Danny Sledgehammer

 

Assad Convinced U.S. High Schools Produce Better Terrorists Than Syria
,

Assad Convinced U.S. High Schools Produce Better Terrorists Than Syria

Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has voiced his enthusiasm that U.S. high schools “produce better terrorists than Syria.” Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast after having his beauty sleep once again ruined by nightly sorties of blue-starred F35s strafing Persian-affiliated yoga classes in Damascus. “The recent high school shooting in Michigan sadly proves, yet again, that U.S. high schools produce far...

Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth”
, ,

Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth”

Miss Iran, Fatameh Ayatollicious, has reportedly been disqualified from the upcoming Miss Universe competition due to “excessive facial hair growth.” The news came amid reports that the contestant, who attended every single event wearing a tunic and turban, appeared to be at least 70 years old and suspiciously resembled Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “I’m not saying that the Miss...

Fauci Issues Fatwa Against Omicron
,

Fauci Issues Fatwa Against Omicron

Dr. Anthony Fauci, chief medical advisor to President Joe Biden, has issued a Fatwa, or Islamic decree, against Omicron, the newest coronavirus variant to threaten the West. “After consulting with prominent alternative medicine experts like Grand Sheikh Ahmed el-Tayeb, Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, and Rep. Ilhan Omar, I realized that a Fatwa is the only way to defeat Covid-19 once and...

Hamas is a “Non-Belieber”, Boycotts Upcoming Tel Aviv Show
,

Hamas is a “Non-Belieber”, Boycotts Upcoming Tel Aviv Show

GAZA CITY — Hamas, a self-declared non-Belieber, has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as yet another “infidel noise crime”. Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “This infidel brat Justin...

Iran: “Biden is our Favorite Thanksgiving Turkey”

Iran: “Biden is our Favorite Thanksgiving Turkey”

Ahead of renewed nuclear talks with Western powers, Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei praised President Biden as “our favorite Thanksgiving Turkey.” Khamenei spoke to The Mideast Beast about his dream of making the world a better place. “We ayatollahs love Thanksgiving and want to thank the United States of America for our favorite turkey: Joe Biden. The White House dude...

Hamas: “Justin Bieber’s Zionist Concert a Crime Against Sensitive Islamist Ears”
,

Hamas: “Justin Bieber’s Zionist Concert a Crime Against Sensitive Islamist Ears”

Hamas has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as an “infidel noise crime against sensitive Islamist ears.” Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “The infidel brat Justin Bieber is the...

Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance
,

Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance

In a dramatic overnight operation, the Israeli Air Force reportedly destroyed the Syrian Air Force after it “failed to keep adequate social border distance.” Israeli Air force commander, General Amikam Norkin, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Since the Syrian pilots ignored the World Health Organization’s instructions of wearing masks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping an adequate social border distance, Israel...

Taliban’s Tourism Minister Excited to Welcome Vaccinated Infidels

Taliban’s Tourism Minister Excited to Welcome Vaccinated Infidels

The Taliban Ministry of Tourism in Afghanistan is excitedly preparing to welcome vaccinated non-Muslim tourists in July. By contrast, virus-phobic Israel decided once again to postpone the reopening of its borders to vaccinated tourists until August due to the global spread of the coronavirus Delta variant. The Taliban’s Tourism Minister, Mullah Kabir, spoke to The Mideast Beast after Lonely Planet...

Biden and Putin Agree to “Make World Peaceful like the Mideast”

Biden and Putin Agree to “Make World Peaceful like the Mideast”

During the recent US-Russian summit in Geneva, US President Joe Biden and Russian President Vladimir Putin vowed to “make the world as peaceful as the Middle East.” Biden spoke to The Mideast Beast about his meeting with the Russian leader in Switzerland. “Folks, I had a constructive face-to-poker-face meeting with Russian Tzar Vladimir Stalin in Sweden. We agreed to make...

Antisemitism Almost Disappears after Liberal US Jews and Hawkish Israelis Trade Places

Antisemitism Almost Disappears after Liberal US Jews and Hawkish Israelis Trade Places

Antisemitism has almost disappeared from Planet Earth after liberal US Jews and hawkish Israelis agreed to trade places. The unconventional solution comes after President Joe Biden recently called the rise in anti-Semitic attacks in the US “despicable, unconscionable, un-American.” The creative brainchild “Trading Places for Peace”, was reportedly created by Eddie Murphy, Biden’s new Community Diversity Director who spoke to...

Bibi: We’ll Never Concede, We’ll Storm the Capitol’s Temple Mount

Bibi: We’ll Never Concede, We’ll Storm the Capitol’s Temple Mount

Facing the end of his political career, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu told his supporters “We will never give up, we will never concede. We will break through the Temple Mount and storm Israel’s capitol, Jerusalem.” Netanyahu reluctantly agreed to speak to The Mideast Beast after he was convinced that the reputable satirical site is somehow loosely affiliated with...

