US

Trump Visits Holocaust Memorial, Says Victims ‘Would Have Hated Crooked Hillary’

Trump Visits Holocaust Memorial, Says Victims ‘Would Have Hated Crooked Hillary’

Speaking at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum, President Trump declared Tuesday that victims of the genocide “would be very happy and proud at how well our country is doing.” “Anne Frank, you like her, right? Let me tell you, she would be so happy that I finally got the NFL to make those bums stand for our national anthem. Nice!” Trump declared, as other attendees looked on in stunned silence. “And you think she would have voted for Crooked Hillary?...

Trayon White Calls for Negotiations with the Jews to End Baltimore Flooding

Trayon White Calls for Negotiations with the Jews to End Baltimore Flooding

With the Baltimore area devastated by heavy flooding, DC Councilman Trayon White has called for negotiations with the Jews who control the weather. “It is time for us to put aside our hostility for the Rothschildren (sic) and other Jewish bankers and ask them what we must do to get this rain to end,” White, who made headlines for saying that the Jewish family controls the climate, explained. “The Jews gave us this weather, and only the Jews can take...

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

The tragic high school shooting in Santa Fe, Texas has pushed the NRA to its emotional brink. The rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness apparently do not apply to the nearly 50 million students in American public schools, but the obscure and outdated second amendment right remains unscathed. “It’s time something is done. Our years of thoughts and prayers have proven to be mere wastes of time, as they have not been coupled with action,” spokesperson Dana...

Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag

Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag

In a negotiating blunder, US President Donald Trump has agreed to lift all economic sanctions on the North Korean regime and withdraw American troops from the peninsula in exchange for a lifetime supply of North Korean t-shirts, hats and paraphernalia. Reeling from sanctions and fearing a military strike, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un entered the meeting prepared to dismantle his nuclear program, release all political prisoners and allow for democratic elections. Seated across from Trump, Kim began, “In exchange for...

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

A recently resurfaced interview from 2015 with hip-hop mogul DJ Khaled has sent shockwaves through the feminist community, particularly with organizers of the Women’s March who are convinced that all Arab men honor and respect their wives. Khaled, still not entirely sure why reciprocity in a relationship means performing oral sex, stands by his statement that “there are different rules for men”. His lack of actual talent did not deter the DJ from making comments on how women should, or should...

US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot

US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot

The American Left has lost its pre-eminent thinker, as The Atlantic national correspondent Ta-Nehisi Coates has been discovered to be a Russian bot programmed to write 10,000-word essays tying the day’s lead news item to slavery and segregation. “It was quite simple, really,” Alexei Sokolov, a 26-year-old programmer from Novosibirsk, told The Mideast Beast. “We just programmed 15,000 pages of Howard Zinn books into the bot, and trained it to plug in the day’s top trending topic using the linguistic...

The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War

The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War

The American Left has admitted that it misses the days when it didn’t have to be mad about bombing foreign countries. Dick Meskil, a liberal from Berkeley, California, explained his frustration, “Remember when President Obama ordered a drone strike killing a  16-year-old American kid? Now if it had been Bush or Trump, I would have been really mad, but deep in my heart, I knew Obama could be trusted. That teenager was definitely a threat to American security!” “Now I’ll...

Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania

Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania

Last week’s denuclearization talks between North and South Korea went astonishingly well – so well in fact, the duo is offering hand holding-lessons to the US President and First Lady.   “Donald cannot just grab her by the hand,” said Kim with Moon nodding in agreement. “Melania should not want to defect from the marriage. Trump needs to read the potentially volatile situation and act on it accordingly.”   The suggestion for the troubled couple is backed up by the UN...

Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys

Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys

Following Kanye West’s most recent public psychotic break on Twitter, President Trump is invoking his authority as commander-in-chief to make a difference in urban America. In an unprecedented consensus across all branches, the US will effectively replace all military-issued footgear with Yeezys.  West, apparently under the influence of his ex-step-father-turned-ex-step-mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner, raged a hailstorm of tweets praising the President and asserting his autonomous right to free thought. The sudden support by West has rocked Black America’s political opinion, especially...

Kanye West: Jews “Chose” 2,000 Years of Anti-Semitism

Kanye West: Jews “Chose” 2,000 Years of Anti-Semitism

Just a day after saying that African-Americans ‘chose’ to be enslaved for 400 years, controversial rapper Kanye West has implied that Jews were also willing participants in their own violent subjugation. “Them Jews… when you hear about all that anti-Semitism crap going on for 2,000 years – that also sounds to me like a choice,” he told TMZ in a follow-up interview. “And their time over there in Egyptland – they lapped that up, y’all… free food and accommodation! Same goes for...

Bowing to Pressure from Women’s March Activist, Starbucks to Ban Jews

Bowing to Pressure from Women’s March Activist, Starbucks to Ban Jews

Yielding to pressure from a handful of anti-Israel activists, Starbucks announced that Jews will no longer be allowed in any of the company’s location. The decision comes after Women’s March organizer Tamika Mallory, a supporter of Nation of Islam founder and noted anti-Semite Louis Farrakhan, tweeted her frustration over having to wait in line behind potential Zionists. “How am I supposed to enjoy my iced Frappuccino not knowing whether one of these dirty Jews is going to gore me with...

