Danny Sledgehammer

 

Embracing Social Distancing, Trump to Sell New York City to Iran

Embracing Social Distancing, Trump to Sell New York City to Iran

President Trump has decided to embrace unconventional social distancing by seeking to sell corona-infested New York City to Iran. A slightly virus-phobic President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast about New York after disinfecting his private phone five times during the seven-minute conversation. “Believe me; nobody exports the coronavirus better than me. Instead of enforcing an expensive quarantine, America will profit from dumping New York City right into the ayatollah’s lap. No New York means no Democrat-driven election pandemic 2020.”...

US Quickly Moves Toilet Paper Reserves to Fort Knox Following ISIS Threat of “Crippling Attack”

US Quickly Moves Toilet Paper Reserves to Fort Knox Following ISIS Threat of “Crippling Attack”

The US government is reportedly moving the nation’s diminishing toilet paper reserves to Fort Knox, known by many as ‘the Vault’, famous for its high-level physical security. Locals in Kentucky reported sightings of military vehicles in a miles-long convoy, accompanied by troops from the US Armed Forces, including, by demand of President Trump, detachments from US Space Force. Heading towards the Vault, all vehicles were loaded to the absolute maximum with much of the nation’s dwindling, and much coveted, rolls...

AOC: Racist Corona State Threatens World Peace

AOC: Racist Corona State Threatens World Peace

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) is urging US millennials to “boycott the racist Mideast state Corona.” The call comes right when New York just became the corona epicenter in the US. AOC spoke to The Mideast Beast about her important message to young progressive Americans. “Well, you know, if you are smart like me, you must boycott weed and beer from the virulently oppressive Mideast state Corona, which threatens world peace, climate change, and Milton Keynes’ influential vision of a stable...

Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine

Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine

The health-concerned feminist Taliban have placed Afghani harems in indefinite quarantine. The dramatic development comes as the coronavirus has wreaked havoc on Afghanistan’s once booming Jihad Trade Exchange and closed the country’s world-famous beaches to opium-seeking California dreaming surfers. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar told The Mideast Beast how it feels to be in self-imposed quarantine in a compact cave with 4 Jihad Playmate wives and 72 Victoria Secret virgin servants. “It’s very difficult but someone has to do...

Israelis and Palestinians Unite to “Wipe Coronavirus off the Map”

Israelis and Palestinians Unite to “Wipe Coronavirus off the Map”

Israelis and Palestinians have vowed to “wipe the coronavirus off the map” together. Gaza resident Thabet Thabet spoke to The Mideast Beast. “It feels like cheating, but I’m cheering Zionist Apache AH-64s neutralizing corona sites in Gaza. In return, since Yid Men Can’t Jump with anti-Covid-19 bomb belts, we teach them all our tricks.” Across the border, one Israeli man, Moshe ben Shimon, admitted that he supports Hamas. “I would probably not invite Hamas folks for dinner, but they are...

US Kills Virulent Terrorist Mastermind Corona, Trump Claims

US Kills Virulent Terrorist Mastermind Corona, Trump Claims

In a dramatic overnight covert operation, US Special Forces eliminated the world’s top virulent terrorist, General Corona, outside Baghdad airport. According to President Trump, a US drone fired 19 COVID-positive missiles into the car, carrying Corona, his virulent bodyguards, and some other douche of a virus. In recent weeks, the virus mastermind wreaked havoc on every sector throughout societies worldwide. Corona recently forced the New York Stock Exchange to close its trading floor. A self-congratulatory President Trump spoke to The...

Endorsing Sanders, Iran Hosts “Post-Jewish Infidel Pride Parade”

Endorsing Sanders, Iran Hosts “Post-Jewish Infidel Pride Parade”

Iran’s super-liberal ayatollah regime is endorsing Bernie Sanders and hosting the world’s largest “Post-Jewish Infidel Pride” parade in Tehran. The unconventional initiative comes after Sanders is increasingly facing pressure to exit the presidential race. Iran’s supreme-leader Ayatollah Khamenei spoke to The Mideast Beast from his Zionist-free, corona-infested subterranean nuclear rice factory. “I am concerned about rising levels of antisemitism in white supremacist Trump’s America. This is why Iran endorses the proud post-Jew Bernie Sanders for president of the “Great Satan”....

