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ISIS to End Attacks on U.S., Saying, “With Their Gun Violence, They’ve Got It Covered”

With an average of nearly one mass shooting a day in the U.S. during 2015, the Islamic State terrorist group has announced that it will cease all further attacks against the superpower.

“It’s glorious – they are doing our job for us!” said ISIS spokesman Mahmud bin Ahmadi in a video posted online. “We were all set to boost recruitment of home-grown lone wolf martyrs in the U.S. – but it looks like we can just sit back and let them tear themselves apart – not to mention focus on more Paris-style attacks in Europe!” Indeed, in 2015 over 13,000 Americans died due to non-Islamist perpetrated gun violence, as opposed to 15 by ISIS-affiliated gunmen.

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However, despite ISIS’s jubilation at America’s self-inflicted carnage, Bin Ahmadi’s announcement has some Western-born ISIS recruits feeling resentful. “Sure, they’re doing such a great job of killing themselves that we hardly even chant ‘Death to America’ at our rallies these day,” said Pennsylvania-born Jamal al-Amriki. “But it sort of feels meaningless if we’re not the ones doing it, if you know what I mean?”

“Also, if I knew I could so easily slaughter American infidels, I would have stayed at home in Philadelphia,” complained al-Amriki. “I could have also avoided the whole pain-in-the-ass trip to Turkey and then on to Syria, where I nearly got killed by Assad’s army; or was it the Russians? Maybe the French? Iranians? So hard to know these days in Syria. Either way, it all seems so pointless now.”

In an effort to make himself feel more useful, Al-Amriki then mentioned a plan he had been discussing with a Canadian-born fellow jihadi to sneak back into America unarmed and buy some guns there, “seeing how easy it is.” However, their commander ruled against it, telling them, “I want you boys here, training for the next mega-attack in the EU. I like your spirit, but there’ll be another U.S. school shooting soon enough, and you’d better serve our jihadi cause by striking those gun-hating, pushover Europeans!”

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