Danny Sledgehammer

 

Breaking: “Racist Statue of Liberty” to be Dismantled, Returned to France
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Breaking: “Racist Statue of Liberty” to be Dismantled, Returned to France

After facing mounting pressure from members of the organization ‘Suddenly Every Stone Offends Me’, New York City has decided to tear down and return “racist” Lady Liberty to France. The dramatic decision comes after numerous statues were vandalized recently in the US and Europe. Newly minted assistant professor of Diverse and Inclusive Statues and Artwork at Columbia University, Ms. Lailah...

Iran Signs “Proxy Alliance” with Seattle Rebels
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Iran Signs “Proxy Alliance” with Seattle Rebels

Iran’s regime has reportedly signed a “proxy resistance alliance” with Seattle anarchist rebels. The generous and entirely altruistic offer came after Iran became the first country to officially recognize the newly declared state, Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, (CHAZ). Iran is expected to open its new embassy in CHAZ after qualifying for Microsoft’s grants for “struggling low-tech entities.” Iran’s supreme leader...

Progressive Taliban Burn Harry Potter Books after JK Rowling’s “Transgender-phobia”
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Progressive Taliban Burn Harry Potter Books after JK Rowling’s “Transgender-phobia”

The progressive Taliban Institute for Literacy Advancement in Afghanistan angrily burned Harry Potter books in protest against J.K. Rowling’s recent transgender-phobic remarks. The bestselling British author committed the cardinal sin of questioning the womanhood of transgender individuals who made the journey from men to women. Mrs. Fatimah Yassin, the Taliban Minister for Gender-Fluid Weird Creatures, spoke to The Mideast Beast...

Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie
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Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie

Retired General and former US Secretary of State Colin Powell, who recently told CNN that President Donald Trump “lies all the time”, stressed, “I miss the days when America had an honest president who did not lie, like about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and stuff like that.” Full of nostalgia, an emotional Powell spoke to The Mideast Beast. “There...

Suicide Bombers’ Lives Matter: “Dismantle Racist US Police”

Suicide Bombers’ Lives Matter: “Dismantle Racist US Police”

The human Jihad rights organization Suicide Bombers’ Lives Matter (SBLM) has strongly condemned “America’s racist and imperialist police forces.” The condemnation comes at a time of violent riots and protests across America over the murder of George Floyd, a black man killed by a police officer in Minneapolis. SBLM director Chalid Said spoke to The Mideast Beast from a restaurant...

Trump Deploys “NYC Lowlife Losers” to Syria, ISIS Flees

Trump Deploys “NYC Lowlife Losers” to Syria, ISIS Flees

The remains of ISIS have fled after President Donald Trump decided to deploy “New York City COVID-19 lowlife losers” to Syria. President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast about his stroke of genius, which simultaneously ended conflicts in New York City and in what’s left of Syria. “Believe me, I normally oppose US involvement in foreign wars but I made...

Yemen Offers Political Asylum to Trump amid US Riots
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Yemen Offers Political Asylum to Trump amid US Riots

Yemen’s government has offered political asylum to President Trump. The offer comes after Trump was briefly evacuated to a bunker amid riots outside the White House. The Mideast Beast secured an exclusive interview with Yemen’s President Abdrabbuh Mansur Hadi. “Yemen normally has a strict travel ban on people from shithole countries such as America. However, Trump is such a charmer...

Iraq Obtains 99-year Hong Kong Lease, Promises Democracy and Prosperity

Iraq Obtains 99-year Hong Kong Lease, Promises Democracy and Prosperity

China has granted Iraq a 99-year lease for Hong Kong after the Baghdad regime promised to deliver “democracy, peace and prosperity” to the former British colony. The surprising development comes on the heels of ongoing US-Chinese tensions over Hong Kong’s status as autonomous from mainland China. China’s prominent human rights champion turned foreign minister Wang Yi, spoke to The Mideast...

Assad Holds Anticipatory Memorial Day for Syrians Still Alive
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Assad Holds Anticipatory Memorial Day for Syrians Still Alive

Syrian President, and Russia’s personal puppet, Bashar Assad held an anticipatory memorial day for Syrians that he hasn’t killed yet. It comes on the heels of an unmasked President Trump and a masked Joe Biden who marked America’s Memorial Day this past Monday. An emotional Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast from his recently revealed Damascus Institute for Inclusive Corona...

Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology
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Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology

Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has decided to “embrace a simple Amish lifestyle free from Zionist technology.” The decision comes after Iran’s parliament unanimously passed a resolution banning any use of Israeli technology as a “crime against God.” Since Israeli technology is found in everything from laptops to smartphones, Iran’s supreme leader spoke to The Mideast Beast inside a 100...