Biden: Only I Can Stop Saddam Hussein

Biden: Only I Can Stop Saddam Hussein

Feeling energized after his third nap, Joe Biden confidently confronted Bernie Sanders during the recent Democratic debate by declaring, “Only I can stop Iraq’s despot Saddam Hussein.” Biden astounded the audience with his unmatched grasp of current foreign affairs. “Wake up folks! Iraq’s dictator Saddam Hussein recently invaded Kuwait. Bernie, this is not the time to obsess about socialist coronavirus revolutions. Incumbent President George H. W. Bush is not lifting a finger to stop Saddam. Only I can build an...

Hezbollah: “72 Virgins is Too Crowded”, Martyrs Feel Cheated

Hezbollah: “72 Virgins is Too Crowded”, Martyrs Feel Cheated

Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah has ruled that 72 virgins is dangerously crowded for its suicide bombers, leaving many potential martyrs feeling cheated. Nasrallah’s decision comes after he and other senior Hezbollah leaders reportedly contracted the coronavirus. Nasrallah spoke to The Mideast Beast from his subterranean quarantine Beirut bunker. “As Hezbollah’s leader, my main responsibility is to preserve a safe afterlife for our virile martyr operatives. Gatherings of more than 50 virgins is not considered safe”. Ali al-Shahidi, a disillusioned 24-year...

UN Closes Due to Coronavirus, Israel Condemned

UN Closes Due to Coronavirus, Israel Condemned

The United Nations has closed due to a coronavirus scare in New York and Geneva. The UN General Assembly remotely condemned Israel, widely blamed for “Coronaizing the world” after “credible intelligence” was provided by the Iranian regime’s Conspiracy Ministry. UN spokesperson Yasser Gaddafi, a cousin of the late and beloved Libyan freedom champion Muammar Gaddafi, spoke to The Mideast Beast from the new Disney World in Syria, a well-known Palestinian UNESCO heritage site. “This is a sad day for humanity,...

Trump Praises “Best Friends Forever” Deal with Taliban

Trump Praises “Best Friends Forever” Deal with Taliban

President Donald Trump has praised the recently signed “Best Friends Forever” deal with the Taliban. The President spoke to The Mideast Beast about his phone conversation with Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar.“I had a good talk with President Mullah. I had a feeling those Jews were listening in on the call, so I was really careful, only using the best words. I have transcripts to prove it. Trump continued, “We have so much in common. Both of us consist...

Trump Claims ‘Win’ in Israeli Election, Vows Moving Israeli Embassy to Mar-a-Lago

Trump Claims ‘Win’ in Israeli Election, Vows Moving Israeli Embassy to Mar-a-Lago

Israeli Prime Minister Donald Trump claims to have achieved “the “biggest win of my life” in the Israeli election, despite failing to secure a winning margin in order to form a viable majority government. He appointed an unknown bureaucrat Bibi Netanyahu as his anti-corruption speechwriter and Middle East Director of Annexation. Prime Minister Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast, his second favorite Middle Eastern “fake news media” outlet after Al Jazeera. “Today marks a new approach to the conflict between...

Disney World to Move to Syria after Florida Considered Unsafe

Disney World to Move to Syria after Florida Considered Unsafe

Disney World is deciding whether to relocate from Florida to Syria after a sinking accident involving Disney World’s popular Jungle Cruise boat. The recently appointed and highly experienced Security Chief of Disney World, Dick Grenell, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Unfortunately, Florida has become too dangerous for our visitors. It is infested with man-eating alligators and I don’t speak Spanglish. Furthermore, Florida is the most unstable swinger state battleground between America’s two most dangerous people: Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders....

PLO launches Hijack-Friendly Airline for Harassed Terrorists

PLO launches Hijack-Friendly Airline for Harassed Terrorists

The PLO has launched the world’s first hijack-friendliest airline for harassed terrorists. The European-funded planes will be painted in stylish keffiyeh checkered patterns with a picture of the smiling pacifist fighter Yasser Arafat on the vehicle’s tail. The PLO initiative comes after Dana Ghazi Mustafa, a North Carolina woman, was harassed and arrested by “racist” FBI officials after innocently stating onboard a United Airlines plane: “I’m going to stab everyone on the plane then kill myself. I’m Palestinian! That’s how...

