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CIA Announces It Will Fight Terrorists with Hashtags Instead of Drone Strikes

After releasing a new ad highlighting the agency’s progressive credentials, the CIA announced that it will no longer target enemies through espionage, drone strikes and assassinations but will instead focus on the battlefield of Twitter with viral hashtags and devastating clapbacks.

The change in strategy comes as the agency looks to boost its recruitment among millennials, who are less likely to have foreign language skills or military experience but display far greater ability to spend hours arguing on the internet with strangers.

“ISIS 👏 SHOULD 👏 STOP 👏 BEHEADING 👏 YAZIDIS” one Tweet issued by the CIA on Thursday read.

Another stated:

“KIM JONG UN SHOULD ACCEPT DEMOCRACY!

KIM JONG UN SHOULD ACCEPT DEMOCRACY!

KIM JONG UN SHOULD ACCEPT DEMOCRACY!

KIM JONG UN SHOULD ACCEPT DEMOCRACY!

KIM JONG UN SHOULD ACCEPT DEMOCRACY!”

The tweets have so far seemed militarily ineffective, as both ISIS and the Taliban regained territory in Syria and Afghanistan, respectively, after blocking the CIA on Twitter. But newly appointed CIA Director Robin DiAngelo says the new strategy is already showing results.

“In its latest execution videos, we have seen members of the Somali terror group Al-Shabaab renounce their cisgender male privilege, while an al Qaeda suicide bomber is believed to have yelled ‘Black Lives Matter!’ before detonating his explosive vest at a kindergarten,” DiAngelo said. “We are finally winning the war on terror.”

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