US

Ocasio-Cortez Compares Basic Economics Textbook to Mein Kampf
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Ocasio-Cortez Compares Basic Economics Textbook to Mein Kampf

Freshman Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is once again under fire for minimizing the holocaust after she referred to the book “Basic Economics” as “pretty much the same thing as” Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler’s manifesto. Ocasio-Cortez has already faced criticism after comparing the use of tear gas to the Nazis’ use of cyanide gas and for likening migrant camps at the US-Mexico border...

ISIS to Teach Antifa Civil Governance
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ISIS to Teach Antifa Civil Governance

After drawing intense criticism for blocking traffic in Portland, Oregon and attacking an elderly man, the left-wing Antifa organization has agreed to attend training sessions on civil governance led by the Islamist militant group ISIS. “While mercilessly attacking your critics, inflicting random acts of violence and terrorizing innocent civilians is a great start, it is not a long-term strategy,” ISIS...

Sanders Announces ‘Operation Write a Bestseller’ Plan to End Global Poverty
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Sanders Announces ‘Operation Write a Bestseller’ Plan to End Global Poverty

Explaining that anyone who writes a bestselling book can be a millionaire, Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has announced a plan to end world poverty by ensuring all earth’s citizens have the chance to write a bestseller. “Frankly, capitalism has failed because the millionaires and billionaires won’t let everyone write a bestseller,” Sanders explained. “When I am president, we will...

ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels
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ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels

Following the ongoing crackdown in the United States on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their fighters and replacing...

SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
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SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The elite operators of SEAL Team Six have reportedly been deployed to the downtown Washington area in an attempt to track down an individual holed up in a confined space and raging against the injustices of the Western world. The special forces unit best known for bringing bin Laden to justice were apparently brought in as one of the final...

All Jewish Pensioners to be Armed
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All Jewish Pensioners to be Armed

In a further bid to control gun violence in America, all Jewish retirees are now to be armed and given full close quarter battle training by SWAT teams. An NRA spokesperson commented, “We fully support the President’s comments that things could have turned out differently if the worshippers had been packing heat. It’s clear that 97-year-old Rose Mallinger could have stood a...

Amid Kavanaugh Hearings, Trump Suggests Appointing Darth Vader
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Amid Kavanaugh Hearings, Trump Suggests Appointing Darth Vader

After more women have come forth with allegations of sexual assault and misconduct against Brett Kavanaugh, Trump has doubled down, defending him. On Wednesday, he issued this statement to a baffled room full of reporters. “Sure, maybe he did some bad stuff, in the past, you know? Democrats are ridiculous. I could nominate somebody like Anakin Skywalker and they still...

Trump Shows ‘America First’ Leadership at UN by Cutting Lunch Line
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Trump Shows ‘America First’ Leadership at UN by Cutting Lunch Line

In a remarkable display of diplomatic maneuvering, US President Donald Trump put his ‘America First’ agenda to the test by cutting to the front of the UN cafeteria line. Speaking to reporters afterwards he commented, “You know when I saw the lunch line, it was really long. I mean really long, believe me. Obama once stood here behind Angela Merkel,...

Putin Admits He Wrote NYT Op-Ed
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Putin Admits He Wrote NYT Op-Ed

Russian President Vladimir Putin has been revealed as the anonymous senior official who authored a controversial New York Times op-ed saying he is working to thwart parts of President Trump’s agenda. “I do not regret my decision to install Trump as a puppet leader and I appreciate many parts of his divisive agenda,” Putin told The Mideast Beast in revealing...

President Obama Voted Best Neocon President
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President Obama Voted Best Neocon President

Former U.S. President Obama has been bestowed the prestigious “Iron Fist of Unconditionally Delivered Freedom” award by Bill Kristol who tearfully acknowledged the President’s commitment to the neoconservative philosophy. Wiping tears from his eyes, Kristol explained, “Everybody knows I first opposed President Obama, but over time, I saw his dedication to the neoconservative philosophy. His push for global free-market trade was...

White House Flag Bearer Hospitalized with Severe Rope Burn
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White House Flag Bearer Hospitalized with Severe Rope Burn

The White House official tasked with raising and lowering the US flag following the death of US Senator John McCain has been sent to the hospital with severe rope burn. The flag bearer’s injury came after President Trump repeatedly wavered on whether the flag should remain lowered after McCain’s death, causing the unfortunate official to have to repeatedly go onto...

Trump Apologizes to Animals for Omarosa Comparison
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Trump Apologizes to Animals for Omarosa Comparison

Speaking to the press, President Donald Trump, who is not known for apologizing, apologized. “Last week I compared Omarosa to an animal. That was harsh, and I should not have done that.” “There are a great many animals to which I could’ve compared her to, like the chimpanzee, but that would have been very harsh. That would’ve been very unfair...

Omarosa Claims She Saw Trump Praying Five Times a Day, Taking Flight Lessons
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Omarosa Claims She Saw Trump Praying Five Times a Day, Taking Flight Lessons

In the latest bombshell from her recently published book, former White House aide and reality TV star Omarosa Manigault claims that she witnessed President Donald Trump praying towards Mecca five times a day and sneaking out of the White House to take flying lessons. Omarosa’s claim is her most startling to date, following allegations that the president used racial slurs and...

Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison
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Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison

Hell, Near Tampa Florida – From the fiery depths of the underworld, the worst person in history sits steaming in his less-than-kampfy chair. But Adolf isn’t boiling as a result of his eternal punishment; rather he’s furious at being compared with the mango-Mussolini, the Cheeto-in-Chief, the President of the United States of America. “NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! How dare they compare me...

Eric Trump Detained by ICE
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Eric Trump Detained by ICE

It has emerged that the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement has detained Eric Trump, alleged son of the President, at the US-Mexican border. Witnesses on the border recall seeing an ugly and ashamed collection of hair gel, which is believed to be Eric. “He wasn’t even trying to cross,” claimed and eyewitness. “He was just on the American side and...

ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement
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ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement

In the wake of pop star Justin Bieber’s engagement to model Hailey Baldwin, ISIS has issued a fatwa calling for the death of the latter on the grounds that she is seeking to “steal and pervert a national treasure of the Islamic State.” “We’re not only believers in our cause for Jihad, but are, above all, beliebers”, the heartbroken Islamic...