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ISIS Advice To NRA: ‘Semi-Automatic Rifles Not Enough to Overthrow American Tyrant”
In an open letter to NRA President Wayne LaPierre, top ISIS leadership has expressed concern that AR-15s may not be enough to defend average Americans from the threat of tyrannical government. It reads in part: “Hi man, al-Baghdadi here. Just wanted to take some time out from running the caliphate to hit you with some truth bombs. I hope they...
Trump Rushes into Iraq Unarmed, Destroys ISIS
Backing up his claim that he would have stopped the Parkland high school shooter, US President Donald Trump has charged unarmed into Syria and put an end to ISIS, saving countless lives. Calling civilians who fled their homes rather than fight the terror group “disgraceful,” Trump immediately left the Oval Office and boarded a plane for Iraq, parachuting into ISIS’s...
Trump Declares War on Wakanda
President Donald Trump has announced that he plans on “invading and securing Wakanda” in the coming weeks. In a speech, President Trump declared, “Wakanda is part of the global Axis of Evil that includes Iran, North Korea, and people who don’t stand for the national anthem. Unless they surrender, they will be met with fire and fury the likes of...
ISIS to Abandon Jihad and Focus on Preparation for 2022 Olympics
Embarrassed after both Syria and Iraq were shut out in the 2018 Winter Olympics medal count, leaders of the terrorist group announced that the organization will be taking a four-year break from jihad to improve its showing in the 2022 Olympics. “For the past four years, we have been so focused on purging the Levant of infidels that we have...
Gulf State Arabs Unimpressed by Israeli “Corruption”
A survey conducted by The Mideast Beast of Arabs living in the Gulf states has revealed that they are not impressed by what passes for corruption in Israel. This follows ongoing (and ongoing, and ongoing) investigations into allegations of corruption on the part of Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. While the charges are deemed scandalous in Israel, neighboring countries and...
Iceland Defends Circumcision Bill: “We Need Foreskins to Keep Ourselves Warm”
Officials from the Icelandic parliament defended the country’s new circumcision legislation this week, claiming that the bill banning the practice is not in any way anti-religious, but rather is an effort to ensure the Icelandic people have foreskins to protect them from the frigid North-Atlantic winds. Addressing the Muslims and Jews who expressed indignation at the bill, one parliament member...
Syrian Government Confesses: Whole Conflict Played Out by ‘Crisis Actors’
A Syrian government official has admitted to The Mideast Beast that the war that has appeared to be raging since 2011 has in fact been elaborately staged to put Syria ‘front of mind’ and perhaps even get an Olympics Games nod for 2028. The official commented, “We don’t think we can carry on the delusion any longer as Alex Jones...
Assad Considers Banning AR-15
Saying that he could only stomach so much violence, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly considering banning assault rifles like the AR-15. “After seeing students gunned down at school in Florida, I feel I must take action to prevent our own children from being harmed,” Assad told The Mideast Beast. “I mean, yes, I do occasionally drop cluster bombs, barrel...
Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa against Ball Shaving
TEHRAN – Responding to what he termed “the alarming trend of homosexualization” sweeping Iran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has outlawed male genital grooming. Blaming “western cultural imperialism” for the growing popularity of ‘manscaping’ in the Islamic Republic, Ali Khamenei announced the fatwa at a recent meeting of senior Shi’ite clergy in the holy city of Qom: “Allah made your...
World Ready to Pretend to Care About Syria Again
The world has collectively decided it is once again ready to pretend to care about the abysmal situation faced by the Syrian people. A reporter from CNN explained, “We actually used to do a really good job of pretending to care about Syrian refugees and dead children, but recently we’ve been slacking. It’s tough, you know? Remember the 90’s? Those...
NRA Asks Yemen for Tips on Increasing Mass Shootings
With the US ranking second in the world in mass shootings per capita, the National Rifle Association has sent a delegation to Yemen to find out how to move into the top spot. “When it comes to gun ownership and violence, there is a lot that we can learn from Yemen,” said NRA chief executive Wayne LaPierre. “The United States...
Macy’s Moves Headquarters to Iran
Macy’s department store has announced that it will be moving its headquarters to the Islamic Republic of Iran next month, following controversy sparked by its decision to sell hijabs. “The Iranian government has paid us a generous grant to relocate and open up stores in every major city,” a Macy’s spokesperson said. “Originally, we’d simply intended to cater to an...
Messianic Jews Thank Trump for Bringing Us Closer to the ‘End of Days’
Still encouraged by the US withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accords, several Messianic Jews have thanked Trump for partaking in what they called “the promotion of the destruction of planet Earth, thus bringing us ever closer to the biblically prophesied ‘End of Days’.” “We firmly believe that covfefe is code for covenant, and that Donald Trump is in fact a...
Israel to Move Its Embassy from Washington to Mar-A-Lago
In a reciprocal gesture following the US president’s decision to move its embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that his own country’s US embassy will be moved from Washington DC to Mar-a-Lago. The move will bring Israeli diplomats closer to Donald Trump’s “Winter White House,” a Trump-owned Florida resort where the president enjoys meeting with...
ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys
RAQQA, SYRIA — Feeling uncertain about the brutal torture, sex slavery, and ethnic cleansing, ISIS fighter Ahmed al-Mustafa has been wondering if maybe they’re not the good guys. “You know, I came here like everybody else to follow the path of Jihad and fight the infidels,” he remarked. “On Facebook, everything seemed totally great. Good friends, adventure, women, you name...
UN Sends Trudeau to Syria to Halt Misgendering
With the conflict in war-torn Syria escalating, the United Nations has appointed Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as a special envoy to combat gender-exclusionary language in the country. “Years of bombing, torture, and chemical warfare have tragically led some participants in the Syrian Civil War to turn to words that alienate whole groups of people based on their race, sex,...
Fight the Power: Help TMB Overcome Facebook’s “Screw You” Update to News Feeds
So… TMB is able to survive and flourish thanks, in a huge way, to our fantastic and loyal Facebook followers (that’s YOU!!). The wise-owls at Facebook decided a couple of weeks ago to completely change the way they decide if people see posts from Pages that they follow. Sadly, this change is a big issue for content providers, like us....
Trump Furious at His Low Ranking in Threat to World Peace
WASHINGTON D.C. — Donald Trump has reacted with fury at being rated as an equal threat to world peace as the rise of jihadi terrorism, in an Economist Intelligence Unit report. In a statement to the press he said; “I’ve always been a winner, just like America, and I won’t accept equal place with a bunch of guys that frankly...
ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities
After years of unsuccessful efforts to cause widespread devastation in the American homeland, ISIS leaders are turning towards fans of the Philadelphia Eagles for advice on how to destroy an American city. “When I turned on the TV and saw shattered glass, overturned cars and people rioting in the streets, I assumed one of our martyrs had carried out a...
Syrian Government Responds to Rebel-Held Swimming Pool Crisis
In a promising move towards peace in a troubled region the Syrian Government today airdropped relief chemicals to make rebel-held swimming pools safe to use. A spokesman for the government commented, “We may be on different sides of the fence when it comes to who governs this great country, but we are united when it comes to fighting fungal infections...