US

Omarosa Claims She Saw Trump Praying Five Times a Day, Taking Flight Lessons
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Omarosa Claims She Saw Trump Praying Five Times a Day, Taking Flight Lessons

In the latest bombshell from her recently published book, former White House aide and reality TV star Omarosa Manigault claims that she witnessed President Donald Trump praying towards Mecca five times a day and sneaking out of the White House to take flying lessons. Omarosa’s claim is her most startling to date, following allegations that the president used racial slurs and...

Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison
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Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison

Hell, Near Tampa Florida – From the fiery depths of the underworld, the worst person in history sits steaming in his less-than-kampfy chair. But Adolf isn’t boiling as a result of his eternal punishment; rather he’s furious at being compared with the mango-Mussolini, the Cheeto-in-Chief, the President of the United States of America. “NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! How dare they compare me...

Eric Trump Detained by ICE
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Eric Trump Detained by ICE

It has emerged that the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement has detained Eric Trump, alleged son of the President, at the US-Mexican border. Witnesses on the border recall seeing an ugly and ashamed collection of hair gel, which is believed to be Eric. “He wasn’t even trying to cross,” claimed and eyewitness. “He was just on the American side and...

Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’
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Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’

The Gaza-based Palestinian Islamist group Hamas chided The Onion yesterday for its anti-Israel obsession, urging the Wisconsin-based satirical publication to “focus more on the LOLs.” The group’s message comes more than two months after an outbreak of violence led to a series of Onion articles that, in the words of Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, “were the kind of anti-Israel rants...

ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement
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ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement

In the wake of pop star Justin Bieber’s engagement to model Hailey Baldwin, ISIS has issued a fatwa calling for the death of the latter on the grounds that she is seeking to “steal and pervert a national treasure of the Islamic State.” “We’re not only believers in our cause for Jihad, but are, above all, beliebers”, the heartbroken Islamic...

Trump Starves to Death After Restaurants Deny Him Service
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Trump Starves to Death After Restaurants Deny Him Service

Democrats retook control of all three branches of the US government over the weekend, as nearly all Republican leaders including President Trump were denied service at a number of local restaurants, and starved. The effort was spurred by the owner of a Virginia Red Hen restaurant, who turned away Trump’s press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Once enough progressive restaurant owners...

Southern Poverty Law Center Lists SPLC as ‘Anti-Muslim Hate Group’
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Southern Poverty Law Center Lists SPLC as ‘Anti-Muslim Hate Group’

Blasting the group as a “bunch of Islamophobic bigots,” the Southern Poverty Law Center has officially classified itself as an anti-Muslim extremist group. “The Southern Poverty Law Center targets Muslims like Maajid Nawaz – who are most certainly not anti-Muslim extremists– simply for their faith,” SPLC President Richard Cohen said in a recorded statement on Monday. “These folks are using their...

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign
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Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

The tragic high school shooting in Santa Fe, Texas has pushed the NRA to its emotional brink. The rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness apparently do not apply to the nearly 50 million students in American public schools, but the obscure and outdated second amendment right remains unscathed. “It’s time something is done. Our years of thoughts...

Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag
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Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag

In a negotiating blunder, US President Donald Trump has agreed to lift all economic sanctions on the North Korean regime and withdraw American troops from the peninsula in exchange for a lifetime supply of North Korean t-shirts, hats and paraphernalia. Reeling from sanctions and fearing a military strike, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un entered the meeting prepared to dismantle his...

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists
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DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

A recently resurfaced interview from 2015 with hip-hop mogul DJ Khaled has sent shockwaves through the feminist community, particularly with organizers of the Women’s March who are convinced that all Arab men honor and respect their wives. Khaled, still not entirely sure why reciprocity in a relationship means performing oral sex, stands by his statement that “there are different rules for...

US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot
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US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot

The American Left has lost its pre-eminent thinker, as The Atlantic national correspondent Ta-Nehisi Coates has been discovered to be a Russian bot programmed to write 10,000-word essays tying the day’s lead news item to slavery and segregation. “It was quite simple, really,” Alexei Sokolov, a 26-year-old programmer from Novosibirsk, told The Mideast Beast. “We just programmed 15,000 pages of...

The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War
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The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War

The American Left has admitted that it misses the days when it didn’t have to be mad about bombing foreign countries. Dick Meskil, a liberal from Berkeley, California, explained his frustration, “Remember when President Obama ordered a drone strike killing a  16-year-old American kid? Now if it had been Bush or Trump, I would have been really mad, but deep...

Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania
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Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania

Last week’s denuclearization talks between North and South Korea went astonishingly well – so well in fact, the duo is offering hand holding-lessons to the US President and First Lady.   “Donald cannot just grab her by the hand,” said Kim with Moon nodding in agreement. “Melania should not want to defect from the marriage. Trump needs to read the potentially...

Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys
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Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys

Following Kanye West’s most recent public psychotic break on Twitter, President Trump is invoking his authority as commander-in-chief to make a difference in urban America. In an unprecedented consensus across all branches, the US will effectively replace all military-issued footgear with Yeezys.  West, apparently under the influence of his ex-step-father-turned-ex-step-mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner, raged a hailstorm of tweets praising the President...

Kanye West: Jews “Chose” 2,000 Years of Anti-Semitism
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Kanye West: Jews “Chose” 2,000 Years of Anti-Semitism

Just a day after saying that African-Americans ‘chose’ to be enslaved for 400 years, controversial rapper Kanye West has implied that Jews were also willing participants in their own violent subjugation. “Them Jews… when you hear about all that anti-Semitism crap going on for 2,000 years – that also sounds to me like a choice,” he told TMZ in a follow-up interview....