The Mayor of New York, Bill de Blasio announced this week that due to Coronavirus restriction infractions by the Jewish community, Jews will be required to wear an identifying mark. The measure was an effort to allow the police to easily identify and stop Jews from doing anything that the State felt was detrimental to society in general. When asked...
Palestinian activists are accusing the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone of appropriating Palestinian culture after they made up their own country in six square blocks of Seattle. “It’s not fair” one Palestinian in Ramallah said, “these white people steal everything: hummus, rioting, and now making up their own countries in random places?” For nearly two weeks, six city blocks of Seattle...
In the US, Americans are demanding that they be allowed to go back to worshiping in churches, and in Israel, the Chief Rabbi is demanding that synagogues and other religious institutions be opened. Everyone is ready to get back to religious observance except for one important figure: God The Almighty One, blessed be He says that he is just not...
The Israeli Ministry of Finance offered Israel’s struggling national carrier El Al a 400-million dollar bailout on Sunday night, and the company is weighing whether to accept the offer or not. If they decline, the airline will likely be broken up and sold off for parts. The trepidation about taking the bailout comes from the government’s stipulations that El Al...
The progressive US congresswomen collectively known as “The Squad” published Memorial Day greetings to Israelis this week. The messages published on Twitter and their official sites have led many to wonder if the congresswomen knew that it’s the day Israelis commemorate soldiers killed in combat and civilians killed in terror attacks. It was apparent that some were not aware of...
The Prime Minister of Israel – yes, somehow still Benjamin Netanyahu – went on TV this week to promise that the government was working hard to ease coronavirus-related restrictions as soon as possible. He reminded the public though that members of the government, such as himself and other MKs would consider doing “whatever the fuck we feel like”. Netanyahu along...
In a groundbreaking new study, the world-renowned Israeli Institute for Researching Obvious Crap discovered that more people were at a high risk of contracting the novel coronavirus than previously thought. In addition to the traditional risk groups, the study found that “fucking idiots” are at serious risk of catching the virus and spreading it to others. The study showed that...
The Iranian government has lodged an official request with both the United Nations Security Council and the European Union for assistance as it battles the ongoing novel coronavirus. As part of that assistance, The Islamic Republic of Iran requested that they immediately begin bombing Syrian civilians, arming Hezbollah and support global terror activities after it became clear that they would...
The indicted, and still sitting Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, gave another press conference this evening to address the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic that has overtaken Israel and the world. Tonight, he detailed additional measures and guidelines that the government has formulated in order to slow its spread. They include, among others, the use of online tools originally formulated for...
Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign has taken some public criticism for some of his campaign surrogates’ questionable views on Israel. It seems though that rather than attempt to assure Jewish communities that the Sanders campaign doesn’t support anti-Semitic propaganda, they’ve gone the other direction: Earlier this week, Hamas announced that it was going to join the Sanders 2020 campaign as a...
Israel has been known for some time as the “Startup Nation” but now it has also become famous for the nation with the strictest quarantine measures in place due to the novel coronavirus (COVID-19). In an unusual step, the government has reportedly moved all its corona vaccine research to Judea and Samaria, also known as the Occupied Palestinian Territories or...