Iranian Anti-Semitism Virus Outbreak, Sanders Condemns Israel’s “Racist” Ayatollah Entry Ban

Iranian Anti-Semitism Virus Outbreak, Sanders Condemns Israel’s “Racist” Ayatollah Entry Ban

Israel’s Ministry of Health has imposed a strict entry ban on Iranian ayatollah regime officials contemplating visiting Israel. The dramatic move comes after Iran’s supreme leader ayatollah Ali Khamenei and most of his regime officials were tested positive for the anti-Semitism virus – also known as AsV-2020– believed to be even more lethal than the rapidly-spreading coronavirus throughout the Middle East Bernie Sanders swiftly condemned Israel’s “racist” entry ban on ayatollah officials in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “As...

Saudi Textbooks Upgrade Jews from ‘Dogs’ to ‘Monkeys’, Trump Takes Credit for Warmer Ties

Saudi Textbooks Upgrade Jews from ‘Dogs’ to ‘Monkeys’, Trump Takes Credit for Warmer Ties

President Donald Trump has taken credit for reportedly warmer Saudi-Israeli ties. It comes after it was revealed that Saudi school textbooks lovingly refer to Jews as ‘monkeys’ and teach Saudi school kids that ‘Islamophobic Zionists’ plan to take over the Middle East from the River Nile to the River Euphrates. President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast from his Mar-a-Lago golf course. “Honestly, nobody has better people skills than me. Half of America loves me, and the other half is...

Palestinian Authority and Israel Offer Couples Therapy to Democrats and Republicans

Palestinian Authority and Israel Offer Couples Therapy to Democrats and Republicans

Concerned about increased divisions in American society, the Palestinian National Authority (PNA) and Israel are offering couples therapy to frustrated Democrats and Republicans, who cannot peacefully coexist. Mahmoud Abbas, the 15-year unofficial, unelected President of the State of Palestine, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “I am worried about the toxic intifada atmosphere in America. I can totally relate to people who dream about blowing up Trump Tower and moving the US Jerusalem Embassy debris to the Mediterranean Sea. However, that...

PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects

PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects

The PLO movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ shocked the movie industry by winning the Oscar for “Best Fake News Special Effects.” CNN, which was involved in the PLO movie project, won the Oscar for “Best Supporting Actor.” An impressed Steven Spielberg told The Mideast Beast: “I’ve done ‘Jaws’ and ‘Indiana Jones’ but nobody beats PLO in staging massacres and faking ancient civilizations. Infidelity-friendly Hollywood infidels can learn a great deal from Jihad-friendly Pallywood.” Self-described progressive singer turned Middle East expert John Legend...

Jimmy Carter Offers Jews Homemade Peanut Butter if They Return to Egypt

Jimmy Carter Offers Jews Homemade Peanut Butter if They Return to Egypt

Former US President Jimmy Carter has reportedly offered the Jews his highly coveted homemade peanut butter if they give up Zionist imposed slavery and return to freedom in Egypt. The unconventional offer comes after Carter recently criticized President Trump’s “Deal of the Century” Middle Eastern peace plan. Jimmy Carter spoke to The Mideast Beast from his decaying farm while promoting his new book “Palestine: Peanut Peace, not Trump Apartheid”. “President Trump’s peace plan endangers the implementation of a fair and...

Israel Begins Direct Iran Flights, Using F-35 Combat Aircraft

Israel Begins Direct Iran Flights, Using F-35 Combat Aircraft

Israel’s Aviation Authority has for the first time since the Islamic Revolution in 1979, greenlighted direct flights to Iran. The dramatic decision comes after relations between Iran and Israel are warming up, especially in Syria. Until flight conditions stabilize, F35, F15 and F16 combat aircraft from the Israeli Air Force will operate the flight route from Tel Aviv to Tehran. Iran’s Ayatollah Ministry of Transport did express concern that the “unilateral racist Zionist flights” would deny “frequent flyer virgin benefits...