E.L. James, the British author of the bestselling erotic trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey, has praised Saudi Arabia for upgrading flogging from punishment to pleasure. The Saudi decision to change the status of flogging is part of wider liberal reforms, pushed by Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS) to modernize the slightly conservative Islamic desert kingdom. E.L. James spoke enthusiastically...
Presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly sent an official letter to Israel’s founding father David Ben-Gurion, wishing Israel a Happy Independence Day. A frustrated Biden told The Mideast Beast that he was surprised that he never received a reply from Ben-Gurion who passed away in 1973. “Frankly I think it is rude that Prime Minister Ben-Gurion never bothered to respond to...
France is threatening to stop the delivery of “ridiculously pricey champagne to quench Mrs. Sara Netanyahu’s absurdly unquenchable thirst” if Israel does not shelve its Jewish settlement annexation plan. The deterioration of already strained French-Israeli relations comes after the European Union voiced its opposition to the Israeli government’s master plan to vote on the proposed annexation plan. President Emmanuel Macron,...
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and his former political rival Benny Gantz have signed a Best Friends Forever Unity Government deal, where Netanyahu gets the highly coveted Prison Ministry, until the end of time. “It was tough to give up the popular Prison Ministry, but Netanyahu seems much attached to it”, Mr. Gantz told The Mideast Beast. Netanyahu’s spokesperson David Golani...
After a period of silence, former President Barack Obama is finally publicly endorsing Joe Biden for President of the Mideast Assured Dementia (MAD) Institute, a new think tank that as far as people remember, is somehow loosely affiliated with the Obama Foundation. Obama, who seeks renewed competence and humility in a post-Trump era, spoke to The Mideast Beast at his...
Russian President Vladimir Putin has agreed to join an Israeli unity government after Prime Minister Netanyahu promised to annex Syria. The looming threat of a fourth Israeli election in a year has thereby been averted thanks to Putin’s responsible brinkmanship. According to the Putin-Netanyahu deal, Netanyahu will serve as a puppet Prime Minister for the first 18 months with Putin...
Greenpeace International Director Jennifer Morgan has protested vocally after Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah renewed the promise to push the “Zionist Pollution into the Mediterranean Sea.” Greenpeace is already on edge after the UN Climate conference COP26 was recently postponed due to the ongoing COVID pandemic. Jennifer Morgan spoke to The Mideast Beast during a hostile Greenpeace takeover of a polluting...
The World Health Organization (WHO) has praised North Korea after its supreme leader Kim Jong-un promised that he will “starve COVID-19 to death.” The announcement from the North Korean leader comes at a time when the slightly isolated country has stepped up its fight against the corona pandemic. Kim Jong-un offered an exclusive Zoom interview with The Mideast Beast (TMB),...
While the Paris fashion weeks were recently cancelled due to the pandemic, ISIS fashion week, which took place in a Syrian prison, proudly unveiled a trendy COVID-19 resistant unisex burka. ISIS’ chief fashion designer Mohammed Saladin who was educated at the prestigious New York Liberal Fashion School for Inclusive Oppression, enthusiastically spoke to The Mideast Beast about his innovative virus-resistant...
Bernie Sanders has announced his candidacy for President of Iran, where he promises to launch a nuclear literacy program. Sanders’ surprising Iran announcement comes after he recently ended his US presidential campaign. The Mideast Beast spoke to the almost-octogenarian about his new career path. “Read my lips, I will become Iran’s first proud post-Jewish socialist president and launch a nuclear...
A new groundbreaking Harvard University study has vindicated China, revealing that SARS-CoV-2 is a delayed Egyptian plague from Biblical times. The virus was reportedly designed to pressure the Pharaoh to release the restless Israelites into a 40-year desert hike towards the Promised Land. The study was compiled by Harvard professor Jeremiah Lieber, a brother of the controversial Harvard scholar Dr....
Jeremy Corbyn, the recently replaced British Labour Party leader, has generously offered “Jewish Affairs” consultation to his “Hamas friends.” Corbyn spoke to The Mideast Beast via Zoom after being reassured that TMB has no links whatsoever to “financial Zionist backers.” “As Britain’s leading expert on Jewish affairs, I naturally offered my vast expertise to my dear Hamas friends. That’s what...
Concerned about soaring COVID-19 rates in his country, Turkish President and Grand Sultan-wannabe Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, has ordered “all problematic journalists” to don N95 soundproof masks. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, Erdogan noted, “All Turks are very precious to me, especially Turkish journalists who adore me for pampering them with unprecedented freedom. Out of concern for the journalists’ wellbeing in...
In a strongly worded official statement in Yiddish to the leaders of ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities, Messiah’s Press Office Spokeswoman announced, “Messiah has decided to place the Holy Land in an unholy quarantine and has cancelled all redemptive arrivals before the year 7255.” The harsh statement from Heaven comes after some ultra-Orthodox Jews have violated corona-related social distancing rules in Israel...
Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has surprisingly decided to ease the Islamic Republic’s choking sanctions on Washington, which have denied suffering American consumers vital commodities such as Persian rugs made in child factories, Iranian fruits, and crumbling Islamic revolutions. Iran’s softening move comes as the US has quickly emerged as the world’s corona epicenter, with bleak forecasts for the coming...
President Trump has decided to embrace unconventional social distancing by seeking to sell corona-infested New York City to Iran. A slightly virus-phobic President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast about New York after disinfecting his private phone five times during the seven-minute conversation. “Believe me; nobody exports the coronavirus better than me. Instead of enforcing an expensive quarantine, America will...
The US government is reportedly moving the nation’s diminishing toilet paper reserves to Fort Knox, known by many as ‘the Vault’, famous for its high-level physical security. Locals in Kentucky reported sightings of military vehicles in a miles-long convoy, accompanied by troops from the US Armed Forces, including, by demand of President Trump, detachments from US Space Force. Heading towards...
Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) is urging US millennials to “boycott the racist Mideast state Corona.” The call comes right when New York just became the corona epicenter in the US. AOC spoke to The Mideast Beast about her important message to young progressive Americans. “Well, you know, if you are smart like me, you must boycott weed and beer from...
The health-concerned feminist Taliban have placed Afghani harems in indefinite quarantine. The dramatic development comes as the coronavirus has wreaked havoc on Afghanistan’s once booming Jihad Trade Exchange and closed the country’s world-famous beaches to opium-seeking California dreaming surfers. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar told The Mideast Beast how it feels to be in self-imposed quarantine in a compact...
Israelis and Palestinians have vowed to “wipe the coronavirus off the map” together. Gaza resident Thabet Thabet spoke to The Mideast Beast. “It feels like cheating, but I’m cheering Zionist Apache AH-64s neutralizing corona sites in Gaza. In return, since Yid Men Can’t Jump with anti-Covid-19 bomb belts, we teach them all our tricks.” Across the border, one Israeli man,...
