American forces have once again launched an invasion of Iraq, with the US now looking to return oil to the Middle Eastern nation after prices for crude dropped below zero. The drop in oil demand amid a glut of cheap oil has forced American refiners to pay offtakers to rid them of product. Shortly after US Marines reached Baghdad, American...
With the price of oil in negative territory for the first time in history, Yemen has offered its friendly neighbour a creative storage option. A spokesman commented, “As you can imagine we were devastated to learn that our friends were suffering such hardship, and of course we wanted to help. Now clearly, we couldn’t lend them any money because someone...
Yemen, the ever-innovative fount of radical solutions to serious world problems, is making headlines again, as its Houthi-rebels, who are fighting Yemen’s government, have announced how they intend to fight Covid-19. Yemen recently reported its first case of Coronavirus. The Mideast Beast, eager to learn what the Yemenite rebels from the country of unsurpassed medical and technical innovation would have...
Following years of criticism around the conflict in Yemen, Saudi commanders went on Fox News last night to announce that they were obviously only bombing innocent civilians “ironically.” “Jeez. Nobody can take a joke nowadays.” said army general and frequent sub-reddittor Mohamad bin-Mohamad. “It’s like how holding up a journalist’s head doesn’t actually mean I hate free speech. Bombing the...
Russian President Vladimir Putin has agreed to join an Israeli unity government after Prime Minister Netanyahu promised to annex Syria. The looming threat of a fourth Israeli election in a year has thereby been averted thanks to Putin’s responsible brinkmanship. According to the Putin-Netanyahu deal, Netanyahu will serve as a puppet Prime Minister for the first 18 months with Putin...
Every industry, licit or not, has been profoundly impacted by the coronavirus pandemic. Arms dealers in Yemen and throughout the Arabian Peninsula have even had to change how they go about getting weapons into the hands of terrorists. The Mideast Beast interviewed one successful Saudi weapons mogul, who wished to remain anonymous. Here’s what he had to say. “We all...
The World Health Organization (WHO) has praised North Korea after its supreme leader Kim Jong-un promised that he will “starve COVID-19 to death.” The announcement from the North Korean leader comes at a time when the slightly isolated country has stepped up its fight against the corona pandemic. Kim Jong-un offered an exclusive Zoom interview with The Mideast Beast (TMB),...
In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State has confirmed that there are awards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re...
After suggesting that the United States start using anti-Malaria medication to treat COVID-19 patients, a confident President Donald Trump, excited by the prospect of solving problems with unproven pills, announced plans to end the Syrian civil war by supplying billions of Prozac pills. Trump made his announcement at a White House press briefing, saying that although they are not sure...
The US government is reportedly moving the nation’s diminishing toilet paper reserves to Fort Knox, known by many as ‘the Vault’, famous for its high-level physical security. Locals in Kentucky reported sightings of military vehicles in a miles-long convoy, accompanied by troops from the US Armed Forces, including, by demand of President Trump, detachments from US Space Force. Heading towards...
Benny Gantz placed his bid to become the next Knesset Speaker on Thursday, increasing the likelihood a coalition government with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Now he is already cashing in on the historic about-face. Gantz is going to advise Nobel prize winner-turned-ethnic cleansing enabler, Aung San Suu Kyi, on how to epically disappoint expectations. Benny Gantz entered political life a...
To combat Cordvid-19, Israel has announced a plan to place all of the Gaza Strip under quarantine. The plan came into effect after Israel suspected that two Palestinians had moved across the border in the past five years. Israel said it will seal off the borders of Gaza indefinitely while it tries to contain the crisis. “The idea is restrict...
Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah has ruled that 72 virgins is dangerously crowded for its suicide bombers, leaving many potential martyrs feeling cheated. Nasrallah’s decision comes after he and other senior Hezbollah leaders reportedly contracted the coronavirus. Nasrallah spoke to The Mideast Beast from his subterranean quarantine Beirut bunker. “As Hezbollah’s leader, my main responsibility is to preserve a safe afterlife...
In an effort to prevent the spread of coronavirus, the Islamic State is advising its suicide bombers to avoid large crowds and densely packed areas while carrying out their operations. “As we look to mitigate the harm caused by COVID-19, we are adjusting our operations to protect our mujahideen against the threat of the virus,” ISIS leader Amir Mohammed al-Salbi...
With the National Guard called into New York’s suburbs in response to a Coronavirus outbreak, New Yorkers are reaching out to Palestinians for tips on living under military occupation. “Until this week, I never knew what it was like to have my movement restricted, or to see tanks in the street,” said one resident of New Rochelle, New York, where...
President Donald Trump has praised the recently signed “Best Friends Forever” deal with the Taliban. The President spoke to The Mideast Beast about his phone conversation with Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar.“I had a good talk with President Mullah. I had a feeling those Jews were listening in on the call, so I was really careful, only using the...
The Taliban has called off its peace deal with the US, saying that it could not normalize relations with such a sexist nation following Senator Elizabeth Warren’s exit from the presidential race. “Warren’s failure to gain traction exposed Americans’ deep-seated misogyny”, deputy Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar said. He also noted, “countries across the world, from Australia to the...
It’s been well over a month since Trump’s decision to play whack-a-mole with Iran’s exalted general, Qasem Soleimani. Since then, Iranian troops and Shiite militiamen alike are saying they’re having a bit of trouble adjusting to their new boss, Esmail Ghaani. Hezbollah troops were the first to raise some eyebrows about some of the new office policies that Ghaani instated,...
Hamas decided to celebrate Valentine’s day this year by sending over heart-shaped balloons into Israel this weekend. The balloons were mostly filled with incendiary devices and explosives. A Hamas spokesperson announced that the campaign was a part of the Valentine’s day festivities. “It’s a celebration of love, and we love to kill Jews and we thought this was the best...
Global markets, world leaders, and leading experts are breathing a collective sigh of relief as the latest peace plan, proposed by Pinocchio cosplayer of the year Jared Kushner, is turning out not to be the ‘Deal of the Century’. Middle East commentator Steve Kotkin said, “Frankly it would have been a massive pain in the ass if they’d pulled this...
