US

Ted Cruz Tried to Shoot Me with Jew Space Lasers, AOC Reveals
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Ted Cruz Tried to Shoot Me with Jew Space Lasers, AOC Reveals

The attempt, by Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX),  to murder Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) did not end with the January 2021 Capitol riot, the congresswoman revealed. The Texas Republican also tried to shoot her down with a giant space laser, Ocasio-Cortez said in an emotional speech on the House floor. “I was walking down the street in the rain the other...

Chiefs Fans Storm NFL Headquarters to Overturn Bucs Super Bowl Win
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Chiefs Fans Storm NFL Headquarters to Overturn Bucs Super Bowl Win

Chanting “Stop the Steal,” Kansas City Chiefs fans invaded the NFL headquarters in New York late Sunday night demanding commissioner Roger Goodell name the Chiefs the winners of Super Bowl LV. What started as a protest against the official results of the championship game turned violent after Chiefs fans overran security and forced their way into NFL offices, stealing podiums...

Ted Cruz Shot at Me in Bosnia, Clinton Says
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Ted Cruz Shot at Me in Bosnia, Clinton Says

Former First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has revealed the identity of the sniper who tried to assassinate her during a 1996 trip to Bosnia: Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “I remember landing under sniper fire from Senator Cruz,” Clinton recalled. “We were supposed to have a greeting ceremony, but when I saw Ted in his sniper’s nest some...

Marjorie Taylor Greene, Ilhan Omar Launch Bipartisan House Anti-Semite Caucus
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Marjorie Taylor Greene, Ilhan Omar Launch Bipartisan House Anti-Semite Caucus

Looking to prove that Democrats and Republicans can find common ground despite deep polarization, Democratic Congresswoman Ilham Omar and freshmen Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene have formed a House Caucus to advance Anti-Semitic Stereotypes. The move was heralded as a triumph of bipartisanship, as the two lawmakers will work together to promote a range of conspiracies about Jewish Americans. RELATED:...

Q Oversleeps on Inauguration Day, Forgets to Break Up Satanist Pedophile Ring
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Q Oversleeps on Inauguration Day, Forgets to Break Up Satanist Pedophile Ring

The high-ranking military officer known as “Q” now says he will try to break up the criminal child-eating global sex-trafficking ring controlling Washington DC in Trump’s second term, after he slept through his alarm Wednesday and was unable launch a climactic war against the cabal before Joe Biden took office. Q has long promised a day of reckoning called “The...

Jussie Smollett Attacked by Biden Supporters
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Jussie Smollett Attacked by Biden Supporters

Actor Jussie Smollett has once again been attacked, this time by angry supporters of newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden. Smollett said he was walking back to his hotel in Oklahoma City Wednesday afternoon when a group of men in pink pussy hats approached him. Shouting, “This is Biden country,” the men spilled their soy chai lattes on the actor and stole...

Omar, Tlaib Support Capitol Riots After Learning They’re Like Kristallnacht
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Omar, Tlaib Support Capitol Riots After Learning They’re Like Kristallnacht

While last week’s attack on the US Capitol has drawn widespread bipartisan condemnation, two prominent Democrats now say they support the riots after hearing that they are similar to Kristallnacht, a 1938 pogrom against Jews in Nazi Germany. Rep. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib, both members of a far-Left democratic faction known as The Squad, have endorsed the storming of...

Netanyahu Calls to Congratulate Shirtless Viking President
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Netanyahu Calls to Congratulate Shirtless Viking President

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called to congratulate the shirtless Viking who stormed the US Capitol and made it to Vice President Mike Pence’s chair, promising to work with the Viking to strengthen the US-Israel relationship. “Mr. Shirtless Viking, I congratulate you on behalf of the people of Israel on your rise to the seat of government,” Netanyahu told...

Trump Asks Doctors if he Can Nuke Covid-19
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Trump Asks Doctors if he Can Nuke Covid-19

With only days remaining in his presidency, and hoping to salvage any possible legacy, US President Donald Trump has reportedly asked doctors if they can remove Covid-19 from people’s bodies using nuclear weapons. “Look doctor, I have all these nukes. Like hundreds, maybe millions of them, and I mean really powerful bombs,” Trump reportedly told his physician after learning that...

