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Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East
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Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East

Washington D.C. — New leaks from the White House have revealed that the Trump Administration is fed up with generals who have strong understandings of the cultural, political, and historical nuances of the Middle East. One staffer (who wished to remain anonymous) told reporters, “President Trump is furious because Secretary of Defense Mattis told him that ‘Operation Turn Baghdad into...

New ISIS Recruits Shocked to Discover Fellow Jihadists Aren’t Very Friendly

New ISIS Recruits Shocked to Discover Fellow Jihadists Aren’t Very Friendly

Fresh faced ISIS recruits arrived in Syria last week, eagerly awaiting what is sure to be an adventure of a lifetime, pillaging towns, murdering civilians who don’t meet an arbitrary definition of what it means to be Muslim, and of course building bonds and brotherhood with fellow ISIS fighters. As the new recruits joined the ranks, however, some started having...

Israel Tells Turkey, “You Went Full Hitler, You Never Go Full Hitler”

Israel Tells Turkey, “You Went Full Hitler, You Never Go Full Hitler”

Israel has rebuked Turkey for going “Full Hitler” way too early into an argument the two were conducting early Saturday evening. The disagreement started, as it often has, over something Israel said it had heard Syria say about Turkey behind its back. “It was just your standard smack talk. You know, if you come over my border again I’m going...

Elon Musk Lashes Out at Human Rights Groups For Ridiculing His Two-State Solution Submarine
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Elon Musk Lashes Out at Human Rights Groups For Ridiculing His Two-State Solution Submarine

Elon Musk, desperate to find a use for his newly constructed submarine which Thailand’s divers declined to use for their daring rescue mission, has invited further ridicule for his suggestion that his invention could be used to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. “Some say that PR stunts and loads of money being thrown at expensive toys can’t solve everything”, the billionaire...

ISIS Leader Fired After Decade-Old Reasonable Tweets Resurface

ISIS Leader Fired After Decade-Old Reasonable Tweets Resurface

The Islamic State’s board of directors has fired Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi after past tweets surfaced in which the cleric used reasonable language to make sensible proposals. “Good move by @alQaeda attacking Jews&Westerners first and leaving Shiites 4 later,” one 2009 Tweet read. “2 declare Caliphate and try to kill every1 immediately=very stupid.” Another offensive tweet, this one from 2008,...

ISIS Leader to Trump: ‘Stop Calling Me with Nuclear Codes’

ISIS Leader to Trump: ‘Stop Calling Me with Nuclear Codes’

Saying that he just could not deal with the constant phone calls, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has asked US President Donald Trump to stop calling him at all hours of the night to discuss US state secrets. “At first, I thought it was a tremendous victory that the head of the infidels would call me, unprompted, and tell me...

Mossad to Train Russia on Making Assets Less Obvious

Mossad to Train Russia on Making Assets Less Obvious

Insisting that Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Service – the successor to the KGB – must do a better job of disguising its assets, Israel’s Mossad has invited the agency’s leadership to Tel Aviv for a one-on-one seminar in how to train recruits. “The SVR has done a tremendous job of finding high-level assets in influential nations and bringing them fully on...

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

Previously united in their desire to forge a new Caliphate establishing their vision of ‘pure Islam’, ISIS has descended into acrimony over the contentious issue of ‘hair management’ in women’s nether regions. “The war with the infidel must be fought on every front,” declared Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, “even the awrah (Arabic for ‘hooha’) of the righteous. Do not succumb...

Hamas Bans Plastic Bags
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Hamas Bans Plastic Bags

Not to be outdone by their North African counterparts, Hamas has declared a ban on plastic bags in the Gaza Strip. “We believe that this activism in the Gaza strip will help to alleviate the environmental impact of 70 years of burning tires and corn fields in occupied Palestine. We follow in the footsteps of the world leaders who made...

PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists
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PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists

The Israeli parliament’s decision to bring forward legislation to financially penalize the Palestinian Authority by the amount they pay out to families of terrorists, has led to a call for compromise by the West Bank leadership. “We get it, honestly. We understand why the Israelis might be a bit pissed with us for dishing out dollars to encourage more stabbings”,...

Democrats Urge Trump to Nominate ISIS Leader Instead of Kavanaugh

Democrats Urge Trump to Nominate ISIS Leader Instead of Kavanaugh

Noting that nobody could be more radical than Trump’s pick for the seat, Senate Democrats are urging the US president to replace Brett Cavanaugh with ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “I demand that President Trump withdraw his pick immediately and appoint a moderate, like [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad or al-Baghdadi,” Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters said after Trump’s pick was announced....

Slamming Trump, ISIS Signs Up to Paris Climate Agreement

Slamming Trump, ISIS Signs Up to Paris Climate Agreement

ISIS signed up to the Paris Climate Agreement yesterday whilst at the same time criticizing the United States which, following an executive order issued by President Trump, withdrew from the accords. “We recognize that planet earth belongs to all our children and that it is our global responsibility to look after it”, the Islamic terror group said in a statement....

In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’
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In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again claimed victory at the polls, this time declaring himself winner of the 2018 American Idol competition. “I am humbled and gratified that the voters of this competition have chosen to reward me for my talents,” Erdogan said at a rally in Ankara, the Turkish capital. “This is a win for Turkey and...

Trump, Netanyahu to Reaffirm Shared Values of Racism, Corruption & Nepotism

Trump, Netanyahu to Reaffirm Shared Values of Racism, Corruption & Nepotism

U.S. President Donald J. Trump and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu are scheduled to meet next month in Manila at a summit billed ‘Great Leaders Celebrating Great Common Values’. According to a statement issued by the White House, “President Trump and Prime Minister Netanyahu, along with other great world leaders, will participate in a two-day summit that will celebrate our...

Khamenei Turns Down SCOTUS Seat: ‘I Don’t Want That Much Power’

Khamenei Turns Down SCOTUS Seat: ‘I Don’t Want That Much Power’

Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has turned down Donald Trump’s offer for a soon-to-be-vacant seat on the US Supreme Court, calling the position “too much power for one man.” “I may be a dictator, but at least I’m checked by the threat of Western intervention or a military coup,” Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “If I took Kennedy’s seat, I’d be...

Middle East Dictators Conclude They’re “Definitely the Bad Guys” At Conference

Middle East Dictators Conclude They’re “Definitely the Bad Guys” At Conference

In a world of constantly changing geopolitical alliances it can be hard to keep up with key issues. A particularly vital one being who’s truly awful as opposed to simply annoying; who’s more ‘North Korea’ than ‘Luxembourg’, if you will. Seeking reassurance, the dictators of the Middle East convened for a conference. Syrian President Assad opened the proceedings, saying that...