War

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

After reading several books touting conspiracy theories, former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden spent his last days in his compound in Pakistan questioning not only the U.S. government’s version of 9/11 but his own role in the 2001 attacks, newly released documents show. Among the books bin Laden kept in his Abbottabad compound was David Ray Griffin’s “The New Pearl Harbor,” which claims that the Twin Towers were not brought down by planes and that 9/11 was a “False...

UN to End All Conflict in Middle East by Bringing Back Ottoman Empire

UN to End All Conflict in Middle East by Bringing Back Ottoman Empire

NEW YORK — The United Nations has finally figured out a way to bring peace to the Middle East, by voting to bring back the Ottoman Empire. “Forget a two-state solution for Israel and Palestine, now we have a one-state solution, and it’s ruled by Turks. It’s perfect!” commented UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres. “No more wars between Israel, and well, everybody; no more Assad gassing his own citizens; no more Erdogan. Now all we have is rule by a...

Hamas Replacing Human Shields with Much Cuter Puppy Shields

Hamas Replacing Human Shields with Much Cuter Puppy Shields

Under cover of a moonless night in early April of last year, in the Gulf of Aden, Israeli commando units seized the Gaza-bound cargo ship Al-Aarnab. Beneath the usual humanitarian cargo (Viagra pills, e-cigarettes, Bud Light) the troops uncovered the even more usual rockets and weaponry. But in a hidden container deep inside the ship, they uncovered a secret payload: hundreds of the cutest puppies and fluffiest bunnies developed in secret military facilities in Iran. An Israeli intelligence analyst explained...

Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets

Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets

Claiming that the Russian strongman had promised an exclusive relationship, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly heartbroken to learn that Vladimir Putin has another asset. “I thought that what Vladimir and I had was special, and that carpet-bombing my enemies to oblivion was his way of saying, ‘I love you,’” a teary-eyed Assad told The Mideast Beast after seeing reports that US President Donald Trump is also a Russian asset. “I guess he just goes around dropping his bombs in...

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syrians have reacted angrily to a World Happiness Report that places them as only the fourth saddest place in the world, trailing Tanzania, Burundi and the Central African Republic. A spokesman for the Syrian government commented, “Tanzania has the Serengeti for fuck’s sake. How can you be sad when you’ve got lions to look at? I think we had some lions in the Damascus zoo, but we ate them. Doesn’t get sadder than that.” The disbelief is shared on all sides...

Syria Just a Tad Uncomfortable with Americans Still ‘Hanging Around’

Syria Just a Tad Uncomfortable with Americans Still ‘Hanging Around’

Syria has confessed that it is finding it a bit creepy that America hasn’t followed through with its intention to head home following what was supposed to be a long weekend stay but has gone on just a little bit too long for comfort. “Don’t get us wrong, it’s been great having them here. They make a lot less mess than the Turks. But once we heard that they had beaten ISIS, great news by the way, and we don’t...

Six People Blinded as Hezbollah vs. IDF Snowball Fight Turns Nasty

Six People Blinded as Hezbollah vs. IDF Snowball Fight Turns Nasty

An epic snowball fight between Hezbollah militants and Israel Defense Force soldiers over the weekend has left at least six young men sightless. According to a Hezbollah fighter who took part in the skirmish on the Israeli-Lebanese border, “It was all good natured at first but took a turn for the worse when a bunch of guys from ISIS arrived with metal poles and wooden bats. Next thing I know, one Zionist has me in a bear hug while another...

Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”

Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”

With an estimated 400,000 deaths and millions of displaced civilians, the Syrian War has been at the forefront of the world’s consciousness and news networks. While most have painted President Bashar al-Assad as a criminal who pushed his country to destruction, he contends his motivations to continue the war are righteous. “Do you think anyone in the US knew where Kabul was before they went to war with the Taliban and al-Qaeda?” posed Assad. “Then after the Iraq war everyone...

Israel Defense Forces Agree to Adopt Bow and Arrows

Israel Defense Forces Agree to Adopt Bow and Arrows

After confirming that security forces in Cameroon killed a potential suicide bomber with a poisoned arrow, Colonel Bill Giles of the IDF’s Novel and Interesting Weapons Department, has confirmed that they will be testing the idea from next month. “To be frank we’re fed up with the international criticism that follows when we don’t give rockets a fighting chance to land on something important. So the new trial will have some of our soldiers with the strongest wrist action lined up on...

SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The elite operators of SEAL Team Six have reportedly been deployed to the downtown Washington area in an attempt to track down an individual holed up in a confined space and raging against the injustices of the Western world. The special forces unit best known for bringing bin Laden to justice were apparently brought in as one of the final acts of outgoing Secretary of Defense, General Mattis. A spokesperson for the unit commented, “When ‘Mad Dog’ calls, we answer....

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS/ISIS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology,  the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...

God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2019th Time

God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2019th Time

After another year of war between Middle East countries and factions, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different. “2018 didn’t go as planned, but new year new me! In 2019 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars #resolutions #motivated” God immediately got to work, reading several informative BuzzFeed articles on how to keep resolutions. He then put together an elaborate Excel spreadsheet where he listed all current ongoing conflicts. “At first I was...

President Trump: “Is Syria Even a Real Place?”

President Trump: “Is Syria Even a Real Place?”

President Trump has brought into question the entire existence of a country called ‘Syria’. “I mean I know the most about Geography, no one knows more. And I’ve never seen the place myself. ‘Whining Brett McGurk‘ says he’s been there. But he’s an Obama supporter so why should I trust him?” “I’ve travelled the most of any President, Mar A Lago, Bedminster, Mar A Lago again. And I don’t remember even coming close to a place called ‘Syria’. I mean...

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

Under the constant threat of barrel bombs, stray mortar shells, crossfire between various rebel factions, and being strafed by a fighter jet, Syrian teen Mahmoud al-Tibi admitted Sunday that he can’t find one goddamn minute to jerk off properly. Between his mom barging into his bedroom to tell him “they’ve begun shelling again” and his little sister sobbing uncontrollably next door, it’s proving impossible to ‘smack the Imam’. “I try to watch some porn but halfway through the Internet connection...

Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair

Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair

The political implications are as grave as the story is improbable.  A Hamas Qassam-4 Rocket and an Israeli Iron Dome Interceptor have sent letters to their respective commanders declaring that they can no longer hide their love. “When I first laid eyes on her, it was the kind of thing that you feel deep in your fuselage,” said the Interceptor who prefers to go unnamed. “There was just something about her arc of flight that told me not to blow...

Turkey Apologizes for Lack of Commitment to Syrian Violence

Turkey Apologizes for Lack of Commitment to Syrian Violence

Turkey has admitted publicly its failure to keep the good times going in Syria and has committed to another invasion some time before Christmas. A statement from the government read, “Totally our bad, we took our eye off the ball on this one. We had somehow assumed that between the Americans, Russians, Kurds, half a dozen other separatist groups and Bashar al-Assad, that a decent level of bloodshed would have been achieved. We were wrong.” “But we intend to rectify...

Hamas Blames Israel for Massive Rain Pour

Hamas Blames Israel for Massive Rain Pour

GAZA CITY — The Gaza Strip has been hit again! This time, by an unexpected massive downpour of rain yesterday, allegedly brought upon by Israel to ‘screw with the Palestinian People,’ claims a Hamas official. In light of the situation, world leaders are scheduled to meet in Cairo in the coming days to mediate the cease-water negotiations, scheduled to take place next week. Israeli weather forecasters are still playing dumb, erroneously blaming ‘the atmosphere’ and ‘clouds’ for the ‘slight rainfall’...

The Concerned Reader’s Guide to Middle East Reporting Clichés

The Concerned Reader’s Guide to Middle East Reporting Clichés

Does Middle East reporting leave you dumbfounded, baffled and befuddled? Us too! It certainly doesn’t help that most articles are as overrun with clichés such as, Syria is with “moderate rebels”. As a service to our long-suffering readers, The Mideast Beast presents the guide that takes a buzzsaw to the buzzwords. All options are on table – The following options are on the table: giving fiery speeches, expressing disappointment, letting Putin handle it, ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away....

ISIS Blames Low Poll Numbers on “Terrorist Harassment”

ISIS Blames Low Poll Numbers on “Terrorist Harassment”

An ISIS spokesman today complained that only a constant pattern of “fake news” was holding their global poll numbers down in what he called “terrorist harassment”. “We’re just doing all these amazing things around worldwide jihad. Chopping off heads, blowing shit up, keeping the infidels in a constant state of panic. But we just constantly struggle to get our numbers above 50%. We blame the Western media with their constant barrage of articles suggesting that mass carnage and bloodshed are ‘a...