Assad Considers Banning AR-15

Syrian soldier with assault rifle - By Tech. Sgt. H. H. Deffner [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Saying that he could only stomach so much violence, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly considering banning assault rifles like the AR-15.

“After seeing students gunned down at school in Florida, I feel I must take action to prevent our own children from being harmed,” Assad told The Mideast Beast. “I mean, yes, I do occasionally drop cluster bombs, barrel bombs and gas on Syrian children, but those are terrorist children so they don’t count.”

Assad wasn’t the only Middle Eastern leader moved by the shooting in Parkland, Florida, which killed 17 teachers and students. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the head of ISIS, said he would conduct strict background checks before arming his fighters.

“Before we give someone a deadly weapon and command them to kill, enslave and rape infidels, we will make sure that they do not have any mental health issues,” Baghdadi explained. “We aren’t fucking monsters.”

The announcements won praise from CNN, with commentators calling for such bold leadership in the US. But it was not all good news for Assad, as the National Rifle Association quickly announced plans to back Assad’s challenger in the Baath party primary. Money talks!