Gret Beater

Gret Beater's parents wanted him to study business at a respectable school but Gret was always better with words than with money, which is what lead him to take out a massive loan to study journalism at Clown College. He was once asked by Robe Lowe, "Why can't you just do cocaine in the bathroom like a normal person?" and was known as the class clown at Clown College, and not for good reasons.

After graduating at the bottom of his class, and inspired by a teacher he told him, "You're not going to make it past 30.” Gret decided to travel the world and write a book about his experiences in a volume titled, Roadkill of the New Jersey Turnpike. It has spent the last 200 weeks on the New York Times' "Affronts to Written Language" list with no sign of falling off anytime soon.

After his literary career cratered faster than Charlie Sheen in a room full of prostitutes, he was hired by The Mideast Beast to cover the shit show that is the most talked about region on the planet.

When not trying to resuscitate the corpse that is his writing career, he enjoys reading North Korean poetry, extreme-crocheting, bad metaphors, and beating literal dead horses.

 

Roger Waters: Zionists Rubbed Their Balls on My New N95 Mask

Roger Waters: Zionists Rubbed Their Balls on My New N95 Mask

Roger Waters claimed recently that members of Israel’s intelligence service, Mossad, broke into his house in order to harass him for his anti-Israel stances. Waters took to YouTube to claim that, despite him never having said anything anti-Semitic or done anything anti-Semitic, the Zionist regime was trying to terrorize him by breaking into his home and rubbing their balls on...

“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19
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“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19

The United Nations today announced that, due to an abundance of hardships being placed on nations and the international community as a whole, they had no choice but to suspend “Never Again” until further notice. The prevention of genocide joins the growing list of compromises that the international community has had to deal with in order to fight the novel...

Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria
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Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria

According to the Russian Interfax news service, just in time for the holidays, Russia is planning to deploy an additional S-300 ‘Santa Tracking’ surface to air missile system to Syria. The weapon will be capable of tracking Santa Claus across Syrian airspace. The Russian Ministry of Defense (MoD) insists that the system is nothing for the US or its allies...

Breaking: San Francisco State University Students Devastated Live Stream with Palestinian Hijacker Hijacked
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Breaking: San Francisco State University Students Devastated Live Stream with Palestinian Hijacker Hijacked

An event hosted at San Francisco State University (SFSU) interviewing amateur hijacker, oldest remaining member of a terrorist organization, and part-time public speaker , Mrs. Leila Khaled, was cut short last night after YouTube pulled the livestream just 23 minutes after the event began. Students that had been looking forward to hearing the geriatric terrorist were devastated that someone would...

Netanyahu Announces New Nation-Wide Coronavirus Restrictions Effective Immediately, Except for Rich People and Politicians

Netanyahu Announces New Nation-Wide Coronavirus Restrictions Effective Immediately, Except for Rich People and Politicians

With rising coronavirus infections and a government that seems about as capable of handling the pandemic as a quadriplegic in a three-legged race, Israel has started re-imposing restrictions on the public to prevent the spread of the coronavirus. The government announced earlier this week that they were closing restaurants, gyms, and retail stores to everyone…except for rich people and politicians....

Saudi Men Tired of Being Treated Like Saudi Women

Saudi Men Tired of Being Treated Like Saudi Women

The coronavirus pandemic has forced much of the world to re-think their social interactions; this has proven more difficult for some countries, especially the ones that haven’t changed the way their societies conduct themselves for several hundred years. In the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, men are complaining that since government restrictions were put in place, they have felt trapped and...

Israelis: Thank God We Live in The Middle East Where It’s Safe

Israelis: Thank God We Live in The Middle East Where It’s Safe

Given the handling of novel coronavirus pandemic in the U.S., and the ongoing protests for racial justice in America, a lot of Israelis are now saying that they’re glad that they live in the Middle East where it’s safe. “Sure it can be dangerous here sometimes” one Tel Aviv resident said “but we only have to deal with ISIS, Hamas,...

North Korea Orders Roundup of all Pet Dogs; Blames Israel “Just Because”
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North Korea Orders Roundup of all Pet Dogs; Blames Israel “Just Because”

North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, ordered this week that all pet dogs be confiscated from citizens, claiming the dogs were a symbol of “Western decadence”. Some are concerned though, that in the starving hermit kingdom, the pets might also represent “a decent lunch”. North Korea insists that this is not the case, and blamed Israel for the new policy....

Palestinians Won’t Take Part in UAE World Fair; World Devastated
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Palestinians Won’t Take Part in UAE World Fair; World Devastated

Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Mohammad Shtayyeh announced Monday that the Palestinians will boycott next year’s Expo (world fair) in Dubai following the UAE’s opening of diplomatic relations with Israel. In the statement he said, “Palestinians have much to offer the world, more than the Israelis and the US, and the world will have to reckon with our absence next year....

Once Again Jared Kushner Explains to Trump Why Campaigning in Israel Is a Bad Idea

Once Again Jared Kushner Explains to Trump Why Campaigning in Israel Is a Bad Idea

Jared Kushner, the President’s son-in-law and stock image model for future AI robots, reportedly spent the better part of the fifth afternoon in several weeks to explain to the President of the United States why campaigning in Israel was not a good idea, mainly because Israel has no electoral votes, and is a separate country. It’s understandable that the President...