Danny Sledgehammer

 

International Criminal Court Accuses Israel of “Killing Pallywood Actor Three Times”
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International Criminal Court Accuses Israel of “Killing Pallywood Actor Three Times”

The International Criminal Court (ICC) accuses Israel of “brutally killing Pallywood’s movie star Mohamed al-Duracell three times.” ICC Chief Prosecutor Fatou Bensouda spoke to The Mideast Beast while finalizing the conclusions of the slightly predetermined probe concerning Israeli crimes. “Killing someone three times is a very serious crime that the ICC does not take lightly. Our human rights loving Saudi...

Assad: Biden Smelled My Hair and Touched Me Inappropriately
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Assad: Biden Smelled My Hair and Touched Me Inappropriately

Syrian President Bashar Assad has accused Joe Biden of “smelling my hair and touching me inappropriately.” The explosive story comes at a time when many Americans are having second thoughts about Biden’s eligibility as America’s next President. A devastated Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast from The Institute for Traumatized Despots in the Levant. “One day during my studies in...

IKEA Offers Assembly Instructions to Flat-Packaged Mideast Peace
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IKEA Offers Assembly Instructions to Flat-Packaged Mideast Peace

The global furniture giant IKEA is now offering “assembly instructions to a flat-packaged Mideast peace.” The announcement comes as the popular Swedish furniture seller reopens its stores in Israel, Germany and China. IKEA’s upbeat Mideast Director Sven Borg revealed to The Mideast Beast why IKEA’s Middle East Peace Plan has better chances than the previous 789 clinically dead peace proposals....

Trump Converts to “Corporate Family Judaism”, Blasts “Anti-Semitic Fake News”

Trump Converts to “Corporate Family Judaism”, Blasts “Anti-Semitic Fake News”

President Donald Trump, who has converted to Kushner Inc. “Corporate Family Judaism”, blasted the “anti-Semitic fake news media.” Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast at Mar-a-Lago’s Orthodox Golf Synagogue. “Believe me, nobody is a bigger victim of anti-Semitic persecution than me. David Duke says that the nasty stuff the media says about me is taken directly from the Nazi playbook.”...

“Fifty Shades of Grey” Author Praises Saudis for Upgrading Flogging to Pleasure

“Fifty Shades of Grey” Author Praises Saudis for Upgrading Flogging to Pleasure

E.L. James, the British author of the bestselling erotic trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey, has praised Saudi Arabia for upgrading flogging from punishment to pleasure. The Saudi decision to change the status of flogging is part of wider liberal reforms, pushed by Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS) to modernize the slightly conservative Islamic desert kingdom. E.L. James spoke enthusiastically...

Biden Congratulates David Ben-Gurion on Israel’s Independence Day
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Biden Congratulates David Ben-Gurion on Israel’s Independence Day

Presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly sent an official letter to Israel’s founding father David Ben-Gurion, wishing Israel a Happy Independence Day. A frustrated Biden told The Mideast Beast that he was surprised that he never received a reply from Ben-Gurion who passed away in 1973. “Frankly I think it is rude that Prime Minister Ben-Gurion never bothered to respond to...

France: No More Champagne for Mrs. Netanyahu If Settlements Annexed

France: No More Champagne for Mrs. Netanyahu If Settlements Annexed

France is threatening to stop the delivery of “ridiculously pricey champagne to quench Mrs. Sara Netanyahu’s absurdly unquenchable thirst” if Israel does not shelve its Jewish settlement annexation plan. The deterioration of already strained French-Israeli relations comes after the European Union voiced its opposition to the Israeli government’s master plan to vote on the proposed annexation plan. President Emmanuel Macron,...

Netanyahu Gets Ministry of Prison in Best Friends Forever Government

Netanyahu Gets Ministry of Prison in Best Friends Forever Government

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and his former political rival Benny Gantz have signed a Best Friends Forever Unity Government deal, where Netanyahu gets the highly coveted Prison Ministry, until the end of time. “It was tough to give up the popular Prison Ministry, but Netanyahu seems much attached to it”, Mr. Gantz told The Mideast Beast. Netanyahu’s spokesperson David Golani...

Obama Endorses Biden for President of the Mideast Assured Dementia (MAD) Institute

Obama Endorses Biden for President of the Mideast Assured Dementia (MAD) Institute

After a period of silence, former President Barack Obama is finally publicly endorsing Joe Biden for President of the Mideast Assured Dementia (MAD) Institute, a new think tank that as far as people remember, is somehow loosely affiliated with the Obama Foundation. Obama, who seeks renewed competence and humility in a post-Trump era, spoke to The Mideast Beast at his...

Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance
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Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance

In a dramatic overnight operation, the Israeli Air Force reportedly destroyed the Syrian Air Force after it “failed to keep adequate social border distance.” Israeli Air force commander, General Amikam Norkin, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Since the Syrian pilots ignored the World Health Organization’s instructions of wearing masks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping an adequate social border distance, Israel...

