After another year of war between Middle East countries and factions, and a global pandemic, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different.
“2020 didn’t go as planned. But new year, new me! In 2021 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars. No promises on Covid. ur fault 4 not wearing a mask. #resolutions #motivated #RT.”
God immediately got to work, reading several informative BuzzFeed articles on how to keep resolutions. He then put together an elaborate Excel spreadsheet where he listed all current ongoing conflicts.
“At first I was like whoa, that’s a lot to take care of, but I learned that breaking goals into smaller and measured tasks make them more attainable. As long as I start the day with a good breakfast, I think I can fix Syria and Yemen in about a month while the Israeli-Palestinian conflict should need around 5 weeks. I’m pretty excited to finally get going on this project. I’ve been meaning to start it, but so many things have kept me busy like work, trying to deal with Trump and Bibi, and, umm, my son. But he’s all grown up and now and left the house, so I’ve got plenty of time.”
In addition to peace in the Middle East, God also vowed to finally shed the excess weight he had put on during the holidays. He has already paid for a year gym membership along with 10 private workout sessions.