ISIS Tasks Eric Trump to Pack Arenas with 50,000 Infidels

ISIS Tasks Eric Trump to Pack Arenas with 50,000 Infidels

ISIS has tasked Eric Trump to “pack arenas with 50.000 MAGA infidels.” The appointment comes after Trump Junior vented a cray-cray-level conspiracy theory over the slow reopening of some US states. “And they think they’re taking away Donald Trump’s greatest tool, which is being able to go into an arena and fill it with 50,000 people every single time, right?”...

Tesla Chosen “Most Environmentally-Friendly Jihad Vehicle 2020”
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Tesla Chosen “Most Environmentally-Friendly Jihad Vehicle 2020”

Tesla, the US electric vehicle company has been chosen “most environmentally-friendly Jihad vehicle 2020” by ecologically-driven Jihadists worldwide. Tesla CEO Elon Musk spoke to The Mideast Beast from the company’s Palo Alto headquarters. “I’m really moved by the gesture and it proves I was right to reopen Tesla’s California plant. Whether you drive on the right or the left side...

Ayatollah Khamenei’s Jewish Roots Exposed, Considers Wiping Himself off the Map

Ayatollah Khamenei’s Jewish Roots Exposed, Considers Wiping Himself off the Map

Ayatollah Khamenei’s Jewish roots were recently exposed and Iran’s supreme leader is now reportedly considering “wiping myself off the map.” The explosive news comes at a time when Iran’s regime is fighting an uphill battle to suppress the true number of Iranian COVID-19 fatalities. The devastated Khamenei spoke to The Mideast Beast after being boycotted by Rashida Tlaib, John Cusack,...

Hamas and Fatah Mediate Peace between Trump and Obama

Hamas and Fatah Mediate Peace between Trump and Obama

A joint Hamas-Fatah delegation is heading to the US to mediate peace between President Donald Trump and former President Barack Obama. The Hamas-Fatah peace initiative comes at a time of tense social distancing between Trump and Obama on controversial issues such as the handling of Covid-19, swine flu, and “Obamagate”. Senior Fatah peace negotiator Saeb Erekat spoke to The Mideast...

North Korea’s Kim Jong-un Chosen “Sexiest Despot Alive”, Again

North Korea’s Kim Jong-un Chosen “Sexiest Despot Alive”, Again

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has won the People Magazine’s highly coveted title “Sexiest Despot Alive” once again. Jong-un narrowly missed the competition due to rumors that he faked his death to avoid Trump’s phone calls. “It was a well-deserved victory and the world narrowly avoided World War III”, the obesely hot North Korean dictator told The Mideast Beast. Unsurprisingly,...

New Yorkers Invade Israel, Entire Mideast Placed in Quarantine

New Yorkers Invade Israel, Entire Mideast Placed in Quarantine

Israel is facing an invasion by New York immigrants who could potentially be tested positive for both Jewishness and COVID-19. As a result, the entire Middle East has been placed in self-imposed quarantine. The Jewish Agency, the authority responsible for immigration to Israel, issued grim statistics showing a 50-percentage increase in applications among New Yorkers seeking to move to Israel...

Trump: I Built the China Wall, Corona-Commies Paid for It

Trump: I Built the China Wall, Corona-Commies Paid for It

Seeking to calm Americans, President Trump modestly declared, “The pandemic is history. I built a huge Wall of China and made the corona-commies pay for it.” Trump’s statement comes at a time of strained US-Chinese relations. The Mideast Beast spoke to President Trump in an exclusive interview. “To be honest, the coronavirus assault on America is worse than Pearl Harbor,...

Hezbollah Outlaws ”Jew-Loving” Germany

Hezbollah Outlaws ”Jew-Loving” Germany

Hezbollah, Lebanon’s Jihad Boy Scouts have outlawed “Jew-loving” Germany. The response comes after Germany decided to outlaw all of Hezbollah, including its political wing. Hezbollah, which constitutes an integral part of Lebanon’s government, publicly flogged Germany’s ambassador and promptly expelled him from Lebanon with Iran’s militant Mahan Air, COVID-19’s favorite airline. Hezbollah’s outraged chief Hassan ‘Man-Tits’ Nasrallah spoke to The...

Berkeley Offers Safe Space to Battered Iranian Forces Fleeing Syria
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Berkeley Offers Safe Space to Battered Iranian Forces Fleeing Syria

Berkeley’s City Council has offered “safe space” to Iranian forces in Syria, currently badly battered by “racist Yid Demonic Forces (YDF).” The compassionate move from Berkeley, a world-renowned bastion of cherry-picked human rights causes, comes as Iran reportedly begins pulling out its forces from Syria after repeated Israeli airstrikes on Iranian military bases and Iranian-affiliated militias operating in Syria. Berkeley...