Danny Sledgehammer

 

Biden and Putin Agree to “Make World Peaceful like the Mideast”
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Biden and Putin Agree to “Make World Peaceful like the Mideast”

During the recent US-Russian summit in Geneva, US President Joe Biden and Russian President Vladimir Putin vowed to “make the world as peaceful as the Middle East.” Biden spoke to The Mideast Beast about his meeting with the Russian leader in Switzerland. “Folks, I had a constructive face-to-poker-face meeting with Russian Tzar Vladimir Stalin in Sweden. We agreed to make...

40 Years after Iraq Nuclear Reactor Bombing, Israel Accidentally Destroys Iran’s Nuclearized Rice Factories
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40 Years after Iraq Nuclear Reactor Bombing, Israel Accidentally Destroys Iran’s Nuclearized Rice Factories

Marking 40 years since the Israeli bombing of the French-made Iraqi nuclear reactor Osirak, apparently the Israel Air Force mistakenly wiped out Iran’s controversial subterranean nuclearized rice factories. The Israel Air Force commander Amikam Norkin spoke to The Mideast Beast about the dramatic accident. “Last night, approximately one hundred Israeli F-35, F-15 and F-16 fighter jets had gathered for a...

Antisemitism Almost Disappears after Liberal US Jews and Hawkish Israelis Trade Places
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Antisemitism Almost Disappears after Liberal US Jews and Hawkish Israelis Trade Places

Antisemitism has almost disappeared from Planet Earth after liberal US Jews and hawkish Israelis agreed to trade places. The unconventional solution comes after President Joe Biden recently called the rise in anti-Semitic attacks in the US “despicable, unconscionable, un-American.” The creative brainchild “Trading Places for Peace”, was reportedly created by Eddie Murphy, Biden’s new Community Diversity Director who spoke to...

Bibi: We’ll Never Concede, We’ll Storm the Capitol’s Temple Mount
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Bibi: We’ll Never Concede, We’ll Storm the Capitol’s Temple Mount

Facing the end of his political career, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu told his supporters “We will never give up, we will never concede. We will break through the Temple Mount and storm Israel’s capitol, Jerusalem.” Netanyahu reluctantly agreed to speak to The Mideast Beast after he was convinced that the reputable satirical site is somehow loosely affiliated with...

Mideast Pacifists, Drag Queens, and Feminists Celebrate UN anti-Israel Human Rights Probe
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Mideast Pacifists, Drag Queens, and Feminists Celebrate UN anti-Israel Human Rights Probe

Middle Eastern human rights advocates, such as Syria’s self-declared pacifist leader Bashar Assad, Hezbollah drag queens, and Yemeni feminist jihadists celebrated the UN Human Right Council’s decision to create a permanent fact-finding mission to probe alleged Israeli war crimes worldwide such as “chicken soup addiction.” The progressive human rights organization Woke Ayatollahs against Zionist Nukes also demanded a probe into...

Hamas Transgender Queen Wins Eurovision with” We Will, We Will Rocket You”
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Hamas Transgender Queen Wins Eurovision with” We Will, We Will Rocket You”

The Hamas transgender queen Latiffah Jihad surprisingly won the Eurovision song contest with the romantic hit “We will rocket you.” A visibly moved and slightly drug intoxicated Jihad, thanked her fans and supporters from a Dutch halal coffeeshop. “Good evening Europe! Salam Aleikum Eurabia! Thank you for supporting Gaza and choosing rocket love over racist Zionist rocket phobia. I want...

Hamas Joins Netanyahu’s Ceasefire Unity Government
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Hamas Joins Netanyahu’s Ceasefire Unity Government

Hamas has surprisingly decided to join Netanyahu’s ceasefire unity government after eleven days of tense disagreements and heated debates involving some 4,000 rockets and intense Gaza bombings. In exchange for complete freedom from adult intervention in their militant Gaza playroom, Hamas has agreed to back Netanyahu politically until 2030. Prime Minister Netanyahu’s office released an official statement: “Sometimes you need...

Russia to Israel: Civilian Casualties Unacceptable Outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria
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Russia to Israel: Civilian Casualties Unacceptable Outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria

In response to the Gaza conflict, Russia’s Foreign Ministry has warned the Israeli Ambassador in Moscow that further “civilian casualties are unacceptable outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria.” The senior Russian official Nikolaj Migchik blasted Israel’s “excessive” military operations in Gaza. “I’m shocked. More than 200 people have been killed in Gaza, mostly innocent masked children in their 20s with Kalashnikovs...

After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza
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After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza

The State of Israel has surprisingly decided to build terror tunnels into the Gaza Strip. The unconventional decision by Jerusalem comes after the British government urged Israel to ensure “proportionality” in its military actions in Gaza. “Israel must make every effort to avoid civilian casualties and military activity must be proportionate,” said the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s spokesman Max...

