12-Step Program for Anti-Israel Addicts

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THE INTERNET — On Thursday evening The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with Dr. Ye Rashida-Cortez, Director of the Anti-Israel Addicts Anonymous group, who has developed a 12-step program not just for “Israel = apartheid” addicts but specifically tailored for addicts who get every. fucking. thing. wrong. about Israel. Ye Rashida-Cortez noted, “At least drunks can be fun and a potential source of hook ups, whereas netizens who have become meme-educated historians are factually annoying. We believe that this carefully-designed 12-step program may help with their serious affliction.”

  1. Admit you are an addict, and that “apartheid”, “Zio-Nazi”, and out-of-context map memes turn you on more than alcohol and porn. This is something that may cause you to feel shame…but you’ll eventually get over it. Probably. Possibly.
  2. Admit that you’ve never stepped foot in Israel. (*Having an Israeli or Palestinian friend doesn’t count.)
  3. Confess that you don’t really understand what Zionism means or the difference between the varying types of Zionism, and of course that you don’t understand the difference between the Arab-Israeli Conflict and the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. It’s probably best to be totally honest and confess that you don’t understand the Middle East at all.
  4. Admit that when you think of Israel you imagine white people. This is applicable for the far-right and far-left. (*Majority of Israelis are of Middle Eastern and Middle East-North Africa descent.)
  5. Do not put your faith in a delusional and failing idea to remove your addiction. Speak to a doctor about the right pills for you.
  6. Make amends with those whom you have pissed off. Take your time; we know the list is long.
  7. Know that these ‘defects of character’ will never truly leave you, but with hard work, you can learn how to read books and dive into archival material; or you could always learn the art of ‘STFU’.
  8. Learn to say, “I was wrong”. We’re actually ROTFF right now, but just go with it.
  9. You will heal but not through prayer and meditation but rather medication.
  10.  Do not expect a spiritual awakening, but do expect a feeling of “wow, now that I’m less of an asshole, I have friends again!”
  11. Do not ask a higher power to remove your weaknesses. If you’re trolling, you are weak. The best you can do is fight it, and the right meds will help.
  12. Think about all the people you’ve annoyed the shit out of with your ‘newsfeed-education’. Other people’s welfare, not yours, comes first. Your welfare is way, way down the list.

The internet is counting on you!

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