US

Trump’s anti-Semitic Comments in Fox News Interview Wins Crufts Award for “Most Impressive Dog Whistle”
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Trump’s anti-Semitic Comments in Fox News Interview Wins Crufts Award for “Most Impressive Dog Whistle”

Trump went on Fox News this week to say that dark shadowy people are controlling Joe Biden and the election, which not only solidified his voting base of elderly Germans hiding out in Argentina, but also awarded him the Crufts International Award for “Most Impressive Dog Whistle.” Although this award usually goes to physical whistles for attracting dogs, Crufts adjudicators...

Republican National Convention to Be Hosted in Judea and Samaria
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Republican National Convention to Be Hosted in Judea and Samaria

This week as Mike Pompeo announced that he would be tuning into the Republican National Convention (RNC) from Jerusalem to win over the Evangelical Messianic Jewish vote, some said he was not taking Jared’s peace “plan” seriously enough, so the party decided instead to double down and host the entire event in, what they’re calling, Judea and Samaria. Although almost...

Republicans to Give AOC Three-Hour Convention Slot
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Republicans to Give AOC Three-Hour Convention Slot

Calling it a travesty that the 30-year-old Congresswoman was given just one minute to speak at the Democratic convention, Republican National Committee Chair Ronna McDaniel has offered Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a three-hour slot at the upcoming GOP convention. McDaniel said that it is “crucially important” for voters to hear Ocasio-Cortez’s political positions and worldview given AOC’s role in shaping the...

Ilhan Omar Relieved to Learn that Jews Only Control 40% of Minds
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Ilhan Omar Relieved to Learn that Jews Only Control 40% of Minds

After claiming victory in a competitive primary with 57% of the vote, Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar said she is happy to learn that Jews’ mind control is only effective on roughly 40% of voters. “I knew that everyone in my district loves me and wanted to vote for me, but I was really worried that the Jews – I mean,...

House Dems Force AG Barr to Swear on Copy of “White Fragility”
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House Dems Force AG Barr to Swear on Copy of “White Fragility”

While swearing in before a testimony has traditionally been done on a copy of the Old or New Testament in the United States, there is no law that requires it. Last week, during the House Judiciary Committee hearing, Democrats insisted Attorney General William Barr swear in on a copy of Robin DiAngelo’s bestselling self-help book, White Fragility. Radical young Congresswoman,...

White House: America’s New Counter-Terrorism Plan is To Destroy Itself
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White House: America’s New Counter-Terrorism Plan is To Destroy Itself

While It seems like the United States is handling the coronavirus pandemic about as well as a Parkinson’s patient in a minefield, a Pentagon source says that this might be more intentional than the public was originally led to believe. According to a source at the Pentagon, it’s part of America’s new cutting-edge counter-terrorism policy: The terrorists can’t destroy America...

British Protests, Violence Mark 244 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
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British Protests, Violence Mark 244 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans put social distancing on hold to celebrate the 244th anniversary of its independence with illegal barbeques at forbidden gatherings due to the novel coronavirus, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO...

Princeton Replaces Wilson School of International Affairs with ‘Kushner School of Winging It’
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Princeton Replaces Wilson School of International Affairs with ‘Kushner School of Winging It’

The latest public reckoning around racist, or as academia calls them “controversial,” figures befell Princeton University this weekend as activists pushed for the removal of Woodrow Wilson’s name from the School of International Affairs. In a surprise move the administration agreed with the students, stating that the name “International Affairs” is outdated and should be replaced with something more representative...

CHOP Condemns Itself After Discovering Cultural Appropriation
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CHOP Condemns Itself After Discovering Cultural Appropriation

CHOP (Capitol Hill Occupied Protest), formerly known as CHAZ (Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone) condemned itself after realizing that its new acronym constitutes cultural appropriation – CHOP for chopsticks – and also a subtle form of racism, as the name indicates a preference for Chinese food. To prevent more emotional damage, CHOP immediately went back to calling itself CHAZ and released...

Breaking: “Racist Statue of Liberty” to be Dismantled, Returned to France
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Breaking: “Racist Statue of Liberty” to be Dismantled, Returned to France

After facing mounting pressure from members of the organization ‘Suddenly Every Stone Offends Me’, New York City has decided to tear down and return “racist” Lady Liberty to France. The dramatic decision comes after numerous statues were vandalized recently in the US and Europe. Newly minted assistant professor of Diverse and Inclusive Statues and Artwork at Columbia University, Ms. Lailah...

