US
Jane Goodall to Conduct Primate Grooming Research on Trump and Macron
Acclaimed primatologist Jane Goodall will be conducting research on the developing physical relationship between US President Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron as part of a case study on monkey grooming in the coming months. “The presidents’ relationship, in which one grooms the other, removes excess skin from his body, rubs the other’s muscles, and checks for bone spurs, strongly resembles that of the common macaque,” she commented in a recent press conference. In addition to primate grooming her...
US Changes Imperial System To Still Not The Metric System
In a surprising development, President Trump, with the full faith backing of the EPA and Betsy DeVos, has moved to officially obliterate the Imperial Measurement System, to unequivocally ‘Make America Great Again’. The new measurements, categorized by the President personally , range in acute specificity from a “Sad Little Marco” to “Yuuuuge”. DARPA is the first government agency to test out the new units of measurement. A representative informed The Mideast Beast that the most recent number of missiles fired...
Trump Asks Why Mueller Didn’t Close Investigation After Syria strike
A baffled President Donald Trump has been discussing with close aides how he doesn’t understand “why people are still insisting I’m BFFs with Putin even after I bombed his other BFF.” “I tried everything, but the Fake News Media won’t listen! The minute I said the words ‘Cold War’ everybody in the world, especially poop-faced Mueller, should have stopped doubting my behavior. I’m president, for Christ’s sake!” Confiding in White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Trump revealed that he’d...
Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’
Warning that their tolerance for the GOP president’s actions has its limits, House and Senate Republicans insisted that the assassination of special counsel Robert Mueller would be “a red line” for the president. “While I believe the investigation into Russian meddling in our election to be baseless, the president should let Mr. Mueller do his job without interference,” House Speaker Paul Ryan said in a statement. “His assassination would draw much concern from Democrats and Republicans alike.” South Carolina Senator...
Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect
The Drone Pilot Lobby has announced that it is initiating a $20 million-dollar lawsuit against the U.S. Department of Defense. The plaintiffs claim that the DoD “failed to adequately address pilots’ suffering arising from carpal tunnel syndrome and hostile environments.” One drone pilot explained, “We’re America’s front-line defense against militant groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS, and suspicious looking weddings. People make fun of us and say we’re not real pilots, but we really do suffer. Our chairs don’t come with cup holders,...
Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama
Lamenting that the former first dog did nothing as his owner escalated a campaign of drone strikes and targeted killings, leftist activist Noam Chomsky is calling for Bo Obama to be brought before The Hague for alleged war crimes. “While Barack Obama violated the Geneva Conventions, the 1907 Hague Restrictions and the customary laws of war with his killings of civilians in Pakistan, Yemen, and Somalia, we heard not so much as a bark from his best friend and accomplice,”...
Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling
North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and United States President Donald Trump are reportedly to begin Non-Violent Communication Therapy. Donald Trump has tweeted, “Nobody does non-violent communication better than me. We are going to break down the biggest walls!! #MAGA” A spokesperson for the North Korean regime corroborated the story, stating that “Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will engage imperialist leader ‘little-hands Trump’ with Non-Violent Communication. The Supreme Leader invented Non-Violent Communication Therapy for those times when tying someone to a...
UC Berkeley Offers Assisted Suicide to Students Offended by Shapiro Talk
After learning that intensive counseling had failed to heal many of the deep emotional wounds caused by the event, the University of California at Berkeley is now offering assisted suicide to students threatened by conservative journalist Ben Shapiro’s scheduled talk. “No student should ever feel threatened, harassed, or the least bit uncomfortable by being exposed to controversial or offensive ideas,” the university wrote in a letter to students. “Since such offense may be unavoidable with a Zionist Nazi like Shapiro...
Trans Albino Half-Jewish, Half-Muslim Vegan Denied Campus ‘Safe Space’
BERKELEY – A freshman is suing one of America’s most progressive colleges for discrimination after it rejected a request to fund his own ‘TAVJI safe space.’ According to 19-year-old Adam Hussein-Hershkowitz, “contrary to UC Berkeley’s radical leftist reputation, it’s actually a hotbed of virulent anti-TAVJI bigotry” – using an acronym he coined to describe his combined transgenderism, albinism and veganism, as well as his Jewish and Islamic identities (inherited from his mother and Iraqi-born father, respectively). Speaking to The Mideast...