US

George W. Bush Reverses His Policy on “Liberation”
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George W. Bush Reverses His Policy on “Liberation”

In a rare return to the spotlight last weekend, mediocre Texan painter George W Bush urged for unity across political parties in order to effectively combat the coronavirus. This came as a shock to many Iraqi citizens who remember Bush for his previous passion for “liberation.” Despite Bush’s global legacy focusing largely on freeing people from their oppressors whether they...

Trump Plans to Reopen America on April 31st
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Trump Plans to Reopen America on April 31st

Following weeks of passionate self-sabotage by citizens across the United States, President Trump proudly announced last night that all business across the country will be free to open as of April 31st. “This is going to be really, really huge for all the people out there who were not smart enough to be born rich” said Trump. “Some so-called experts...

George Zimmerman Tasked with Enforcing Stay-at-Home Orders
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George Zimmerman Tasked with Enforcing Stay-at-Home Orders

Looking to crack down on citizens violating lockdown orders issued to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, several US states have hired community watch vigilante George Zimmerman to confront anyone seen in public for non-essential business. “To make sure people are following social distancing guidelines, we have asked Mr. Zimmerman to patrol our streets and to respectfully approach anyone...

Ultra-Orthodox Jews to Hold Massive Prayer Rallies to Stop Coronavirus
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Ultra-Orthodox Jews to Hold Massive Prayer Rallies to Stop Coronavirus

Criticizing their secular counterparts for doing too little to stop the spread of COVID-19, ultra-Orthodox Jews in the US and Israel announced a series of massive prayer rallies to combat the disease. “Just when we need prayer more than ever, many of our fellow Jews have decided that now is the time to stop going to synagogue,” one resident of...

To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning
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To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning

MANHATTAN — The Mideast Beast’s North American Desk was at the Javits Center in Manhattan on Tuesday covering the latest on the coronavirus. In an effort to stop its spread, New York’s Governor Andrew M. Cuomo called for the harshest measures yet to combat the infectious disease. Cuomo was adamant that the city’s residents must stay indoors, noting, “We need...

‘I Was Jumped by Coronavirus,’ Jussie Smollett Says
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‘I Was Jumped by Coronavirus,’ Jussie Smollett Says

Former ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett was attacked early Monday morning by a violent Coronavirus gang, the actor told Chicago police. Smollett was walking home from a nearby Subway restaurant when a group of Coronavirus germs approached him, according to his own account to police. Yelling, “This is Wuhan country!” the germs proceeded to cough in his face and wrap a...

Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate
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Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate

In a move aimed at highlighting their party’s diversity, the Democratic Party announced that Palestinian-American rapper DJ Khaled will take the debate stage alongside the party’s six leading white candidates. The decision came amid concern among Democratic leaders that all candidates to qualify for the debate would be white following Senator Kamala Harris’s withdrawal from the race. “We are the...

Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor
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Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor

Acknowledging that his cabinet has lacked an element of righteous fury since John Bolton’s departure, US President Donald Trump has appointed 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg to serve as National Security Advisor. “I heard her give a speech at the UN, and God was she angry,” Trump explained as he announced the appointment. “I’m not sure what she was...

Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special
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Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special

Democrats and liberal activists across the US are renewing calls for the impeachment of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh following allegations that the judge was heard laughing at a recently released stand-up routine by comedian David Chappelle. The special, called “Sticks & Stones,” features controversial jokes about LGBTQ advocates, the #metoo movement, and Michael Jackson. Shortly after the accusation was...

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria
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Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our...

US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay
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US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay

Saying that the threat of additional terrorist attacks justified extraordinary measures, the US has begun holding suspected white supremacists on the island of Gringotanamo Bay off the coast of Cuba. American officials made the decision after a pair of shootings in Dayton, Ohio and El Paso, Texas – one of which was believed to be carried out by white supremacists...

Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country
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Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country

Confronted over her baffling explanation of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict on PBS’s “Firing Line,” Democratic House candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted that she had no idea that there’s a literal country called “Israel” or an aspiring nation called “Palestine.” Ocasio-Cortez acknowledged that her opposition to the “occupation” stemmed from her Socialist aversion to anything that sounded like it might have to do...

Ocasio-Cortez Compares Basic Economics Textbook to Mein Kampf
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Ocasio-Cortez Compares Basic Economics Textbook to Mein Kampf

Freshman Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is once again under fire for minimizing the holocaust after she referred to the book “Basic Economics” as “pretty much the same thing as” Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler’s manifesto. Ocasio-Cortez has already faced criticism after comparing the use of tear gas to the Nazis’ use of cyanide gas and for likening migrant camps at the US-Mexico border...

ISIS to Teach Antifa Civil Governance
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ISIS to Teach Antifa Civil Governance

After drawing intense criticism for blocking traffic in Portland, Oregon and attacking an elderly man, the left-wing Antifa organization has agreed to attend training sessions on civil governance led by the Islamist militant group ISIS. “While mercilessly attacking your critics, inflicting random acts of violence and terrorizing innocent civilians is a great start, it is not a long-term strategy,” ISIS...

Sanders Announces ‘Operation Write a Bestseller’ Plan to End Global Poverty
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Sanders Announces ‘Operation Write a Bestseller’ Plan to End Global Poverty

Explaining that anyone who writes a bestselling book can be a millionaire, Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has announced a plan to end world poverty by ensuring all earth’s citizens have the chance to write a bestseller. “Frankly, capitalism has failed because the millionaires and billionaires won’t let everyone write a bestseller,” Sanders explained. “When I am president, we will...

ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels
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ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels

Following the ongoing crackdown in the United States on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their fighters and replacing...

SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
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SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The elite operators of SEAL Team Six have reportedly been deployed to the downtown Washington area in an attempt to track down an individual holed up in a confined space and raging against the injustices of the Western world. The special forces unit best known for bringing bin Laden to justice were apparently brought in as one of the final...

Amid Kavanaugh Hearings, Trump Suggests Appointing Darth Vader
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Amid Kavanaugh Hearings, Trump Suggests Appointing Darth Vader

After more women have come forth with allegations of sexual assault and misconduct against Brett Kavanaugh, Trump has doubled down, defending him. On Wednesday, he issued this statement to a baffled room full of reporters. “Sure, maybe he did some bad stuff, in the past, you know? Democrats are ridiculous. I could nominate somebody like Anakin Skywalker and they still...

Trump Shows ‘America First’ Leadership at UN by Cutting Lunch Line
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Trump Shows ‘America First’ Leadership at UN by Cutting Lunch Line

In a remarkable display of diplomatic maneuvering, US President Donald Trump put his ‘America First’ agenda to the test by cutting to the front of the UN cafeteria line. Speaking to reporters afterwards he commented, “You know when I saw the lunch line, it was really long. I mean really long, believe me. Obama once stood here behind Angela Merkel,...