Cartoonists Riot in Revenge Attack

Cartoonists Riot in Revenge Attack

Satirical cartoonist gangs yesterday rioted across Europe through Muslim neighborhoods in an apparent revenge attacks. At press time, 43 Muslims were reported dead, 110 injured, and an uncounted number viciously lampooned. Muslim leaders and politicians called on cartoonists to condemn the rioters. “If satirical cartoonists wish to live in Britain, they must integrate into British civilization,” declared Prime Minister David Cameron, a tight ass and prime target for satire. Several commentators thought this issue arises in a troubling time for...

France Declares, “It is Time for the Normans to Come Home”

France Declares, “It is Time for the Normans to Come Home”

In a move surprising both for its timeliness and its lack of hypocrisy, France today declared that it is time for the Normans to return to Normandy. “Look it’s been a great run. Really, we planned on holding the announcement another 51 years for the 1000 year anniversary, but it is time to end the illegal occupation of our Anglo-Saxon neighbors. Normans! Come home! Response in Great Britain to the request proved surprisingly mixed. “I don’t speak French, but I...

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban

Following the uproar surrounding her photo at the Miss Universe Pageant, Miss America told The Israeli Daily that she did not mean to pose with Miss Taliban and was simply taking a picture with several other models when the Taliban’s representative jumped into the frame. “I was posing for a nice picture with my good friends – Miss Saudi Arabia, Miss Pakistan and Miss Northern Alliance – when out of nowhere Miss Taliban comes from behind and yells ‘photobomb!'” Miss...

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change

The Saudi Royal Court said today that it had been taking advice from Vatican officials in how to handle transition in a gerontocracy (a government run by old farts). The sad news of the demise of 90’ish King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz‎ was quickly followed by the pronouncement that he will be succeeded by his spritely 79-year old half-brother Salman. A high ranking courtier told The Israeli Daily‎, “we’d kind of been thinking King Abdullah wouldn’t last much longer and we...

Israel Calls Sweden for Heart-To-Heart

Israel Calls Sweden for Heart-To-Heart

Israel phoned Sweden to express his hurt that the Nordic hunk had recognized its errant neighbor Palestine. The Zionist homeland commented, “well at first when I heard the news I was like, whoa dude, not cool! What have I ever done to piss off the Scandinavians? Just at my birthday in May I was belting out the Abba hits on the Karaoke. For some reason I always finish with ‘Dancing Queen”, don’t know why.” “However after the initial shock wore...

World sends strong message at Paris Unity Rally: Terror against White, Christian Westerners will not be tolerated

World sends strong message at Paris Unity Rally: Terror against White, Christian Westerners will not be tolerated

In the wake of the Charlie Hebdo attacks, leaders from around the world have come together in a rare act of unity to send a message to terrorists around the world: Terrorism, in any shape or form, will simply not be tolerated when perpetrated against White, Christian, Westerners. “These last several weeks have been eye opening,” Secretary State John Kerry said in a press conference as James Taylor awkwardly played ‘You’ve Got a Friend’ on a microphone that looked uncomfortably low...

Hezbollah Leaders Flee Syria, Photobomb Milan Fashion Week

Hezbollah Leaders Flee Syria, Photobomb Milan Fashion Week

Following an alleged Israeli attack that killed five members of Hezbollah operating out of Syria, dozens of the Islamist militant group’s senior members have reportedly fled to this season’s catwalks at Milan Fashion Week 2015. Jalal Jaffer, a high ranking Hezbollah operative, photobombed a selfie taken by Paris Hilton with rapper Snoop Dogg backstage at the Philipp Plein show. “His first collection of vintage military jackets, which he embroidered with Swarovski skulls, inspired me to quit my online tutoring job and...

Exclusive Interview with Israel; “I Am Ready to Become ‘the Jewish State'”

Exclusive Interview with Israel; “I Am Ready to Become ‘the Jewish State'”

After 66 years of testing the waters, the ‘Dionysus of the Mediterranean’, also known as Israel, has decided to officially convert to Judaism and nickname himself, ‘The Jewish State’. The Mideast Beast managed to have a face-to-face with Israel while he partied like a rock star for his 67th Hanukkah celebration this past December. “For me, it all comes down to tenacity. I’ve experienced the Romans, Greeks, Ottomans, and many more over the past few thousand years. The Jews have simply been...

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England

Following a Fox News report revealing that the British city of Birmingham has rid itself completely of infidels, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced the Islamic caliphate will be moved from Iraq to the United Kingdom. “I thought the success of the Islamic State was revolutionary, rivaled only by the age of the Prophet Muhammad and his companions,” al-Baghdadi told The Israeli Daily. “Now I learn that the British have created an even purer society in the heart of the...

Russia to change Christmas to May

Russia to change Christmas to May

The Russian Orthodox Church announced this week that it was evaluating a proposal to move the date of Christmas from 7 January to 15 May. Officials cited increased issues with access to holy sites in the Middle East around the December/January time frame. In a statement from Patriach Kirill’s office the church stated, “we will be undertaking a consultation with the faithful about moving the birth of Jesus to 15 May in order to give us more access to sites...

