Iranian Regime Criminalizes Annoying Habits

Iranian Regime Criminalizes Annoying Habits

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Thursday that his office had drafted a law to ban annoying habits ruled to be ‘anti-revolutionary’ by the country’s ruling mullahs. “When I’m at mosque praying with all my heart for the destruction of the corrupt Zionist regime, there’s nothing more nerve-wracking than when some putz bowing next to me starts chewing gum,” remarked Iranian government spokesman Arvin Shahidi. Gum chewing, farting and sneezing without covering one’s face are three of the 72 human...

Special Report: Netanyahu to seek political asylum in the U.S.

Special Report: Netanyahu to seek political asylum in the U.S.

Following his decision last week to dissolve the government, leading to new elections in March 2015, Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu has applied for political asylum in the United States. Bibi, who last week accused the Finance Minister of an attempted coup, now says he is no longer safe in Israel. “Look, you’re not paranoid if people are out to get you,” Netanyahu noted. “I’ve managed to piss off all 120 Members of Parliament and eight million Israeli citizens, give...

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Following weeks of dropped calls and slow Internet access, as well as several failed attempts at acquiring the latest iPhone 6, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has called off the establishment of an Islamic State due to poor cellphone reception near the Syrian-Iraqi border. “In my haste to establish a safe haven for jihadists and a model society living under the banner of Islam, I overlooked the most important condition needed to return to the greatness of the Prophet’s time;...

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

It’s election time in Israel again, and Benjamin Netanyahu is hoping to replicate the recent US elections, where only a third of the electorate participated. Netanyahu’s political advisors are white boarding strategies to replicate the same voter apathy in Israel, an apparent silver-bullet for winning elections for conservatives. “We currently get about 70% voter participation,” Netanyahu said. “That’s way too high. Israel attracts voters from across the political spectrum, and that’s our problem. Most Americans seem to have just given...

Arab League Decree: Israelis Do Not Exist

Arab League Decree: Israelis Do Not Exist

In a bizarre twist today the Arab League voted almost unanimously to extend their ‘Israel does not exist’ policy beyond the government. In a statement to the press earlier today the League stated, “If Israel doesn’t exist, then it follows logically that people from there don’t exist either. We will return to business with this conclusion in mind.” This decision doesn’t come without some uncomfortable consequences, as the Israeli Ambassador to the United Nations shared several hours after the decision was...

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher was accidentally nominated U.S. Secretary of Defense yesterday as the result of a White House back-office mistake. The nomination was supposed to go to Pentagon veteran Ashton Carter, but a low-level white house intern added Kutcher’s name instead. “What kind of parents name their kid Ashton?” the intern asked. “Who would’ve thought there were actually two Ashtons in the world, let a lone one serious enough to run the Department of Defense.” Republicans jumped on the announcement, with...

ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative

ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative

The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Israeli Daily, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognised the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be really honest, things have deteriorated somewhat from when we invented ‘zero’”. “We are particularly interested in the practical applications of science...

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

While violent protests continue to flare up on the Temple Mount, 20 metres below in the Western Wall Tunnels, a secret group of Jews and Palestinians are engaging in late night candle lit tantric sex rites, while all of the really angry people are fast asleep. Emanuel Metuach, the controversial leader of the group, explained in an ecstatic voice; “Here we are uniting Jehova and Allah, into Jehovallah, and this is the name we call out when we climax, though...

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

In response to the ongoing series of protests and civil disorder the United Nations has drafted a resolution acknowledging the sovereignty of Ferguson, Missouri. “We used to kick ass and take names. But over the last few months, the United Nations has become like the smart, quiet chick in high school. Lots to say but no one’s listening since she’s not screwing the quarterback,” UN Spokesperson Hans Rapp stated in response to the quickly drafted declaration of Ferguson’s independence. RELATED: Mel Gibson Appointed...

Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert

Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert

Hard partying senior level diplomats in Vienna have brought the Iranian nuclear talks to a screeching halt. An outbreak of laryngitis has been diagnosed as causing the sudden derailment of negotiations over Iran’s atomic ambitions. On Saturday night, British Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond and French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius were seen slam dancing during ’80s night at Fledermaus, one of Vienna’s hottest nightclubs. Fabius was last heard yelling “Hey Phil, wake me up before you go-go!” before passing out in...

‘Silent intifada’ stems from ‘micro-penis’ complex

‘Silent intifada’ stems from ‘micro-penis’ complex

A recent study from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem has found that the ongoing ‘silent Intifada’ is a direct result of Palestinian leaders’ so-called ‘micro-penis complex’. The study’s head researcher Dr. Avi Cohen explained; “There is nothing more phallic than terror attacks, you know, apart from actual penises. Stabbing at something and exploding onto or into people are both highly sexually symbolic. We would assume someone commanding others to commit these sorts of attacks in such volume is obviously overcompensating...

