THE INTERNET — On Thursday evening The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with Dr. Omer Rashida-Cortez, Director of the Anti-Israel Addicts Anonymous group, who has developed a 12-step program not just for “Israel = apartheid” addicts but specifically tailored for addicts who get every. fucking. thing. wrong. about Israel. Rashida-Cortez noted, “At least drunks can be fun and a potential source of hook ups, whereas netizens who have become meme-educated historians are factually annoying. We believe that this carefully-designed 12-step program may help with their serious affliction.”
- Admit you are an addict, and that “apartheid”, “Zio-Nazi”, and out-of-context map memes turn you on more than alcohol and porn. This is something that may cause you to feel shame…but you’ll eventually get over it. Probably. Possibly.
- Admit that you’ve never stepped foot in Israel. (*Having an Israeli or Palestinian friend doesn’t count.)
- Confess that you don’t really understand what Zionism means or the difference between the varying types of Zionism, and of course that you don’t understand the difference between the Arab-Israeli Conflict and the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. It’s probably best to be totally honest and confess that you don’t understand the Middle East at all.
- Admit that when you think of Israel you imagine white people. This is applicable for the far-right and far-left. (*Majority of Israelis are of Middle Eastern and Middle East-North Africa descent.)
- Do not put your faith in a delusional and failing idea to remove your addiction. Speak to a doctor about the right pills for you.
- Make amends with those whom you have pissed off. Take your time; we know the list is long.
- Know that these ‘defects of character’ will never truly leave you, but with hard work, you can learn how to read books and dive into archival material; or you could always learn the art of ‘STFU’.
- Learn to say, “I was wrong”. We’re actually ROTFF right now, but just go with it.
- You will heal but not through prayer and meditation but rather medication.
- Do not expect a spiritual awakening, but do expect a feeling of “wow, now that I’m less of an asshole, I have friends again!”
- Do not ask a higher power to remove your weaknesses. If you’re trolling, you are weak. The best you can do is fight it, and the right meds will help.
- Think about all the people you’ve annoyed the shit out of with your ‘newsfeed-education’. Other people’s welfare, not yours, comes first. Your welfare is way, way down the list.
The internet is counting on you!