Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world it is indeed a terrorist organization.
“The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing a ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “You look at other world terror leaders, and all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible, organizations. In the name of Allah, what do we have to do to get that kind of respect?”
Hamas is increasingly growing jealous of younger, hipper, terrorists. “ISIS is doing some really interesting things bringing terrorism to the masses,” another Hamas member told The Mideast Beast, “I mean, sure, some of their tactics are a little old school. It’s like, ‘Uhhhh, the 14th century called, and they want their beheadings back.’ But they’re doing some really innovative things with marketing and technology.”
Emboldened to rise back up in the terror rankings and to be taken seriously as an opponent to anti-terror legends, such as Jack Bauer, James Bond, Jason Bourne, or Jimmy Buffett, Hamas has upped its terror game in the last few months. In the past few months, in addition to having a little rocket fun with “target the civilians” game, it rounded up dissentients and conducted public mass executions.
“Considering the bat shit crazy things we do and say, I just don’t understand it,” the Hamas spokesman said. “Even though our stated goal is to kill all Jews and destroy Israel, the West and a few Gulf States still pressures Israel to negotiate with us. They even gave us $5.4 Billion to ‘rebuild Gaza’, but I think everyone knows where that money’s really going. Come on, we’ve already spent around $90 million of aid money on tunnels alone.”