Al Qaeda Leader Pissed He Didn’t Think of Just Storming the Capitol
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Al Qaeda Leader Pissed He Didn’t Think of Just Storming the Capitol

With pro-Trump protestors storming the US Capitol in Washington DC and temporarily holding senators and congresspeople hostage, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri is reportedly furious that he didn’t think of just breaking into the Capitol and taking over the US government. “I never knew you could just get a group of guys and just walk into the seat of government...

Trump Calls President of Republic of Georgia, Demands She Overturn Election Results
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Trump Calls President of Republic of Georgia, Demands She Overturn Election Results

In a desperate call to Tbilisi Monday evening, US President Donald Trump asked Georgian President Salome Zurabishvili to help find nearly 12,000 votes and swing the presidential election. Trump, who narrowly lost the US state of Georgia to President-elect Joe, reportedly told aids to “get the King of Georgia” on the phone after his efforts to convince Georgia Secretary of...

Fascism Finally Defeated After 9,328th Business Vandalized in Portland
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Fascism Finally Defeated After 9,328th Business Vandalized in Portland

Humanity’s century-long battle with fascism is finally over, after rioters in Portland, Oregon destroyed Starbucks Coffee on 3rd Avenue, a key Nazi stronghold, late Thursday night. The rioters’ seven-month siege of the city, which has focused on smashing the windows of businesses, throwing Molotov cocktails at police officers, and dumping paint on elderly women, proved too much for the global...

Jill Biden Launches ‘Doctorates without Borders’
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Jill Biden Launches ‘Doctorates without Borders’

Looking to bring rigorous scholarship and impressive credentials to the most remote and poverty-stricken corners of the globe, incoming First Lady Dr. Jill Biden announced she will launch a new non-governmental organization called ‘Doctorates without Borders.’ Biden will lead holders of PhDs and other post-graduate degrees to war zones and third-world countries to deliver life-saving lectures on their subjects of...

Election ‘Best Two Out of Three,’ Trump Clarifies
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Election ‘Best Two Out of Three,’ Trump Clarifies

Following the US Electoral College’s confirmation that Joe Biden won the 2020 Presidential Election, Trump has publicly conceded that he has lost round one. However, he immediately announced his campaign plans to take a short break before gearing up for round two of the best-of-three election series. “Biden might have just barely won the ‘first election’ because of the crooked...

Kushner Kept on as Senior Advisor After Marrying Hunter Biden
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Kushner Kept on as Senior Advisor After Marrying Hunter Biden

In an unexpected move, President-elect Joe Biden announced he will keep Jared Kushner on as a senior adviser after Kushner married Biden’s son Hunter. Kushner, who was previously married to President Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka, revealed late Tuesday that he and Hunter had jetted off to a private island to tie the knot. “Listen, this Jared guy’s a dimwit and...

Trump Appeals Election Case to Sharia Court
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Trump Appeals Election Case to Sharia Court

With the Supreme Court unanimously rejecting his bid to overturn the election, President Donald Trump announced on Twitter that he will appeal the decision to the Sharia Court established during the Obama administration. “The Supreme Court is in on the voter fraud and wants to hand the presidency to sleepy Joe Biden!” Trump tweeted. “Thank God, or should I say...

Biden Launches OnlyFans Account to Pay Off National Debt
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Biden Launches OnlyFans Account to Pay Off National Debt

Looking for new sources of revenue to counteract trillions in Covid-related stimulus spending, President-elect Joe Biden has joined OnlyFans and plans to offer followers exclusive access to risqué content for $50 a month. Biden said he first learned about the site from former congressman Anthony Weiner, who reached out to Biden asking to borrow $120 to follow porn star Riley...

Giuliani Converts to Islam, Issues Fatwa Declaring Trump Still President
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Giuliani Converts to Islam, Issues Fatwa Declaring Trump Still President

In his latest attempt to save President Donald Trump’s re-election bid, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has officially converted to Islam, named himself a mufti, and issued a fatwa declaring Trump the winner of the November 3 presidential election. The move is the latest attempt to reverse the election results by Trump’s legal team, which has come up...

Gavin Newsom Orders Poor People Not to Celebrate Thanksgiving
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Gavin Newsom Orders Poor People Not to Celebrate Thanksgiving

Remarking that his favorite restaurants may be forced to close if the indigent continue to spread the coronavirus, California Governor Gavin Newsom has issued an order banning poor and middle-class Californians from gathering for Thanksgiving. Newsom said that the ban was necessary to prevent these citizens from passing the coronavirus to wealthy and politically connected government leaders and lobbyists. The...