US

San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’
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San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’

San Francisco will remove the name of Jesus Christ from all churches and public buildings after a renaming committee found that the Messiah “did now show sufficient commitment to raising the dead, healing the blind or cleansing lepers.” Jeremiah Jeffries, the chairman of the renaming committee, also criticized Christ for only allowing a handful of paralytics to walk, as well...

Kushner Kept on as Senior Advisor After Marrying Hunter Biden
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Kushner Kept on as Senior Advisor After Marrying Hunter Biden

In an unexpected move, President-elect Joe Biden announced he will keep Jared Kushner on as a senior adviser after Kushner married Biden’s son Hunter. Kushner, who was previously married to President Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka, revealed late Tuesday that he and Hunter had jetted off to a private island to tie the knot. “Listen, this Jared guy’s a dimwit and...

Trump Appeals Election Case to Sharia Court
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Trump Appeals Election Case to Sharia Court

With the Supreme Court unanimously rejecting his bid to overturn the election, President Donald Trump announced on Twitter that he will appeal the decision to the Sharia Court established during the Obama administration. “The Supreme Court is in on the voter fraud and wants to hand the presidency to sleepy Joe Biden!” Trump tweeted. “Thank God, or should I say...

Biden Launches OnlyFans Account to Pay Off National Debt
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Biden Launches OnlyFans Account to Pay Off National Debt

Looking for new sources of revenue to counteract trillions in Covid-related stimulus spending, President-elect Joe Biden has joined OnlyFans and plans to offer followers exclusive access to risqué content for $50 a month. Biden said he first learned about the site from former congressman Anthony Weiner, who reached out to Biden asking to borrow $120 to follow porn star Riley...

Giuliani Converts to Islam, Issues Fatwa Declaring Trump Still President
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Giuliani Converts to Islam, Issues Fatwa Declaring Trump Still President

In his latest attempt to save President Donald Trump’s re-election bid, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has officially converted to Islam, named himself a mufti, and issued a fatwa declaring Trump the winner of the November 3 presidential election. The move is the latest attempt to reverse the election results by Trump’s legal team, which has come up...

Gavin Newsom Orders Poor People Not to Celebrate Thanksgiving
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Gavin Newsom Orders Poor People Not to Celebrate Thanksgiving

Remarking that his favorite restaurants may be forced to close if the indigent continue to spread the coronavirus, California Governor Gavin Newsom has issued an order banning poor and middle-class Californians from gathering for Thanksgiving. Newsom said that the ban was necessary to prevent these citizens from passing the coronavirus to wealthy and politically connected government leaders and lobbyists. The...

Biden Vows to Continue Trump’s Fight Against Satanic Pedophile Ring
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Biden Vows to Continue Trump’s Fight Against Satanic Pedophile Ring

Promising that there would be no daylight between his administration and his predecessor’s on the issue, President-elect Joe Biden vowed that his top priority upon taking office will be breaking up the satanic pedophile ring of Democratic politicians, Hollywood actors, religious figures and government officials that has been secretly ruling the world. “We must waste no time in battling climate...

Dems Plan to Win Back Muslim Vote by Using Term ‘Muslimx’
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Dems Plan to Win Back Muslim Vote by Using Term ‘Muslimx’

With exit polls showing US President Donald Trump making gains among Muslim voters, Democratic leaders have announced plans to rename the religion ‘Islamx’ and its followers ‘Muslimx’ in an effort to be more inclusive. “It is clear that our messaging was not reaching Muslim communities as we expected, and we believe using colonialist heteronormative patriarchal terms like ‘Muslim’ and ‘Islam’...

Stacey Abrams Declares Herself President
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Stacey Abrams Declares Herself President

Calling it the honor of a lifetime, former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams is reportedly preparing to deliver her acceptance speech as the president-elect of the United States of America. “Being elected governor of Georgia was both an honor and a humbling experience, but it pales in comparison to becoming the president,” Abrams told The Mideast Beast. “The fact that...

Satire Writers Storm Pennsylvania Voting Center to Stop the Count
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Satire Writers Storm Pennsylvania Voting Center to Stop the Count

Panicked over the prospect of President Donald Trump’s exit from office, satirical writers have surrounded voting centers in the Philadelphia area to stop the counting of votes and prevent former Vice President Joe Biden from taking the lead in the crucial swing state. Chanting “Stop the count!” and “Four more years!” hundreds of writers from satirical publications across the political...

Progressives Kind of Disappointed they Don’t Get to Riot
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Progressives Kind of Disappointed they Don’t Get to Riot

Admitting that he was having some regrets about casting his vote for Joe Biden, Portland resident Adam Frederick lamented that the inconclusive election results upended his plans to spend the night looting and rioting. “Look, I guess I am glad fascism and white supremacy has not won and all, but I was really counting on getting some free stuff from...

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement
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Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast....

Trump Launches ‘Tremendouser Nobel Committee,’ Awards Self Peace Prize
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Trump Launches ‘Tremendouser Nobel Committee,’ Awards Self Peace Prize

After seeing his administration snubbed by the Norwegian Nobel Committee despite its role in facilitating peace deals between Israel and two Arab nations, US President Donald Trump has established the “USA More Tremendouser Nobel Committee” and awarded himself its inaugural peace prize. Trump, who had lobbied for the Nobel Committee’s honors before the World Food Program was ultimately awarded the...

UN to Send Peacekeepers to Next Presidential Debate
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UN to Send Peacekeepers to Next Presidential Debate

In an effort to prevent violence and maintain order, the United Nations announced that it will send 5,000 armed Peacekeepers to Miami for the October 15 presidential debate. Peacekeepers will join the candidates, President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, on stage to make sure bloodshed does not break out during the 90-minute debate. The soldiers have been...

Trump Nominates Coney Barrett to Supreme Court
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Trump Nominates Coney Barrett to Supreme Court

US President Donald Trump has nominated Amy Coney Barrett, a circuit judge for the Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals, to the Supreme Court of the United States. Trump announced the nomination Saturday evening at a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden. “She is a woman of unparalleled achievement, towering intellect, sterling credentials, and unyielding loyalty to the Constitution,” Trump...

AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel
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AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel

The Mideast Beast has learned that New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat after one of the representative’s Twitter followers pointed out that Arafat had visited and negotiated with Israel. Ocasio-Cortez was set to attend Jewish Voice for Peace’s Yom Kippur brunch, which will be held on Monday to...

Tlaib, Omar Can’t Believe They Have to Side with Boogaloo Boys
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Tlaib, Omar Can’t Believe They Have to Side with Boogaloo Boys

Democratic congresswomen Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib have begrudgingly come out in support of the far-right anti-government “Boogaloo Boys” movement after members of the group were arrested for providing material support for Hamas. Omar and Tlaib, sporting Hawaiian shirts and camouflage pants, announced their backing of the group in a press conference Tuesday. “We aren’t fans of their white supremacy...