Putin to Join Israeli Unity Government after Netanyahu Promises to Annex Syria
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Putin to Join Israeli Unity Government after Netanyahu Promises to Annex Syria

Russian President Vladimir Putin has agreed to join an Israeli unity government after Prime Minister Netanyahu promised to annex Syria. The looming threat of a fourth Israeli election in a year has thereby been averted thanks to Putin’s responsible brinkmanship. According to the Putin-Netanyahu deal, Netanyahu will serve as a puppet Prime Minister for the first 18 months with Putin...

Greenpeace Protests after Hezbollah Vows to Push “Zionist Pollution” into the Sea

Greenpeace Protests after Hezbollah Vows to Push “Zionist Pollution” into the Sea

Greenpeace International Director Jennifer Morgan has protested vocally after Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah renewed the promise to push the “Zionist Pollution into the Mediterranean Sea.” Greenpeace is already on edge after the UN Climate conference COP26 was recently postponed due to the ongoing COVID pandemic. Jennifer Morgan spoke to The Mideast Beast during a hostile Greenpeace takeover of a polluting...

North Korea Promises to Starve COVID-19 to Death
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North Korea Promises to Starve COVID-19 to Death

The World Health Organization (WHO) has praised North Korea after its supreme leader Kim Jong-un promised that he will “starve COVID-19 to death.” The announcement from the North Korean leader comes at a time when the slightly isolated country has stepped up its fight against the corona pandemic. Kim Jong-un offered an exclusive Zoom interview with The Mideast Beast (TMB),...

ISIS Fashion Week Unveils Trendy COVID-19 Resistant Unisex Burka
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ISIS Fashion Week Unveils Trendy COVID-19 Resistant Unisex Burka

While the Paris fashion weeks were recently cancelled due to the pandemic, ISIS fashion week, which took place in a Syrian prison, proudly unveiled a trendy COVID-19 resistant unisex burka. ISIS’ chief fashion designer Mohammed Saladin who was educated at the prestigious New York Liberal Fashion School for Inclusive Oppression, enthusiastically spoke to The Mideast Beast about his innovative virus-resistant...

Sanders to Run for President of Iran, Promises Nuclear Literacy Program

Sanders to Run for President of Iran, Promises Nuclear Literacy Program

Bernie Sanders has announced his candidacy for President of Iran, where he promises to launch a nuclear literacy program. Sanders’ surprising Iran announcement comes after he recently ended his US presidential campaign. The Mideast Beast spoke to the almost-octogenarian about his new career path. “Read my lips, I will become Iran’s first proud post-Jewish socialist president and launch a nuclear...

Harvard Study Vindicates China: Novel Coronavirus a Delayed Biblical Plague from Egypt

Harvard Study Vindicates China: Novel Coronavirus a Delayed Biblical Plague from Egypt

A new groundbreaking Harvard University study has vindicated China, revealing that SARS-CoV-2 is a delayed Egyptian plague from Biblical times. The virus was reportedly designed to pressure the Pharaoh to release the restless Israelites into a 40-year desert hike towards the Promised Land. The study was compiled by Harvard professor Jeremiah Lieber, a brother of the controversial Harvard scholar Dr....

Jeremy Corbyn Offers “Jewish Affairs” Consultation to Hamas Friends

Jeremy Corbyn Offers “Jewish Affairs” Consultation to Hamas Friends

Jeremy Corbyn, the recently replaced British Labour Party leader, has generously offered “Jewish Affairs” consultation to his “Hamas friends.” Corbyn spoke to The Mideast Beast via Zoom after being reassured that TMB has no links whatsoever to “financial Zionist backers.” “As Britain’s leading expert on Jewish affairs, I naturally offered my vast expertise to my dear Hamas friends. That’s what...

Concerned about COVID-19 Erdogan Orders Soundproof Masks on Journalists

Concerned about COVID-19 Erdogan Orders Soundproof Masks on Journalists

Concerned about soaring COVID-19 rates in his country, Turkish President and Grand Sultan-wannabe Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, has ordered “all problematic journalists” to don N95 soundproof masks. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, Erdogan noted, “All Turks are very precious to me, especially Turkish journalists who adore me for pampering them with unprecedented freedom. Out of concern for the journalists’ wellbeing in...

Messiah Cancels Redemptive Arrivals to Holy Land
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Messiah Cancels Redemptive Arrivals to Holy Land

In a strongly worded official statement in Yiddish to the leaders of ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities, Messiah’s Press Office Spokeswoman announced, “Messiah has decided to place the Holy Land in an unholy quarantine and has cancelled all redemptive arrivals before the year 7255.” The harsh statement from Heaven comes after some ultra-Orthodox Jews have violated corona-related social distancing rules in Israel...

Iran to Ease Sanctions on US

Iran to Ease Sanctions on US

Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has surprisingly decided to ease the Islamic Republic’s choking sanctions on Washington, which have denied suffering American consumers vital commodities such as Persian rugs made in child factories, Iranian fruits, and crumbling Islamic revolutions. Iran’s softening move comes as the US has quickly emerged as the world’s corona epicenter, with bleak forecasts for the coming...