US

Assad: I Invented Permanent Social Distancing
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Assad: I Invented Permanent Social Distancing

As Minneapolis and dozens of other US cities were burning during riots following the murder of George Floyd by a police officer, The Mideast Beast asked Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who is known as a seasoned expert on handling crowd control, what he thought about Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey’s handling of the situation. “Well, I am a gentle, polite man...

Syria Free After Sunni Rebels Burn Down AutoZone
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Syria Free After Sunni Rebels Burn Down AutoZone

The nearly decade-long civil war in Syria has finally ended, as Sunni rebels defeated the Assad regime by burning down a Damascus AutoZone. The destruction of the local automotive parts franchise was the final nail in the coffin for the regime, which quickly surrendered and agreed to help transition the country to democracy. “We were determined to restore our rights...

Trump Declares Tanning Salons Essential
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Trump Declares Tanning Salons Essential

At a news conference on Saturday President Donald Trump said he will do everything in his power to force governors to open tanning salons across the country. The announcement came a day after the president declared churches essential, and is the latest step in the president’s strategy of opening up businesses that his voter base frequents. “Governors need to do...

AG William Barr to Drop Charges Against Wuhan Bat
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AG William Barr to Drop Charges Against Wuhan Bat

On Tuesday, US Attorney General and loyal Trump affiliate, William Barr made the shocking announcement that he would not be seeking charges against the bat who allegedly spawned the virus that caused the COVID-19 pandemic. The bat, who did not respond for our request to be interviewed, has previously plead guilty to infecting multiple patients in Wuhan China, the event...

Saudi’s Crown Prince Urges for Subtlety in Trump Government Purges
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Saudi’s Crown Prince Urges for Subtlety in Trump Government Purges

After Trump fired his Inspector General, a Health Department whistleblower, and a personal aid this month, his good friend and far more successful sociopath, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammad bin Salman (MBS), called him up to push the use of some subtlety in his power grabs. According to sources close to Trump, MBS calls every night for a...

Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer
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Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer

In recent weeks President Donald Trump has seriously escalated his war on science, data, the medical field, and logic. The president refused to wear a face mask, suggested that humans should inject disinfectants to combat Covid-19, and self-prescribed a Malaria medication unproven to cure coronavirus symptoms while testing negative for the disease, and he drank fish tank cleaner. These actions...

Tucker Carlson: Wuhan Lab Bullied Me in High School
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Tucker Carlson: Wuhan Lab Bullied Me in High School

Fox commentator Tucker Carlson doubled down this week on his accusations of the Chinese government’s alleged role in releasing the coronavirus by accusing the Wuhan Institute of Virology, also known as ‘that Wuhan lab’, of bullying him in High School. According to the conservative political commentator, not only did scientists from Wuhan develop SARS-CoV-2, which causes the disease Covid-19, they...

Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032
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Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032

US Senator Bernie Sanders proposed a new plan to restart the US economy by September 2032. It is currently in the meltdown phase, suffering from a massive recession as a result of the COVID-19 lockdown. “Look, everyone needs a break,” shouted Sanders in a statement. “Give it 11 or 12 years. We’ll know that the pandemic is over, everyone will...

Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble”
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Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble”

As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic, the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping within their social “bubble.”  Experts say...

George W. Bush Reverses His Policy on “Liberation”
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George W. Bush Reverses His Policy on “Liberation”

In a rare return to the spotlight last weekend, mediocre Texan painter George W Bush urged for unity across political parties in order to effectively combat the coronavirus. This came as a shock to many Iraqi citizens who remember Bush for his previous passion for “liberation.” Despite Bush’s global legacy focusing largely on freeing people from their oppressors whether they...

Trump Plans to Reopen America on April 31st
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Trump Plans to Reopen America on April 31st

Following weeks of passionate self-sabotage by citizens across the United States, President Trump proudly announced last night that all business across the country will be free to open as of April 31st. “This is going to be really, really huge for all the people out there who were not smart enough to be born rich” said Trump. “Some so-called experts...

George Zimmerman Tasked with Enforcing Stay-at-Home Orders
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George Zimmerman Tasked with Enforcing Stay-at-Home Orders

Looking to crack down on citizens violating lockdown orders issued to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, several US states have hired community watch vigilante George Zimmerman to confront anyone seen in public for non-essential business. “To make sure people are following social distancing guidelines, we have asked Mr. Zimmerman to patrol our streets and to respectfully approach anyone...

Ultra-Orthodox Jews to Hold Massive Prayer Rallies to Stop Coronavirus
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Ultra-Orthodox Jews to Hold Massive Prayer Rallies to Stop Coronavirus

Criticizing their secular counterparts for doing too little to stop the spread of COVID-19, ultra-Orthodox Jews in the US and Israel announced a series of massive prayer rallies to combat the disease. “Just when we need prayer more than ever, many of our fellow Jews have decided that now is the time to stop going to synagogue,” one resident of...

To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning
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To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning

MANHATTAN — The Mideast Beast’s North American Desk was at the Javits Center in Manhattan on Tuesday covering the latest on the coronavirus. In an effort to stop its spread, New York’s Governor Andrew M. Cuomo called for the harshest measures yet to combat the infectious disease. Cuomo was adamant that the city’s residents must stay indoors, noting, “We need...

‘I Was Jumped by Coronavirus,’ Jussie Smollett Says
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‘I Was Jumped by Coronavirus,’ Jussie Smollett Says

Former ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett was attacked early Monday morning by a violent Coronavirus gang, the actor told Chicago police. Smollett was walking home from a nearby Subway restaurant when a group of Coronavirus germs approached him, according to his own account to police. Yelling, “This is Wuhan country!” the germs proceeded to cough in his face and wrap a...

Bloomberg: How Does One Billion Chinese Compare to Losing Billions of My Dollars?
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Bloomberg: How Does One Billion Chinese Compare to Losing Billions of My Dollars?

Michael Bloomberg did very poorly on Super Tuesday and the billionaire is now assessing whether to continue his campaign. There are speculations that Bloomberg’s alternative way of defining democracy might have had something to do with it. The Mideast Beast asked Bloomberg whether his recent refusal to call China’s Communist leader Xi Jinping a dictator might have backfired. “Well, I...

Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate
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Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate

In a move aimed at highlighting their party’s diversity, the Democratic Party announced that Palestinian-American rapper DJ Khaled will take the debate stage alongside the party’s six leading white candidates. The decision came amid concern among Democratic leaders that all candidates to qualify for the debate would be white following Senator Kamala Harris’s withdrawal from the race. “We are the...

Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor
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Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor

Acknowledging that his cabinet has lacked an element of righteous fury since John Bolton’s departure, US President Donald Trump has appointed 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg to serve as National Security Advisor. “I heard her give a speech at the UN, and God was she angry,” Trump explained as he announced the appointment. “I’m not sure what she was...