Syria Offers to Train “Woefully Undertrained” US Police
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Syria Offers to Train “Woefully Undertrained” US Police

Syrian President Bashar Assad has offered his own country’s police force to train US law enforcement after experts said that it is “woefully undertrained” on using force. Assad, who has a soft spot for minorities, and their rights, spoke to The Mideast Beast about his concerns for America’s future. “It’s very crucial that US authorities quickly restore law and order,...

Taliban, ISIS to Advise Antifa on Destroying Statues
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Taliban, ISIS to Advise Antifa on Destroying Statues

Calling the recent US trend of angry mobs destroying statues “inspiring but a bit amateur,” leaders of ISIS and the Taliban have agreed to send advisors to Antifa and other far left groups on how to erase historical artifacts. “Destroying all art, culture and history from previous eras is obviously constructive,” said ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi. “But they’ve got...

NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods
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NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods

Starting tomorrow NASCAR drivers will no longer be allowed to wear the white pointed hoods of the Ku-Klux-Klan to work. The decision was announced yesterday by the racing company’s CEO Jim France. The ban comes amidst a moment of reckoning over racism and white supremacy in the United States, and has upset many NASCAR fans and drivers. Jason Beans, a...

State Department Changes Seattle Threat Level to ‘Mideast’
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State Department Changes Seattle Threat Level to ‘Mideast’

Following the recent escalation of sectarian rifts in Seattle, Washington, the US Department of State issued a “Mideast level” travel advisory warning to the liberal-tech hub. “American citizens should use extreme caution and if possible avoid all travel to Seattle for the foreseeable future”, read the State Department memo. At a briefing to reporters a spokesperson said that Washington state’s...

Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie
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Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie

Retired General and former US Secretary of State Colin Powell, who recently told CNN that President Donald Trump “lies all the time”, stressed, “I miss the days when America had an honest president who did not lie, like about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and stuff like that.” Full of nostalgia, an emotional Powell spoke to The Mideast Beast. “There...

Khamenei Condemns Trump’s Human Rights Violations “Just to See How He Likes It!”
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Khamenei Condemns Trump’s Human Rights Violations “Just to See How He Likes It!”

In a move that could be attributed to humanitarianism, but most likely stems from a ‘how’s it feel, asshole?!’ level of spite, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei of Iran has issued a statement condemning President Trump’s use of excessive force to quash peaceful protestors. “I just can’t believe,” he began condescendingly, “That in this day and age, a so-called democratic leader would...

Taliban Leader Pissed his Op-Ed Didn’t Trigger Collapse of NYT
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Taliban Leader Pissed his Op-Ed Didn’t Trigger Collapse of NYT

With staff at The New York Times in revolt and the editorial page editor leaving his position over the decision to publish an op-ed by a Republican senator, Taliban deputy leader Sirajuddin Haqqani said he is deeply offended that his own column just months earlier engendered no such response. “We helped Osama bin Laden carry out 9/11, then spent 20...

Assad Blasts Trump for Stopping at Tear Gas
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Assad Blasts Trump for Stopping at Tear Gas

In a rare public statement this week Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad blasted Putin ally Donald Trump for only using tear gas on his protesting citizens. Although most leaders remained hesitant to criticize the “most powerful man in the free world,” for fear of international backlash, Assad took a bold stance against the US President and his use of force, specifically...

Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’
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Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’

Claiming that existing language did not go far enough to protect victims of racism and Islamophobia, House Democrats have passed a bill redefining the term “hate crime” to include “any criticism of, or disagreement with, Representative Ilhan Omar.” The bill comes after Omar’s description of the September 11 attacks as “some people did something” sparked outrage and led to criticism...

Bernie Sanders: This Should Have Been My Revolutionary Moment
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Bernie Sanders: This Should Have Been My Revolutionary Moment

Bernie Sanders, who dropped out of the Democratic presidential race in April, spoke to The Mideast Beast about the latest developments in the US and his lack of plans. “It’s not easy to watch Biden squandering this opportunity”, said Sanders. “Cities are finally burning in revolution against the Trump regime, and I am not there to lead the charge. Only...