Gret Beater

Gret Beater's parents wanted him to study business at a respectable school but Gret was always better with words than with money, which is what lead him to take out a massive loan to study journalism at Clown College. He was once asked by Robe Lowe, "Why can't you just do cocaine in the bathroom like a normal person?" and was known as the class clown at Clown College, and not for good reasons.

After graduating at the bottom of his class, and inspired by a teacher he told him, "You're not going to make it past 30.” Gret decided to travel the world and write a book about his experiences in a volume titled, Roadkill of the New Jersey Turnpike. It has spent the last 200 weeks on the New York Times' "Affronts to Written Language" list with no sign of falling off anytime soon.

After his literary career cratered faster than Charlie Sheen in a room full of prostitutes, he was hired by The Mideast Beast to cover the shit show that is the most talked about region on the planet.

When not trying to resuscitate the corpse that is his writing career, he enjoys reading North Korean poetry, extreme-crocheting, bad metaphors, and beating literal dead horses.

 

Iran: Coronavirus, Not Violent Homophobia, Reason for Pride Cancellation
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Iran: Coronavirus, Not Violent Homophobia, Reason for Pride Cancellation

June is Pride Month, and in many countries it is a time to celebrate sexual diversity by plastering rainbow flags on pretty much anything and holding parades where people dance down the streets in speedos spreading glitter on everyone and everywhere. However, this year’s festivities are being put on hold because of the relentless novel coronavirus. One country, however, will...

De Blasio: Jews in New York Will be Required to Wear Identifying Mark

De Blasio: Jews in New York Will be Required to Wear Identifying Mark

The Mayor of New York, Bill de Blasio announced this week that due to Coronavirus restriction infractions by the Jewish community, Jews will be required to wear an identifying mark. The measure was an effort to allow the police to easily identify and stop Jews from doing anything that the State felt was detrimental to society in general. When asked...

Palestinians Accuse CHAZ/CHOP of Cultural Appropriation
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Palestinians Accuse CHAZ/CHOP of Cultural Appropriation

Palestinian activists are accusing the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone of appropriating Palestinian culture after they made up their own country in six square blocks of Seattle. “It’s not fair” one Palestinian in Ramallah said, “these white people steal everything: hummus, rioting, and now making up their own countries in random places?” For nearly two weeks, six city blocks of Seattle...

God Not Ready to Go Back to Work Yet
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God Not Ready to Go Back to Work Yet

In the US, Americans are demanding that they be allowed to go back to worshiping in churches, and in Israel, the Chief Rabbi is demanding that synagogues and other religious institutions be opened. Everyone is ready to get back to religious observance except for one important figure: God The Almighty One, blessed be He says that he is just not...

The Squad Wishes Israelis Happy Memorial Day

The Squad Wishes Israelis Happy Memorial Day

The progressive US congresswomen collectively known as “The Squad” published Memorial Day greetings to Israelis this week. The messages published on Twitter and their official sites have led many to wonder if the congresswomen knew that it’s the day Israelis commemorate soldiers killed in combat and civilians killed in terror attacks. It was apparent that some were not aware of...

Netanyahu: ‘Restrictions to Be Eased Soon, You Peasants’

Netanyahu: ‘Restrictions to Be Eased Soon, You Peasants’

The Prime Minister of Israel – yes, somehow still Benjamin Netanyahu – went on TV this week to promise that the government was working hard to ease coronavirus-related restrictions as soon as possible. He reminded the public though that members of the government, such as himself and other MKs would consider doing “whatever the fuck we feel like”. Netanyahu along...

Iran Requests Humanitarian Assistance; Can No Longer Bomb Civilians on its Own

Iran Requests Humanitarian Assistance; Can No Longer Bomb Civilians on its Own

The Iranian government has lodged an official request with both the United Nations Security Council and the European Union for assistance as it battles the ongoing novel coronavirus. As part of that assistance, The Islamic Republic of Iran requested that they immediately begin bombing Syrian civilians, arming Hezbollah and support global terror activities after it became clear that they would...

Israel to Shut Down Tinder to Combat Spread of Coronavirus
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Israel to Shut Down Tinder to Combat Spread of Coronavirus

The indicted, and still sitting Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, gave another press conference this evening to address the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic that has overtaken Israel and the world. Tonight, he detailed additional measures and guidelines that the government has formulated in order to slow its spread. They include, among others, the use of online tools originally formulated for...

Hamas Joins Bernie Sanders’ Presidential Campaign

Hamas Joins Bernie Sanders’ Presidential Campaign

Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign has taken some public criticism for some of his campaign surrogates’ questionable views on Israel. It seems though that rather than attempt to assure Jewish communities that the Sanders campaign doesn’t support anti-Semitic propaganda, they’ve gone the other direction: Earlier this week, Hamas announced that it was going to join the Sanders 2020 campaign as a...

Israel Moves all Corona Related Research to Judea and Samaria

Israel Moves all Corona Related Research to Judea and Samaria

Israel has been known for some time as the “Startup Nation” but now it has also become famous for the nation with the strictest quarantine measures in place due to the novel coronavirus (COVID-19). In an unusual step, the government has reportedly moved all its corona vaccine research to Judea and Samaria, also known as the Occupied Palestinian Territories or...

Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops
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Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops

It’s been well over a month since Trump’s decision to play whack-a-mole with Iran’s exalted general, Qasem Soleimani. Since then, Iranian troops and Shiite militiamen alike are saying they’re having a bit of trouble adjusting to their new boss, Esmail Ghaani. Hezbollah troops were the first to raise some eyebrows about some of the new office policies that Ghaani instated,...

EL AL to Offer Corona and Non-Corona Seating

EL AL to Offer Corona and Non-Corona Seating

Israel’s national airline, EL AL, is set to be the first airline to offer Corona and Non-Coronavirus seating, in a marketing move that is looking revive its sales following the Coronavirus outbreak. The airline industry is struggling to deal with the outbreak of the Coronavirus that has made hurtling through the air in a pressurized tube with 250 other filthy...

New York Times Defends Publishing Terrorist Op-ed: He’s no Bret Stephens

New York Times Defends Publishing Terrorist Op-ed: He’s no Bret Stephens

The New York Times (NYT) is receiving criticism after it published an op-ed penned by Taliban leader Sirajuddin Haqqani last week. The editorial board is standing by their decision though as giving a voice to a new and controversial opinion but also because they had empty column space and “Tom Friedman is only good for so much gibberish per week”....

Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel
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Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel

Hamas decided to celebrate Valentine’s day this year by sending over heart-shaped balloons into Israel this weekend. The balloons were mostly filled with incendiary devices and explosives. A Hamas spokesperson announced that the campaign was a part of the Valentine’s day festivities. “It’s a celebration of love, and we love to kill Jews and we thought this was the best...

Syrian Observers Certify Iowa Results

Syrian Observers Certify Iowa Results

Syrian election observers certified the Iowa Caucus results and Pete Buttigieg was declared the winner in a tight Iowa primary that plunged the Democratic Party into turmoil this week. The Syrian delegation was greeted as liberators and relief swept over Iowa after a week of turmoil that brought the state to its knees by a few hundred senior citizens trying...