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Hamas Transgender Queen Wins Eurovision with” We Will, We Will Rocket You”
The Hamas transgender queen Latiffah Jihad surprisingly won the Eurovision song contest with the romantic hit “We will rocket you.” A visibly moved and slightly drug intoxicated Jihad, thanked her fans and supporters from a Dutch halal coffeeshop. “Good evening Europe! Salam Aleikum Eurabia! Thank you for supporting Gaza and choosing rocket love over racist Zionist rocket phobia. I want...
Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes
In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine, a token humanitarian gesture to Gaza for adhering to the current ceasefire. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and...
IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’
JERUSALEM — In the latest attempt to prevent any further fighting between Gaza and Israel, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) has been authorized to conduct ‘Operation Dictionary’. Guaranteed to delight definition-loving Hamas and Islamic Jihad fighters, The Mideast Beast has learned that Israeli forces will begin carpet bombing the areas with the books starting 07:00 Friday morning. Each specially designed...
Hamas Joins Netanyahu’s Ceasefire Unity Government
Hamas has surprisingly decided to join Netanyahu’s ceasefire unity government after eleven days of tense disagreements and heated debates involving some 4,000 rockets and intense Gaza bombings. In exchange for complete freedom from adult intervention in their militant Gaza playroom, Hamas has agreed to back Netanyahu politically until 2030. Prime Minister Netanyahu’s office released an official statement: “Sometimes you need...
New Trump Tower Set to Open in Red-Hot Sheikh Jarrah Neighborhood
Calling it the hottest real estate on the planet, former US president Donald Trump said that he plans to build a new Trump Tower high-rise in East Jerusalem’s Sheikh Jarrah neighborhood. Trump said that he decided to buy the prime real estate after hearing that Jews and Arabs were fighting on the streets for control of a four-family house in...
Russia to Israel: Civilian Casualties Unacceptable Outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria
In response to the Gaza conflict, Russia’s Foreign Ministry has warned the Israeli Ambassador in Moscow that further “civilian casualties are unacceptable outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria.” The senior Russian official Nikolaj Migchik blasted Israel’s “excessive” military operations in Gaza. “I’m shocked. More than 200 people have been killed in Gaza, mostly innocent masked children in their 20s with Kalashnikovs...
UN Condemns Israeli Farmers for Damaging Gaza Terror Balloons
The United Nations General Assembly issued a resolution Tuesday condemning Israeli farmers for damaging Palestinian incendiary balloons (or ‘terror balloons’), which Gazan militants have been sending over the border – along with the occasional rocket salvo – into southern Israel, causing millions of dollars in damages to Israel’s agricultural economy. According to the United Nations, the balloons are sometimes damaged...
After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza
The State of Israel has surprisingly decided to build terror tunnels into the Gaza Strip. The unconventional decision by Jerusalem comes after the British government urged Israel to ensure “proportionality” in its military actions in Gaza. “Israel must make every effort to avoid civilian casualties and military activity must be proportionate,” said the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s spokesman Max...
Cuomo Receives $5 Million Advance for Book on Dating Younger Coworkers
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has inked yet another major book deal, this one for an upcoming title called ‘Lessons in Courtship: How to Find Love in the Intern Lounge at the Governor’s Mansion.’ The book will recount Cuomo’s great success in charming his staffers and winning their romantic affections without creating a hostile workplace. “For those looking to run...
Jerusalem Files for Parental Emancipation
In a busy week for Middle Eastern family courts the city of Jerusalem has called for emancipation from its parents, Judaism and Islam, as well as from its weird uncle, Evangelicalism. After years of trying to negotiate peace between its parents, including a difficult period when it was passed into foster homes run by the Ottomans and the British, Jerusalem...
Iranian State Media Set to Win Pulitzer for Israel-Gaza War Coverage
Press TV, Iran’s state-run media arm, looks to be the big winner at next month’s 2021 Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, with multiple honors for its coverage of the 2021 Israel-Gaza War. The award for investigative reporting is set to go to the network for its account of Israel’s attempt to take down a commercial airplane leaving Gaza City by releasing...
Hamas Admits They Never Understood What “Ceasefire” Actually Means
In the wake of Israel-Hamas ceasefire talks, Hamas has admitted that they never really understood the definition of ‘ceasefire’. “We always thought that it meant ‘say you’ll stop but carry on launching rockets as usual'”, one spokesman for the Gaza-based Islamist group admitted. “You see, we weren’t really paying attention in the first negotiation meeting years ago and we’ve been...
After Removing Hamas from Terror List, EU Decides to Stop Calling Projectiles from Gaza ‘Rockets’
Following its decision to remove the Islamist militant group Hamas from its list of terrorist organizations, a top court of the European Union will now meet to decide what to call the aerial projectiles launched from the Gaza Strip at Israeli cities. While Sweden has proposed calling the projectiles, previously known as missiles or rockets, ‘aeronautic modern art,’ Spain has suggested they...
After 17 Years Underground, Cicadas Eager to Hear How Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Was Resolved
Ready to finally emerge after 17 years underground, Brood X cicadas are excited to finally learn how the longstanding conflict between Jews and Muslims in the Middle East turned out. “When we last went underground in 2004, things were lit between the Israelis and Palestinians, literally,” one Brood X cicada told The Mideast Beast. “We were really sorry to just...
CNN Criticizes Iron Dome Attacks Against ‘Mostly Peaceful Rockets’
Accusing Israel’s missile defense system of unprovoked aggression, CNN has come out against Iron Dome’s violent attacks on “mostly peaceful rockets” fired by Hamas from the Gaza Strip. Noting that the vast majority of the hundreds of rockets launched at Israeli towns and cities landed uneventfully in empty fields, CNN anchor Don Lemon pointed out that the Iron Dome batteries...
Ahmadinejad to Host SNL after Outcry over Musk Appearance
Looking to appease cast members traumatized by Tesla CEO Elon Musk’s appearance as guest host, Saturday Night Live has invited former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to host next week’s episode. The actors had demanded SNL producer Lorne Michaels bring on a committed progressive to make up for bringing Musk, who has refused to list his preferred pronouns in his Twitter...
Stacey Abrams Declares Self Israeli Prime Minister
With Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu failing to form his right-wing government, former Georgia state legislator Stacey Abrams has declared herself the new premiere and has started to form her cabinet. Abrams, who was not on any ballot and has never been to Israel, insisted that she would have been unanimously elected if not for blatant voter suppression. “These Israelis...
US Supreme Court to Decide Where Jerusalem Is
JERUSALEM — Officials in Jerusalem say the city is in the midst of an existential crisis. Not because of former US President Trump’s decision to move the US embassy, or the recent violent clashes in the Old City over the weekend, or the crazy foreigners who dress like Jesus and roam the streets. Rather, they found out that it will...
Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide
Following President Biden’s recognition and condemnation of the 100-year-old genocide, former US President Donald Trump took to the internet to insist that there were “good people on both sides” of the Armenian genocide. “Listen, there were some very good Ottomans and there were some very bad Ottomans, believe me,” Trump wrote on his new website. “Not all the Ottomans who...
CIA Announces It Will Fight Terrorists with Hashtags Instead of Drone Strikes
After releasing a new ad highlighting the agency’s progressive credentials, the CIA announced that it will no longer target enemies through espionage, drone strikes and assassinations but will instead focus on the battlefield of Twitter with viral hashtags and devastating clapbacks. The change in strategy comes as the agency looks to boost its recruitment among millennials, who are less likely...