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl

Orthodox Newspaper The Announcer has developed a bit of a crush on Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt. The adolescent media outlet was reportedly being made to feel ‘all funny down there’ by the blond beauty, after being caught cropping her from photographs of the Paris unity march for Charlie Hebdo this week. The spotty periodical commented, “I don’t want to talk about it, get out of my room! Girls are smelly and weird. Meir Porush and me are just going...

Arab Leaders Attend Massive Rally in Qatar to Protest Plummeting Oil Prices

Arab Leaders Attend Massive Rally in Qatar to Protest Plummeting Oil Prices

Close to a million emirs, sheikhs, princes, sultans and other assorted royals walked arm in arm through Qatar’s capital city of Doha in an unprecedented display to pay tribute to the victims of the dramatic drop in oil prices. Prince Karam Abu Kassab, Qatar’s Assistant Minister of Transport, reflected the anguish felt by many protesters: “I had to let two of my longest serving concubines go. If US crude oil drops below $46.00 a barrel, the bank will foreclose on...

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want

The upcoming embargo of the Eastern Mediterranean party country (also known as Israel) has been wrecked from the start by a lack of things they would actually ever want. The call by professional despot groupie George Galloway for the Northern English city to become “Israel Free” has been greeted by widespread shoulder shrugging and excessive “huh’s?” across the sun drenched Jewish homeland. Aging amateur lounge lizard Tomer Kaplan remarked, “Bradford? That’s the place where they let the fat chicks into...

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Restored diplomatic ties in the Gulf have allowed Qatar to put in a delicate request for aid with neighbour the UAE The Mideast Beast has learnt. Speaking on condition of anonymity a high-ranking Qatari official told TMB that the country was requesting aid in securing an important service for the upcoming Soccer World Cup. “After a ‘lessons learned’ briefing from officials that attended the world cup in Brazil we have recognised that the oldest profession in the world is integral to the...

Autobots and Decepticons Praise OPEC Decision Not To Artificially Raise Price of Oil

Autobots and Decepticons Praise OPEC Decision Not To Artificially Raise Price of Oil

In a rare instance of fraternity, this week the Autobots and the Decepticons issued a joint statement expressing joy at the decision by the oil titan, OPEC, not to reduce production in order to raise oil prices. The two groups are normally known to be bitter rivals, but decided to issue the statement as a unified group due to its importance. The announcement made known that the two groups, “… as former citizens of the planet Cybertron would like to...

ISIS Downs Squadron of My Little Ponies

ISIS Downs Squadron of My Little Ponies

In another demonstration of their growing military prowess, ISIS today announced that their fighters had successfully downed part of a My Little Pony Squadron invading their territory. “Allah be praised, our rockets struck home!” declared spokesman Ive ibn Drinkin. “The sky rained blood and brightly colored fur. Glory to the All-mighty.” Early reports agreed that Merry May and Cloud Chaser were among the casualties. Others said Twilight Sparkle was among the dead, though those could not be confirmed. Beloved pony,...

The Mideast Beast Staff in Hiding

The Mideast Beast Staff in Hiding

Dear Readers, I, together with the rest of The Mideast Beast staff, write from beneath the Israeli-Gazan border. Following the attack on satirical French weekly Charlie Hebdo, us satirists have been placed in an uncomfortable position (not that we mind, that’s kind of our bag, if we are to be slaughtered for saying what needs to be said, do we have the balls big enough to say it? While this debate raged publicly, we’ve formulated a plan, to flee underground and...

“Excusez-moi” Chant Jewish Ghosts Marching in Paris

“Excusez-moi” Chant Jewish Ghosts Marching in Paris

In the wake of the outpouring of grief and horror at the murders carried out against the staff of Charlie Hebdo, several ghosts of Jewish terror victims were seen marching down Paris’s Champs-Elysees. The march started quite small. “We are really pretty used to being ignored,” observed the ghost of Rabbi Jonathan Sandler as he walked hand in hand with the ghosts of his sons, Aryeh age 6 and Gabriel age 3 and their friend eight year-old Miriam all killed...

Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit

Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit

Hamas’s condemnation of the attack on the French satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo’s offices is itself a warped attempt at satire, The Mideast Beast reports. “With Qatar evicting [Hamas political leader] Khaled Mashal, we’re on the market for a new kingdom. Hamas is thus aligning itself with Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin and the Pope, all of whom have come out in strong support of the victims of the Charlie Hebdo shootings,” Hamas Senior Advisor Karim bin Abu Radisson declared Monday. RELATED: After Removing Hamas...

Rumored Yair Lapid-Mila Kunis-Cthulhu Merger Tops Polls

Rumored Yair Lapid-Mila Kunis-Cthulhu Merger Tops Polls

In ongoing Israeli election ‘merger fever’, a new poll shows that the rumored Yair Lapid-Mila Kunnis-Cthulhu list dominating if the election were held today, taking an amazing 45 Parliamentary seats. “It is certainly an interesting shiduch, that means ‘matchmaking’ for our Goyim audience by the way, wrote Israeli Commentator Bud Insky.” “Cthulhu obviously brings prestige and a security pedigree in these difficult times. I mean, Iran and the UN have tentacles but nothing compared to The Many Dreaded Darkness. And...