Breaking: “Racist Statue of Liberty” to be Dismantled, Returned to France
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Breaking: “Racist Statue of Liberty” to be Dismantled, Returned to France

After facing mounting pressure from members of the organization ‘Suddenly Every Stone Offends Me’, New York City has decided to tear down and return “racist” Lady Liberty to France. The dramatic decision comes after numerous statues were vandalized recently in the US and Europe. Newly minted assistant professor of Diverse and Inclusive Statues and Artwork at Columbia University, Ms. Lailah...

Iran Signs “Proxy Alliance” with Seattle Rebels
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Iran Signs “Proxy Alliance” with Seattle Rebels

Iran’s regime has reportedly signed a “proxy resistance alliance” with Seattle anarchist rebels. The generous and entirely altruistic offer came after Iran became the first country to officially recognize the newly declared state, Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, (CHAZ). Iran is expected to open its new embassy in CHAZ after qualifying for Microsoft’s grants for “struggling low-tech entities.” Iran’s supreme leader...

Progressive Taliban Burn Harry Potter Books after JK Rowling’s “Transgender-phobia”
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Progressive Taliban Burn Harry Potter Books after JK Rowling’s “Transgender-phobia”

The progressive Taliban Institute for Literacy Advancement in Afghanistan angrily burned Harry Potter books in protest against J.K. Rowling’s recent transgender-phobic remarks. The bestselling British author committed the cardinal sin of questioning the womanhood of transgender individuals who made the journey from men to women. Mrs. Fatimah Yassin, the Taliban Minister for Gender-Fluid Weird Creatures, spoke to The Mideast Beast...

Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie
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Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie

Retired General and former US Secretary of State Colin Powell, who recently told CNN that President Donald Trump “lies all the time”, stressed, “I miss the days when America had an honest president who did not lie, like about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and stuff like that.” Full of nostalgia, an emotional Powell spoke to The Mideast Beast. “There...

Suicide Bombers’ Lives Matter: “Dismantle Racist US Police”

Suicide Bombers’ Lives Matter: “Dismantle Racist US Police”

The human Jihad rights organization Suicide Bombers’ Lives Matter (SBLM) has strongly condemned “America’s racist and imperialist police forces.” The condemnation comes at a time of violent riots and protests across America over the murder of George Floyd, a black man killed by a police officer in Minneapolis. SBLM director Chalid Said spoke to The Mideast Beast from a restaurant...

Trump Deploys “NYC Lowlife Losers” to Syria, ISIS Flees

Trump Deploys “NYC Lowlife Losers” to Syria, ISIS Flees

The remains of ISIS have fled after President Donald Trump decided to deploy “New York City COVID-19 lowlife losers” to Syria. President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast about his stroke of genius, which simultaneously ended conflicts in New York City and in what’s left of Syria. “Believe me, I normally oppose US involvement in foreign wars but I made...

Yemen Offers Political Asylum to Trump amid US Riots
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Yemen Offers Political Asylum to Trump amid US Riots

Yemen’s government has offered political asylum to President Trump. The offer comes after Trump was briefly evacuated to a bunker amid riots outside the White House. The Mideast Beast secured an exclusive interview with Yemen’s President Abdrabbuh Mansur Hadi. “Yemen normally has a strict travel ban on people from shithole countries such as America. However, Trump is such a charmer...

Iraq Obtains 99-year Hong Kong Lease, Promises Democracy and Prosperity

Iraq Obtains 99-year Hong Kong Lease, Promises Democracy and Prosperity

China has granted Iraq a 99-year lease for Hong Kong after the Baghdad regime promised to deliver “democracy, peace and prosperity” to the former British colony. The surprising development comes on the heels of ongoing US-Chinese tensions over Hong Kong’s status as autonomous from mainland China. China’s prominent human rights champion turned foreign minister Wang Yi, spoke to The Mideast...

Assad Holds Anticipatory Memorial Day for Syrians Still Alive
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Assad Holds Anticipatory Memorial Day for Syrians Still Alive

Syrian President, and Russia’s personal puppet, Bashar Assad held an anticipatory memorial day for Syrians that he hasn’t killed yet. It comes on the heels of an unmasked President Trump and a masked Joe Biden who marked America’s Memorial Day this past Monday. An emotional Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast from his recently revealed Damascus Institute for Inclusive Corona...

Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology
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Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology

Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has decided to “embrace a simple Amish lifestyle free from Zionist technology.” The decision comes after Iran’s parliament unanimously passed a resolution banning any use of Israeli technology as a “crime against God.” Since Israeli technology is found in everything from laptops to smartphones, Iran’s supreme leader spoke to The Mideast Beast inside a 100...

ISIS Tasks Eric Trump to Pack Arenas with 50,000 Infidels

ISIS Tasks Eric Trump to Pack Arenas with 50,000 Infidels

ISIS has tasked Eric Trump to “pack arenas with 50.000 MAGA infidels.” The appointment comes after Trump Junior vented a cray-cray-level conspiracy theory over the slow reopening of some US states. “And they think they’re taking away Donald Trump’s greatest tool, which is being able to go into an arena and fill it with 50,000 people every single time, right?”...