US

Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie
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Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie

Retired General and former US Secretary of State Colin Powell, who recently told CNN that President Donald Trump “lies all the time”, stressed, “I miss the days when America had an honest president who did not lie, like about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and stuff like that.” Full of nostalgia, an emotional Powell spoke to The Mideast Beast. “There...

Khamenei Condemns Trump’s Human Rights Violations “Just to See How He Likes It!”
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Khamenei Condemns Trump’s Human Rights Violations “Just to See How He Likes It!”

In a move that could be attributed to humanitarianism, but most likely stems from a ‘how’s it feel, asshole?!’ level of spite, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei of Iran has issued a statement condemning President Trump’s use of excessive force to quash peaceful protestors. “I just can’t believe,” he began condescendingly, “That in this day and age, a so-called democratic leader would...

Taliban Leader Pissed his Op-Ed Didn’t Trigger Collapse of NYT
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Taliban Leader Pissed his Op-Ed Didn’t Trigger Collapse of NYT

With staff at The New York Times in revolt and the editorial page editor leaving his position over the decision to publish an op-ed by a Republican senator, Taliban deputy leader Sirajuddin Haqqani said he is deeply offended that his own column just months earlier engendered no such response. “We helped Osama bin Laden carry out 9/11, then spent 20...

Assad Blasts Trump for Stopping at Tear Gas
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Assad Blasts Trump for Stopping at Tear Gas

In a rare public statement this week Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad blasted Putin ally Donald Trump for only using tear gas on his protesting citizens. Although most leaders remained hesitant to criticize the “most powerful man in the free world,” for fear of international backlash, Assad took a bold stance against the US President and his use of force, specifically...

Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’
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Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’

Claiming that existing language did not go far enough to protect victims of racism and Islamophobia, House Democrats have passed a bill redefining the term “hate crime” to include “any criticism of, or disagreement with, Representative Ilhan Omar.” The bill comes after Omar’s description of the September 11 attacks as “some people did something” sparked outrage and led to criticism...

Bernie Sanders: This Should Have Been My Revolutionary Moment
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Bernie Sanders: This Should Have Been My Revolutionary Moment

Bernie Sanders, who dropped out of the Democratic presidential race in April, spoke to The Mideast Beast about the latest developments in the US and his lack of plans. “It’s not easy to watch Biden squandering this opportunity”, said Sanders. “Cities are finally burning in revolution against the Trump regime, and I am not there to lead the charge. Only...

Assad: I Invented Permanent Social Distancing
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Assad: I Invented Permanent Social Distancing

As Minneapolis and dozens of other US cities were burning during riots following the murder of George Floyd by a police officer, The Mideast Beast asked Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who is known as a seasoned expert on handling crowd control, what he thought about Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey’s handling of the situation. “Well, I am a gentle, polite man...

Syria Free After Sunni Rebels Burn Down AutoZone
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Syria Free After Sunni Rebels Burn Down AutoZone

The nearly decade-long civil war in Syria has finally ended, as Sunni rebels defeated the Assad regime by burning down a Damascus AutoZone. The destruction of the local automotive parts franchise was the final nail in the coffin for the regime, which quickly surrendered and agreed to help transition the country to democracy. “We were determined to restore our rights...

Trump Declares Tanning Salons Essential
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Trump Declares Tanning Salons Essential

At a news conference on Saturday President Donald Trump said he will do everything in his power to force governors to open tanning salons across the country. The announcement came a day after the president declared churches essential, and is the latest step in the president’s strategy of opening up businesses that his voter base frequents. “Governors need to do...

AG William Barr to Drop Charges Against Wuhan Bat
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AG William Barr to Drop Charges Against Wuhan Bat

On Tuesday, US Attorney General and loyal Trump affiliate, William Barr made the shocking announcement that he would not be seeking charges against the bat who allegedly spawned the virus that caused the COVID-19 pandemic. The bat, who did not respond for our request to be interviewed, has previously plead guilty to infecting multiple patients in Wuhan China, the event...

Saudi’s Crown Prince Urges for Subtlety in Trump Government Purges
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Saudi’s Crown Prince Urges for Subtlety in Trump Government Purges

After Trump fired his Inspector General, a Health Department whistleblower, and a personal aid this month, his good friend and far more successful sociopath, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammad bin Salman (MBS), called him up to push the use of some subtlety in his power grabs. According to sources close to Trump, MBS calls every night for a...

Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer
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Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer

In recent weeks President Donald Trump has seriously escalated his war on science, data, the medical field, and logic. The president refused to wear a face mask, suggested that humans should inject disinfectants to combat Covid-19, and self-prescribed a Malaria medication unproven to cure coronavirus symptoms while testing negative for the disease, and he drank fish tank cleaner. These actions...

Tucker Carlson: Wuhan Lab Bullied Me in High School
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Tucker Carlson: Wuhan Lab Bullied Me in High School

Fox commentator Tucker Carlson doubled down this week on his accusations of the Chinese government’s alleged role in releasing the coronavirus by accusing the Wuhan Institute of Virology, also known as ‘that Wuhan lab’, of bullying him in High School. According to the conservative political commentator, not only did scientists from Wuhan develop SARS-CoV-2, which causes the disease Covid-19, they...

Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032
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Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032

US Senator Bernie Sanders proposed a new plan to restart the US economy by September 2032. It is currently in the meltdown phase, suffering from a massive recession as a result of the COVID-19 lockdown. “Look, everyone needs a break,” shouted Sanders in a statement. “Give it 11 or 12 years. We’ll know that the pandemic is over, everyone will...

Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble”
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Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble”

As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic, the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping within their social “bubble.”  Experts say...

George W. Bush Reverses His Policy on “Liberation”
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George W. Bush Reverses His Policy on “Liberation”

In a rare return to the spotlight last weekend, mediocre Texan painter George W Bush urged for unity across political parties in order to effectively combat the coronavirus. This came as a shock to many Iraqi citizens who remember Bush for his previous passion for “liberation.” Despite Bush’s global legacy focusing largely on freeing people from their oppressors whether they...

Trump Plans to Reopen America on April 31st
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Trump Plans to Reopen America on April 31st

Following weeks of passionate self-sabotage by citizens across the United States, President Trump proudly announced last night that all business across the country will be free to open as of April 31st. “This is going to be really, really huge for all the people out there who were not smart enough to be born rich” said Trump. “Some so-called experts...

George Zimmerman Tasked with Enforcing Stay-at-Home Orders
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George Zimmerman Tasked with Enforcing Stay-at-Home Orders

Looking to crack down on citizens violating lockdown orders issued to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, several US states have hired community watch vigilante George Zimmerman to confront anyone seen in public for non-essential business. “To make sure people are following social distancing guidelines, we have asked Mr. Zimmerman to patrol our streets and to respectfully approach anyone...

Ultra-Orthodox Jews to Hold Massive Prayer Rallies to Stop Coronavirus
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Ultra-Orthodox Jews to Hold Massive Prayer Rallies to Stop Coronavirus

Criticizing their secular counterparts for doing too little to stop the spread of COVID-19, ultra-Orthodox Jews in the US and Israel announced a series of massive prayer rallies to combat the disease. “Just when we need prayer more than ever, many of our fellow Jews have decided that now is the time to stop going to synagogue,” one resident of...