Jane Goodall to Conduct Primate Grooming Research on Trump and Macron

Jane Goodall to Conduct Primate Grooming Research on Trump and Macron

Acclaimed primatologist Jane Goodall will be conducting research on the developing physical relationship between US President Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron as part of a case study on monkey grooming in the coming months. “The presidents’ relationship, in which one grooms the other, removes excess skin from his body, rubs the other’s muscles, and checks for bone spurs, strongly resembles that of the common macaque,” she commented in a recent press conference. In addition to primate grooming her...

US Changes Imperial System To Still Not The Metric System

US Changes Imperial System To Still Not The Metric System

In a surprising development, President Trump, with the full faith backing of the EPA and Betsy DeVos, has moved to officially obliterate the Imperial Measurement System, to unequivocally ‘Make America Great Again’. The new measurements, categorized by the President personally , range in acute specificity from a “Sad Little Marco” to “Yuuuuge”. DARPA is the first government agency to test out the new units of measurement. A representative informed The Mideast Beast that the most recent number of missiles fired...

Trump Asks Why Mueller Didn’t Close Investigation After Syria strike

Trump Asks Why Mueller Didn’t Close Investigation After Syria strike

A baffled President Donald Trump has been discussing with close aides how he doesn’t understand “why people are still insisting I’m BFFs with Putin even after I bombed his other BFF.” “I tried everything, but the Fake News Media won’t listen! The minute I said the words ‘Cold War’ everybody in the world, especially poop-faced Mueller, should have stopped doubting my behavior. I’m president, for Christ’s sake!” Confiding in White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Trump revealed that he’d...

Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’

Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’

Warning that their tolerance for the GOP president’s actions has its limits, House and Senate Republicans insisted that the assassination of special counsel Robert Mueller would be “a red line” for the president. “While I believe the investigation into Russian meddling in our election to be baseless, the president should let Mr. Mueller do his job without interference,” House Speaker Paul Ryan said in a statement. “His assassination would draw much concern from Democrats and Republicans alike.” South Carolina Senator...

Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect

Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect

The Drone Pilot Lobby has announced that it is initiating a $20 million-dollar lawsuit against the U.S. Department of Defense. The plaintiffs claim that the DoD “failed to adequately address pilots’ suffering arising from carpal tunnel syndrome and hostile environments.” One drone pilot explained, “We’re America’s front-line defense against militant groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS, and suspicious looking weddings. People make fun of us and say we’re not real pilots, but we really do suffer. Our chairs don’t come with cup holders,...

Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama

Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama

Lamenting that the former first dog did nothing as his owner escalated a campaign of drone strikes and targeted killings, leftist activist Noam Chomsky is calling for Bo Obama to be brought before The Hague for alleged war crimes. “While Barack Obama violated the Geneva Conventions, the 1907 Hague Restrictions and the customary laws of war with his killings of civilians in Pakistan, Yemen, and Somalia, we heard not so much as a bark from his best friend and accomplice,”...

Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling

Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling

North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and United States President Donald Trump are reportedly to begin Non-Violent Communication Therapy. Donald Trump has tweeted, “Nobody does non-violent communication better than me. We are going to break down the biggest walls!! #MAGA” A spokesperson for the North Korean regime corroborated the story, stating that “Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will engage imperialist leader ‘little-hands Trump’ with Non-Violent Communication. The Supreme Leader invented Non-Violent Communication Therapy for those times when tying someone to a...

UC Berkeley Offers Assisted Suicide to Students Offended by Shapiro Talk

UC Berkeley Offers Assisted Suicide to Students Offended by Shapiro Talk

After learning that intensive counseling had failed to heal many of the deep emotional wounds caused by the event, the University of California at Berkeley is now offering assisted suicide to students threatened by conservative journalist Ben Shapiro’s scheduled talk. “No student should ever feel threatened, harassed, or the least bit uncomfortable by being exposed to controversial or offensive ideas,” the university wrote in a letter to students. “Since such offense may be unavoidable with a Zionist Nazi like Shapiro...

Trans Albino Half-Jewish, Half-Muslim Vegan Denied Campus ‘Safe Space’

Trans Albino Half-Jewish, Half-Muslim Vegan Denied Campus ‘Safe Space’

BERKELEY – A freshman is suing one of America’s most progressive colleges for discrimination after it rejected a request to fund his own ‘TAVJI safe space.’ According to 19-year-old Adam Hussein-Hershkowitz, “contrary to UC Berkeley’s radical leftist reputation, it’s actually a hotbed of virulent anti-TAVJI bigotry” – using an acronym he coined to describe his combined transgenderism, albinism and veganism, as well as his Jewish and Islamic identities (inherited from his mother and Iraqi-born father, respectively). Speaking to The Mideast...