Netanyahu Proposes Compromise Bill Declaring “Israel the Nation State of Falafel”

Netanyahu Proposes Compromise Bill Declaring “Israel the Nation State of Falafel”

Following the row in his coalition around the ‘Jewish State Bill’ that would have placed Israel’s status as a Jewish State ahead of its commitment to democracy, Prime Minister Netanyahu hoped to lessen tensions with a Bill making Israel the Nation State of Falafel.  “Falafel is the national food of Israel and of the Jewish people.  It is our unifying symbol, and it’s delicious.  Let all Israelis stand with me in support of fried balls as the heritage of the...

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

A rumored Snowden leak details the Ferguson Police Department’s inability to actually carry out the whole policing thing, and points out that they are drawing tactical inspiration from ISIS to handle the situation because “they just can’t deal.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast’s Chris Peacock, the Ferguson Chief of Police stated, “This just got out of hand really quickly; one moment we were carrying out low level racial profiling, the next we’re knee deep in a ‘Southern Fried Intifada’. The...

UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”

UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”

On the heels of declaring her kneidlach a “violation of the Convention Against Landmines” and her homemade pickles as “barely skirting the biological weapons ban,” The Human Rights Council voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to declare Bubbie’s brisket a “war crime.” Council President Baudelaire Ndong Ella of Gabon made the announcement declaring that “the time had come. The Council cannot sit idle in the face of such tragic destruction of otherwise perfectly edible meat. We felt compelled to act.” Israeli Prime Minister...

Russell Brand: “Freedom for Oompa Loompas!”

Russell Brand: “Freedom for Oompa Loompas!”

Russell Brand has revealed that his new ’cause celebre’ will be to end the exploitation of Oompa Loompas by the confectionery industry likening it to his struggle for justice for the Palestinian people. Brand took up the cause after watching the late night documentary, ‘Charlie and the ‎Chocolate Factory’. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily Brand said, “I suddenly saw this thing on TV and thought that’s just not on, all that working and chocolate eating. It’s like when I...

Major BDS Victory: Texas Town Changes Name from ‘Hebron’ to ‘Palestine’

Major BDS Victory: Texas Town Changes Name from ‘Hebron’ to ‘Palestine’

Hebron, Texas has changed its name to ‘Palestine’ following pressure from an international campaign to boycott the town and steal the hubcaps off its residents’ Ford pickup trucks. Sammy Sarraf, a spokesperson for the Free Palestine Boycott, Divestment and Sanction Movement (BDS), told The Israeli Daily that the decision of Hebron, located in Collin and Denton counties with a population of 415, “shows that the BDS movement is increasingly capable of holding criminals to account for their participation in Israeli apartheid and...

Hamas to Be the First to Explore New Galaxy

Hamas to Be the First to Explore New Galaxy

Rockets captured by Israeli forces during last summer’s war with Gaza will soon be headed to a galaxy far, far away. Engineers at one Israeli aerospace corporation have found a way to combine thousands of Hamas rockets to launch a new spacecraft to explore the Andromeda Galaxy. “It’s a scientific breakthrough”, said David Dudu, the CEO of the aerospace corporation. It is also a bold move, as our closest spiral neighbor is just over 2 million light years away. The spacecraft will travel at the...

Conservative Rabbi Converting Every Thing He Sees

Conservative Rabbi Converting Every Thing He Sees

In a scene which aroused smug smiles from the Orthodox Rabbinate and shock and horror from his colleagues, Rabbi Louis Bluck of Ft. Lauderdale’s Congregation Beit Hazerie was seen converting any gentile on which he could lay hands. “I was just coming out after a nosh,” reported witness Herb Rappaport. “And there’s Rabbi Bluck on Sterling Place converting this Latin kid sweeping the street. He sprinkles some water on the kid and screams ‘you’re Jewish!’ Then he turns and grabs...

ISIS Super Excited about the iPhone 6

ISIS Super Excited about the iPhone 6

In the weeks after the iPhone 6® launch, ISIS militants are super-excited about using the new technology. “It’s such a beautiful phone! ” exclaimed an ISIS militant getting into his Jeep®. “The camera quality on the iPhone 6® is unmatched! We can record an HD video of one of our head-removing sessions, and immediately upload it onto YouTube®, Facebook®, and Twitter® in a matter of seconds, greatly increasing our efficiency, and aiding in our fight against everything the West stands for.”...

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

In a regrettable distraction from their coverage of Kim Kardashian’s booty size, CNN has been forced into numerous rewrites of a headline for their story on the murder of several Jews in Jerusalem. “Deadly attack on a Jerusalem Mosque” read the original headline, only to be followed by another beauty of a screwed up headline, “4 Israelis, 2 Palestinians killed in Synagogue attack,” omitting the small but salient fact that the two Palestinians were the putzes doing the killing. Following a...