Looking over the ruins of what was once Syria, Assad expressed dismay this week as he realized that he could have held onto despotic power by simply dismantling the post office. Although the murderous dictator would never openly admit fault, sources close to the former ophthalmologist say that he feels like “a bit of an idiot” this week after observing how Trump is meddling in the US election by making postmen slower, not killing thousands of his own citizens…not yet anyway.
“Poor Bashar is feeling a little low this week because another country with fringe religious crazies and huge oil reserves is preventing an election through much more low-key means” said an advisor in the Suppression Cabinet. “You know when you do something embarrassing and then you think about it every morning at, like, 2am? It’s like that. Especially now that Trump is being so goddamn smooth about it all.”
Other cronies close to the dictator say that it wasn’t his fault for being naïve about how to effectively shut down democracy without causing a fuss because he hadn’t grown up in a WASPy household. “From what we know about these WASPs, they’re taught how to hold onto power by whatever means necessary but also to never cause a scene. We simply don’t have that culture over here, how was Bashar supposed to know?”
Despite his despotic moves being a lot flashier than Trump’s, Bashar is still somewhat content in that he’s already achieved what Trump is going for: lifelong power where the extremists think they call the shots and Putin can take whatever he pleases.