Mideast Pacifists, Drag Queens, and Feminists Celebrate UN anti-Israel Human Rights Probe
,

Mideast Pacifists, Drag Queens, and Feminists Celebrate UN anti-Israel Human Rights Probe

Middle Eastern human rights advocates, such as Syria’s self-declared pacifist leader Bashar Assad, Hezbollah drag queens, and Yemeni feminist jihadists celebrated the UN Human Right Council’s decision to create a permanent fact-finding mission to probe alleged Israeli war crimes worldwide such as “chicken soup addiction.” The progressive human rights organization Woke Ayatollahs against Zionist Nukes also demanded a probe into...

Hamas Transgender Queen Wins Eurovision with” We Will, We Will Rocket You”

Hamas Transgender Queen Wins Eurovision with” We Will, We Will Rocket You”

The Hamas transgender queen Latiffah Jihad surprisingly won the Eurovision song contest with the romantic hit “We will rocket you.” A visibly moved and slightly drug intoxicated Jihad, thanked her fans and supporters from a Dutch halal coffeeshop. “Good evening Europe! Salam Aleikum Eurabia! Thank you for supporting Gaza and choosing rocket love over racist Zionist rocket phobia. I want...

Hamas Joins Netanyahu’s Ceasefire Unity Government
,

Hamas Joins Netanyahu’s Ceasefire Unity Government

Hamas has surprisingly decided to join Netanyahu’s ceasefire unity government after eleven days of tense disagreements and heated debates involving some 4,000 rockets and intense Gaza bombings. In exchange for complete freedom from adult intervention in their militant Gaza playroom, Hamas has agreed to back Netanyahu politically until 2030. Prime Minister Netanyahu’s office released an official statement: “Sometimes you need...

Russia to Israel: Civilian Casualties Unacceptable Outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria
,

Russia to Israel: Civilian Casualties Unacceptable Outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria

In response to the Gaza conflict, Russia’s Foreign Ministry has warned the Israeli Ambassador in Moscow that further “civilian casualties are unacceptable outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria.” The senior Russian official Nikolaj Migchik blasted Israel’s “excessive” military operations in Gaza. “I’m shocked. More than 200 people have been killed in Gaza, mostly innocent masked children in their 20s with Kalashnikovs...

After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza
,

After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza

The State of Israel has surprisingly decided to build terror tunnels into the Gaza Strip. The unconventional decision by Jerusalem comes after the British government urged Israel to ensure “proportionality” in its military actions in Gaza. “Israel must make every effort to avoid civilian casualties and military activity must be proportionate,” said the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s spokesman Max...

Breaking: “Racist Statue of Liberty” to be Dismantled, Returned to France
,

Breaking: “Racist Statue of Liberty” to be Dismantled, Returned to France

After facing mounting pressure from members of the organization ‘Suddenly Every Stone Offends Me’, New York City has decided to tear down and return “racist” Lady Liberty to France. The dramatic decision comes after numerous statues were vandalized recently in the US and Europe. Newly minted assistant professor of Diverse and Inclusive Statues and Artwork at Columbia University, Ms. Lailah...

Iran Signs “Proxy Alliance” with Seattle Rebels
,

Iran Signs “Proxy Alliance” with Seattle Rebels

Iran’s regime has reportedly signed a “proxy resistance alliance” with Seattle anarchist rebels. The generous and entirely altruistic offer came after Iran became the first country to officially recognize the newly declared state, Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, (CHAZ). Iran is expected to open its new embassy in CHAZ after qualifying for Microsoft’s grants for “struggling low-tech entities.” Iran’s supreme leader...

Progressive Taliban Burn Harry Potter Books after JK Rowling’s “Transgender-phobia”
, ,

Progressive Taliban Burn Harry Potter Books after JK Rowling’s “Transgender-phobia”

The progressive Taliban Institute for Literacy Advancement in Afghanistan angrily burned Harry Potter books in protest against J.K. Rowling’s recent transgender-phobic remarks. The bestselling British author committed the cardinal sin of questioning the womanhood of transgender individuals who made the journey from men to women. Mrs. Fatimah Yassin, the Taliban Minister for Gender-Fluid Weird Creatures, spoke to The Mideast Beast...

Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie
, ,

Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie

Retired General and former US Secretary of State Colin Powell, who recently told CNN that President Donald Trump “lies all the time”, stressed, “I miss the days when America had an honest president who did not lie, like about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and stuff like that.” Full of nostalgia, an emotional Powell spoke to The Mideast Beast. “There...