War

Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’
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Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’

Aiming to strike fear in the heart of every American, al Qaeda has launched Operation Cough in Public, with sleeper cells activating across the US to cough loudly in crowded venues. Al Qaeda agents will go to sporting events, concerts, and busy shopping malls and cough repeatedly without covering their mouths, according to internal documents seen by The Mideast Beast....

Palestinians Give New Yorkers Tips on Living Under Occupation
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Palestinians Give New Yorkers Tips on Living Under Occupation

With the National Guard called into New York’s suburbs in response to a Coronavirus outbreak, New Yorkers are reaching out to Palestinians for tips on living under military occupation. “Until this week, I never knew what it was like to have my movement restricted, or to see tanks in the street,” said one resident of New Rochelle, New York, where...

Trump Praises “Best Friends Forever” Deal with Taliban
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Trump Praises “Best Friends Forever” Deal with Taliban

President Donald Trump has praised the recently signed “Best Friends Forever” deal with the Taliban. The President spoke to The Mideast Beast about his phone conversation with Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar.“I had a good talk with President Mullah. I had a feeling those Jews were listening in on the call, so I was really careful, only using the...

Taliban Blasts ‘Sexist’ US for Not Supporting Warren’s Presidential Bid
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Taliban Blasts ‘Sexist’ US for Not Supporting Warren’s Presidential Bid

The Taliban has called off its peace deal with the US, saying that it could not normalize relations with such a sexist nation following Senator Elizabeth Warren’s exit from the presidential race. “Warren’s failure to gain traction exposed Americans’ deep-seated misogyny”, deputy Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar said. He also noted, “countries across the world, from Australia to the...

Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops
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Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops

It’s been well over a month since Trump’s decision to play whack-a-mole with Iran’s exalted general, Qasem Soleimani. Since then, Iranian troops and Shiite militiamen alike are saying they’re having a bit of trouble adjusting to their new boss, Esmail Ghaani. Hezbollah troops were the first to raise some eyebrows about some of the new office policies that Ghaani instated,...

Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel
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Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel

Hamas decided to celebrate Valentine’s day this year by sending over heart-shaped balloons into Israel this weekend. The balloons were mostly filled with incendiary devices and explosives. A Hamas spokesperson announced that the campaign was a part of the Valentine’s day festivities. “It’s a celebration of love, and we love to kill Jews and we thought this was the best...

Well That Went About as Well as Expected…
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Well That Went About as Well as Expected…

Global markets, world leaders, and leading experts are breathing a collective sigh of relief as the latest peace plan, proposed by Pinocchio cosplayer of the year Jared Kushner, is turning out not to be the ‘Deal of the Century’. Middle East commentator Steve Kotkin said, “Frankly it would have been a massive pain in the ass if they’d pulled this...

Anti-War Activists Pat Themselves on the Back for Preventing War With Iran
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Anti-War Activists Pat Themselves on the Back for Preventing War With Iran

As the United States prepared to invade Iran earlier this month, many worried that the world was about to spiral hopelessly out of control. American President Donald J. Trump finally seemed poised to start another aggressive war of choice and finally fulfill his longstanding plan to destabilize literally the entire world. But luckily, the rules-based international order had a group...

Alex Trebek Unphased by Bethlehem Controversy
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Alex Trebek Unphased by Bethlehem Controversy

Following the controversy over a Jeopardy question last week, a visibly aggravated Alex Trebek seemed intent on not letting his audience know that the dispute had not phased him. This follows the controversy where the answer to a question placed Bethlehem in Israel rather than Palestine. Some groups took offense to this, with Code Pink, which is usually such a reasonable...

Iran Launches GoFundMe Campaign for Better Air Defense Radars
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Iran Launches GoFundMe Campaign for Better Air Defense Radars

In the aftermath of a tragic incident in which an Iranian missile shot down a commercial airliner near Tehran last week, the Islamic Republic’s air defense force has launched a GoFundMe campaign to help them acquire improved radar systems. Military leaders say the new radars could help prevent similarly tragic incidents in the future by distinguishing military targets from civilian flights. Iranian Foreign...

Iran Admits to Unintentionally Attacking US Baghdad Embassy
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Iran Admits to Unintentionally Attacking US Baghdad Embassy

Iran has admitted that it “unintentionally attacked” the US Embassy in Baghdad in December 2019. The dramatic U-turn admission comes after Tehran also admitted that it recently accidentally shot down a Ukrainian commercial airplane just after takeoff from Imam Khomeini International Airport . Iran’s Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif told The Mideast Beast: “Iran unintentionally attacked the US Embassy in...

Trudeau Apologizes for Airliner Full of Canadians That Hit Innocent Iranian Missile
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Trudeau Apologizes for Airliner Full of Canadians That Hit Innocent Iranian Missile

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has issued an apology after a plane full of Canadians struck an Iranian missile near Tehran last week. The collision resulted in the destruction of an extremely expensive Iranian anti-aircraft missile, and also the deaths of 57 Canadians. Trudeau, the famously considerate leader of the most polite country on earth, said in a written statement that “it...

Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’
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Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’

The Iranian Republican Guard Corps took responsibility for the devastating attack that took place on Sunday night in Beverly Hills via a social media account associated with the military organization. The tweet appeared on Tuesday night saying that “that this was only the beginning of the Iranian Republic’s retribution for the murder of Qasem Soleimani” Hollywood celebrities were devastated by...

Trump Declares Day of Rage against Uncooperative Pentagon
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Trump Declares Day of Rage against Uncooperative Pentagon

President Trump has reportedly declared a Day of Rage against the Pentagon. The escalating move comes after the Pentagon rejected Trump’s threat to bomb Iranian cultural sites. A mildly irritated President Trump told The Mideast Beast: “Nobody can give better orders than me. The undrained Pentagon swamp consists of unstable total losers, probably secret Pocahontas or Bernie Slanders supporters. As...

Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses
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Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses

Iran has pushed the world closer to war with a new threat to target golf courses globally. A statement from the Supreme Leader’s office read, “You want to target our mosques and cultural sites? Well then, we will take what you hold most dear. The chance to hit a sweet birdie off the back nine. Unlike some people we’ve actually...

Khamenei Misses the Days When Biggest Threat Was Iranian People
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Khamenei Misses the Days When Biggest Threat Was Iranian People

Pondering how to respond to American air strikes that took out his top general, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei admitted that he longed for the days when the greatest threat to his power was the Iranian populace looking for basic human rights. “You know who never kills your top military officials in a drone strike on foreign soil? Unarmed protestors,”...

Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate
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Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate

Former National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes, who was once billed as Barack Obama’s foreign policy Guru was devastated to hear the horrible news that President Trump had authorized an airstrike that killed Iranian Quds Force leader, General Qasem Soleimani. “Qasem Soleimani, also known as “Asshole” by Yemenis, was the kind of moderate Iranian leader that we needed for peace in...