Gret Beater

Gret Beater's parents wanted him to study business at a respectable school but Gret was always better with words than with money, which is what lead him to take out a massive loan to study journalism at Clown College. He was once asked by Robe Lowe, "Why can't you just do cocaine in the bathroom like a normal person?" and was known as the class clown at Clown College, and not for good reasons.

After graduating at the bottom of his class, and inspired by a teacher he told him, "You're not going to make it past 30.” Gret decided to travel the world and write a book about his experiences in a volume titled, Roadkill of the New Jersey Turnpike. It has spent the last 200 weeks on the New York Times' "Affronts to Written Language" list with no sign of falling off anytime soon.

After his literary career cratered faster than Charlie Sheen in a room full of prostitutes, he was hired by The Mideast Beast to cover the shit show that is the most talked about region on the planet.

When not trying to resuscitate the corpse that is his writing career, he enjoys reading North Korean poetry, extreme-crocheting, bad metaphors, and beating literal dead horses.

 

Israel to Shut Down Tinder to Combat Spread of Coronavirus
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Israel to Shut Down Tinder to Combat Spread of Coronavirus

The indicted, and still sitting Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, gave another press conference this evening to address the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic that has overtaken Israel and the world. Tonight, he detailed additional measures and guidelines that the government has formulated in order to slow its spread. They include, among others, the use of online tools originally formulated for...

Hamas Joins Bernie Sanders’ Presidential Campaign

Hamas Joins Bernie Sanders’ Presidential Campaign

Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign has taken some public criticism for some of his campaign surrogates’ questionable views on Israel. It seems though that rather than attempt to assure Jewish communities that the Sanders campaign doesn’t support anti-Semitic propaganda, they’ve gone the other direction: Earlier this week, Hamas announced that it was going to join the Sanders 2020 campaign as a...

Israel Moves all Corona Related Research to Judea and Samaria

Israel Moves all Corona Related Research to Judea and Samaria

Israel has been known for some time as the “Startup Nation” but now it has also become famous for the nation with the strictest quarantine measures in place due to the novel coronavirus (COVID-19). In an unusual step, the government has reportedly moved all its corona vaccine research to Judea and Samaria, also known as the Occupied Palestinian Territories or...

Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops
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Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops

It’s been well over a month since Trump’s decision to play whack-a-mole with Iran’s exalted general, Qasem Soleimani. Since then, Iranian troops and Shiite militiamen alike are saying they’re having a bit of trouble adjusting to their new boss, Esmail Ghaani. Hezbollah troops were the first to raise some eyebrows about some of the new office policies that Ghaani instated,...

EL AL to Offer Corona and Non-Corona Seating

EL AL to Offer Corona and Non-Corona Seating

Israel’s national airline, EL AL, is set to be the first airline to offer Corona and Non-Coronavirus seating, in a marketing move that is looking revive its sales following the Coronavirus outbreak. The airline industry is struggling to deal with the outbreak of the Coronavirus that has made hurtling through the air in a pressurized tube with 250 other filthy...

New York Times Defends Publishing Terrorist Op-ed: He’s no Bret Stephens

New York Times Defends Publishing Terrorist Op-ed: He’s no Bret Stephens

The New York Times (NYT) is receiving criticism after it published an op-ed penned by Taliban leader Sirajuddin Haqqani last week. The editorial board is standing by their decision though as giving a voice to a new and controversial opinion but also because they had empty column space and “Tom Friedman is only good for so much gibberish per week”....

Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel
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Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel

Hamas decided to celebrate Valentine’s day this year by sending over heart-shaped balloons into Israel this weekend. The balloons were mostly filled with incendiary devices and explosives. A Hamas spokesperson announced that the campaign was a part of the Valentine’s day festivities. “It’s a celebration of love, and we love to kill Jews and we thought this was the best...

Syrian Observers Certify Iowa Results

Syrian Observers Certify Iowa Results

Syrian election observers certified the Iowa Caucus results and Pete Buttigieg was declared the winner in a tight Iowa primary that plunged the Democratic Party into turmoil this week. The Syrian delegation was greeted as liberators and relief swept over Iowa after a week of turmoil that brought the state to its knees by a few hundred senior citizens trying...

Alex Trebek Unphased by Bethlehem Controversy
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Alex Trebek Unphased by Bethlehem Controversy

Following the controversy over a Jeopardy question last week, a visibly aggravated Alex Trebek seemed intent on not letting his audience know that the dispute had not phased him. This follows the controversy where the answer to a question placed Bethlehem in Israel rather than Palestine. Some groups took offense to this, with Code Pink, which is usually such a reasonable...

Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’
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Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’

The Iranian Republican Guard Corps took responsibility for the devastating attack that took place on Sunday night in Beverly Hills via a social media account associated with the military organization. The tweet appeared on Tuesday night saying that “that this was only the beginning of the Iranian Republic’s retribution for the murder of Qasem Soleimani” Hollywood celebrities were devastated by...

Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate
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Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate

Former National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes, who was once billed as Barack Obama’s foreign policy Guru was devastated to hear the horrible news that President Trump had authorized an airstrike that killed Iranian Quds Force leader, General Qasem Soleimani. “Qasem Soleimani, also known as “Asshole” by Yemenis, was the kind of moderate Iranian leader that we needed for peace in...

Israeli Air Force Confident That THESE Airstrikes Will Finally Teach Hamas a Lesson
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Israeli Air Force Confident That THESE Airstrikes Will Finally Teach Hamas a Lesson

Following another rocket launch from Gaza, the Israeli Air Force (IAF) has retaliated with airstrikes against terrorist infrastructure. An IAF spokesperson commented “We are confident that these strikes sent a message to Hamas that we weren’t able to achieve with last week’s airstrikes, or for that matter the ones last month, and also those back in September.” Standing in front...

Iranian Economy in Crisis as Flammable American Flag Sales Plummet

Iranian Economy in Crisis as Flammable American Flag Sales Plummet

With protestors in the streets in Iran over the rise in the cost of gasoline, and the economy crippled by American sanctions, another key Iranian industry is suffering a severe downturn: flammable American flags. Since the revolution, the Iranian regime has supplemented their economy that was largely based on oil and flying-carpet revenues with the sale of American flags that...

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

A new study from the Iranian Institute for the Advancement of anti-Semitism revealed that it’s the worst time in history to be an anti-Semite. The study showed that, since the inception of the Jewish state, it has become increasingly more difficult to persecute the Jews. When they started, the researchers said they hoped to show that persecuting Jews was as...

ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously
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ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously

In a recent interview, former adult movie star Mia Khalifa said that she had been receiving death threats from ISIS and has seen photo-shopped pictures online of herself being beheaded. Khalifa made headlines in the past for participating in an adult video wearing a Hijab and has angered some over several Lebanese nationalistic tattoos as well as a Lebanese Flag...

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALs Ever Think About Them

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALs Ever Think About Them

During a planning session of the Al-Qaeda leadership in Pakistan, one field commander wondered out loud: “Do you think the Navy SEALs still think about us?” Al-Qaeda leadership have noticed that the SEALs hadn’t visited or called in a few months, and were starting to get worried that perhaps their relationship wasn’t as stable as they thought. When President Trump...