Gret Beater

Gret Beater's parents wanted him to study business at a respectable school but Gret was always better with words than with money, which is what lead him to take out a massive loan to study journalism at Clown College. He was once asked by Robe Lowe, "Why can't you just do cocaine in the bathroom like a normal person?" and was known as the class clown at Clown College, and not for good reasons.

After graduating at the bottom of his class, and inspired by a teacher he told him, "You're not going to make it past 30.” Gret decided to travel the world and write a book about his experiences in a volume titled, Roadkill of the New Jersey Turnpike. It has spent the last 200 weeks on the New York Times' "Affronts to Written Language" list with no sign of falling off anytime soon.

After his literary career cratered faster than Charlie Sheen in a room full of prostitutes, he was hired by The Mideast Beast to cover the shit show that is the most talked about region on the planet.

When not trying to resuscitate the corpse that is his writing career, he enjoys reading North Korean poetry, extreme-crocheting, bad metaphors, and beating literal dead horses.

 

Iran Requests Humanitarian Assistance; Can No Longer Bomb Civilians on its Own

Iran Requests Humanitarian Assistance; Can No Longer Bomb Civilians on its Own

The Iranian government has lodged an official request with both the United Nations Security Council and the European Union for assistance as it battles the ongoing novel coronavirus. As part of that assistance, The Islamic Republic of Iran requested that they immediately begin bombing Syrian civilians, arming Hezbollah and support global terror activities after it became clear that they would not be able to fulfill their role as the leading sponsor of terrorism worldwide. The European Union said that they...

‘Israelis Not Sexting as Much’, General Security Services Complain

‘Israelis Not Sexting as Much’, General Security Services Complain

This week saw the deployment of “digital methods” by the Israeli government to stem the tide of Covid-19 infections and with it, a trove of new information is being made available to the Israeli security services. After the first week they have begun to draw some conclusions, and some of them have surprised Shin Bet agents in charge of intel collection. “Israelis aren’t sexting as much as we were hoping,” noted one mid-level agent overseeing the surveillance. Another agent told...

Israel to Shut Down Tinder to Combat Spread of Coronavirus

Israel to Shut Down Tinder to Combat Spread of Coronavirus

The indicted, and still sitting Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, gave another press conference this evening to address the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic that has overtaken Israel and the world. Tonight, he detailed additional measures and guidelines that the government has formulated in order to slow its spread. They include, among others, the use of online tools originally formulated for combatting terrorism in order to shut down Tinder and other dating apps until the crisis subsides. The Prime Minister said...

Hamas Joins Bernie Sanders’ Presidential Campaign

Hamas Joins Bernie Sanders’ Presidential Campaign

Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign has taken some public criticism for some of his campaign surrogates’ questionable views on Israel. It seems though that rather than attempt to assure Jewish communities that the Sanders campaign doesn’t support anti-Semitic propaganda, they’ve gone the other direction: Earlier this week, Hamas announced that it was going to join the Sanders 2020 campaign as a digital media partnership. In a statement, one Hamas spokesperson said, “The Bernie Sanders campaign is struggle against a powerful regime...

Israel Moves all Corona Related Research to Judea and Samaria

Israel Moves all Corona Related Research to Judea and Samaria

Israel has been known for some time as the “Startup Nation” but now it has also become famous for the nation with the strictest quarantine measures in place due to the novel coronavirus (COVID-19). In an unusual step, the government has reportedly moved all its corona vaccine research to Judea and Samaria, also known as the Occupied Palestinian Territories or more popularly by its Berkeley sobriquet, “Territories Occupied by the Rothschild-Funded Cabal of Zionist Apartheid Lizard People”. A spokesperson for...

Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops

Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops

It’s been well over a month since Trump’s decision to play whack-a-mole with Iran’s exalted general, Qasem Soleimani. Since then, Iranian troops and Shiite militiamen alike are saying they’re having a bit of trouble adjusting to their new boss, Esmail Ghaani. Hezbollah troops were the first to raise some eyebrows about some of the new office policies that Ghaani instated, starting with travel expenses and being a stickler for having receipts. One Hezbollah fighter complained that he wasn’t getting reimbursed...

EL AL to Offer Corona and Non-Corona Seating

EL AL to Offer Corona and Non-Corona Seating

Israel’s national airline, EL AL, is set to be the first airline to offer Corona and Non-Coronavirus seating, in a marketing move that is looking revive its sales following the Coronavirus outbreak. The airline industry is struggling to deal with the outbreak of the Coronavirus that has made hurtling through the air in a pressurized tube with 250 other filthy people even less desirable than it was before. EL AL in particular is struggling as Israel is the first and...

New York Times Defends Publishing Terrorist Op-ed: He’s no Bret Stephens

New York Times Defends Publishing Terrorist Op-ed: He’s no Bret Stephens

The New York Times (NYT) is receiving criticism after it published an op-ed penned by Taliban leader Sirajuddin Haqqani last week. The editorial board is standing by their decision though as giving a voice to a new and controversial opinion but also because they had empty column space and “Tom Friedman is only good for so much gibberish per week”. The Times has regularly come under fire for publishing opinion pieces by enemies of the United States, and Tom Friedman,...

Online Study: Anti-Semitism OK as Long as Each Post Starts, Ends With ‘I’m Not Anti-Semitic but…’

Online Study: Anti-Semitism OK as Long as Each Post Starts, Ends With ‘I’m Not Anti-Semitic but…’

A groundbreaking new study about social media has concluded that as long as you begin your posts with “I’m not anti-Semitic or anything but…”, you are free to post whatever you want about Jews or Israel. One of the lead researchers involved in the study, Dr. Shlomi Goldstein, explained that the study originally started as an examination on the spread of hate online. “We also found that content cannot be anti-Semitic if it mentions Israel,” Goldstein said. “So if you...

Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel

Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel

Hamas decided to celebrate Valentine’s day this year by sending over heart-shaped balloons into Israel this weekend. The balloons were mostly filled with incendiary devices and explosives. A Hamas spokesperson announced that the campaign was a part of the Valentine’s day festivities. “It’s a celebration of love, and we love to kill Jews and we thought this was the best way to express this.” Israeli police reported that they had defused several bombs shaped as pink and red hearts. Police...

Syrian Observers Certify Iowa Results

Syrian Observers Certify Iowa Results

Syrian election observers certified the Iowa Caucus results and Pete Buttigieg was declared the winner in a tight Iowa primary that plunged the Democratic Party into turmoil this week. The Syrian delegation was greeted as liberators and relief swept over Iowa after a week of turmoil that brought the state to its knees by a few hundred senior citizens trying to make an app on their phone work. The Syrian government received the appointment as part of its official role...

Israeli Government To Allow Coronavirus Into Country; Less Annoying Than Ariel Gold

Israeli Government To Allow Coronavirus Into Country; Less Annoying Than Ariel Gold

The Israeli interior ministry decided that, after careful consideration, it has no choice but to allow the Chinese coronavirus into the country. The ministry said this weekend that it wasn’t capable of keeping the disease out of the country and that it wouldn’t because the virus has yet to communicate any support for the BDS movement. In the last year Israel has courted several controversies by denying entry to those that it deemed didn’t support it’s right to exist. An...

Alex Trebek Unphased by Bethlehem Controversy

Alex Trebek Unphased by Bethlehem Controversy

Following the controversy over a Jeopardy question last week, a visibly aggravated Alex Trebek seemed intent on not letting his audience know that the dispute had not phased him. This follows the controversy where the answer to a question placed Bethlehem in Israel rather than Palestine. Some groups took offense to this, with Code Pink, which is usually such a reasonable group of women, responding by saying that the answer was “literally like the Holocaust happened all over again right there...

White House: President Trump Definitely Not Bummed He Didn’t Get to Nuke Anybody

White House: President Trump Definitely Not Bummed He Didn’t Get to Nuke Anybody

The White House has released a statement assuring the American people and the global community that the president is satisfied with the conclusion of the recent round of violence in Iraq between the US military and Iran, and not at all bummed out that the he didn’t get to see what a nuclear ICBM does to a city. In a press conference, the White House spokesperson said, “The President wants to assure the American people, and the world, that the...

Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’

Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’

The Iranian Republican Guard Corps took responsibility for the devastating attack that took place on Sunday night in Beverly Hills via a social media account associated with the military organization. The tweet appeared on Tuesday night saying that “that this was only the beginning of the Iranian Republic’s retribution for the murder of Qasem Soleimani” Hollywood celebrities were devastated by the attack, especially after the diplomatic letter sent by the Beverly Hills Ambassador to Iran, Ms. Rose McGowan. Survivors surveyed...

Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate

Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate

Former National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes, who was once billed as Barack Obama’s foreign policy Guru was devastated to hear the horrible news that President Trump had authorized an airstrike that killed Iranian Quds Force leader, General Qasem Soleimani. “Qasem Soleimani, also known as “Asshole” by Yemenis, was the kind of moderate Iranian leader that we needed for peace in the Middle East,” Rhodes said in an interview immediately following the strike. “Sure he has the blood of hundreds of...

International Criminal Court to Prosecute Israel Because Nothing Bad Happening Anywhere Else

International Criminal Court to Prosecute Israel Because Nothing Bad Happening Anywhere Else

The International Criminal Court’s chief prosecutor has decided to examine pursuing legal action against Israel for its 2014 war with Gaza and its ongoing presence in Judea and Samaria because “We can’t really think of a place in the world where anything worse is going on”. The court announced last week that it would pursue a legal action at the request of the Palestinian Authority after a petition from ISIS was denied because “beheading infidels isn’t a human right”. Several...

Israeli Air Force Confident That THESE Airstrikes Will Finally Teach Hamas a Lesson

Israeli Air Force Confident That THESE Airstrikes Will Finally Teach Hamas a Lesson

Following another rocket launch from Gaza, the Israeli Air Force (IAF) has retaliated with airstrikes against terrorist infrastructure. An IAF spokesperson commented “We are confident that these strikes sent a message to Hamas that we weren’t able to achieve with last week’s airstrikes, or for that matter the ones last month, and also those back in September.” Standing in front of a black-and-white photo he pointed out that the IDF had achieved their primary goal of shifting piles of rubble...

Iranian Economy in Crisis as Flammable American Flag Sales Plummet

Iranian Economy in Crisis as Flammable American Flag Sales Plummet

With protestors in the streets in Iran over the rise in the cost of gasoline, and the economy crippled by American sanctions, another key Iranian industry is suffering a severe downturn: flammable American flags. Since the revolution, the Iranian regime has supplemented their economy that was largely based on oil and flying-carpet revenues with the sale of American flags that were easy to light on fire for the anti-imperialist protestor. Now though, with protests sweeping Lebanon, Iraq and at home...

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

A new study from the Iranian Institute for the Advancement of anti-Semitism revealed that it’s the worst time in history to be an anti-Semite. The study showed that, since the inception of the Jewish state, it has become increasingly more difficult to persecute the Jews. When they started, the researchers said they hoped to show that persecuting Jews was as easy as “old times”, noting that “they are the only people on the planet running away from Europe towards the...