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Palestinians Pretty Sure Marching Will Work This Time
Following last week’s “March of Return” in Gaza, Palestinians say they are almost positive that this time marching, burning tires, and throwing rocks will pressure Israel to concede to their demands. One protester explained, “Both my father and grandfather marched and threw rocks before me, and I proudly carry on this 70-year tradition. But, I am happy to say that...
Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect
The Drone Pilot Lobby has announced that it is initiating a $20 million-dollar lawsuit against the U.S. Department of Defense. The plaintiffs claim that the DoD “failed to adequately address pilots’ suffering arising from carpal tunnel syndrome and hostile environments.” One drone pilot explained, “We’re America’s front-line defense against militant groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS, and suspicious looking weddings. People make fun...
Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama
Lamenting that the former first dog did nothing as his owner escalated a campaign of drone strikes and targeted killings, leftist activist Noam Chomsky is calling for Bo Obama to be brought before The Hague for alleged war crimes. “While Barack Obama violated the Geneva Conventions, the 1907 Hague Restrictions and the customary laws of war with his killings of...
IDF Confirms: “We Shoot Kids Just to Keep the Debate Going”
An IDF spokesperson has confirmed that they only use live rounds when they feel things have become a little too comfortable. “We’ve got a friend in the White House who’s one tweet away from leveling Tehran and we’ve ordered all the party food for when they move their embassy to Jerusalem. But to be frank all that good news leaves...
Jesus Still a Little Cross with Dad
During a recent interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus opened up about his tumultuous relationship with his temperamental father. “Dad? We’ve had our ups and downs. I mean, before he brutally sacrificed me to save all humanity, he used to be a huge dick. Remember the flood? Or when he got hammered and convinced Abraham to sacrifice his own son?...
Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules
Once an outspoken anti-Semite and Holocaust denier, former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced plans to return to Judaism after a group of Conservative rabbis overturned an 800-year ban on eating kitniyot, a group of foods that includes rice, beans and legumes, during Passover. “The only reason I converted to Islam in the first place was because I could never go...
British Labour Party Issues Statement: “Let’s Just Agree to Disagree About the Jews”
In an attempt to draw a line under current criticism that the Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn might be just a tiny bit “anti-Jew” the party HQ provided a press release this morning. It read in part: “Look just to be clear we love Jews. We merely have a principled concern with the rights of Palestinians to live in peace on...
Biden Vows to Give Assad a ‘Noogie’
Calling the Syrian strongmen an evil tyrant who desperately needs to be brought to justice, former Vice President Joe Biden has vowed to track down Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and give the Middle Eastern leader a “noogie.” “If we were back in high school, I would find that sucker, put him in a headlock and dig my knuckles into his...
Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling
North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and United States President Donald Trump are reportedly to begin Non-Violent Communication Therapy. Donald Trump has tweeted, “Nobody does non-violent communication better than me. We are going to break down the biggest walls!! #MAGA” A spokesperson for the North Korean regime corroborated the story, stating that “Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will engage imperialist leader...
UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”
UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, announced that the United Nations will assert its authority over the Middle East by declaring the region a “gun-free zone.” The announcement, effective immediately, intends to address the threat posed by armed groups, militias, rogue governments, terror cells, criminal networks, Israeli settlers, Israeli Merkava 3’s, Israeli Merkava 4’s, Israeli F-15’s, Israeli F-16’s, Mossad hybrid attack dolphins,...
Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal
Sources within Mossad, Israel’s national intelligence agency, have confirmed to The Mideast Beast that it has better things to worry about than Britain’s Leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, and that on balance he isn’t the biggest existential threat to the State of Israel. “Iran continues to race towards possession of nuclear weapons, ISIS is still around, and the Syrian army continues taking...
Middle East Breathes Sigh of Relief as Trump Concentrates on China
The region voted most likely to bring about The End of Days since 1948 breathed easy the other day as President Trump pivoted his Twitter diplomacy in an Asian direction. A Saudi diplomat commented, “For a moment there we thought he was going to start giving us some grief over the oil prices or the cluster fuck of the month that is...
Syrian President Offers to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence
Over the weekend, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reached out to the Trump administration offering to help with the rising gun violence in Chicago. “You know, I have a great deal of experience dealing with armed gangs and civil unrest,” President Assad said to reporters. “Our so-called ‘Free Syrian Army’ isn’t so different from your Almighty Gaylords.” The White House Press...
Middle Eastern Observers Certify Russian Elections
Russian President Vladimir Putin’s landslide re-election complied with international standards, according to election monitors from across the Middle East. “In polling stations throughout the country, Russian voters were free to cast their ballots without fear of intimidation or retribution,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad said in a statement. “Votes were counted thoroughly and accurately by disinterested parties, and the results reflect...
Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran
In a bold move made in response to President Trump’s upcoming meeting with the North Korean dictator, former Secretary of State John Kerry has demanded Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un turn over all its nuclear weapons to the Islamic Republic of Iran. “If Rocket Man is serious about avoiding war with America, he is going to have to turn over all...
Trump Hides Stormy Daniels Non-Disclosure Agreement in Mideast Peace Plan
Looking to make sure that the document detailing his affair with the porn star never sees the light of day, US President Donald Trump has hidden his “hush agreement” with Stormy Daniels in his Mideast peace proposal. Trump has been searching for ways to release the non-disclosure agreement without anybody noticing. Given low expectations for his Mideast peace proposal, he...
NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says
Taking the unusual step of defending its sworn enemy, the Islamic Republic of Iran has called a fairly recent NRA advertisement that’s still making the rounds, “a bit dark” for its dystopic portrayal of the United States. “Listen, we eagerly await the destruction of the Great Satan as much as anybody, and we believe America is the cause of all the world’s...
Cyrus the Great Rises From Dead to Protest Trump Comparison
The late King Cyrus of biblical Persia rose from the dead on Thursday in order to protest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s “audacious and appalling” comparison between himself and US President Donald Trump. Cyrus the Great, known to Trump as “Cyrus the Greatly,” lifted his 2,500-year-old corpse out of its resting place in Pasargadae and addressed humanity: “Hear ye, hear...
CIA to Change All Middle Eastern Codenames to “Mohammad”
Following news that Donald Trump shared highly sensitive intel with the Russian ambassador and Russian foreign minister, the CIA has taken emergency steps to protects its assets in the Middle East. Documents leaked this morning via the President’s twitter account show that as of 4 am, all CIA assets in the Middle East were re-assigned the codename ‘Mohammad’. A CIA...
UN Establishes an Agency for Refugees of the Conquest of Canaan
Following the recommendation of the UN Commission on Human Rights, the General Assembly of the UN has voted to establish and fund another worthless agency – UNARCO – the United Nations Agency for Refugees of Canaanite Oppression. The agency will provide welfare, education and political support to members of the Kenite, Kenizzite, Kadmonite, Hittite, Perizzite, Rephaim, Amorite, Edomite, Girgashite, and...